Happy Holidays, everyone! There are three quick items of business in this author's note. First, thanks to the guest who reviewed last chapter! I'm glad you thought it was funny, that's the main goal of this story! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

For today's second item of business, a quick recap of the last chapter: Phineas and Isabella ended up getting stranded again on another planet after accidentally getting pulled into a drug deal for the space mafia. Turns out the drugs, lemons, are a potent hallucinogen that triggered a vividly erotic hallucination when Isabella was exposed to it. Ashamed of how strongly she reacted to it, she fled from Phineas' presence. Diamondback, the mafia member they ended up accompanying, abandoned them and was later visited by a set of Kandake missionaries, which he thought were men sent by his boss to kill him for the failed drug deal.

Thirdly and finally, this story is and always has been rated T for language, depiction of drug use, and mild sexual themes (Beware, lemons incoming! But not actual lemons. Satirical lemons!) on account of this and the remaining chapters, the overwhelmingly guilty parties. But honestly, the real warning should be for the chapter lengths! Those are probably far more offensive than anything you'll read here, content-wise. Probably? Maybe? Either way, the rating is T.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Don't Write A Fanfiction With Them!

My name is Starshadow. Actually, it isn't; my real name is Acheeadee Achowencieachoh, but that's uber long and hard to remember. Starshadow sounds cooler, it's the nickname of a tough guy.

I am the head honcho of the so-called space mafia, the Zyxuga, so I have to look and sound like a bada** around my subordinates. At least, that's what you would expect from a mafia boss. But the truth is I don't care about the money, or the power, or the ego trip of being the biggest, meanest dog around. All I really want is some comedy in my life. In fact, I'd kill for someone around here to laugh at a single one of my jokes!

But these mafia types always take everything so seriously. They never lighten up. Like just this evening, one of my men called in to report on a busted drug deal. The guy has been solid ever since he joined the Zyxuga. Works hard, is loyal to the clan, his future was really on the up-and-up. I wasn't actually gonna punish him for one deal going south. A couple thousand marks is meaningless to someone such as myself. When I told him "Do what my men say and I might let you live to see another day," that was just a joke! But did he laugh? No! He thought I was dead serious.

That's what always happens. My subordinates are too afraid of me to laugh. We are the space mafia, after all. They think I'll cut off their fingers if they so much as sneeze without covering their mouth around me. I could always cut their fingers off for not laughing at my jokes, but that isn't comedy. True comedy requires that they think the joke was actually funny. Forcing it out of them means I'm just a hack.

I have to get them laughing of their own free will. I'll just have to step up my game.

My name is Starshadow. I am the top dog in the space mafia on Planet Gleith. And I just want someone to laugh at my jokes.

Isabella didn't stop running until she reached the point where every stabbing breath made her lungs feel like pincushions. When she couldn't run any further, she slowed down to a walk, shortening the gaps between the tears on the ground marking her path.

If she could give everything she had for a chance to redo the last several minutes of her life, she wouldn't hesitate.

She wiped at the streams silently running down her cheeks, slowly catching her breath. Her clothes and shoes were getting soiled by the dusty road she was walking on. She didn't care. As much as her legs were burning, it was nothing compared to the burning guilt she bore inside her. She was a piece of human garbage, no less filthy than the industrial waste pond her route was taking her along.

Dirty and rotten to the core. All because of a little lemon.

Her innocence was now forever gone, lost, from the things she had witnessed. How could I let myself succumb to such things? Her insides twisted up in knots at the shame. Not for accidentally seeing them, but for knowing that in the deepest parts of her, she wanted more. Craved it.

Why is my mind so dirty? I shouldn't be thinking such unbecoming thoughts! Yet no matter what she tried, they just kept coming and coming. If Phineas saw her in this state, she would die of embarrassment and shame.

How could she face him now? How would she be able to look him in the eye without imagining all the dirty things the lemon had shown her doing with him? He was probably looking for her at that very moment. It might not take him long to catch up to her. She had to keep moving.

Not really paying attention to where her feet took her, she wandered aimlessly deeper into the cesspit of industrialized buildings and polluted skies. It was so overcast with smog that she couldn't see which direction the planet's star was shining from. A rusty water tower elevated above the skyline served as her main landmark.

She passed building after dingy brick building, moping and wallowing and pitying herself as she unknowingly wandered deeper into the slums of the population district on Planet Gleith.

In a nearby hospital, the interstellar crimefighter and costumed superhero known as Catman sat in the waiting room holding an icepack against the back of his head. When a sign above a nearby surgery room pinged as its light blinked off, he got to his feet in anticipation. A nurse stepped out of the surgery room and approached him.

"How's it looking, doc?" Catman asked. "Is Swallow going to be okay?"

"He's recovering now," the nurse said from under baggy eyes. "While his condition has stabilized, I do have some bad news. The injury has caused some damage to the prefrontal cortex. Only time will tell if he will ever be the same as he used to be."

"What do you mean?"

"It's the area of the brain that controls impulses and regulates judgment. Sometimes, patients with this kind of damage end up making uncharacteristically poor life choices, like spending all of their life savings, or their personality could wind up different, such as having a shorter temper than before. It varies from case to case. For now, it's still too early to tell how it will affect him going forward."

Catman rubbed his temple with his hands. "I see. Thank you for doing this much. Can I see him?"

"He should be waking up shortly. Right this way, please." The nurse led Catman down the hall.

They entered a small recovery room where Swallow laid resting in a cot with a host of tubes and wires attached to his body. Swaths of white bandages were wrapped around his head while a heartbeat monitor pinged rhythmically in the background.

"Hey, Catman," Swallow greeted weakly under heavily lidded eyes. "Did we catch the bad guys?"

"I'm afraid not," Catman said, coming up to rest a hand on Swallow's shoulder.

"Sorry I ruined the operation," Swallow apologized.

"It wasn't your fault." Catman shook his head, holding back tears. "Don't worry about it, Swallow. Just rest for now."

The nurse took the spot on the other side of the cot. "I am going to give you a few simple tests now, to find the extent of your brain damage. First off, how many fingers am I holding up?"

Swallow looked. "Four," he said.

"Very good." The nurse made a note on her clipboard. "Now, the next test will check your depth perception. When you are ready, raise your right hand and touch the clipboard." She held the clipboard out a foot or so above the cot.

Swallow reached up slowly, stopping just short of the clipboard before sliding his gaze sideways and cupping his outstretched hand over the nurse's chest.

"Mr. Grayson," the nurse said testily, "I said touch the clipboard. Those are my breasts."

Swallow gave a little extra squeeze for good measure, a bit of drool forming at the corner of his widening grin. "They're just my type. Big, and soft, and round, and―ouch!"

The nurse brought the clipboard down hard and rapped him across the head. He rubbed the spot, eyes watering.

"Seems your depth perception works just fine," the nurse noted, making another mark on her clipboard as if nothing had happened.

Catman's jaw had dropped to his utility belt, as if he couldn't believe what he just saw. "Sw-Swallow, you c-can't grope people like that! Heroes don't do things like that!"

"Why not?" Swallow asked with the innocence of a small child.

"You―you just can't!"

Swallow wore a confuddled look, as if he genuinely didn't understand. "But she has a nice rack. I wanted to see what it felt like."

Catman cringed. "Don't say dirty things like that, either, and apologize to the nurse!"

"But what's so dirty about it?"

"Catman," the nurse interrupted, her pen hovering above the clipboard, "has he ever acted like this before?"

"No!" Catman said, a concerned look on his face. "He has always been a very polite young man."

"I see." She checked a few more boxes and put the pen away. "It seems the damage was rather severe. Our advanced alien medicine will have him healed up in a jiffy, but there's nothing we can do about brain damage. I'm sorry, Mr. Catman. However, he is still young, and his brain is still ductile and growing. Let's just hope the changes to his personality won't be permanent."

With that, she took her leave. "Once he takes his last bout of medication, he's free to go," she waved over her shoulder. "You should definitely watch him extra closely for a while, though."

Dusk was approaching, causing Isabella to shiver. Phineas still hadn't found her, and she was now thoroughly lost in the city, despite trying to trace her footsteps back the way she came. Fear was starting to creep in.

Maybe running away like that wasn't such a good idea after all. As worried as she still was about their eventual reunion, she'd had enough time to cool down and was beginning to think straight again. They were once more stranded on an alien planet, separated, without a plan to get home. The shame she felt for how she treated Phineas was still gnawing at her, but in the face of the growing apprehension about being lost and alone in a strange world trillions of miles from home, working up the courage to apologize didn't seem as bad as she initially blew it out of proportion to be.

