Hi everyone, thanks for reading and reviewing. I'm holding off on reading and responding to reviews until all the chapters are posted.
January 5, 1992
Cold, so cold. The bitter northern winter couldn't hold a candle to the bitterness in the core of Angela's soul. It was late, it was dark; back home, if one could even call at that at this point, the family members went to their respective retreats quickly. Spurring all of them on were the Christmas decorations still adorning the living room. Their presence now seemed to be mocking them after all that had happened in Florida. How had every thing that had been so right then, gone so wrong?
Angela shut the door to her home office and sat behind the desk. She took out a new calendar, and opened it to May. Then she took out a pen, and starting with May 16th, she began a countdown. One, two, three, four; the numbers kept reaching higher and higher until she stopped at the current day. Now she knew exactly how long it would be until Tony's graduation. What she didn't know was how long he would remain in her employ; and in her house. It was a dilemma to her; part of her wanted him to go away, but there was still a presence in her heart that wanted him to stay, no matter how much she tried to eliminate the feeling.
Angela's old desk calendar had a reminder on it, her appointment tomorrow with Dr. Bellows. She had mixed feelings about this also. She wanted to quit going to therapy completely, but even her powers of denial couldn't keep away the knowledge that she had to go. What she didn't know was that everyone else's calendar had an appointment with Dr. Bellows for the day after.
Angela went to bed restless that night, she didn't sleep well, waking up several times, and angrier every time she woke up. It was bad enough that her daytime hours were difficult, being betrayed by sleep only added to her feeling of hopelessness. No amount of fussing with the sheets or punching the pillow helped her get back to sleep. Eventually she gave up and got dressed early. Not really having much else to do, and knowing that there must be much to do at the office, she left a note on the kitchen table and headed in to work. When Tony came back from his run, he crushed the note in frustration and wished his appointment with Dr. Bellows was for today.
As classes for his final semester hadn't started yet, Tony spent the day taking down all the Christmas decorations. Never before had decorations been so vehemently packed. The only ornament he was careful with was the crystal heart. Breaking it would have been a metaphor he didn't want to think about. So back it went into its satin lined box. When Tony put the top on, he swore he heard the sound of a jail cell being slammed in his head. Was that their life now? Shut away as if in solitary confinement? He shook the thought from his mind and concentrated on clean up and laundry. A trip to the grocery store later in the day did wonders for his well being.
When everyone else arrived at the office, they greeted Angela happily. The Monday morning meeting was long, and questions about Angela's vacation were short. One look from Mona stopped questions about the vacation immediately. Mona's mood was definitely suited to a Monday. First, she was miffed that Angela had run out of the house so early this morning. Second, she wasn't happy with Angela's attitude. Third, she wished her own appointment with Dr. Bellows was for today instead of tomorrow. She was relieved when Angela left for the day.
Angela kept her appointment, she sat in Dr. Bellows' outer office, a mix of relief and anxiety. Relief at seeing the doctor, but worried about any and all topics that might be discussed, she knew she had to confront her behavior over the vacation and she simply did not feel up to it. There was too much that she just wanted to box up and push into a corner of the attic of her mind. After entering the inner office, she took her seat, situating herself all the way against the back of the couch as if surrounding herself with it would somehow protect her.
"It's good to see you, Angela."
"Thanks…it's...thanks."
And with that Dr. Bellows knew there would be much to discuss; and if she waited for Angela to start talking, she might be waiting until the millennium. "How was Florida?" So much to unpack, but also easy to evade as Angela might start babbling about the weather.
"It was...okay."
Dr. Bellows gave her an expectant look.
Angela sighed, deeply, "I tried, really, I did. Christmas was...wonderful. I was jolly, everyone else was happy and laughing. Lovely gifts were exchanged…" Angela winced when a vision of certain crystal ornament danced through her head. She went silent for a while. Dr. Bellows noticed this and waited for Angela to continue, when she didn't she prodded, "what about the gifts, Angela?"
"What?"
Dr. Bellows had at least succeeded in bringing Angela back to the room.
"The gifts, you said they were lovely."
Evasive Angela was back, "yes, they were, but Christmas is over, and with it goes the festive spirit. So, here we are with a whole new year to...enjoy." That last word dripped with so much sarcasm that if it had been a leaking pipe Dr. Bellows' office would currently be flooded. Dr. Bellows noted the word and the inflection. Angela seemed to think that was the final word as she had again gone quiet.
