Unusual start

In the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario and Peach played a game of tennis. From the sidelines watched two figures. Well, only one watched, the other was playing a game on his phone. Luigi watched the game eagerly and turned to the skeleton known only as Bonesy, asking, "Why-a aren't ya watching Bonesy?" Bonesy turned to the green clad plumber, showing his discworld t-shirt that said, "Don't fear the reaper, fear the auditor's." The skeletal mage gave the Italian a disbelieving look and said, "I hate sports. The only reason I ever go to sporting events is for the concessions." He then took a bite of his popcorn then drank his soda. No one really questioned how a guy without organs and flesh could eat, digest, or taste. The fact that he did was enough for them.

Indeed, his friendship with the Mario brothers and Princess Peach (and the fact that he got concessions for free) was the only reason he willingly watched a sporting event. Soon the game was interrupted by a toad, and Bonesy groaned. If you had met one toad, you had met them all, and they all had voices like nails on a chalkboard. He did not hate the toads; he just hated their voices.

The Toad spoke to Princess Peach, "My princess, a visitor has come. They want to speak with you in private." Peach nodded and used a charm to transform instantly from her sportswear to her usual princess dress. As the Toad and Peach left Mario felt the twinge in his mustache that usually preceded something bad happening. It was intuition, Peach might have been kidnapped countless times, but she retained a certain naivety about the world. He turned to his brother and the skeletal mage and said, "Hey, guys..."

Bonesy had teleported to the other side of the tennis court was already following Peach, interrupting Mario's sentence, "Way ahead of ya Mario. My Spidey senses tell me this has something to do with Bowser or some other lowlife villain." Mario quirked an eyebrow and said, "But, you don't-a have Spidey senses." The skeleton let out a "hmm" and then said, "Well that complicates things."

Peach met the strange figure in the study. It was a tall being wearing a cloak that reminded the princess of the one Bonesy used to wear around the Toads, absolutely nothing of the being underneath. She assumed whoever this had an unusual appearance and did not want to cause a panic.

The figure, in an obviously female voice, said, "What if I told you I was Bowser?"

Peach just quirked her eyebrow at this. This person had to be pulling her leg, not only do they not sound anything like the Koopa king, but she had asked Bonesy about the cloak enchantment. While any "two-bit hedge mage" could cast the spell, not one being of the Koopa kingdom was sufficiently humanoid for it to work. Peach was about to ask why this woman was insulting her intelligence using such a bald-faced lie when the door burst open.

In came the Mario brothers and the skeletal mage, Mario yelling, "You won't take Peach Koopa!" Luigi then yelled, "Now Bonesy!" The mages eye glowed and he flung the cloaked figure across the room. This caused everyone to pause, Bonesy had noted that Bowser was at the upper weight limit for his gravity manipulation. Bonesy summed it up well with his comment, "Huh, either I got a lot stronger, or Bowser got a lot lighter."

Across the room the woman groaned, revealing herself to be a near identical lookalike of peach. Yet the qualities of Bowser were undeniable, a Koopa shell on her back, a Koopa tail, pointed ears, red hair and two horns, between which a crown rested.

All were stunned at the reveal of Bowsers new form (for it was no question that it was Bowser). But then Bonesy broke the silence by laughing. He laughed for a good 30 seconds and said, "Oh this is too good. Bowser trapped in the body of a woman. Not just that, but the woman he loves." He let out another mad cackle and said, "Alright guys, I can handle her."

Bowser growled, "I'll cremate your face skeleton!" Bonesy let out another joker like laugh, and a strange reverb could be heard, "How can you Bowsette? I'm a natural born skeleton, it would require the utter vaporization of my entire atomic structure to kill me! And since you don't happen to have a nuke or black hole handy, you can't kill me."

Then he noted, "Can you even breathe fire in this form?" Bowsette snarled and flames licked from her mouth, "Does that answer the question?"

Bonesy then asked, "Are you immune to lava in this form?" Bowsette glared and said, "Well excuse me if I didn't try to test my invulnerability in this new form!" The skeleton smirked and pulled out a glyph, "Well, if I throw down this glyph and yell the word" He shouted at the top of his (nonexistent) lungs, "Krakatoa!" He went back to his normal volume, "a volcano will be summoned, either killing you are just really badly hurting you."