The passersby were becoming more and more dangerous looking, a few were even giving her some creepy looks. With each ticking second, Isabella felt more hyper-aware of her surroundings. She slipped into an alley to escape the unnerving feeling that she was being watched and sat down on a stained mattress that had been dumped there. It had a funky smell, but so did everything and everywhere she'd been so far in this city.

This is the part where the cute heroine says, "Things couldn't possibly get any worse," and then it starts raining, she thought, glancing overhead. Fortunately, the clouds that were gathering did not seem to be threatening. However, a chilly breeze broke through the alley, nipping at her skirt and rending from her an involuntary shiver.

It's only been an hour or two. Phineas will probably find me soon. I'll bet he already whipped up a new cuteness tracker, or something, and is on his way now. Or he's putting the finishing touches on the object locator app Ferb and he uploaded to Candace's cell phone. Come to think of it, why didn't we just use that to teleport back to Earth forever ago? He's probably thinking the same thing, and laughing about it.

Except our phones are out of battery. At least, mine is.

No, wait, he probably engineered a super battery that holds a charge for weeks.

Although, that locator app might need a signal to work, and we're definitely out of range for Earth's satellites.

That doesn't matter. Phineas will find a way. He always does. Isabella allowed a sigh to escape and gloomily looked off into the distance, where the sun was setting. Just like that time on the deserted island.

Isabella was so wrapped up in feeling sorry for herself that she only then realized a presence was emerging at the entrance of the alley. A tall, three-legged android with an authoritative looking uniform was approaching, and looking right at her with its lifeless eyes.

She stood up. Now a second, identical android entered her field of view from the other direction, cutting her off. From two tentacle-like arms, it produced a pole with a loop of cord on the end, while its companion held up a net, like a couple of animal control workers getting ready to catch a cat living on the streets. As she made eye contact with them, she immediately knew they were after her.

The terror surging inside of her instinctively told Isabella she had to make an escape. However, the only way out was past one of the androids, which were getting nearer. Their three legs were spear-shaped prongs, each ending in a sharp point. They stopped about ten feet away, sensing her out.

She jumped into action and made her move, acrobatically using the wall as a springboard to launch herself between the android's pole and its dangerous looking legs, attempting to parkour past before the android could react. Just as she was about to break past, its tentacle-like arms stretched out after her, as if they could change their lengths at will, and the loop quickly came down around her body to slip shut about her waist. Trapped, the other android used that moment of timing to wrap her up in the net and pull her feet out from under her. She toppled to the ground, writhing against the ropes.

"Let me go!" she shrieked.

The android's rectangular faces paused quizzically and looked at one another. "Upper level intelligence confirmed," they noted, before looking back at her. "Ability to communicate, possesses."

One of the androids reached out with its mechanical arm, which morphed from a tentacle into a hand and set of fingers. The fingers reached down and plucked a hair from her head. "Ow!" she exclaimed, rubbing the spot on her scalp.

Without response, the android brought the follicle to its unmoving mouth's shell and ate it. "Analyzing," it said, while a loading icon temporarily appeared over the spot its voice box should be. "DNA sequencing complete. Subject: female. Species: human. Status: endangered."

"Endangered?" Isabella asked, but before she could say any more, the android picked her up and carried her to where their vehicle waited on the curb. She was unceremoniously tossed into the carriage in the back before the cage doors were locked, shutting her in.

The wheels started to turn, and just like that, she was being driven off like a dog getting taken to the pound.

My name is Starshadow. I am the boss of the space mafia on Planet Gleith. To my underlings, I am a rough and tough, cold-hearted gangster and crime lord.

Right now, I am watching the Evening Show with Kay Kenno. My bodyguards understand I am not to be disturbed and are waiting outside my room, handling any business or other distractions for me while I watch my favorite comedy shows.

Kay's show is something of a gathering ground for the best comedians in the galaxy. Anyone can submit jokes to be featured in that week's episode, and only the best are read. Being picked as the final joke, the one Kay's show ends on, has always been a right of passage for anyone claiming to be a true connoisseur of comedy. And although I have been submitting my best jokes for years, that honor has so far never been mine.

However, I thought of my funniest one yet this week. I'd say that if I ever had a joke worthy of being featured, this is the one.

"And for our final joke," Kay said as the show was wrapping up, "we have received another meme from our most popular submitter, Britishboson."

What? Another featurette from my greatest rival, Britishboson? But he just had a joke featured last week! How is he claiming the top spot twice in a row?

Britishboson was an unknown up until about eight months ago when his submissions to Kay's show started becoming regularly featured. Many of the Milky Way's most well-known and established comedians are fuming at the amount of attention he's getting as a rookie. They think his success is a fluke, that it won't last.

"And here it is! Let's take a look, shall we?" Kay held up Britishboson's meme, and the camera panned in.

Text scrawled across the top of the image read, "Just re-found this old video of my girlfriend's father when he was in high school." The gif below began to play, displaying a repulsive looking alien wearing nothing but a pair of underwear and some strange shoes with wheels attached. "I am a superstar!" he proudly told the camera as he rolled along the floor wearing those unusual shoes, before suddenly losing all control of his momentum. "Ack ack ack ack ack!" he screamed before landing face first into a toilet bowl, somehow hitting the flusher with his flailing heel. "Ah! It won't stop flushing!"

The clip ended, to uproarious laughter from the studio audience. Even Kay himself was turning red, trying and failing to hold a straight face while he looked into the camera. Ultimately the host lost the battle and needed to bury his face in his arms. The camera still caught the movement of his shoulders heaving up and down, then he gave up the facade entirely and pounded on his desk with his fist, revealing a face utterly in tears from laughter.

I mean, I admit this clip has comedic value, but is it really that much better than my submission? I have been following the galaxy's comedy scene for years, and yet this upstart thinks he can rise to the top so easily?

"I am a superstar!" The clip was playing over and over again on a loop. "Ack! It won't stop flushing! ...I am a superstar! Ack! It won't stop flushing!" Everyone in the audience was doubled over, laughing feverishly.

Eh, who am I kidding? This is funny as h***.

My name is Starshadow. Once again, I have lost today's comedy battle to my personal rival, Britishboson. Britishboson, whoever you are, wherever you are, I have to admit you are a comedy legend. You are the real deal.

Her kennel had been in constant motion for hours, but due to the curtain draped over it, Isabella couldn't hope to see where she was being taken. The minimum amount of comfort the pad on the floor provided would have been enough to sleep on, had she not been too terrified for sleep to find her. Hopes of being reunited with Phineas anytime soon were being dashed to pieces. There was no doubt he would eventually find her, of that she was certain, it was simply a matter that the miles piling up between them weren't going to make it easy for him. And while she didn't seem to be in any immediate danger, she couldn't imagine what ordeals lay ahead for her or what her captors had planned.

She could be heading off to an adoption shelter where she would be put up for sale as an alien pet; or, she could just as easily be being taken to a slaughtering house for all she knew.

Mechanical sounds were clanking all around her. She wasn't just being moved laterally, she had felt herself getting lifted and docked by a crane a few times on her journey as well. All she could do was wait to see where she was being taken.

Finally, after all that waiting, a new clicking sound she hadn't heard before accompanied a final jolting stop, and her kennel came to rest at last. The cage door lifted itself open, giving her her first glimpse of her new surroundings.

She peeked out the kennel door. No one was around. Outside it was a poorly lit hallway with no doors or windows.

Clash!

Behind her, the far wall began moving slowly her way, forcing her out of the cage's space at a nonthreatening speed. She stepped out, and the wall continued to move along behind her, prodding her down the hallway. After moving thirty feet or so, the hallway came to an end at a wide steel wall directly in front of her. For a moment, she panicked, thinking that the moving door was going to crush her against it. However, it stopped several feet away, leaving her in essentially a small, contained room.

Without warning, hoses dropped down from the ceiling, showering down buckets of water on her. Soap suds mixed in, and a series of mechanical brushes scrubbed her body up and down, clothes and all. Then after a second rinse, an intense burst of air shot through the room, quickly drying her while the water drained. It all happened in less than a minute.

The hoses then retracted back into the ceiling, and the steel wall in front of her parted down the middle. Blinding white light was shining through from the other side. Isabella put up a shielding hand and blinked through it, trying to process what she was seeing as the doorway widened.

Her adjusting eyes revealed rows of desks and furry mammalian faces occupying them, all facing the adjacent wall, where a bear-like creature stood behind a podium, a pace away from a chalkboard.

Furry students and instructor aside, it was a typical high school classroom.

Except for one detail.

The far wall, where you would typically expect to find tall windows letting in sunlight along with glimpses of a playground or trees or maybe even a soccer and track field, that entire wall was instead made of glass. And on its other side, all sorts of strange aliens of unusual body shapes with bright colors were staring through, watching.

