A/N: Please enjoy this interesting blend of humor and hurt/comfort :) I wanted to work on something a little more silly and lighthearted that hopefully will bring a few smiles. This is my second work-in-progress, and I'm very excited to share!
Detective Rollins pounded the pavement, a cup of coffee clutched in one hand, the cardboard handle of a to-go box of bagels in the other. She had sprinting in dress boots down to an art form (when running late was a thing, you quickly learned that racing on foot was preferable to sitting in NYC rush-hour traffic that moved about an inch every 5 minutes). The clacking and clunking of her heels against the sidewalk had a few heads turning, even in the midst of the usual Manhattan racket—horns honking; people chattering into smartphones or Bluetooth headsets; the far-off wailing of a siren (possibly another brother- or sister-in-blue, who had seen fit to leave the house with enough time to grab breakfast and catch a perp or two).
I've got this, Amanda reasoned, weaving and dodging people with expert finesse. Not only would she get to the squad room on time this morning-as long as she ran her ass off, she was going to be 5 minutes early. It was just as well. That therapist of hers was constantly preaching about a healthy lifestyle (diet, sleep, regular physical activity, time for hobbies, etc.), but with two daughters under age 5, there really wasn't spare time for jogging or yoga, let alone walking Frannie, feeding herself, or remembering to buy toilet paper. A mad dash to work checked the exercise box, at least.
Ignoring a few exclamations from pedestrians and grumpy New Yorkers who didn't appreciate the hustle (Jesus, lady! In a hurry much? Freakin' blonde tornado…), Amanda raced and maneuvered until she was tearing through the doors of the squad room. She made a beeline for her desk without stopping, Fin and Kat milling in the center of the room sipping from mugs, other officers moving about, shuffling papers and speaking into corded office phones. Unfortunately, Kat had plopped her oversized gym bag down on the floor, and it was just not on Amanda's radar. She tripped spectacularly, lurching forward at the same time that Captain Olivia Benson emerged from her office.
The cup of coffee went airborne, hit the ground, and projectile-splattered across the tiles. Amanda stumbled for several feet, body still in momentum. She doubled over to hold tight to the box of bagels, which she thankfully managed to save. After careening into the side of her desk with a resounding clang, she straightened up slowly with a groan to survey the damage.
As expected, quite a few colleagues were staring. Kat gasped, covering her mouth, and Olivia also had a hand raised to her chin. Their commanding officer opened her mouth, then closed it again as Amanda's dark roast steadily trickled across the floor, approaching the Captain's shoes. "Morning, Rollins," Olivia eventually settled for, raising her eyebrows.
Amanda cleared her throat. "Mornin', everyone."
Liv sidestepped the small river of coffee to approach her detectives as Fin gestured at Jerry, the squad room janitor, glancing at the floor and then looking to Amanda before shrugging and mouthing an apology. The soft-spoken older man approached with his squeaky-wheeled cart of cleaning supplies, his chin quivering like crazy. He was clearly trying his very best not to smile at Amanda's misfortune and maintain his usual placid expression.
"Well, our bagels made it in one piece…sort of," Olivia said, tapping at the dent on the side of the box that had managed to reach Amanda's desk. The container had been crushed up against Amanda's stomach as she took her tumble and tried to keep a desperate hold on the morning meeting's refreshments.
"I tried, y'all. I was kinda in a rush to make sure I was here on time."
"Oh, so that's why you came barreling in here like an Olympic runner," Olivia commented.
"Yeah, well…" Amanda trailed off with a shrug. "My alarm didn't go off, and then Jesse decided that Fruit Loops were NOT an acceptable breakfast this morning, even though she usually won't eat any other cereal. She had a bit too much sass, so I told her that they had better be gone from her bowl by the time I got her sister dressed and fed, and, well…she got creative."
"What did she do?" Kat asked with interest, still looking apologetic about the duffel-bag incident.
"She poured them in Frannie's bowl instead. And guess who was already slurping it all down by the time I got to the kitchen?"
Olivia chuckled and clucked her tongue. "One of those mornings, huh?" she said. "Noah's 'picky eater' phases certainly have not been fun, so I sympathize." She paused, eyes narrowing as she studied Amanda.
"What?"
"Rollins, you have a soggy fruit loop caught in your hair," Olivia snorted, plucking a sodden, purple ring of cereal free from a tangle of blonde strands.
"Oh, no." Kat commiserated softly. Her face was dead serious, but her voice was strained in a desperate attempt to suppress laughter.
