"Historia." His voice.
"Historia." Her voice.
"Are you okay?" His voice.
"You'll be okay." Her voice.
"No."
"Does it hurt?" His voice.
"Are you hurt?" Her voice.
I nodded.
"Should I stop?" His voice.
"Should I go?" Her voice.
"No." I shook my head.
But I knew my answer did not convince them. Tears wouldn't stop and my body kept trembling.
I didn't know which one ached the most: the lower part of my body or my heart. And if only I knew that it was really that tight feeling in my chest, I didn't know which one hurt me the most: the fact that I was losing my virginity or this guilt that I kept for Ymir's sake.
The bed kept creaking although the man I was currently living with was trying to be as gentle as he could be. It creaked in every breath he took. He was panting from lust. I was panting from sorrow. His voice asking if I was okay every single minute was as annoying as the bed.
I wanted him to let go of my hand so I could cover my face and wipe the tears, but I didn't want to say anything.
I closed my eyes instead.
"Are you okay?" his voice blurred at the end of the sentence, replaced by higher voice. "Am I doing it right?"
The weight of his body felt lighter. His hands holding mine felt thinner. They fit better. So I nodded again.
Ymir.
"You're beautiful, Historia" she said. She caressed my cheek and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
So are you. I said as soon as I saw her.
She was on top of me. Her slim body was sharing its warmth with mine. Our legs entangled under the blanket.
She kissed my neck and I moaned.
I could feel her dark hair tickling my bare skin.
"Do you trust me?" she whispered.
With all my life.
Then everything blurred as I let my other four senses take over me. All I could hear was the bed creaking and our moans. All I could smell was her hot breath on my face. All I could taste was her tongue inside my mouth. All I could feel was her hands all over my body, trying to make me comfortable through all of this completely new experience.
Then I realized that tears never stopped from falling. Was my body telling me that it was wrong? Or was my body telling me that my time with her was running out?
As if answering my question, she held my body closer, hugging me as if I was the most precious thing in the world. The thought made me choke.
Are you leaving? I asked.
"Should I?" she breathed out, her hand stroking my back.
Don't.
"Then I won't."
Then please stay.
"I will," her voice shaking as she kissed me. I tightened my arms around her, closing my eyes and trying to be as silent as I could, because I wanted to hear her heartbeats. But I couldn't find that sound that would comfort me.
I was tempted to open my eyes, to see her clearer, to see her dark hair, her brown skin, her freckles, her thin lips, her beautiful eyes, but I knew she would be gone if I did. But even though I shut my eyes harder, my mind was giving up. I couldn't focus on her, her voice, her taste, her smell, her touch.
I started to sob.
Her warmth started to fade away. The heavier breath that was not her was coming back. The hands holding mine felt rough. The body on top of me was too big and heavy.
I opened my eyes and I saw her sharp brown eyes, blurred by a pair of bigger eyes staring back at me.
"With all my life, Your Majesty," she started, but I could feel her voice was fading. "I love you," I heard two voices said the last three words in unison.
But no one knew that I only nodded to answer one of them.