Before she could register that, though, the teacher at the front turned to her and said, "Ah, it appears we have another new foreign exchange student." His fuzzy face curled up in an otherwise friendly smile, and he wore a pair of glasses. "Well, come in then, introduce yourself," he beckoned.

Bewildered, Isabella stepped forward. "Um, can anyone tell me where I am and what is going on?"

"Ah ah," tsked the teacher, "introductions first."

"Fine then," sighed Isabella, turning to face the students. "My name is―"

"Isabella!" To her sheer disbelief, Phineas stood up in the back corner, relief showing all over his face. "Thank goodness, you made it too!"

"Ph-Phineas?" A gamut of emotions welled up inside of her. Shock. Relief. Confusion. Joy. Shame. Excitement. Even lust and repulsion, the effects of the lemon still maintaining a slight hold on her. She stood there with mouth agape.

One of the students, whose fur had black spots surrounding her eyes uncannily like a panda's, finally raised their hand. "Excuse me, do the two of you know each other?"

"Yes," Phineas immediately answered. "Yes, we do. Class, this is Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, my best friend since childhood and, more importantly, my girlfriend."

"Oo-ooh," the class oohed, sounding equal parts impressed and mocking. Isabella tried to compose herself, and managed to at least close her mouth.

The teacher stepped up to her. "You may call me Mr. Ku, and these are your new homeroom classmates," he said with a sweep of his clawed paw. "So welcome to Endangered Species High School! I hope you get along with one another. Now, you may take your seat, Ms. Isabella."

There was an open desk beside Phineas, and despite her anxiety, the expectant look on his face told her he presumed she would claim it. Isabella brushed aside her worries for the moment and reluctantly sat beside him, avoiding his gaze.

"Where are we?" she asked under her breath.

"I haven't the foggiest," he whispered in reply. "I only got here just a little while before you did."

"I just told you," Mr. Ku said, apparently having overheard from across the room. Isabella deduced he must have a sharp sense of hearing. "You are at Endangered Species High School. All young members of intelligent endangered species found living outside their natural habitats on Gleith are brought here."

"And who are they?" Isabella gestured at the large glass window to her side, where spectating aliens seemed to come and go as they pleased.

"Pay them no mind," Mr. Ku said in a soothing voice. "We are being observed by scientists, conservationists, and even interested paying members of the public. They will be watching your progress, so please do your best on your studies!"

Isabella suddenly realized why she felt so much like she was in a fishbowl, or aquarium. "Wait a minute," she said, comprehension dawning. "Are we―in some sort of zoo exhibit ?"

"Do not be alarmed," said Mr. Ku disarmingly. "It is only temporary. While your studies will be closely monitored, our goal is to help you learn the survival skills you'll need to be reintroduced back into your natural habitats. Hopefully, after you graduate, you'll be able to do your part in going out and helping your struggling populations bounce back."

"Pardon me." Phineas' hand shot up. "I think there's been some sort of misunderstanding. Isabella and I―that is, humans aren't endangered! There's over seven billion of us back on Earth!"

"On 'Earth?'" Mr. Ku asked quizzically. "Never heard of it. And even if that's true, seven billion individuals clustered on only one planet still qualifies as an endangered species according to the Galactic Endangered Species Protection Association. After all, a stray asteroid or gamma ray burst would be all it takes to wipe out such a tiny, isolated population."

Phineas' hand fell back to his desk with a thud. He didn't seem able to argue with that. Isabella tentatively raised her own hand and caught Mr. Ku's attention. "Do we have a choice about our enrollment here?"

"Of course not," Mr. Ku answered with a smile.

She was afraid of that. "And how long does this program take?" she followed up, preparing for the worst.

"Oh, just a couple of days."

Isabella cocked her head slightly. She half expected him to say 'years,' not days. "Oh. That's not so bad."

"Naturally. Most of this class is comprised of Ursaids." He indicated to their furry classmates with his paw, who were all somewhat anthropomorphic bears by appearance, like Mr. Ku. All of them possessed furry bodies and snouts on their faces, but sat or stood upright, wore clothes, and in all other ways seemed to behave like humans. "Their mating season starts in two days. If possible, we hope you all will graduate by then, to ensure we have a most productive season this year." His gaze swept back over the rest of the class. Isabella was too busy adjusting to these new surroundings to notice that most of them were reluctant to return it.

Sighing, she settled back down in her seat in resignation. "Well, if it's only for two days. It could have been worse." Then her body froze as she realized something. Wait, what did he say about a 'mating season?'

Mr. Ku turned back to the class. "Well, if that's settled, let's get back to business, shall we? Now, you all know why you're here. With the addition of our new exchange students, our class is up to six boys and six girls." He intertwined his clawed digits. "That's enough for each of you to find your perfect match in time for the big day."

His words were met with many unenthusiastic groans from the young Ursaids. "Oh, don't give me any of that gripe," chided Mr. Ku. "You have all reached sexual maturity. It's time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your species. The ten of you might very well be the only unpaired Ursaids on all Planet Gleith. So take a good look around. That's right. Look to your left; now look to your right. The faces you just saw are your only options for your future partners. That's just how it is. Each of you will have to pick one if you plan to graduate this year.

"As for our newcomers," he continued, looking toward Phineas and Isabella, "while I do not know as much about the mating habits of humans, I will do my best to adapt my class activities and assignments any way I can to accommodate the two of you. You and Phineas were brought here because, out of all the classrooms in this school, Ursaids were the most genetically similar to humans―to your reproductive organs in particular. Therefore my lesson plans should be as applicable to yourselves as to your classmates. However, feel free to ask me any questions if you have any problems, and I will do my utmost to assist your learning and bonding process."

Isabella was having trouble processing what she was hearing. "Um, so what exactly are we going to be learning? All this talk of 'mating seasons' and―" She had meant to say 'reproductive organs' but was too embarrassed to form the words, so she settled with, "And other stuff―is making this sound like a sex-ed class. Aren't we going to be learning about outdoorsy stuff like hunting and gathering, building shelters, and making fire?" Hopeful to quickly prove she and Phineas were ready to be released so they could get out of this place all the sooner, she expected she would have no problem acing any survival classes thanks to her extensive patch collection. If this was just going to be like her wilderness survival boot camp Fireside Girl campout, it would be a cinch.

"Heavens, no," Mr. Ku answered with an upbeat smile. "The sole focus of this class's curriculum will be to help each of you to find yourself a life-partner in time for the upcoming mating season. Please work hard so you can begin multiplying and replenishing your species as quickly as possible! That is the kind of survival we hope you'll achieve!"

Isabella's face glazed into a half-smile, half-frown. "Huh?"

We now return to the Adventures of Sabertoothed Catman and his sidekick, Swallow! After a good night's sleep, our heroes have recovered from their injuries and are forming a new plan to curtail the spread of lemons, the space mafia's potent new street drug, across the Sagittarius spiral arm of the galaxy.

Their new mission: to investigate the recent influx of lemon possession and usage among the student body at Endangered Species High School, and if possible, infiltrate the drug's source, the Zyxuga.

"So what made the two of you want to transfer to our school?" the principal asked, commencing the interview. The principal of Endangered Species High School sat behind clasped hands and peered over his desk at the two caricatures before him―one, a cotton candy blue-haired catgirl with an eye patch covering her left eye; the other, a short and squat monkeyboy with matted brown fur.

Taking care not to blow her cover, Madam East opened her mouth to explain. "We are a pair of orphans who have been growing up on the streets, meow. As you can see, we are hybrids, so not meow-ny places are willing to take us in." Chip Grayson nodded in agreement.

"I see," the principal hummed. "Well, you do appear to be a rare blend, whatever your parents were, and it sounds like you do need protecting. And all your paperwork seems to be in order, so I think it will be no problem making an exception for the two of you to transfer to our school."

What new threats and enemies await our heroes inside the walls of Endangered Species High School? Will they be able to keep their covers a secret? Stick around to find out right after this break!

It was hard to believe that just a few minutes ago, she had been sitting alone in a dark kennel, contemplating her unknown fate in this absurdly upside-down world.

"This is beyond indecent! It's outright immoral!" Isabella hollered, casting her eyes on her fellow classmates. "Doing those kinds of things at our age? It's shameful! Scandalous!"

Mr. Ku calmly cleaned his glasses while he listened to her sudden outburst.

"What kind of an institution would even condone such immorality?" Isabella had to pause to catch her breath. She glanced suspiciously at the glass wall, where all the aliens were watching her with utmost fascination.

"I'm afraid I do not understand quite where you are coming from," Mr. Ku declared, replacing his glasses. "Isn't this normal? For thousands, perhaps even millions of years, haven't generations upon generations of Ursaids followed their evolutionary instincts, left their territories and migrated back to the place of their birth, climbed to the top of the Zawarudo Tree, and found a mate upon reaching adulthood?"