"Look, guys, the last thing I need is to come home to piles of dog vomit or worse, so I had to intervene pretty quickly and tackle Frannie away from the breakfast cereal, which turned out to be a messy business. Dairy and Frannie don't mix."
Amanda's heart raced, but no longer from the dash into work. After flicking the stowaway Fruit Loop into the deskside trash can with a grimace, Olivia had absently returned a hand to Amanda's hair, combing her fingers through and gently tucking a few windblown strands into place behind the detective's ear. The warmth and feeling that washed over her felt like being wrapped tight in Olivia's arms earlier that month, Amanda's heart beating as fast as a hummingbird's wings after hearing the news that she had never expected. Detective second grade, she reminded herself, still unable to fully process or believe it. She had finally done something right. Olivia Benson thought she had done something right.
That small and innocent gesture, running a hand through Amanda's hair to fix it up? It shouldn't mean all that much. Nor should those once-in-awhile hugs that they exchanged when their kids had play dates together; or after a quick off-duty drink at the bar; or occasionally in the midst of a particularly horrific case involving children, when both women were overcome with a sickening kind of terror, the pressure to protect Noah, Jesse, and Billie rendering them mute. Lately, though, Amanda had been thinking about those hugs, and how they were too few and far between. Although her arms were usually full, holding onto her girls, she found that more often than not, they ached and felt empty. This sensation troubled her so much that she would sometimes feel her chest grow tight, squeezing uncomfortably, her breathing no longer as automatic or effortless. She had yet to broach this subject with Dr. Hanover. She didn't know if she could or would.
As Olivia headed over towards the break room., Amanda gave their newest colleague a very pointed look. "Really, Kat?" she mumbled. "You couldn't put your giant duffel bag somewhere else besides the middle of the floor?"
"Sorry," Kat replied, wincing. "I brought my boxing gear with me on the off-chance I actually have time to hit the ring tonight. I was heading right to the crib to put my stuff away, but I ran into Fin and we got caught up in a discussion."
Amanda straightened, feeling the familiar current of adrenaline. "What are we discussing?"
Kat hesitated, tucking in one lip.
"ESPN," Fin answered for her.
Amanda blew out a breath. "Seriously, you guys? I thought a case just broke or somethin.' I almost wiped out in front of the Captain so ya'll could stand around talking about sports shows?"
Kat shrugged, contrite. "Well, you made it here on time, at least. I have to hand it to you, that was pretty fast and furious. Too bad the coffee took a dive."
"Yeah, too bad," Amanda shot back, groaning as she glanced at the time on her phone. "Cause our squad meeting starts in less than a minute, and without immediate caffeine, it ain't gonna be pretty. Say hello to Detective Bitch."
"You mean we're meeting her just now?" Fin asked.
"Yeah, I wasn't aware that this was her first appearance," Kat chimed in, eager to share in the comeback. Her voice was tight with the same choked laughter as before.
"Aww, to hell with you guys. I brought these bagels for everyone, but these are now reserved for me and the Captain."
"Kiss ass," Fin muttered. "Between you and Kat, I swear. And why the hell are these bagels? Why aren't they donuts?"
"You know Liv, she's been on this health kick," Amanda said, rolling her eyes in agreement.
Olivia cleared her throat from the doorway to her office, taking off her reading glasses to fix her team of detectives with "the look."
"Are you guys planning on attending the meeting any time soon? Everything's quiet this second, but we all know it won't stay that way, so let's get a move on, please."
Captain Benson's core team shuffled obediently over to join Olivia in her office, Kat and Amanda plopping down on the couch and reclining against the cushions. Fin slumped into a nearby chair and stretched out his legs, covering his mouth in an exaggerated yawn. Whenever there was an uneventful moment on-duty, you took full advantage before chaos struck.
Olivia temporarily moved a few pictures of Noah from her desk to the back windowsill to make space for the dented box of bagels, opening up the cardboard container to retrieve tubs of cream cheese, plastic utensils, and paper napkins. In under 2 minutes, she made a decent-looking spread amidst the massive piles of paperwork and neatly stacked documentation related to their ever-growing caseload. "I'm afraid we'll have to eat and talk, guys. I have to prep for court this afternoon, so we'll need to stay on schedule and end on time. Hurry up and dig in."
The detectives descended at once, Fin practically elbowing the ladies out of the way to investigate the assortment of bagels. "The chocolate chip is mine," he announced sternly, locating and lifting the sole chocolate-chip bagel out of the carton in one fell swoop. He took a big, donut-style bite before anyone could protest, without bothering to slice his bagel or slather any cream cheese.