Luigi suddenly noticed something, pointing towards Bowsette he said, "That's the super crown. But how did you-a get it to work, I know for a fact it only works on Toadette." Everyone turned to the green clad plumber (Bonesy turned his head 180 degrees) and gave him an odd look. Bonesy merely asked, "Do we even wanna know how you know that?" Luigi shrugged and said, "Not-a likely." Bonesy turned his head back to face Bowsette and Mario mentally reminded himself to schedule a therapy appointment for his brother.

Bonesy noted, "Despite the slightly worrying implications of why Luigi knows this, he raises a good question. How did you acquire a power up that is the exclusive property of the mushroom kingdom, what did you do to it to make it work on you, and why did you use it on yourself?" His face turned harsh, "And if you say something along the line of a R rated fantasy, I won't hesitate to unleash fiery magma from the earth's core."

Bowsette rolled her eyes and said, "I had Kamek modify the crown, which I found after one of our battles." She paused and said, "As for why, well, promise not to laugh." Peach, Mario, and Luigi all gave affirmative whole Bonesy just said, "I promise nothing." Bowsette glared at him but continued, "I wanted to give Bowser Jr a mother."

Everyone, even Peach, was surprised by this Bonesy said, "Wow, that is surprisingly sweet." He turned to the Mario brothers and said, "So, how do you wanna do this? Do you kick her out or do I volcano her face?" Mario looked horrified and slapped the glyph out of the skeletons hands saying, "we're not-a using the volcano spell!"

Peach was happy, she wanted to help Bowsette, after all the Super Crown was the creation of the mushroom kingdom, so it was technically her fault that Bowsette was in this body. What Mario said next put a frown on her face, "we'd-a get caught in the blast!" Bonesy put a hand to his face and muttered, "Oh, didn't think of that."

Peach just said, "No, we are gonna help Bowsette!" Everyone was surprised, especially Bowsette, and Luigi said, "Is the princess experiencing Stockholm syndrome?" Bonesy muttered, "I was just about to ask that." Peach was offended, "I am of sound mind and body! Now Bonesy, as my court mage, I order you to get the crown off Bowsette's head!"

With Peach's command Bonesy stood ramrod straight and started to pull on the crown, his eyes flashing blue and orange as he pulled. He continued for 30 seconds then seemed to realize something and he asked Peach, "You do want Bowser to be alive when the crown comes off right?" Peach was stunned and hesitantly said, "Yes." But the hesitance came from her wondering why him not being alive was even an option.

Bonesy said, "Oh, then I had better stop doing this." He immediately stopped pulling on the crown, and Bowsette complained, "Hey, why'd you stop? I could feel the crown coming off!" Bonesy said, "Yeah and your head would have come off with it."

The skeleton started to rummage around in a bag he had produced from his own hammerspace, which itself was a bag of holding, "The super crown has existed as long as the Toadstool family has ruled the mushroom kingdom. If you believe certain tales, the crown predates the mushroom kingdom entirely. It's power is to allow a toad to become a copy of the current ruler, not exactly mind you. But it ensures the line continues should the king or queen die without an heir."

Peach looked a bit worried at that implication, "So, I might be a Toad and not know it?" Bonesy shook his head, "Naw, you're human. The crown works differently when a ruler is still in power. That's the reason the crown turns Toadette into Peachette." He turned to the Koopa, "But it only works on toads. When Kamek modified the crown to work on you, he accidentally caused it to initiate the line continuation protocol." Bowsette knew the basics of magic, but like the rest of the room was confused by the skeleton's declaration. Mario said, "For those of-a us that don't-a have a PHD in advanced magics Bonesy."

Bonesy nodded and said, "Basically it thinks that Bowsette here is the first of the next line of the Toadstool royal family, and as such the effect is permanent." Bowsette's eyes went wide, "So I'm stuck like this?" Bonesy shook his head, "For whatever reason Peach wants you back to normal, so I will do everything in my power to get you back to your former self." He produced what looked like a welding torch and turned it on, "Now let's get to it."

