CHAPTER 1: ELEVEN

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay? If I'm moving too fast. I'm just trying to navigate our cultural differences here okay? You're in the driver's seat. You wanna just kiss? We can just kiss."

"No. That's not all I want."

Shani pressed Nicky against the wall, making it clear that she wanted to be in the driver's seat in another sense of the phrase beyond giving consent. Nicky tried slipping her fingers under Shani's apron but she pushed them aside. Shani pulled Nicky's pants down and grazed her fingers lightly over the top of Nicky's underwear. Nicky pulled back and moved her hand away.

"Mmm. It's lovely, but, uh quid pro quo."

Shani knelt, ready to go down on her, but Nicky panicked.

"Okay, okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait. That's very nice, but I'm a giver."

Saying she was a 'giver' was putting it one way. Yes, Nicky did in fact like to please women and got pleasure from collecting orgasms as she phrased it. But when it came to her own satisfaction, Nicky was not into receiving unless she was in charge. Sure, Nicky liked to come too. But she preferred it to be on her terms. For the times that she didn't just take care of it herself, she was content sitting on a willing girl's face or grinding her pussy to another or even to a thigh. That was enough to get her off and she could stay in control.

Shani ignored her and pinned her arms so that Nicky lost her power.

"Okay. You know what they say, two tops don't make a right."

Nicky chuckled at her own words. Yeah, she was a top all right. It had been a long time since Nicky had let a girl just have her way with her. For one thing, her conquests in prison didn't always express interest in returning the favor. And for another, Nicky just didn't like letting her guard down. The only times she had been willing to submit in the past were when she was high.

But here in the prison freezer with Shani's tongue against her clit, and her fingers swiping nearer her entrance, Nicky was far from high and she had never felt so uncomfortable with her physique. She felt hyper-aware of every imagined flaw and was trembling with self-consciousness. As Shani sucked her clit harder and began inserting her fingers, Nicky felt herself losing face and asked her to stop. Nicky desperately feared any expressions or sounds she might emit that would give away her vulnerability.

"Okay. Okay, okay, uh... okay I'm gonna pass out, so… okay you have to stop. I'm gonna die."

Shani obeyed Nicky's request and stopped stroking. She resurfaced from under Nicky's apron, blinking at her expectantly. Nicky hesitantly looked her in the eye. Shani looked almost vulnerable too, and so open, and warm.

"You are not going to die. You trust me?"

Nicky nodded reluctantly. It was about time for Nicky to let someone into her heart, and from their time spent in the ICE kitchen together she knew Shani was a good person. This time when Shani resumed contact Nicky inhaled deeply and exhaled heavily. She instructed her mind to focus solely on the sensations below and for the first time in her sober life, Nicky let someone else make her feel good. Moans escaped her unwittingly as she finally let go. Nicky threw her head back, buckling at the knees and seeing stars.

It was a rare day when Nicky Nichols turned down sex, especially considering the sex with Shani had been so good, but the memory of Red trembling in the cold had completely ruined the freezer for her. Especially now that she had called Luda and discovered that Shani's observations about Red's mental state were, in fact, completely accurate, Nicky needed a distraction desperately and wished she hadn't turned down Shani's offer earlier. At least if she had a new memory to focus on she could maybe think about something else.

So she resorted to her phone, but scrolling through Facebook was giving Nicky a headache. Perhaps it was inspired by Shani's own revelation of jealous feelings ("You have a girlfriend?") when Nicky tucked Red's letter down her scrub top, but Nicky found herself curious about Shani's relationships too.

"What are you doing Nichols? You're spending more time on your phone than me and that's saying something."

Lorna's accusation was a welcome interruption.

"You don't wanna know."

Lorna sat next to her and tried to pry her phone out of her hands.

"Lorna! Cut it out, I mean it!"

Despite Nicky's efforts to thwart her, Lorna seized her phone anyway.

"Oh, I should have known! Nicky Nichols, enameled by the enemy."

Lorna clicked her tongue and shook her head, passing the phone back to Nicky.

"She's not the enemy! And you mean enamored, not enameled. She's sweet, and she actually likes me which is more than I can say for anyone else in this godforsaken place."

Lorna softened and tucked a curl behind Nicky's ear before resting her head on her shoulder.

"I like you."

"Yeah, well, that's different isn't it. You're married now, remember? And I'm quoting you here, kid."

"Yeah I know. I guess I just don't want you to get into any trouble. How do you know she likes you and isn't just using you to get her green card huh?"

Nicky rolled her eyes. "You really think I'm that bad of a judge of character huh? This coming from the one who married her prison penpal, you know you're not exactly a good standard to measure by."

"Uh, rude!"

"I'm sorry, all right, I didn't mean it. I just know she likes me. She told me today even – uh, I forgot to look it up. What does 'ahd eshr' mean again eh?"

"Gesundheit!" Lorna giggled.

"Yeah yeah, that's what the internet is for right?"

("Put it on a scale. Like, uh, one to ten. How into me are you?" "Ahd eshr.")

Nicky typed Shani's whisper into Google translate, savoring the memory from earlier that day. Luckily her guess was spot on, as the Arabic word sounded pretty similar to the Hebrew one.

"Eleven," Nicky beamed, surprised and flattered despite her usual air of confidence. She smiled to herself and even Lorna could tell she was pleased.

"What?" Lorna asked absent-mindedly.

"Nothing, nothing…"

But as Nicky listened to Lorna start chattering about formula brands, she thought to herself that eleven wasn't nothing at all. Eleven.