"Um," was all Isabella could say.

"It's okay to be nervous and uncertain about all this," Mr. Ku continued to the rest of the class as much as to Isabella. "The upcoming days can be a worrisome ordeal. You will be making the biggest choice of your lives. Ah, I still remember when I was your age and about to enter my first mating season. It's normal to feel nervous about your first time. It's normal to worry about whether or not you will find someone to be your partner. Just know that as your teacher and guide, I have the utmost confidence that every single one of you can find that special person in your life in the next two days!"

Isabella sat back down in her seat, realizing that she simply couldn't reconcile her point of view with what she was hearing.

One of the Ursaid students, a boy, raised his paw. "But Mr. Ku," he asked, "if you get to the top of the Zawarudo Tree and nobody picks you, can't you just wait until next year and try again?"

For the first time, Mr. Ku showed the slightest trace of a frown. "Unfortunately, no. Pollution on Gleith has impaired the Zawarudo Tree's life cycle. It no longer blooms every year as it used to. And since our mating season is tied to the arrival of the Zawarudo Tree blossoms, it may be years before the next season starts. If you miss your opportunity this season, you might be an old fart like me by the time the next one rolls around, and by then it may be too late for you to ever find a life partner. Besides, everyone knows that high school romance is nothing less than the zenith of achievable happiness in life, and if you fail to find it you'll be miserable and lonely forever." He quickly put his smile back on. "So I urge you once again to do your best, class!"

Many of the students shifted uncomfortably in their seats as well.

Meanwhile, Isabella's thoughts were running wild. Keep it together, Izzy. Every planet you and Phineas have come across has had its share of weird stuff. You should have expected this planet to be no different. Instead of arguing about any strange notions this Ursaid species has about underage romance, let's just focus on getting released! All I have to do is prove to Mr. Ku and all the alien biologists watching us through that glass wall that Phineas and I are dating, and they should give us our freedom back. That's the gameplan! Just go along with whatever they say, no matter how backwards it seems, and we'll be out of here in no time! She confidently nodded to herself before directing her attention back to the front of the room.

Mr. Ku took a deep breath. "Now then, our next assignment has already been delayed long enough, so if there are no further questions, I will begin handing it out now."

He shuffled together a stack of papers and began distributing them row by row. As soon as a packet made its way to her desk, Isabella began looking it over.

"An important step in finding your life partner will be putting your best qualifications on full display for the opposite gender to see," Mr. Ku introduced the subject. "This assignment will teach you how to do that."

He flipped a switch, firing up the projector and illuminating a powerpoint slide on the board: How to build your Relationship Resume.

"Finding a boyfriend or girlfriend can be a lot like finding a job," explained Mr. Ku. "First you search around to find what openings are available, pick a match that suits you, and then submit an application. And if the other party decides that you have the qualifications they are looking for, you are hired, and you become boyfriend and girlfriend! Simple, right?"

The slide changed. Now, the screen had been imaged to look like a classified ad for a job opening. It read:

Example: I am a male who is seeking to fill an opening in my social life for the 'girlfriend' position. Applicants must be female, with at least eighteen but no more than thirty years experience. If you are interested in applying, please contact me at 555-0145 or submit an application with a recent photo to my galactic mail address at...

"For this assignment," smiled Mr. Ku, "you will be filling out a resume as if you were applying for a relationship opening like the one on the board. You may find it helpful to pretend your crush was the one who posted it."

Isabella's shock was written on her face with the capital 'O' her mouth was forming. To her, the premise of posting an ad for a boy or girlfriend was as fallacious as if someone were teaching her that one plus one equals cupcake. Is he serious? A dating application? That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

"That actually makes sense," she heard Phineas mumble to himself from her side. She glanced at him and felt her jaw drop further at the sight of the overly logical and mechanical Phineas stroking his chin thoughtfully while reading the slide. "Just like a job application―how come I never thought of it that way before? That's brilliant!"

Not you too! And here I thought you had been making progress at reading my romantic hints lately, Phineas!

"Building a strong resume typically includes detailing your previous experience, noting any significant achievements you have earned, and outlining some of your major skills and qualifications," Mr. Ku continued, clicking away at a remote as each of these topics appeared as bullet points on the slideshow. "This is your opportunity to sell yourselves. Use measurable achievements that contain numbers, if possible. Statements backed up with numerical data will lend extra credence to your marketability. For instance…" Isabella stopped paying attention after that.

Just write a love letter to the person instead!

Isabella inwardly cringed at Mr. Ku's droning, but she bent over her paper with pencil in hand all the same. This may be dumb, but I just have to write what Mr. Ku and the other alien scientists think would make a good resume to get a good grade on this. If a love resume is what they want, then a love resume is what they'll get, and I do have a patch for writing resumes! You can do this, Isabella! Ignore how unromantic the principle itself is and just git'r done!

And so she began to write.

My name is Starshadow. Today I have business in the local zoo and endangered alien wildlife sanctuary. Apparently some renowned Graturnian scientist turned up here on Gleith for a visit yesterday, getting all the zoologists abuzz with studying some unusual aliens from a planet called Earth. Normally such uncomedic ventures are of little concern to me, however the Zyxuga do have some notable fiscal connections with this preserve, requiring me to make public appearances from time to time.

That having been said, comedic inspiration can strike anywhere, so I try to keep an open mind even now as I observe the high school classroom-style enclosure, watching the humans settle into their new surroundings.

"This human boy and girl have already paired off," Dr. Gulliver Cuvier was explaining to the crowd of zoologists and donors joining me during this special VIP tour. "I have been watching them extensively for the past Standard Galactic Week. I believe they are close to demonstrating more of the fascinatingly complex human courtship behaviors. Curiously, I recently learned that one of the processes in human dating is a ritual called a 'kiss,' where the male and female transfer pheromones and other chemicals orally as a stimulant preparatory to mating. If we are lucky, they might demonstrate this evocative behavior again before the Ursaid mating season begins. I am especially curious to see if their kissing behaviors will increase as the female approaches her menstruation cycle."

The raspy Graturnian really needs to inject more comedy into his speech. This is too dry. I can't be the only one thinking this, can I? No way. Everyone in the group looks like they're holding back the urge to yawn just as much as I am.

No comedy to be found here.

Wait, maybe I spoke too soon. One of my bodyguards, who had been standing back watching from across the viewing room, just had something whispered to him and has stood up to approach me. "Sir," he whispered, leaning into my ear, "one of us just apprehended someone outside. We believe he is an assassin sent to kill you."

Well, I should at least be grateful for an excuse to leave the tour early, so I let my bodyguard whisk me out to meet the assassin for questioning.

"This is him, sir." The suspect was brought before me in handcuffs and placed on his knees. "This is the assassin."

"I told you already! I'm not an as-ssss-assin!"

Diamondback looked up at me with pleading eyes. "Boss! This is just a big misunderstanding! You see, those humans are the reason I lost the drugs-ssss yesterday! It's them I'm after, I didn't even know you were here!"

Now that's interesting, the humans were the cause of the lost lemons? It really is a small galaxy. The lost lemons might be of small concern to one such as myself, but my comedy sense is starting to tingle. There might be a highly comedic explanation for this coincidence.

Diamondback was looking expectantly at me, waiting for me to say something. I have to say something funny back. Something funny. Something funny…

I whipped my cape back in a melodramatic flick of my arm, using my free hand to clutch at the side of my face, obscuring my line of sight. "I was in the middle of an important meeting, Diamondback!" I responded in a deep, booming voice. "And you dare disrupt my busy schedule for such an inconsequential reason?"

"I'm sorry, boss-ssss!" Diamondback flinched.

Flinched! Not laughed!

What part of that pretentious performance wasn't funny?!

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I didn't realize that you were working on something here! Could it be―" He stopped to look up at me with admiraition in his eyes. "Don't tell me you were already aware of the humans-ssss!?"

Diamondback jumped to an incorrect conclusion before I could say anything.

"Forgive me, boss-ssss! I should have known! After all, that's why you're the boss-ssss! Your instincts are razor sharp, your aura is terrifying yet unimpeachably cool, and you know everything that goes down in this town! I should have realized you were already chasing leads down on the Earthlings-ssss! Forgive me for acting out on my own!" Diamondback bowed his head down, looking to be on the verge of tears.

My name is Starshadow. I am the head honcho of the Zyxuga on Planet Gleith, as well as a lifelong fan of comedy, and I am he who will one day make my subordinates laugh uncontrollably.

This is another opportunity to achieve my comedic dreams. I must respond with the funniest thing I can think of.

