"Hem hem," Dolores cleared her throat and the entire staff-room fell into a silence.
There was Minerva, with her catty face, and her annoying pursed lips, hatred brewing within her very eyes. Dolores smiled, knowing it would raise her ire even more.
The old fool Dumbledore sat next to her, his glasses twinkling. Goodness, what sort of heinous Ministry-unregulated magic was that? Someday, she was going to bring him to court for it!
Flitwick stood with his disgustingly short stature by the roaring fireplace. She'd researched his genealogy of course, but everything seemed mysteriously…wizarding. Yet Dolores knew a half breed when she saw one. Like that oaf, Haggard or whatever the beast's name was. She'd have them sacked as soon as she was able. Though beheadings would be much more fitting, of course.
The rest of the room consisted of dumpy little Pomona, bossy Poppy Pomfrey and all the other mindless Dumbledore worshipers.
Then there was Severus.
Dolores's neck flared up with heat and she couldn't take her eyes off of his long raven locks. If someone had asked her who her perfect man would be, it would be him, Professor Severus Snape. The way his eyes glistened as he docked points from students and kept discipline, the way he sneered at the Gryffindors and outwitted the other teachers. Oh! That snark, that temper! She was positively drooling.
"Professor Umbridge, ma'am! What can we do for you?" Filch broke her trance, her fantasying of Severus and her and…and…ahem, and she must get back to the matter at hand.
Filch gazed at her with doleful eyes, his cheeks pink. Now that she thought about it, he'd been looking at her this way for a few months. Whatever was the matter with him?
"Well, I have a little something planned for today, for Valentine's Day, of course," Dolores said with her sweetest voice. Or does Severus prefer something more sultry?
"Oh really? I thought the students are not allowed to be in romantic relationships with each other," sneered Mcgonagall, raising her eyebrow and taking a sip of her tea. "Wouldn't be right to celebrate a holiday about romance then."
Hmph, that absolute hag. "Well, that's only for the students. It's not appropriate, for their age, of course, with their young impressionable minds. Who knows what…perversions they might develop otherwise." Like the kinds which produced some of the faculty here. "No, my dear, this is for us, the staff! We're going to go on blind dates today!"
McGonagall choked on her tea.
The old fool raised his hand. "If I may," he said, "is it not against Ministry regulations to partake in relationships within the faculty?"
Dolores produced a certificate she'd procured just yesterday night for this very moment and smiled cherubically. "That's all taken care of. An exception for today, to relax after the trying year we've had."
Waiting a few more months until the school year was up for Severus? Unthinkable!
She snatched a pink hat from her bag and placed it on the staff table. "Everyone's names are in here, you need only reach in and pick it up." Dolores looked around with expectant eyes at their shell-shocked faces. "Who wants to begin?"
Dumbledore stood up and put his hand in, pulling out a piece of paper. "Poppy Pomfrey," he read out loud, those blasted glasses twinkling again. "Would you care to accompany me to Madam Puddifoot's?"
"Or perhaps a trip to the hospital wing for yourself?" She smiled. What insolence towards her superior!
And the daft fool laughed.
And so the couples formed, Minerva and the giant, Pomona and the goblin. Then finally, it was Severus' turn.
"Go on," Dolores said, barely able to keep the excitement out of her voice.
He rolled those gorgeous eyes and snatched a paper out. "Dolores Umbridge," he drawled, his enunciation of her name sending a shudder through her spine.
"My my, what a surprise!" She'd enchanted the paper to fly out at Severus' touch, of course. "I suppose my office is to your liking?"
"Not at all."
Playing hard to get, are we?
"Perfect, we'll meet there at 4pm today. Filch, could you see to it that everyone gets a date? I've got to go set things up just right for the Professor's tastes," she said, heading out of the room before she hyperventilated in anticipation. Her plan actually worked! Oh my, would all her dreams with Severus come true?
"Yes— yes Ma'am," said Filch, looking at her with those doleful eyes again as she left.
