Ch 15 – Limbo (1)
"I'm going to miss you," Angela said, absentmindedly stroking Tony's forearm.
"Me, or breakfast in bed?"
For that, she had to punish him with a light pinch. "Both." Then she took another sip of her coffee.
"Yeah, me too," he admitted.
Through the thin fabric of her lace teddy, she felt one of his fingers trace a tingly line down her spine, and a pleasant shudder ran through her. She replaced her mug on the tray that stood at the foot of the bed and, careful not to upset the somewhat precarious construction, snuggled back under the covers and into his embrace.
Running one of her feet along his shin, she let out a sigh. "I look forward to the kids coming back. But this has been so wonderful, and I'm sad to let it go."
"It's been the best," Tony said and turned more fully onto his side so he could kiss her forehead.
Angela felt a familiar warmth begin to pool in her belly and took a deep breath. She brought a hand to Tony's chest and rubbed her thumb over one of his nipples. He was wearing a white undershirt, the kind that drove her crazy. His shirts had done that to her from day one, and now she could finally express it. They showed off his strong arms and shoulders and hinted at the taut muscles of his chest and stomach. She was never sure whether she wanted to keep looking at Tony wearing them, or whether she wanted him to take them off so she could touch the warm skin and soft hair underneath.
After spending the long weekend with Tony, Angela felt as relaxed and well-loved as never before in her life. They filled their days with walks on windswept, deserted Fairfield Beach; cozied up in front of the fireplace one night and an old movie the next; ate leftovers for every meal except breakfast; danced some more; and they decimated the contents of the fresh box of condoms that Tony had bought for them first thing on Friday morning.
Sleeping with him was everything she had ever dreamed it would be, and more. He was an attentive and generous lover, but he also knew how to receive – and enjoy – what she yearned to give. By the time the sun rose on Sunday, they had done their utmost to discover each other fully, and to commit every square inch of skin, every taste, every sound to memory.
Neither of them said it out loud, but they were already preparing for the leaner times they both knew were ahead: late-night study sessions and finals for Tony, year-end reviews at the Agency and an endless parade of Christmas parties and other social engagements for Angela. Mona and the kids underfoot again. Not to mention the waiting game.
Who knew how much time for closeness, for tender gestures they would be able to carve out. Who knew how soon things might change yet again.
Angela was about to slide her hand around to the back of Tony's neck and move in for a kiss when something caught in her peripheral vision. A facial expression that she had seen on him a couple of times over the course of the weekend, but only when he thought that she wouldn't notice. Gentle, worried, vulnerable.
She'd had moments like that herself. When the memory of their little accident and the uncertainty about its consequences resurfaced. But she was always quick to dismiss the possibility. The odds were so slim. Maybe she also pushed the thought away because she didn't want to be disappointed: if it turned out there was no pregnancy; if it turned out there was one, and it proved to be too much, too soon.
Better to not think about it at all.
"Angela?"
"Mhm?"
"You were far away there for a minute."
She shook her head and focused her attention on Tony again. "I just remembered something. But it wasn't important. I'll tell you another time. We were talking about the kids."
"Yeah," he said and shifted a little so he could look her in the eyes without having to crane his neck.
"I've been thinking. Since we aren't friends anymore," (this had turned into a bit of a running gag between them), "maybe we should tell them. About us. Some of it at least. Take the pressure off."
Angela's heart stumbled. Now this was a surprise. "But I thought-"
"I know, I know, I'm the one who wanted to keep it quiet. But I kinda think we can't win here. Uh, what I mean is, yeah – it's gonna be at thing for a while when they find out. They'll probably have questions, and we'll all have to adjust. But it would be just as hard to continue hiding, don't you think? Honestly, I'm not a good enough actor." He gesticulated with one hand, indicating their bodies under the covers.
She nodded, sensing that he wasn't done yet.
"And who are we kidding, anyway. Mona knows. You can't tell me your mother didn't extend that mystery dinner party thing of hers by a night or two so we could be alone. She's probably shacked up in a hotel somewhere, charging room service to one of your credit cards."