"Ahem." I cleared my throat before continuing my pretentious act. "Very well, I will give you one more chance to prove your worth, Diamondback. You shall investigate the humans in my stead. Do not treat this mission lightly. I hope you will have something interesting to report the next time I see you. For when one dares to gaze into the abyss, the abyss stares back!" I gave my cape a final dramatic flip and partially covered my face with my other hand in an over-the-top comedic pose.

Diamondback sniffled. "I―I promise I won't let you down again, boss-ssss!"

Yet again, nobody laughed at my joke. It was supposed to be funny, guys! Don't gulp loudly like that, Diamondback! Did my act actually look scary instead?

It had been about fifteen or twenty minutes since Isabella had begun filling out her romance resume assignment when the student seated in front of her turned around to face her. "Psst!" he pssted. "New girl!"

Isabella looked up from her work. "Yes?"

Like all her classmates aside from Phineas, his appearance was basically that of an anthropomorphic bear. "Sorry, I forgot your name. I'm Dee'eeyar." Judging by the fact he was wearing a necktie as part of his school uniform, Isabella guessed he was a boy, because she certainly couldn't determine his gender from a name like that.

"It's Isabella."

"Nice to meet you, Isabella. Um, so, would you mind if you, um, peer reviewed my resume for me?" He held out his paper shyly.

"Oh, sure! Here, I guess you can do the same for me," she said, swapping sheets. Mr. Ku had mentioned they should get peer reviews half-way through class time, and the way the background noise level was starting to incrementally increase suggested others had begun sharing and discussing their work.

"Whoa," Dee'eeyar said with an impressed whistle as his eyes swept from side to side. "Yours is really good!"

She couldn't exactly say the same for his resume. She quietly furrowed her brows as she read it. After going through the important points twice, she looked up and made eye contact with her classmate.

"Yours is amazing," he repeated once more. "You have everything―leadership experience, martial arts training, technical and building skills, the list literally goes on and on…" He traced his finger down the page. "I wish mine turned out half as well as yours. So, lay it on me. Don't hold back. I'll accept any feedback you can give me."

"Well," Isabella started, looking for a way to frame it nicely. "I didn't think it was that bad. You just need to express your―sociability more." Dee'eeyar waited for her to elaborate, so she released a gentle sigh. "So one thing I noticed was right here," she pointed. "You put down that you haven't had a girlfriend before."

Dee'eeyar visibly deflated. "It's true. I am inexperienced with these things."

His timid bluntness was awkward. "Right," Isabella said. "Well, I was thinking you should consider maybe rephrasing it somehow. Or just get rid of it entirely."

"But if I get rid of it, it won't reach the length requirements."

"Isn't there something else you could put instead? What are some of your positive traits?"

"I don't know," Dee'eeyar shrugged. After a brief pause, he softly said, "I can pick my nose until it bleeds."

"Let's not write that down, either," Isabella quickly stated.

Dee'eeyar nodded with a slight grimace.

"What about this?" prodded Isabella. "It says you like the outdoors? That's something we can build off, tell me more about that."

"Oh, right." Dee'eeyar laughed nervously. "Um, I am good at climbing trees and eating their leaves."

"Why would you eat their leaves?" Isabella asked.

"Because that's our staple food. We're herbivores."

"I see." Isabella chewed on the end of her pencil. "What if we said something like this: 'Can perform vigorous outdoor exercise and work in strenuous environments.' It basically says the same thing, but makes you sound more confident and capable."

Dee'eeyar's face lit up. "You're good at this! Thank you!"

Isabella gave him a patient smile. "That's just one line. Let's use the same process to clean up and improve the rest of your resume."

"Okay!" Dee'eeyar responded enthusiastically, thrusting a paw in the air. "Let's make the best resume ever!"

"You seemed enthusiastic just now," observed Isabella, noting how different he sounded when he overcame his shyness.

"Oh, did I?" Dee'eeyar suddenly blushed, pressing the pads of his fingertips together, instantly reverting right back.

Isabella slyly cupped her hand around the side of her mouth and lowered her voice. "Do you like someone in this class?" she asked, discreetly tapping Dee'eeyar's resume sheet. "Have a girl in mind to give this to?"

The Ursain's eyes widened in shock. "N-no," he squeaked in a giveaway high-pitch. "Not p-p-particularly…"

"I'll take that as a yes," Isabella said knowingly.

Dee'eeyar slumped in his seat. "Alright, but keep this a secret, okay? Promise you won't tell anyone!"

"You can trust me, Dee'eeyar," Isabella cooed. "My lips are sealed."

"Okay. See that girl over there? No, please don't stare at her like that, or you'll give me away!"

"What's her name?"

"Deeyiyee."

Isabella didn't know how Phineas always did so well at keeping up with all these alien names. "What a―pretty name."

"Yeah," Dee'eeyar sighed, the smitten look on his face indicating he didn't catch her veiled sarcasm.

"So, have you tried talking to her?" Isabella nudged.

"Wha?" Dee'eeyar almost flinched. "No, but she probably doesn't even know I exist anyways."

"You're in the same class," observed Isabella offhandedly. "I'm pretty sure she is at least aware of your existence." She leaned in closer to whisper. "If you want, I wouldn't mind talking to her, testing the waters, you know? To see what she thinks about you."

The Ursaid's face turned red. "No, that would be embarrassing! I don't want her to know yet!"

"Hey, don't worry!" reassured Isabella. "I can be quite the wingman! Or, you know, wingwoman, as the case may be."

Dee'eeyar made a face, mulling over the proposition. "Even if you say that, I doubt she likes me back. It's probably just a waste of time."

"You never know until you ask," Isabella said pointedly. "Or look at it this way. If you are afraid to even talk to her, how do you plan on giving her your relationship resume?"

That sentence stunned Dee'eeyar, leaving him at a loss for words. "Soooomehow…?"

At that moment, their conversation was interrupted by a tapping on the glass wall, snapping Isabella's concentration. She looked up to find Captain Jabberwock grinning and wiggling his fingers at her in a wave, his first mate Andromeda standing watchfully at his side.

"That's right, girlie," Captain Jabberwock sneered, "I finally found you."

Through the glass, the girl got her boyfriend's attention with a poke, and then their mouths started moving. The boy twisted in his seat and looked Captain Jabberwock's way in shock, giving the same reaction the girl just had.

"Shall I take them, sir?" Andromeda asked, for even a reinforced glass wall was no barrier to her.

"Not yet," he responded. "It turns out this place gets most of its money under the table from the Zyxuga. I really don't want to be on the space mafia's bad side too."

"How do we play this, then?"

"The Shipper gave us an extension, so we can wait out the two days until the little lovey-dovey couple gets released back into the preserved nature district with the Ursaids," he said, turning back to face the teenagers. He held up his fingers for emphasis. "It'll be tons easier to snatch them up out of the forest when they are no longer under this sanctuary's protection. You got that, brats? You have two days before you will be mine once again!"

He saw their mouths move on the other side of the glass, but no sound came through. He raised his voice. "Did you hear me? I said, you have two days left! So enjoy your final hours of freedom before the Shipper has her way with the both of you!"

"I don't think they can hear us, sir," Andromeda boredly declared.

As Andromeda said that, the human girl bent over to write something on a slip of paper. Captain Jabberwock and Andromeda watched her for a moment, until she held it up. Nice suspenders, it read.

The Captain glanced down at his torso then glared back at the girl, who covered her mouth with her hand in order to hold back her giggles. Indeed, he was wearing suspenders, hoping that they would do a better job of supporting his trousers than his belts had so far proven capable of.

"I told you they didn't go with your jacket," Andromeda coyly chided from sidelong at him, her icy exterior nearly breaking into a glimpse of a smirk.

Captain Jabberwock growled in displeasure. "We'll be back," he said, before turning and leading the way out.

"What was that about?" Dee'eeyar asked, confused.

"Those were the space pirates who abducted us from our home planet," said Isabella.

"Why was Captain Jabberwock asking us for two sticks of gum?" Phineas wondered aloud.

"He was saying when we are released from here in two days, they were going to abduct us again," Isabella clarified, raising two of her fingers.

"Oh. That makes much more sense."

"Anyways, how's your resume looking, Phineas?"

"It's coming along. It's taking me a while to write down all my interests and skills."

"Holdupholdupholdupholdup," Dee'eeyar stammered. "You two have space pirates after you, and you casually shrug it off like that and start talking about today's homework?"

Isabella looked at Phineas, then back at the Ursaid, a little surprised herself at how calm she felt about seeing her and Phineas' kidnappers again.

"They're really not that bad once you get to know them," Phineas cheerfully chimed. "Andromeda helped us get off of planet Ya―" A shiver ran down his spine, and he couldn't finish the word. "―Off of that one planet. And Captain Jabberwock, well, he did treat us pretty well for the most part, you know, aside from the whole 'kidnapping us and trying to sell us off to some alien on the other side of the galaxy' ordeal."