Dr. Bellows kept silent watch on Angela, who would not meet her in the eye.
"I'm losing her, too," Angela eventually whispered.
"Who?"
"Sam. Having her around brought back so much joy. But now she's gone...out of the house...out of my life. She'll have no reason to visit after her father leaves." Angela was unfocused, her face a study in sorrow.
"Angela, look at me."
She complied.
"You are getting ahead of yourself. You don't know what your relationship with Sam will be like in the future, the two of you will create it when the time comes."
"Right," Angela said, not really believing it. In her mind Sam was now just as gone as Tony.
"What happened over vacation?" Dr. Bellows would not be swayed by Angela's attempt at distraction.
Angela turned her head away again. Another heavy sigh. Dr. Bellows again waited.
"Started great; ended...not so great."
More quiet.
"I failed them, I failed everyone."
"How?"
"I just did. I tried to apologize, but everyone pretended everything was ok. I might have been able to accept their platitudes, but...Tony, even Tony went along with it. He said everything was all right."
"You didn't believe him?"
"No. He was only trying to gloss over the...event. I was drunk, what I said...I...it was…," she shook her head in shameful remembrance. The introduction of alcohol into Angela's current state of being was not a welcome revelation to Dr. Bellows. Her concern skyrocketed.
"What did you say?"
"I don't even know that it was one thing; it was more the way I treated him. I was rude...and mean. He was trying to help me and…," she threw her hands up in defeat.
"Angela, you and Tony have always had open lines of communication. You've cut those lines."
"I don't know how to reopen them, I don't know how to talk to him anymore."
"How about we make an appointment for you and Tony."
Angela pushed herself even farther back into the couch.
Dr. Bellows was not surprised by this reaction, but at least she could now introduce what might be a more comfortable situation for her patient. "Angela, what you are going through now, is not something you need to express to me, you've made choices that affect your family, and your family are the people who need to be here. I suggest making an appointment with everyone."
"They can make an appointment if they want," Angela balked in blindsided desperation.
"Everyone, Angela. You, Tony, your mother, the kids."
"Everyone?"
Dr. Bellows nodded.
Angela somehow slumped even farther into the couch. "I…" Angela's thoughts did somersaults. The first thought of, "No!" flipped over to, "well, maybe", which flipped to, "it might be for the best, it would be a safe space, and the doctor would be here."
Dr. Bellows watched all of this play on Angela's face. "Angela," she gently prodded.
"You do have more to atone for," was Angela's deciding thought. She didn't like the decision, and wished she could do anything to avoid it, but with another sigh, Angela closed her eyes and nodded.
Dr. Bellows was inwardly amazed that Angela agreed so quickly. She thought it would be weeks, if ever, to get Angela and her family here together.
"I have a space tomorrow, if everyone is available," Dr. Bellows said, knowing full well that everyone was.
"Tomorrow," Angela said in shock. She may have agreed to this, but that didn't mean she was ready to confront her behavior as soon as tomorrow. Next week, next month, next century, maybe; but not tomorrow.
"Yes, Angela, I have the house number, so I'll call Tony personally and arrange everything."
That took a burden off of Angela, but anxiety was starting to creep in anyway. How would her family react to being summoned here? How would they react to finding out she had been coming here? She found she didn't like the idea of sharing what had been a private calm in her storm with the rest of her family, and she knew they were her family even if she had denied it to Tony.
"If you think it's best, doctor."
"Yes." She stated an hour, and Angela agreed. With that she left, but she didn't go home. She didn't want to see Tony or Jonathan or her mother; didn't want to talk about why Dr. Bellows had called them. So she did what in her mind was the only thing she could do, she went back to the City, went clothes shopping, and stayed in the agency's suite over night. She did at least call home and was relieved that Jonathan answered as she could hear his care for her in his voice, but he wouldn't pry into why she was staying away. She even managed to say, "I love you" to him before hanging up and the sincerity she heard in his response comforted her. The day complete, she crawled into bed, clicked the tv on to some channel, anything would do, and fell asleep to the sounds of advertising.
The next day, Angela kept to her office, wanting to protect her staff from her unsteady frame of mind. The atmosphere was still tense, but Mona was keeping things under control by focusing on business. Soon enough, the hour of departure arrived and Angela didn't know whether to be relieved or terrified. Angela buried her nose into a magazine on the train. Mona was definitely on the relieved side, Angela agreeing to family therapy was a step in the right direction. If her daughter wanted to stay in her cocoon until they arrived at Dr. Bellows' office, she wasn't going to disturb her.