Angela blinked. It hadn't occurred to her that she might be financing her mother's Thanksgiving weekend escapades, but it certainly seemed plausible.
Still under the impression of her conversation with Samantha at the airport, Angela felt reasonably confident about letting the family in on some of what was going on between them.
"I think you're right. But Tony, are you sure? What happened to January? Having a plan first?"
"We should probably start working on that," he said in a low voice and reached out to brush a strand of hair behind her ear. "I know you said you didn't want to play 'What if?'. But I just can't help but think about it."
Angela swallowed. "Tony, please-"
"Not a lot!" he was quick to add. "Just … sometimes. And what I keep coming back to is this: Even if you're not- if we find out in two weeks that nothing happened, fact is, we want a kid. And if we don't want to wait three more years to start trying, I'm gonna be in school when it happens. Seems like I better get used to the idea."
Angela could tell that this wasn't easy for Tony, that he was still fighting some sort of internal battle. A battle that she couldn't truly relate to, but that she was doing her best to understand.
It filled her with immeasurable gratitude that he was willing to work through whatever insecurities and doubts he had – for them, for their family. Unexpected tears of relief were starting to burn behind her eyes, and she couldn't contain a small sob.
"Okay."
"Hey, hey, don't cry," Tony said and caressed her cheek.
Angela reached for his wrist and held it there for a moment. "I'm not crying. I'm just so happy. And I love you." She tried hard not to dissolve into a puddle of tears in what was essentially a happy moment.
"Me too," he said earnestly. "So let's tell the family that we're taking a closer look at that." She felt his hand moving on from her cheek, down over her neck, until the tips of his fingers were grazing her collarbone.
"Maybe we could say that we made up? I mean, they don't need to know everything right away." He started to finger the strap of her teddy, eventually moving it off her shoulder. "But how about: You forgave me for taking you to that comedy club, and we're trying again. If we tell them we're dating, they won't be surprised to see us get closer. And we can ease them into it as time goes on."
Angela still had no words. She just nodded. Her heart was soaring, and she was half surprised that she wasn't floating five feet above the bed by now. Then Tony's hand slipped inside the teddy, and as the breakfast tray finally tipped over onto the bed, her last coherent thought was that she was glad to have emptied her coffee mug.
ooooooooo
Jonathan was among the first people off the plane, and as soon as Angela saw him coming towards her, she knew that something was wrong.
The flight attendant looked at her driver's license and the paperwork that proved that Angela was indeed Jonathan's mother. Then she said goodbye to Jonathan, who gave her a sullen nod, and shot Angela a friendly, professional smile before walking back down the hallway that led from the gate to the plane.
Angela and Jonathan hugged, and when she leaned back to take a good look at him, she was still none the wiser.
"Darling, is everything alright? Are you airsick?"
"No," Jonathan said, "I'm fine." But it was clear that he wasn't.
"Are you sure?"
"Can we just go?" Jonathan asked, already starting in the direction of the baggage claim area.
"Of course," Angela said to no one and hurried after her son.
It took her until they were already half of the way home to get something out of Jonathan, who answered most of her questions only with 'yes' or 'no' and stared out the window silently when Angela didn't make an effort to sustain a conversation between them.
"Darling, I'm starting to get worried. Did something happen? Did you and your dad have a fight? Or did Heather say something?"
Out of the corner of her eye, Angela saw Jonathan fidget in his seat. "No."
"Then what is it? You were so happy to fly out there to see them. And now you seem … Well, I can tell something is bothering you, Jonathan. Of course you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But sometimes it helps to talk about things."
After a moment, Jonathan heaved a big sigh. "Dad and Heather are having a baby, Mom."
By the time Angela realized that the driver that used to be next to them was squeezing into their lane, it was almost too late. She had to hit the brakes hard to prevent them from rear-ending the other car.
"What an idiot," Jonathan commented.
"A baby?" Angela asked, hoping her voice wouldn't betray her shocked surprise.
"In May," Jonathan said darkly.