Dee'eeyar listened with lifeless eyes and an inanimate expression. "You guys are so cool," he muttered, giving Isabella the impression he was awestruck to the point of feeling like an insignificant bug in their presence.

"We're really just regular people," she waved it off, trying not to isolate him. "We're no different than you. We're just a couple of people on a date, a date that went off the rails and into a canyon, and from there got caught in a river and fell down a rushing waterfall into an active volcano."

Dee'eeyar blinked, and Isabella perceived he was probably taking her literally. "Metaphorically speaking!" she clarified.

Suddenly Mr. Ku addressed the class in a loud voice. "Alright, class! If you haven't already, it's time for you to begin sharing your resumes with someone of the opposite sex, someone who for you would be a suitable mate!" He clapped his hands twice. "Chop chop!"

Isabella straightened her stack of papers by tapping them on her desk. "Well, Phineas, here you go. Here is my resume."

"Thank you, Isabella. Here's mine." They casually exchanged stacks of paper.

Dee'eeyar let out an impressed whistle. "So you really are each other's mates?" he asked.

It went dead quiet. Suddenly, everyone in the class was staring at Phineas and Isabella.

Isabella blinked, blushing. All at once, the memories of the things she saw from the lemon came flooding back. Her mouth went dry, and she found herself suddenly unable to look Phineas' way. M-mates?

Get a hold of yourself, girl! she mentally commanded. Nothing else matters right now except for convincing the teacher Phineas and I are―are―you know. If everyone thinks we have chosen each other as mates, that means they'll let us go! Might as well go along with it!

"We're not m―" Phineas began.

"Yes! Yes, we are mates!" Isabella exclaimed, cutting him off. "As proof, Phineas even already called me his girlfriend back when I got here!" She blushed harder, but swallowed and held her ground all the same. She then discovered she had even stood up from her seat when she said it.

The entire class was watching them incredulously. Finally, Mr. Ku began putting his paws together. "Well done, Phineas! Well done, Isabella! Congratulations! Many happy returns to you, and I mean that literally in the sense that I hope you have lots of offspring together." He clapped with an exuberant smile, and eventually a smattering of polite applause from their other classmates briefly joined his. Extremely embarrassed, Isabella lowered herself back into her chair.

O-o-offspring? Lots of offspring? But that would mean Phineas and I―would have to… She resisted the urge to hide her face in shame, the lemon's visions flooding to her mind.

"Now then," Mr. Ku said once he finished clapping, "is anyone else going to share their resumes? Anybody?" He looked around the room expectantly.

An awkward silence filled the room as every Ursaid held their breath. Isabella glanced at Dee'eeyar, who was hunched over in his seat, trying to avoid Mr. Ku's gaze.

"Now's your chance!" Isabella whispered, giving him a gentle nudge.

This is what transpired in Dee'eeyar's mind:

Love: a deadly game of cat and mouse, predator and prey. To navigate this battlefield, one must choose to either risk exposing all his or her deepest feelings, or keep them a dark, carefully guarded secret. To confess, or not to confess?

Not confessing means keeping the status quo. It is the safe option, the one where none of your peers find out you are in love with someone, protecting yourself from potential embarrassment or ridicule. With this option, one can safely continue to hold his or her same social status well into the foreseeable future. It is security and predictability.

Confessing, on the other hand, is full of unpredictability and uncertainty. For if the other party rejects your feelings, it is emotionally and psychologically akin to a crushing military defeat. Forcing you to accept the reality that, for whatever reason, you were unappealing to them. Whether it is your looks or personality, there is something about you they simply didn't care for. Like a laborer in an unfruitful garden, after putting so much work in cultivating your feelings and attempting to curry the other party's favor, when the time for harvesting arrives, you are left empty-handed.

Thus, to be loved by someone gives more power than to be in love with someone. The confessor is left to the whims and likes of the confessee. When both parties are willing, then the magic can happen, but if the other side is uninterested, like in war, it is often the side making the first move who is left the most exposed.

In summary, falling for someone of the opposite sex is a risky move. One that comes with many possible painful outcomes and relatively few pleasant ones. The only way to improve your odds of victory is to play the game by the unspoken rules every teenager must learn on their own through trial and error. As experience is accrued, players in the game of love slowly learn ways to gain advantages.

However, Dee'eeyar has spent most of his life as a shut-in, idling away his time playing video games and reading comic books. As a result, he has gained no such experience or learned any stratagems in the game of love. Direly aware of his downright lack of preparation, he runs a quick simulation of how the next few moments of his life might play out. Should he approach his crush, the lovely Ursaid girl Deeyiyee, with a relationship resume in hand right now, the whole class would know he liked her. The secret he had kept so guarded all this time would be out just like that, giving all his peers ample ammunition to tease him with for the rest of his high school career.

None of that would matter, of course, if she agreed to go out with him. Their classmates' teasings would come off as jealousy rather than the typical high school posturing for social status. Meanwhile, the bliss of having a girlfriend would eclipse any attempts to bring him down by teasing him about it. But how likely was Deeyiyee to reciprocate Dee'eeyar's feelings?

Put on the spot in front of the whole class, being forced to make a snap decision with all the pressures of her peers surrounding her, even if she liked him, there was a good chance she would decline anyways, for fear of the same reasons he was having this very moment. This is the wargame of love, where nothing is straightforward, the environment is unpredictable, and communications are difficult to establish and even harder to maintain.

"Are you going to give it to her or not?" Isabella whispered more urgently.

Suddenly, a girl in glasses across the room stood up and began walking Dee'eeyar's way. As she did, a couple of muffled whispers broke out across the room, an observation Isabella was not blind to. Was this the unpopular girl who got bullied for not being as pretty or fashionable as the other girls, or for not wearing as expensive of makeup?

"Um," she said shyly, extending her paper from her body without looking up from her shoes. "Dee'eeyar, um, would you please consider looking over my resume?"

Time crawled to a stop. All attention was on this new girl and Dee'eeyar, everyone waiting to see what would happen next.

"Hey, look! It's the two loners! Hah! What losers, they're perfect for each other!" Some joker jeered.

"Hush! We'll have none of that in this class!" Mr. Ku boldly roared. "This classroom is a safe space where everyone is free to express themselves. No bullying or harassment will be tolerated!"

Silence quickly returned, but the damage had already been done, and to Isabella, Dee'eeyar looked somewhat hurt by that comment.

"Uh," he stalled. "Um… Deeayess, no offense, but um―you're not very, uh, not quite my ty―ow!"

Isabella stealthily kicked his leg underneath the table.

"What I mean is, well," he said, reassessing when he saw the stern look she was giving him, "I-I'll look over your resume, but I, um―just don't expect too much."

This unpopular girl, Deeayess, looked pretty upset herself. "Okay," she nodded, before making her way back to her seat. "Thanks." Her glasses reflected light at just the right angle to mask her face, yet Isabella could see the poor girl had the look of one holding back tears.

"Dee'eeyar and Deeayess, sitting in a tree," mocked one of the other students, getting a round of laughs from some of his friends. "K-I-S-S-I-N―"

"Mr. Teeachie!" Mr. Ku came down frighteningly hard on the delinquent, baring his fangs for the first time all hour. "There will be none of that in this classroom! Now go stand out in the hallway with a bucket of water!"

"Awww…" The offending party obediently stood up to accept his punishment, leaving the room with a few final snickers in his wake.

Mr. Ku straightened his glasses and took a deep breath. "Class, that kind of behavior is unacceptable! I am very sorry, Ms. Deeayess, for Mr. Teeachie's outburst. You did a very brave thing just now, and I am proud of you." He leaned over his elbows on the podium, running his paws over his face and scalp while sighing once more. "Let's end class a few minutes early today," he said in a distressed voice, but the bell rang anyways, and immediately the room erupted in the hustle and bustle to get to the next class.

Rather than gather her things, Isabella jumped up to go try to comfort the unpopular girl, Deeayess. "Hey, your name was―Deeayess, wasn't it?" she asked, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. This class really needs some nametags. "Are you okay?"

The girl still looked like she was holding back tears, but she nodded without looking up.

"Are you sure?" Isabella tried again.

Deeayess' shoulders shuddered through Isabella's touch. "Why am I ugly?" she finally whimpered.

"Hey! You are not ugly!" Isabella bent down and put her arm around the poor girl's shoulders. "You hear me? You are not ugly!"

"Yes I am! You saw what happened, people don't like me!" She broke into a sob.

Isabella cautiously stooped closer, trying to lift the girl's chin. "Hey, I'm new, so I haven't made many friends yet here either. Do you want to be friends with me?"

Deeayess froze, for only she now looked Isabella in the eye for the first time. "Um," she said, looking away again, "th-that's okay. I-I j-just need a lemon right now." With that, she got up and quickly left the room.