Dr. Bellows surveyed the tableau in front of her. Sam, Mona, and Jonathan sat on the couch. Tony sat alone in a chair to their right; Angela, alone in a chair opposite him, almost as far away from Tony as she could get in this office. It was quiet.
"I'd like to thank everyone for coming today," Dr. Bellows broke the silence.
"Thank you for seeing us on such short notice," Angela may have talked herself into a morose world of her own making, but that didn't keep her from being well-mannered. Of course, she didn't know that no one had to change plans to make it here now.
"I'm always here for you. Where do we want to start?" Dr. Bellows might as well have rung the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange for all the commotion this question caused. Five people immediately tossed in their ideas. The quiet gave way to cacophony.
"Seven years ago," was Mona's suggestion.
"I don't care, just so long as things get back to normal," Jonathan said.
"I just want to see dad and Angela happy again."
"Ay oh, I'm good with any time."
"New Year's." Angela's suggestion was the softest of any of them, so that where Dr. Bellows started, "what about New Year's, Angela."
"I behaved horribly. I ruined everything and no matter what I say, there is no way to fix it. I'm sorry."
"C'mon, Angela, you are being too hard on yourself." Tony stepping up to the plate was exactly what Dr. Bellows wanted, as did the rest of the family. They made a silent mutual decision to stay out of this as much as they could.
"Am I, Tony? I took what had been a great idea and sent it through the shredder."
"Angela, we," and here he gestured to the rest of the family, "are more concerned about what's been going on with you the past few months. Florida isn't important."
"How can you say that? I was…," she trailed off and dropped her head in her hands, "I don't know if this was such a good idea, doctor," came a muffled defense from Angela.
Dr. Bellows expected this. "Angela, you are here with the people who support you more than anyone." She deliberately stayed away from using the words care and love because she feared Angela would shy away. "You can say anything you need to say."
"I can say I am sorry a million times, it still won't be enough." Still muffled.
Tony wanted to walk over to Angela and pull her hands away from her face, but even though he had only taken one psychology class, he knew that Angela was doing her best to hide and any such action taken to pull her out would be met with hostility. So, he gently said, "Angela, stop beating yourself up, will ya?"
"What do you mean?" Angela looked up and Tony felt that if nothing else was solved today, at least he'd accomplished something.
"I mean, you keep shutting yourself off from us. We don't know what's going on with you. You're in pain, and instead of letting us help, you run."
Angela looked at all of her family members, her carefully constructed wall of denial was failing her. She'd convinced herself that as long as she played up her work oriented status, that no one would notice a change in her. This confrontation rattled her, but she wasn't the queen of advertising for nothing, lying came naturally to her. "Tony, I am not in pain, and I am not running."
Mona's ability to cut through the bamboozle came into play here, "bull shit."
"Mother!"
"Cut it out, Angela, you didn't even come home last night," her mother continued.
"I had things to do in the City."
"Stop lying to yourself, stop lying to us." Mona put her proverbial foot down.
Suddenly, Angela felt alone. They were betraying her, not supporting her. She had no one to turn to, no one who really wanted what was best for her, if they did they wouldn't be attacking her like this. "This is ridiculous, I shouldn't have agreed to this," she stated. She made a motion to pick up her purse. Tony saw this and his athletic skill carried him across the room in a flash. He stood against the door, crossing his arms and barring Angela from leaving before she could even get up from the chair.
"No way, Angela, this has gone on long enough. You keep making these quick exits I keep letting you get away with it. It stops now."
Angela stood up and crossed her arms, "you can't tell me what to do."
What Tony saw in Angela's eyes scared him. They were colder than the outside temperature. Tony didn't move from the door. "Angela, no more brushing us off. We don't know who you are anymore. You're...a stranger in your own house. We are here for solutions, and we aren't leaving without an action plan."
She knew he was right and she was angry with him for it. Home had become a foreign concept to her. There was no longer a place for her there, and even though that was of her own making, it didn't smooth over her feeling of detachment. She was drifting and she had to make it clear to them that she was capable of making her own decisions, and if they didn't like those decisions, that wasn't her problem. She moved her hands to her hips for a more powerful stance and said, "what do you care, you'll graduate in 131 days."
There was a momentary silence as everyone registered that Angela knew exactly how many days there were until graduation; although no one knew exactly what that meant.