"Hey!" Amanda exclaimed. "That chocolate was going to be my source of caffeine."
Olivia sighed, sliding her own cup of black coffee across the desk to Amanda in a wordless offering. Amanda could have cried. Actually, she could feel her eyes misting a bit.
"Well, damn," Fin said after swallowing the mouthful he was chewing. "Rollins is so happy she's tearing up."
"I didn't have enough time to replace my coffee before the meeting," Amanda defended. "I need my caffeine to live."
Olivia rolled her eyes, fortunately oblivious to the deeper undercurrent of emotion coursing through Amanda, those feelings towards her Captain that were more than just a laughing matter. "Alright, take a seat, guys, and let's get started."
Kat was already sitting up straight and at attention on the couch, a sliced blueberry bagel and napkin perched on one knee, her small flip notepad and pen at the ready. Amanda shook her head and sighed, snatching up a cinnamon-sugar bagel before slumping down beside her.
For the first 30 minutes, the weekly meeting proceeded as usual, with a run-through of each of their cases and a discussion of priorities and action items. For the most part, they were all able to finish their bagels before the worst details turned their stomachs. Kat, resident note-taker, kept her pen constantly to paper, piping up with a question every 5 minutes or so. Amanda and Fin also contributed to the dialogue, though they were much more comfortable with throwing out curses and well-deserved jabs at the perpetrators (plenty of "son-of-bitches" and "pieces of shits" echoed around Liv's office on the daily). Once they had exhausted the list of victims in need of justice, everyone moved to get up and get busy, but Olivia held up a finger. "One sec, guys. We have another thing to discuss before you leave."
The team exchanged curious glances, waiting for Liv to elaborate. When she hesitated, expressions turned nervous. "Well?" Fin asked, voice grim.
"So, since Chief Garland came on board, he's had some interesting new ideas about how to run things, as some of you may have gathered. He's planning to implement something a little out of the ordinary."
"Oh God. What?" Amanda asked. The suspense in the room was palpable.
Olivia sighed, sliding her chair over to her computer and pulling something up on the monitor with a few mouse clicks. "He's proposed a team-building retreat for each SVU squad in the city. And it appears that attendance will be strongly encouraged, if not mandatory."
"Huh?" Fin asked, his expression completely blank. "Like…one of those feel-good getaways? With all the hokey trust exercises where we fall back and catch one another?"
"Nooo," Amanda breathed out. "Seriously?"
"Yes, it's a weekend trip," Olivia confirmed.
"That could certainly be… interesting," Kat faltered, trying to keep her voice light, put a positive spin on things. She earned simultaneous glares from Fin and Amanda.
"First mandated therapy, now a retreat? What's next, holding hands in the squad room every morning and singing Kumbaya?"
"You may not be far off, Fin," Olivia said dryly, contemplating the open email on her desktop screen. "Here's Chief Garland's official pitch," she said, clearing her throat to read.
"With the support of the International Association of Police Chiefs, NYPD will be rolling out a new professional development opportunity and gift of appreciation for the Special Victims squadrons of our city. Operation 'Special Weekend Unit' will provide New York's finest and most hardworking with an unprecedented opportunity for togetherness and team building. It's a fully funded, completely off-duty experience in which SVU squads from each of the five boroughs will have a turn to enjoy a special weekend with members of their unit. Reinforcements from other areas of the state have been recruited to fill in during your time away and help protect and serve our city. The first squad selected to attend the retreat is Manhattan SVU, with their weekend scheduled for the second week of May, 2020. Under the guidance and leadership of Captain Olivia Benson, the dedicated detectives of Manhattan SVU should plan to 'rest, reflect, regroup, and reunify.' Further information about the location of your Special Weekend will be provided by Friday."
No one spoke for a few moments, letting the words digest.
"Who the hell is filling in for us?" Fin asked in bewilderment. "This city can be especially heinous sometimes. I don't know what other recruits could possibly be up for this job."
"Fin, there are plenty of other capable police detectives in the state of New York," Olivia pointed out. "Chief Garland apparently is on the Board of Governors for the association that's helping to coordinate this. It's an organization of police leaders that specializes in professional development events, things of that nature. The Chief is very devoted to law enforcement appreciation and does a lot of work on the side in that area."
"Can't blame a brother for that," Fin begrudgingly acknowledged.
"Anyhow, several New York State officers have volunteered to fill in. A lot serve in small, sparsely populated towns upstate."