At the mention of the word 'lemon,' Isabella's heart rate spiked. She glanced around to make sure nobody noticed, and took a deep breath, trying to control her feelings. Don't think about lemons! I need to distract myself with something! Most of the class had vacated the room by that point. Phineas was waiting by the door, holding her stuff. Mr. Ku was slumped over at his desk, looking forlorn.

She decided to approach the teacher first, as she still didn't want to be around Phineas until she could get her thoughts back under control. "Hey, Mr. Ku, what'cha doin'? You don't look so well."

Mr. Ku perked up. "Ah, Isabella, don't worry about me, I'm doing just fine."

"That's not what your body language says. Do you want to talk about it?"

He looked her over from the top rim of his glasses. "Well, it's just that there's less than two days until the mating season begins. Most years, at least a couple of students usually start pairing off as the time approaches. But for some reason, this class is particularly obstinate towards showing interest in the opposite sex. Today as I walked around, checking everyone's assignment progress, the vast majority of the class wasn't even trying to build a good resume. This class has struggled all semester. I just don't know what to do about it! I can't find a way to get the students to take this class seriously!"

"Forgive me if I am speaking out of place," Isabella said, "after all, I don't know anything about your species' biology. But I do know that you can't force these things to happen. It has to be natural. Don't you think this whole thing, setting up this huge system just to force everyone into relationships like this, isn't it a bit much?"

"No, no I don't," Mr. Ku immediately answered, flatly.

"Wow, okay. You have stronger convictions about that than I thought."

"Listen, Isabella," Mr. Ku said, "this system has never had problems like this before. There has to be some sort of outside influence that is causing this generation to act like this. It's like, I don't know, like something is delaying their maturity, somehow. Not physically, just mentally―or actually, socially. Yes, that's it, their social maturity is being stymied by something. But what?"

Mr. Ku looked off into the distance pensively. "Well, at least you two are figuring it out. It must be tough being the only two humans on Gleith. You don't get much of a choice in the matter, do you? How fortunate that you get along naturally!" He smiled at her and Phineas, who was now the only other person still in the classroom. "Say, you two had better hurry if you don't want to be late for your next class!"

"Oh, right!" Isabella said. "Um, where is our next class, exactly?"

My name is Starshadow. As the boss of the Zyxuga, I often get visits from some of my contemporaries in other illicit professions of the criminal underworld, and today, my visitor happens to be the infamous space pirate, Captain Jabberwock.

"Thanks for seeing me, Starshadow," he was saying.

His fly is down.

"I know you are a busy man, so I'll make this short…"

He totally hasn't noticed. Ah, this is embarrassing! I can't pay attention to what he's saying! I should tell him, but I don't want to make him look bad in front of his first mate. I wouldn't want something like that pointed out to me in front of one of my subordinates. This is a sensitive issue, so I should handle it discreetly.

"Before we discuss your business, Captain, you look pretty worn out. Would you like a minute to go splash some water on your face? A break in the restroom looks like it would do you good."

He nervously looked down at his pants, like he was checking something. Did he notice? "You know," he said with a slight crack to his voice, "things have been rough for me lately. I think I'll take you up on that offer! I'll be right back, Andromeda."

He noticed, right? He definitely noticed! The way he looked down at his pants like that, then gave a nervous response―yes! He must have taken the hint. Things should go smoothly now.

After a minute, there was a flushing sound, then the noise of running water as Captain Jabberwock washed his hands. When the water turned off, he promptly came out of the bathroom drying them on a paper towel.

His fly is still down! He didn't fix it! Actually, he used the toilet, then forgot to zip it back up a second time when he was finished!

"Ah, that's much better. So as I was saying, I need a permit and fake ID's for me and my first mate to access the forest preserve district the day after tomorrow, when they release this year's class of Ursaids from that endangered species sanctuary…"

I'm so distracted! I can't pay attention to what he's saying at all! Something about needing access? If anything, it's your zipper that already has too much access!

Luckily, this room has a large mirror. If I can just get him to look at it, that will fix everything.

"Here," I said, standing up and dragging the mirror into the center of the room. "Look closely at this for a moment." I turned away as if to look out a window at the scenery, giving him a chance to fix his wardrobe malfunction with his dignity intact.

He quietly stared at his reflection for several seconds. Has it been enough time for him to notice?

"Oh, whoops!" he muttered, almost under his breath. There was a soft rustling, like the brushing of fabric, but I continued to look out the window, giving him his privacy.

Judging by the zipping noise I just heard, it sounds like he has corrected the mistake at last. Finally.

I turned around, ready to move past this fiasco and get down to the nitty-gritty of our visit and his fly is still down!

What the? How? What did I hear him zipping just now if it wasn't his pants?! He's just flexing at himself, admiring his muscles, totally missing the fact that his fly is still down!

"What's this about, with the mirror?" he asked offhandedly. "Am I supposed to be noticing something?"

"Nevermind," I sighed. "I just wanted to show it off. It's a new mirror."

"Ah! It's nice. Really goes well with the interior of this office. Right Andromeda?"

The Yandarian half-nodded.

"So anyways, about those access passes?" Captain Jabberwock turned away from the mirror to face me, and in doing so, a loose thread from his shirt somehow snagged on one of the mirror's hinges. He began to pace across the room, unraveling the thread with each step. The Captain's shirt started disappearing inch by inch from the bottom up, all without his noticing.

"You see, I'm in the middle of a job, and my client wants two of the aliens. They aren't Ursaids though, they're humans, and somehow they ended up in that zoo there."

Already, the lower half of his torso was showing, and he still didn't realize it. The Yandarian noticed, however; for the first time since arriving, her pokerface briefly lifted, her eyebrows jumping up appreciably. So fast I almost couldn't see it, she quickly drew her sword and sliced off the thread then sheathed it again all in one smooth motion, as she probably hoped I hadn't seen either.

Now Captain Jabberwock's fly is down AND he is missing half a shirt!

"So we just need access to the location where the class will be released. Our client has no interest in the Ursains, we won't bother them. We just want to capture the humans," Captain Jabberwock finished.

This is past the point of no return. At some point after the meeting, the Captain is going to realize his fly was down, and when he does, he could still reasonably assume I never noticed. But this? There's no way he'll believe I never noticed his shirt came halfway undone! I have to say something about it now. "Shoot, looks like my mirror did a number on that shirt, my bad. I shouldn't have pulled it out!" I made a fuss of pushing the mirror back against the wall.

"What the!? I didn't even notice! How'd this happen?" Captain Jabberwock was looking himself over, inspecting the long strand of thread that was laying on the ground, and occasionally giving his first mate a confused look. "Skizzard snicks, my pants are still on!" he ended with, looking relieved.

Why are you relieved? You still haven't fixed your zipper!

"Don't worry about the shirt," he added. "This actually happens to me all the time."

The shirt isn't what I'm most worried about!

"Well, getting you those access passes shouldn't be a problem," I said, deciding to keep skirting the issue. "It's the least I could do after causing your wardrobe malfunction."

"Eh, it's fine. The important thing is that the suspenders did their job!" He cast a brief gloat at Andromeda, whose frosty expression sharpened. I can only guess there's some inside joke going on between them. "That's right, these suspenders right here, the ones you made fun of me for wearing? What did you say? They make me look like an old man? Well who's laughing now?" He pulled on the straps and released them so they snapped loudly against his chest.

At that motion, the left suspender strap button popped off and flew through the air, bounced off the wall, and ricocheted back to collide with the right suspender strap button, knocking it off as well. Inexplicably, both metal clips fell apart, and just like that, the suspenders broke.

Captain Jabberwock's pants collapsed to his ankles, leaving his underwear exposed.

A beat.

Two beats.

Three.

"Captain," Andromeda said, opening her mouth for the first time, "even before your suspenders broke, you also left your fly down, sir."

She knew the whole time!? I should have just told him flat out after all!

"It was?!" Captain Jabberwock reacted defensively, hurrying to pull his trousers back up. "When were you planning to tell me?"

My name is Starshadow. Having wrapped up our business, Captain Jabberwock and his first mate Andromeda quickly made their exit, leaving me to clean up the mess they left in my office.

Come to think of it, I got so distracted by that whole zipper incident that I forgot to tell them any of my jokes.

It turned out their next class was PE. "Exposure to the physical fitness of members of the opposite sex is an important factor in allocating a mate," Mr. Ku had said, "and elevating one's own fitness level is equally vital for attracting one. PE is the perfect class for students to look for potential partners!"

In any case, Isabella now found herself in the girl's locker room, searching for the locker she had been assigned to.

"Three-three-one, three-three-two, three-three-three," she read, stepping up the row one locker at a time. "And here we are. Pardon me, looks like I'm at this one."