The cats in her office purred as she set down the last tea cup. Just perfect! The door creaked open and Dolores straightened her back. Still my beating heart! Severus was here, gazing around the room with his adorably crooked nose scrunched up, his slender frame decked in handsome black robes. A scent of potions hung around him.
Mmm, she can smell that all day.
"Welcome Severus, I've prepared us some tea." She pointed at the gilded gold ceramic, steam raising from the already poured drinks.
With an exquisite sigh, he sat down, so close to her that she could even see the sweat rolling down his neck. Her fingers twitched. Control yourself, Dolores!
"Would you care for some cream or sugar?" She asked, fixating on his lips, his eyes, his nose, his everything. So close, so close…
"No," He said, taking his cup.
His curt ways only made him so much more mysterious.
"Well—well, drink up, then!" She lifted her cup and watched as he raised his, her heart beating with fury, with desperation, with passion. This will begin the first day of the rest of our lives!
He took a sniff. "Have you spiked this…" he took another sniff. "With…amortentia?"
Her heart broke.
"What—no!" She huffed, trampling down her disappointment. "How could you accuse me of such a crime? You know I would never!"
"Really?" He raised an eyebrow, shoving the teacup under her nose. "You don't smell anything…unusual?"
She took a deep breath. The musty smell of the dungeons, the pungent odour of a thousand potions mixed with a distinct hair oil that was just so… magnificently…Severus. She could feel herself burning up, her cheeks glowing red. Did he smell her baby powder perfume? Her freshly laundered coat with a strawberry scent? Did he think of her when he sniffed this tea too?
"Well?" He shook the cup.
"You—you're right!" She cleared her throat, lowering her voice to a sultry tone. "Someone must've tampered with it. Maybe a student got into the kitchens?"
"Do you have a cold?" He asked, placing the cup back onto its dish.
"Hem, no, thank you." Clearly, he preferred her younger sounding voice. "Let me get you a new cup of tea instead. Tatsy!"
An elf popped into view "What would Ma'am Bridgy need of Tatsy?" Its hideous body sported a tea towel with the Hogwart's crest. Such creatures didn't deserve the fancy uniforms Dumbledore had assigned to them. Unnecessary expenses, they were!
"Take this tea back and bring me a new one!" She curled her lips in distaste as the beast took the cup and popped away. "Well, Severus, while we wait, why don't you tell me about yourself?"
"I like potions. I live with dimwits in Hogwarts for most of the year. I dislike dimwits."
"Oh, but you must have a life outside Hogwarts!" She leaned forward. "Where do you live when the school isn't in session?"
He slouched back with another beautiful sigh. "Somewhere in Britain."
"Specifically?" If only she could send him some flowers and letters. Did he like roses? Or lilies perhaps.
"Is this a date or an interrogation?"
"Oh, I'm just teasing, Severus!" She waved her hands, trying to laugh it off. But his expression remained as impassive as ever. Was she blowing it, or was this his way of flirting? "Any…special lady in your life?"
He glared at her. "No."
Good, she'd been planning another very accidental dementor attack.
Just then, Tatsy popped in and placed a cup of steaming tea before disappearing again. This one didn't waft with Severus' intoxicating odour. Dolores sighed with disappointment.
"I do admire how you discipline your students." She took a sip of her tea as Severus drank his. "Quite a rowdy bunch, especially those Gryffindors! But your Slytherins are a prize, so polite and with good manners. Minerva could learn a thing or two from you."
Severus smirked and Dolores's heart soared. Perhaps she wouldn't need the amortentia after all. She could already see their little black-haired pink-clothed babies running around. "Why, thank you. I prefer letting my students know when I'm displeased with them and assigning punishment when deserved." He placed his tea cup back down on its dish with a clink. To her dismay, it was already empty. "Well, this had been a…pleasure. But I have essays to correct and must get back to work."
Dolores stood up with him, eager for a goodbye kiss, a hug, anything. She moved closer, puckering her lips seductively. "And it has been a pleasure having you—"
He strode out of the office and shut the door.
"—Here with me," she sighed, forlorn.