Angela tightened her grip on the steering wheel. She was glad that it was dark, otherwise Jonathan would have been able to see how affected she was by this news, and even more so by how badly he seemed to take it.
"Oh, now that is a surprise," she said, trying to sound happy.
"Yeah. It's great. And it's the only thing they can talk about. 'The baby' this, and 'the baby' that."
Angela's stomach began to churn. Finally, Michael's fantasies of raising a child in a tent or in a camper van somewhere out in the boondocks would come true. As 'Assistant to Michael Bower', Heather's career was Michael's career, too. Neither of them would have to give up anything for family life.
"Darling, I'm sure they're excited and that's why they talked about it a lot."
Jonathan huffed. "We didn't do anything fun all weekend. Heather wasn't feeling well."
"That can happen when a woman is pregnant."
"But she wasn't that sick," Jonathan whined. "Dad and I could have done stuff. He didn't have to stay home and take care of her. She was walking around and everything."
Angela remembered Michael's caring side. During her pregnancy with Jonathan, he had been so good to her, running to the store late at night to buy her ice cream or cheese when she craved it, massaging her back and her feet when they hurt. She didn't struggle with morning sickness a whole lot, but she was sure that Michael would have tried to help with that, too.
The only difficult topic had been her workload. But as long as they steered clear of talking about it, they were fine. Looking back, Angela understood that Michael had never expected her to seriously pursue her career after the birth. Taking care of her during pregnancy was his way of showing her that she could rely on him – for this, and for everything else.
But when she went back to work soon after Jonathan was born, and when she told Michael that she wanted to put off trying for a second child so she could climb one or two more rungs on the ladder first, things started to fall apart, and fast. She had hurt his pride, and they never recovered.
"I'm sorry you didn't have a good time, Jonathan." Angela reached for him in the passenger seat and rubbed his shoulder, but Jonathan shrugged off her hand.
"They want me to come back in the summer. When the baby is here. Probably so I can help them change dirty diapers."
"We don't have to decide that now."
"California isn't all it's cracked up to be," Jonathan said. "I'm glad I'm back home."
Then he switched on the radio, and Angela got the message. He was done talking about this for now.
ooooooooo
"Look who's back from California!" Tony shouted excitedly when Jonathan and Angela came in through the kitchen door. He was unloading the dishwasher but stepped away from this task to focus on Jonathan. "It's good to have you home, buddy. How was it? Did you have a good time?"
From behind Jonathan and above his head, Angela made a hand gesture at Tony. 'Tone it down.' He raised his eyebrows at her.
"It sucked," Jonathan announced and marched straight through the kitchen and on into the living room. Then they heard him stomping up the stairs and finally, the door to his room slammed shut.
Angela set down Jonathan's suitcase and poured herself into a chair at the kitchen table.
"What happened?" Tony asked, quickly getting his own chair and turning it around so he could sit facing Angela with his forearms on the backrest.
"Heather is pregnant," Angela said and watched the color drain from Tony's face.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"And Michael didn't tell you before you sent Jonathan out there?"
"What do you expect? This is Michael Bower we're talking about."
Angela wished that he had bothered to let her know beforehand. They could have prepared Jonathan together. Now – as usual – she was left to pick up the pieces after Hurricane Michael had blown through their lives.
Tony nodded. "So this wasn't a happy surprise for Jonathan, huh?"
"Apparently, Heather wasn't feeling well, and Michael and Jonathan stayed home all weekend so Michael could take care of her. At least that's what Jonathan says."
Tony pursed his lips and looked at Angela from under furrowed brows. "Is he upset because he and Michael didn't go looking for creepy crawlers together?"
"That. And I think he's jealous," Angela said quietly. "He said they didn't talk about anything but the baby the whole time."
Tony exhaled loudly, and Angela recognized this as the sound of the weight of the world on his shoulders. "And when is the big day?"
"In May."
"May," he repeated, and she could see the wheels turning. Angela had already done the math for herself while they were still on the interstate.
"It would be August," she said softly.