An alien girl with cotton candy blue cat ears, mane, and tail was adjusting the fit of her eyepatch over her left eye while she was changing. "Hi, hello there, meow! Sorry about the mess!" She slid her pile of gym clothes to the side to make some room. She took in Isabella's appearance, and Isabella thought she caught a funny look. "Oh, you're―I mean, what class are you in? My-eow name's Madam. Madam East. I'm in Class 1-B."

"I'm Isabella. From Class 1-A, I think. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meow-t you too! Today's my first day here. I look forward to having PE together!"

"Really?" responded Isabella as she started undressing. "Today's my first day too."

"No way! Want to be partners? I mean, for if they have us buddy up for some of the exercises?"

"Sure!" Isabella said with a smile. This girl seemed really nice, for once. Based on her first impression alone, she might have been the most normal person Isabella had met since getting abducted, barring Abdiel back on Keturah.

Some movement in the corner of her eye caught Isabella's attention, and she turned and saw the girl Dee'eeyar liked changing a few lockers down. "Can you excuse me for just one second?" Isabella asked, before moving her way.

"Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?" she said, getting―what was that strange name she had again?―Deeyiyee's attention.

"Oh, it's you," Deeyiyee said with a bored expression. "What do you want?"

Having gotten this far, Isabella now realized she didn't have a plan of attack as Dee'eeyar's wingman. She stammered, "Um, well, I was just wondering―"

It was too soon to straight up ask her what she thought about Dee'eeyar, and she had also promised not to tell anyone about his crush. She needed to build up some trust first, get to know her. So she settled with, "Well, I know I'm new and everything, and maybe I'm just reading too much into this. But was there something kind of strange about Mr. Ku's class to you?"

Deeyiyee paused for a half-second to think. "I didn't notice anything," she expressed.

"I see," Isabella said.

Then a wide smirk crossed Deeyiyee's face. "But then again, I was high ay-eff for half the class, so I missed just about everything that was going on for a while there!" She let out a self-satisfied laugh.

"Eh?" Isabella's mind started racing again. Was she referring to lemons?

Madam suddenly jumped into the conversation, looking very interested in the topic as well. "Did you take a lemon?" she asked, lowering her voice.

Deeyiyee nodded, grinning mischievously. "I have a few more slices left. You guys want some?" She extracted a small white baggie from her handbag and, unraveling a few paper wraps, revealed a half dozen small slices inside.

Madam picked one of the slices and held it up, inspecting it. "So these are what lemons look like up close," she pondered aloud.

"What about you?" Deeyiyee swiveled the lemons Isabella's way. "Want some?"

"I―uh," squeaked Isabella, taking half a step back. Embarrassing naughty thoughts of Phineas ran through her mind again.

"Don't tell me you've never had a lemon before!" Deeyiyee thrust a slice into Isabella's palm. "You gotta try this! It's incredible! You too!" she added in Madam's direction. "My treat! Trust me, it'll make the rest of the day go by in a snap!"

Isabella stared at the lemon slice in her cupped hand, feeling more conflicted about this than about any other decision she had ever made in her life. The lemon tempted her sorely. She was bursting with curiosity to find out what pleasures a full dose would imbue her. That was what also made her so cautious.

"Are there any dangerous side effects?" she asked tentatively.

Deeyiyee put up her arms in a carefree shrug. "Who knows? Maybe. Having a lemon or two makes me feel like I can release my pent up urges more easily, I guess. I don't even care about boys anymore. Who needs them?" She leaned in closer and cupped her hand around the side of her mouth. "It's probably best not to let the teachers know about this though. So keep this our little secret."

Madam and Deeyiyee were watching Isabella, waiting to see her try the lemon. Isabella swallowed. Taking it would probably help her get closer to Deeyiyee, like she promised Dee'eeyar she would. The excitement of trying it was giving her butterflies. But her conscience kept telling her it was wrong. Madam looked like she wasn't all in on taking a lemon, either.

She had to make a choice. She made eye contact with Madam one last time. If I do this, I'll probably get into real bad trouble, she felt a voice say inside her.

Reisting the temptation with all her might, Isabella pushed the drug away. "I think," she said, giving Deeyiyee back the lemon slice, "doing this isn't for me." At least, not while anyone else is watching. She felt ashamed the moment she thought that sentence, but hid the pain with a smile. If I was alone, I don't know if I would have the strength to do this.

"I can't take one either," Madam said, following Isabella's example.

"More for me!" Deeyiyee said, taking them back.

"Don't misunderstand," Madam added. "I just don't want to be in your debt. I can't take one without paying. But, I am interested in where you get them."

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Deeyiyee gave Madam a hearty slap on the back, and they both laughed. "The guy you need to talk to is―"

Crash!

"Aaaaahhhhh!" The women's locker room erupted in screams.

Isabella twisted around to see the cause of the ruckus. Amid a cloud of dust, a ceiling tile was lying broken on the floor. And on top of the debris, a monkey-like alien slowly got to his feet, holding one hand up to his face to control his nosebleed.

"D***, there are some hot babes in here!" he said, unable to contain himself as he took in the sights of all the girls in varying states of nakedness.

"Eeeek! A peeping Tom!" All the girls quickly grabbed towels or anything else within reach to cover themselves.

"Chip!" Madam hollered angrily. "What are you doing here?"

"Having the best day of my life!" Chip Grayson declared remorselessly.

"You know him?" one of the girls asked. "Who is he?"

"He's―my cousin, who has unexpectedly started on a perverted streak lately," Madam said, embarrassed.

"Die, maggot!"

"Go die in a hole, you useless piece of industrial waste!"

"Disgusting, filthy degenerate!"

"Death to perverts!"

All as one, a mass of girls overtook him with violent intent, and the last thing Isabella saw was the offender getting cartoonishly punched through the ceiling into the sky accompanied by a slapstick sound effect.

In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 10: When Life Gives You Lemons, Don't Write A Fanfiction With Them!

Preview

"Dee'eeyar, all you have to do is walk up to Deeyiyee and start flirting with her. It's that simple. Just go!"

"Um, okay, here goes. D-Deeyiyee, um, my name is Dee'eeyar. I-I'm―I am here to flirt with you! How was that, Isabella?"

"That―was good. Now, Deeyiyee, just pretend like I'm not here, and flirt back with him!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"No, don't maniacally laugh at him like you're some evil scientist! Bring the laugh down a couple notches. Then initiate a bit of physical contact with him, like maybe a playful nudge."

"PLAYFUL NUDGE!"

"Ouch!"

"No, I didn't mean to punch him! Here, watch how I do it! Ahahaha! You're so funny! Nudge…"

"It wasn't funny, though. So why would I laugh in the first place?"

"The point isn't whether or not it's funny. The point is to―oh, Dee'eeyar, don't feel bad, she wasn't trying to single you out. That's not how she meant it! Wait, Dee'eeyar, come back! Don't run away!"

Next time on Lovetopia: What, Did You Think A Girlfriend Was Just Gonna Fall Out Of The Sky?

Fan's Notes: Character Bios

Dee'eeyar
Homeworld: Gleith
Species: Ursain (Male)
Ht: 6'2"/1.88 m. Wt: 225 lbs./102.1 kg. Age: 9 Wyeeyayars/6 Earth years. Eye color: Light brown
Student in Class 1-A at Endangered Species High School. Possesses weak social skills, but has a crush on his classmate, Deeyiyee. Likes video games and comic books.

Deeyiyee
Homeworld: Gleith
Species: Ursain (Female)
Ht: 5'10"/1.78 m. Wt: 216 lbs./98.0 kg. Age: 9 Wyeeyayars/6 Earth years. Eye color: Dark brown
Class representative for Class 1-A. Due to her lemon addiction, she has no interest in any real life romantic relationships. Likes lemons, and more lemons.

Deeayess
Homeworld: Gleith
Species: Ursain (Female)
Ht: 5'7"/1.70 m. Wt: 208 lbs./94.3 kg. Age: 9 Wyeeyayars/6 Earth years. Eye color: Golden brown
Another student in Class 1-A. Is often bullied at school because of her appearance. As a result, she struggles to make friends. Likes drawing and watching sunsets.

Starshadow (Acheeadee Achowencieachoh)
Homeworld: Gleith-Korvfebt
Species: Janicorprus Radulatrodii (Male)
Ht: 5'6"/1.68 m. Wt: 172 lbs./78.0 kg. Age: 57.6 Wyeeyayars/38 Earth years. Eye color: Silvery blue
The head honcho of the Zyxuga, the space mafia on Gleith. Thinks his "dorky middle schooler"-ish mannerisms and way of speaking are comedic, but his subordinates always misinterpret them as being charismatic, cool, intimidating, or scary. Likes comedy.