"Alrighty, then. Good luck, New York State PD," Amanda muttered. "Perverts and sickos in the Big Apple...they're in for a real treat. Liv, can you and I use childcare expenses as an excuse to dodge this one, ya think?"
"No fair playing the motherhood card to get out of special bonding time," Fin protested. "Kat, we better start cooking up our own excuses."
"Okay, guys, guys," Olivia said, holding up a hand to reign in the group. "Considering how this has already been coordinated and has become a state-sponsored event, I don't think we'll be getting out of this one. So, let's try to put this out of our minds for now. We do have actual police work to get to at some point today."
"Liv, you don't have any idea of where we're going or where we'll be staying?" Amanda couldn't help pressing. "I need to know what the heck we're in for."
"No, Rollins, I don't. It'll depend on what the department is able to fund, I'd imagine."
"Motel 6, here we come," Fin said, heaving a sigh.
Amanda collapsed against the door frame to Olivia's office on Friday morning, the usual team plus Carisi already gathered inside for their scheduled 8-AM check-in. "I'm here," she gasped, doubling over, hands on her knees. "What time is it?"
"It's 7:59," Kat said.
"One minute to 8! Whew. Yeah!" Amanda panted. She gave herself a congratulatory air clap, prompting Olivia to massage her temples as if staving off a migraine. "I made it just in time. Frannie knocked my alarm clock off my nightstand and unplugged it…gasp…and I forgot to set a backup on my phone; luckily Jesse decided to jump smack-dab on my stomach for a wake-up call, but then Billie spit up on my shoulder…pant…so I had to change shirts, and well, it was a..wheeze...close one." She had to stop to regulate her breathing, sounding a bit like an 80-year-old with emphysema instead of her actual 40 years.
"Jesus, Amanda, just take a seat before you pass out in the doorway and you actually are late," Fin grumbled. Carisi's hand twitched as Amanda moved past him, as if to take her elbow and guide her to safety just in case.
"Alright, now that we're all here…" Olivia muttered with an eye roll.
"So? What's the verdict? Where we going?" Amanda asked.
"We'll need to decide on that this morning, apparently," Olivia announced.
"Huh?"
There was a sheet of paper in front of the Captain on the desk; she retrieved her reading glasses and put them on, studying what was presumably the latest printed email from Deputy Chief Garland.
"It seems this 'team-building' is supposed to start now, because we've been asked to vote on where we're going and email the Chief our selection."
"Well, what are these fantastic choices, Liv?" Amanda asked, her colleagues murmuring or nodding in similar impatience.
"So, we have three options," Olivia announced. "Option 1: The Run and Tumble Retreat Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Highlights include organized team-building exercises, an obstacle course, and a ropes course." The Captain couldn't help snorting along with several of her subordinates.
"Oh, hell no," Fin said. "We already get a dose of obstacles on the daily. We're always dodging bullets, running in circles, and practically swinging from rooftops chasing after perps, and I'm over it. If we're being forced to get away, let's try to take a break from the nonsense."
"With this bunch, I'm not sure that's possible, but we'll see," Olivia said.
"Hey, why are you lookin' at me?" Amanda said.
"Rollins, if you have to ask..." she graced Amanda with a smile as she shook her head, as if sensing nervousness beneath the mirth. "I'm looking at all of you, to be perfectly honest."
"Yeah, Rollins…not everything is about you," Carisi said, eager to tease. He was the only one in the room with a genuine smile, though he was trying to hide it. It was clear the ADA missed being around his former squad mates.
"You can thank Amanda that you're invited, Carisi," Olivia said, raising her eyebrows over her glasses. "ADAs weren't on the guest list, but she was willing to annoy me all week asking if I was able to get a concession."
Amanda shrugged, winking at Carisi, then internally winced, thinking that may not have been the best choice. She knew that he had some not-so-secret feelings about her that were getting harder to downplay or ignore. She had grown to love the former detective who had once gotten on her nerves so badly; he was a best friend, the brother she never had.
But, Amanda didn't really want a romantic involvement—too many men had already been in and out of her life. Her girls currently had no contact with either of their fathers. Declan Murphy was constantly undercover, calling to ask about Jesse, but not wanting to intrude or get involved until he had a chance to "fully commit to being a father" (whatever that meant). And then there was Dr. Al, who had already been with five nurses since Amanda had turned down the engagement between them. He at least expressed an active interest in Billie, but the last time she had come by with the baby, she found a young, hastily clad girl in his massive living room, still fumbling with the buttons on her shirt. Legal, but with those dead, clouded eyes that Amanda often saw in escorts and prostitutes. And she had felt sick, and realized that she was completely done with encouraging Al Pollack to be Billie's father. Truthfully, she'd rather he not. No, Billie and Jesse didn't need any more complications of the male variety, not when they would already grow up missing two men. Besides, these days, her feelings lie with someone else.