The next several hours were consumed with pain, failure, and references; all coming from and inflicted upon Bonesy. The skeleton was battered and bruised (how he bruised without skin not even he knew) but he had exhausted his literal bag of tricks. He spoke, "I have one thing left to try. The fineness." All four were confused by the mage's wording (an example of thieve slang) and said, "The wa?" They were interrupted by Bonesy pulling out a crowbar and charged, prying at the power-up while screaming like a psycho. Predictably, the crowbar broke and sent Bonesy's head flying.

Luigi rushed over to Bonesy's head, embedded in the wall, and asked, "Are-a you ok Bonesy?" Bonesy's eyes circled and in a dazed voice he said, "A baby bunny can produce a sound identical to the war cry of a Norwegian lemming." Luigi called to the others, "He's-a fine."

Luigi then decided to throw his friends head for the body to catch. Predictably the body failed to catch the head, which flew out the window. The body did a great job of glaring despite not having eyes. The body pulled out his phone and started texting, and Luigi received a text which he read aloud, "Why did U do that?! U know I can't catch for" Luigi stopped, and the others looked at the text in shock.

Mario was the first to respond, "I-a thought you had a swear filter on your texts?" The body texted again, and Mario read, "I turned it off." Peach then snappily asked the body, "You are uncomfortable with swearing, why are you using profanity?" The body texted again, and peach read, "My head just went about 55 mph into the moat and a crab of some sort is trying to decorate its lair with my cranium. Excuse me if I'm not being polite!"

Bowsette murmured, "Does this happen often?" The body texted again, "Thank the lord no." Then Bowsette realized something and angrily asked, "How did you get my number?!" The body once more texted, "When U R drunk you have trouble distinguishing numbers. U mix up 5 and 7, or 6 and 9." Bowsette blushed as she realized the implications of that.

Peach also realized what her friend was leaving unsaid, "Have you been calling me when drunk and accidentally calling Bonesy?" Bowsette was even more embarrassed, and the sound of phone button being pressed and a new message, "You would not believe the kinky stuff this Koopa is into." It didn't seem possible, but Bowsette blushed harder.

Everyone started to argue at this, mostly Mario, but then Bonesy's body started to lose patience. He pulled up a clip the mage had prepared for just such an occasion. An eldritch voice of the legion echoed out a single request, "BRING ME MY HEAD!" All were startled, and Mario looked sheepishly at the skeleton and said, "Oh, that's-a right."

Mario presented the skull of Bonesy to the body, after a rather hard fight with a crab creature the size of a minivan. The creature was without a doubt some form of defense a villain installed when they had taken over Peach's castle yet had not been encountered. All who saw the beast would come to this conclusion because it had the overall appearance of a pirate. It had two peg legs, one of its claws was a hook, it wore an eyepatch and atop its head was a pirate hat.

Once Mario gave the skeleton his head, Bonesy put it upon the top of his spine and spun it around before stopping it as he deemed it screwed on tightly enough. He spoke, "Ok, I can't get the crown off." Bowsette was downcast, "So am I stuck like this?"

Bonesy noted, "I never said that. I am gonna send out messages to those in the wizarding world who I trust, and one of them should be able to get it off. Or at least give us a lead on how to get it off." He then pointed at Peach and said, "You should probably have a room made up for the Koopa Queen if you want her to stay here."

Bowsette was conflicted, she always wanted to live with Peach. But not like this. Mario muttered in Italian, and Bonesy gasped before asking, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Mario merely stated, "Me and-a Luigi are-a gonna stay at the castle to keep an eye on-a Bowsette." Luigi asked Bonesy, "Aren't-a you gonna compared this to a sitcom?" Bonesy just looked to the skies and said, "We live in interesting times. In the ancient curse word sense of the term."

Author notes

Time for my rambling observations

First, I looked up the average speed of a baseball throw, which if 50-60 mph, and did the midway point for how hard Luigi threw Bonesys head.

The whole non sequitur thing is gonna be a running gag, cause Bonesy tends to fall apart. The joke is that Bonesy's head gets hit very hard and a character rushes over and asks if Bonesy is ok, and he spouts a non sequitur, and the character says he's ok. He is, but he wouldn't be if they obeyed the laws of reality.

The baby bunny thing is true, from a YouTube video.