After that stunned moment, Tony uncrossed his arms and blurted, "you've been counting?" Even he didn't know how many days it was until graduation. His mind was reeling. This information only solidified his conclusion that Angela wanted him gone. He kept trying to figure out who this Angela was, but just as that information had eluded him for the past few months, there was no revelation about it now. "I didn't know it was such a significant date for you."
"Things change, there's no getting around that."
"Sure, but I thought this would be a change for the better."
"Of course, no reason why it shouldn't be. We'll throw a party and then...things will change." She shrugged.
Mona made a mental note that at least Angela used the plural for party planning.
Tony didn't know which avenue to go down. Trying to broach the topic of their relationship was a non-starter. Work? Just as fraught with potholes.
Dr. Bellows came to his rescue, "have a seat, Tony." Tony started from his mental wanderings, nodded, and went back to his chair. Angela dropped back down into her chair.
Dr. Bellows came out from behind her desk and leaned against it, "dynamics are changing, and these can be difficult waters to navigate. Life moves on and if we don't move along with it, we stagnate."
Privately, Mona thought that stagnation was at the root of the Tony and Angela relationship. They both clung to their friendship so tightly that neither was willing to see that that relationship would no longer suffice. She also knew that if they didn't move forward that not only would they lose any potential happiness, they would lose the friendship as well.
Angela was barely paying attention, she had retreated within. A refrain of, "Tony is leaving, Tony is leaving," ran through her head. Regret over New Year's Eve was dissipating, unfortunately, plain old heartbreak was returning.
Dr. Bellows', "does anyone want to say anything?" was met with silence and Angela doing her best to not make eye contact with anyone. As always, avoidance only created more problems. As Angela was focusing on the wall beyond Tony, her mind taunted her even more. They weren't hallucinations, she knew they weren't there, but she saw them: Frankie, Betty, Kathleen, Christine; specters draped around Tony, smirking at her. In her head, they mocked her, "ha ha, Tony wanted us; he didn't want you. Wallflower. Wallflower." She shut her eyes to will them away, but their words continued to haunt her. She had to get out of here; now.
"Well, I have work to do, bye." She jumped out of her chair. Unlike a few years ago, this time Dr. Bellows did not order Angela back into it. Tony reacted quickly and moved to follow Angela, but Dr. Bellows shook her head at him. The rest of the family were equally incredulous at this.
Once again, Angela was gone.
"Why did you let her go, Doc? How can we make progress if Angela isn't here?"
"But we did make progress," Dr. Bellows calmly answered. Far too calmly for the other four people in the room.
"That was progress?" said Tony, aghast, "if it was, I don't want to know what failure looks like."
"Tony, a months long problem wasn't going to be solved in one session," Dr. Bellows soothed.
Tony slumped into his chair, "why not?" he mumbled, "I know Angela is still in there somewhere. Was it unreasonable to think we could all," he looked at the rest of the family, "work together and solve this? Doc, I don't know how much longer this can go on...well, 131 days, I guess." He shook his head in stunned defeat.
"Tony, didn't you say Angela ran off after you mentioned graduation in Florida?" Mona asked.
"Yeah, New Year's Eve morning. We were managing to make conversation, then that word came up and she ran away from me again; but I didn't mention graduation at all on the dance floor. I don't get it, I don't get any of this. All I can see is she wants to be as far away from me as she can be, and she really wants me gone." Tony's summation of Angela's latest character quirk may have been correct, but his conclusion was wrong. His insecurity prompted him say, "maybe I should leave before graduating, give her what she wants."
"No way, Tony," Jonathan piped in, "dad...distant; now mom has joined that club. You gone, too? I might as well start renting out rooms for company."
Tony remembered a long ago made promise to Jonathan, he wasn't going to go back on his commitment now. "I won't go, Jonathan, after all, I still need you to help me with my homework."
There was finally laughter in the room, it was short-lived, but at this point they would grasp at any amusement.
"Hey kiddo, what am I, chopped liver?" Mona said as she put her arm around Jonathan. Sam leaned over a grasped his hand in silent support.
"Course not, grandma, but is it too much to expect that my parents actually...parent?" He had a point.
"Your mother is going to be fine, Jonathan," Dr. Bellows said.
"How can you be sure?"
"She agreed to be here today."
Jonathan reluctantly nodded to that.