Amanda was acutely aware of Olivia's proximity in the room, and like always when the woman was within 10 feet of her, she could feel her heart beat faster. She looked at Liv and she longed for things, made plans in her head. Amanda lived for the play dates, Sunday dinners, and movie nights, when the kids watched cartoons and the adults sipped wine. Olivia and Noah Benson were the missing element in her and her children's lives—family. Amanda hated that she was all that her girls had, and she hated being alone with herself. Even though her kids were a constant, she often felt hollowed out inside.
That all changed when she was around Olivia. Amanda wanted to spend more time with the woman who had filled her with so much awe since day one, especially now that Olivia maybe approved of her too. Some nights, Amanda even dreamed of her Captain in a way that made her face heat. In each scenario, Olivia had been in bed with her, but they just lie together, nothing else. Sometimes, Amanda was cradled to Olivia's chest, and other times, she was spooned gently from behind, Liv's arm tucked snugly around her middle.
No one really ever held Amanda, so she reasoned that these recurring dreams might be a classic case of wanting what she couldn't have. Still, she wondered. Maybe she ought to talk with Kat, who had casually mentioned dates with both men and women in the context of a recent investigation. Bisexuality was not something you discussed, let alone admitted, when you came from a family of fundamentalist Baptists, so Amanda had never broached the subject with anyone in her life before.
As if on cue, Kat's voice brought Amanda back into the room. "What's Option 2, Captain?" she asked, trying to keep them on target. The guys had digressed into a critique of the Run and Tumble Retreat Center, Fin having pulled up the website for that destination on his phone.
Olivia shook her head, lips pursed as if she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "Wilderness camping in the Catskill mountains. In tents, apparently."
The exclamations were raucous and rapid-fire.
"The wilderness?" Kat squeaked, sounding like a mouse caught in a trap.
"No freakin' way. No. Just, no. I'll take the Motel 6."
"Lions, and tigers, and bears, no way." (Carisi was more emphatic than when he got heated in the courtroom, all good cheer replaced with red-faced energy).
"We'll kill each other before the bears have a chance. No electricity, no Internet, no running water? I'm out. I only do camp-outs for Jesse, and that's with pillows and blankets on the living room floor."
Olivia ran a hand over her face. "I don't have much else to add other than what's already been said. Except an emphatic no."
"What's the third option?" Fin asked in an ominous tone.
Olivia scanned the email for the final selection. "A farm in Upstate New York. We'd be staying in a cottage."
The team went quiet, contemplating. "Huh," Amanda mused, after a pause. "Country livin'? I mean, been there, done that. I could manage."
"As the saying goes, third choice may have to be the charm," Fin muttered. "I'm not playing Tarzan and running around some obstacle course all day, and I sure as hell am not sleeping on the ground and peeing in the woods with y'all."
"Agreed," Kat said, her voice quivering. The scrappy rookie and fearless boxer was still wide-eyed at the thought of roughing it in nature. "I like farm animals, though. I can do farm animals."
"Yes, farm animals," Amanda chimed in. "Animals that won't hunt us down. No lions, no tigers, no bears, Carisi. Just probably horses, sheep, goats, maybe a pig or two, chickens, and...oh, crap… a rooster that will wake us at the crack-ass of dawn. Aw, man, I hope this is a poultry-free farm," she moaned.
"Well, Rollins, maybe if you adopted a rooster as a pet, then getting to the squad room on time wouldn't be an ongoing challenge," Olivia commented, chin propped tiredly on one hand. "Clearly the alarm clock isn't cutting it."
"Oh, Billie already has that covered, Captain—don't you worry. She's got a great set of lungs on her. And you know Jesse, she loves screeching barnyard animal sounds. Cock-a-doodle-do is a personal best."
Kat's eyes went even wider as the group fell silent, letting the ridiculous of the current conversation sink in. Then, the whole room was in stitches, everyone doubled over in unison, a rare, collective laughter filling the Captain's office.
"What is happening?" Kat chuckled. She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye with one knuckle.
"Special Weekend, here we come," Amanda said, raising her arms towards the ceiling in what could either be an exaggerated shrug or a supplication of prayer.