Handling rejection was not one of Nicky's strong suits. Despite Shani's supposed interest in her, she sure wasn't acting like it lately. Between her recent rebuffs and Red cutting her out for her 'betrayal' with Luda, Nicky felt completely dejected these days. She thought about seeking Lorna's company, but even Lorna didn't want to spend time with her lately. The last time they spoke Lorna had accused her of not noticing Red's condition because she was too busy trying to conquer Egypt. That one stung.

Prison was lonely enough without her family mad at her and Shani avoiding her. Nicky knew from her last time in MAX, she had to make the most of the time she wasn't trapped in her cell or she would just end up using again, if not dead.

Nicky knew what she had to do when these thoughts overcame her. She had betrayed her mother. Lorna didn't love her. Shani didn't want her. She was useless. She walked the dreaded path from her cube to her destination. She hated when it came to this, but it was all she knew. Drugs were her only escape from the overwhelming thoughts of self-hate in her mind, so she really had no choice.

"Nichols." A familiar voice greeted her. "What a surprise. It's been awhile."

"Yeah, well, you know me," Nicky mumbled, embarrassed. "Can't stay away."

"You know you're always welcome."

Nicky nodded and took a seat at the last open table in the rec room.

"Okay, so, who would like to share next?" the counselor asked.

Nicky took a deep breath and listened to a fellow inmate lament her days long gone of doing meth. She took in her each word and of every inmate to follow as though it were scripture, and she chanted the serenity prayer with sincerity upon closing. She wanted nothing more than to work the program and keep herself clean. She had to keep it together so she could be there for Red when the time came. She had to.

"Nichols… what are you doing back here? Thought you shook the itch for good."

"I could say the same for you, Vause."

Alex walked the prison halls with Nicky in the direction of D-block even though she would have to circle back to her own dorm soon enough.

"Yeah, well. I guess you never know when you need a reminder."

Nicky couldn't agree more. "How's married life?"

Alex pursed her lips and shook her head lightly.

"Turns out being prison married isn't all that great when you're not both in prison."

"Sounds about right. I'm sorry, Vause."

They reached the gate to D-block and an officer instantly noticed Alex. She stuck out in her navy scrubs amongst all the khaki.

"Inmate! I mean, Ms. Vause. You're outta bounds. Back to C-block."

Alex grimaced and poked Nicky with her elbow as if to say good-bye. As soon as Nicky entered her cube Lorna ambushed her.

"Where the fuck have you been? They want us down at ICE, now! A delivery came early or something and we gotta deal with it. We're waiting for you! And we gotta go fast because I wanna make it to visitation all right? Hurry up!"

"Jesus, relax, all right. How was I even supposed to know? It's fine, I'm coming."

They hustled to the van, where the rest of the crew waited to travel to the ICE detention center. Lorna kept pestering Nicky, asking her where she had been earlier.

"Lorna, it's nothing! I was just at AA, okay? What's with the third degree?"

"Why were you at AA? You know if you feel like using you just gotta talk to me or to Red—"

Lorna fell silent.

"Yeah you two haven't exactly been keen to listen to my problems lately."

Lorna didn't deny it so Nicky just looked out the window. At least once they got to ICE Nicky could maybe find out what she did to upset Shani. After all, she genuinely seemed to like her just the other day. Maybe Nicky could charm her way up to an eleven once more.

"Fuck, you have great tits."

Nicky marveled at the only part of Shani's body she was supposed to touch right now. They were at the point in Nicky's g-spot-colonizing mission where Shani didn't flinch at her every touch down there, but they had made no break-throughs on the orgasm front. Nicky was getting frustrated with herself and Shani really needed a break, so they had agreed to hang out on second base for a while.

"Mmm, so do you."

Nicky scoffed and looked away.

"Not that you let me really enjoy them. I want to see you, please?"

It was Nicky's idea to keep the waist down closed for her as well until they made more progress with Shani. But, as with to most of Nicky's ideas, she didn't fully think this one through. While Nicky absolutely did love the feel of girls touching her boobs, she preferred to stay covered up. She usually kept her t-shirt on for sex, or her towel wrapped around her if they were in the shower, but with all the focus on her boobs today her discomfort with displaying her chest had become glaringly apparent.

"Nah, c'mon, let's just focus on you right now."

Kindly, Shani moved Nicky's hands into her own and met her eyes.

"Why? Because of your scar? I have felt it already. I don't care. And, that is unfair. I let you see all of me."

Nicky bit her lip. She had a point there; Shani had far more scars and they came from places of much deeper trauma. But it wasn't just the scar. Even before Nicky's heart surgery she felt too self-conscious to expose her chest most of the time. Unless, of course, she was too high to bother feeling shy, but she really didn't give a shit about anything at all when she was high.

Shaking her head, Nicky half pursed her lips and half smiled.

"I'm too shy."

Shani sighed but didn't push the matter.

"Okay, then can I…" Shani trailed off and moved her hand under the waistband of Nicky's underwear, but Nicky stopped her.

"Nicky, why? I feel like we are in high school. It is bad enough living in prison with all the rumors and fighting, why must our sex life mirror high school too? Let me please you."

Stubbornly, Nicky shook her head again.

"No! I already told you. Quid pro quo."

"I am not familiar with this American phrase, 'quid pro quo' as you say."

Nicky smiled. "It's Latin. You know, it's about fair exchange. Tit for tat."

Shani raised her eyebrows and resumed her ministrations under Nicky's shirt, winking at her and saying, "You mean tit for tit."

"Now you've got it," Nicky laughed and kissed her full on the mouth.

Note: It's looking like it'll be at least a couple months before I have the rest of this story ready to post. I'll try to publish a new chapter weekly but no promises! Thanks for reading and please tell me what you thought :)