"So now what do we do? Convince her to come back again?" Tony asked, although he thought the chance of Angela returning was about as good as the chance that brownies would linger for more than five seconds if Angela was nearby.
"We'll go back to separate sessions. We now have a focus: graduation. Let's go over everything that happened over Christmas and New Year's. Tony told her. Mona, Jonathan, and Sam told her. Every moment of Angela's behavior was dissected; but no conclusions were drawn. The family departed, reaffirming their policy of being positive for Angela.
Getting out of Dr. Bellows' office helped Angela clear her head. The cold air quickly banished her unwelcome visitors from her mind. After giving quick consideration to, and negating, moving into the agency suite, Angela went home. If her family had gone through this much trouble to include her, then she would do her best to interact with them. It wouldn't be easy, but she'd been through worse. She didn't let herself ponder this thought as she might conclude that she hadn't actually been through worse. She pulled her calendar out of the cabinet where she'd hidden it; put an x through one more day before stashing it away again.
At Angela's next appointment, Doctor Bellows did not waste time in silence, she started to steer the conversation toward a theory she had been forming, "why have you started a countdown to Tony's graduation?"
Angela was flustered by the direct question, but recovered, "it's an important day."
"So is Mother's Day, do you have a countdown for that?"
"Of course not, it's easy to remember when that is."
"It's easy to remember May 17th as well; so why the countdown."
"There are a lot of preparations that need to be done for the party; sending invitations, hiring the caterers, getting decorations, these things can't be done at the last minute."
"Have you started the preparations?"
"No, although I do need to get a caterer soon, can't have Tony making the food for his own party, although he'd probably want to, but still, it's his day to relax, so, caterer it is, although I don't know if I will make it through the day without brownies…"
"Angela."
"Oh, sorry. Not the time for party planning."
"Right, but tell me about not making it through the day without chocolate."
"Is it possible to make it through any day without chocolate?"
"It isn't the chocolate; it's the 'making it through'." Although Dr. Bellows did privately agree that a day without chocolate wasn't really much of a day.
"Did I say that?"
Dr. Bellows raised her eyebrows in response.
"Well, as you said, changes are happening. I can't run from the fact that Tony will be leaving."
"Your actions the past few months tell me that you have been doing a lot of running at just the thought of Tony leaving."
Angela was floored. Her facade had been challenged and she was not at all happy about it. "I'm not running. I go home to dinner...every now and then," she said as if that proved her point.
"A recent development?"
Angela was on shaky ground and she knew it, "yes."
"And what is dinner like?"
"Cold...not the food, Tony is a great cook and dinner…"
"Angela."
"What? Oh, sorry."
"No need to be sorry, just tell me about dinner."
"We eat, we make stilted conversation, we go our separate ways. Lately, even my mother shows up. She has given up dating to be home for dinner. It's disconcerting. I feel like they feel like they need to watch over me, like I am some sort of fragile waif that will break if they don't. It's...smothering. I don't like it."
"Your family can only react to the behavior you have shown."
"But I am trying to...not stay away. I'm trying to...be part of the whole. I smile, I laugh, what more is there to do?"
"Make weekend plans? Revive movie night? Schedule a Sunday dinner with Sam?"
"Sam. It would be nice to see her. I'm surprised she hasn't shown up to dinner, but if she did, I would take it as more smothering."
"Perhaps that's why she stays away."
Angela tightly closed her eyes, "I can't lose her, too."
"Reach out to her."
"How?"
"How have you related to her in the past?"
"I don't know, just regular girl stuff."
"Plan a girls day out then." Dr. Bellows made it sound so simple, but Angela only saw a chasm between Sam and herself, one that she no longer knew how to cross.
"What if she doesn't want to be around me?" a small voiced Angela asked.
"Is that likely?"
"I don't know."
"Angela, you are the one who has to reach out."
Angela was not happy with this assessment, but she knew it was correct. She nodded.
"Good, now let's get back to Tony. Why do you assume he will leave after graduating?"
It was out of the frying pan and into the fire for Angela. She winced but dove in, "what else would he do? He has no reason to stay. Sam is out of the house, Jonathan is close to being off to college as well. Mother will have to learn to live without his cooking. I'm certain he didn't plan on staying a housekeeper forever. It's time; it's time for him to go. Time for him to...explore his options; broaden his horizons." She flinched. Wasn't that the pablum she spouted when they first discussed Kathleen? Why did she suddenly feel like she was going to throw up?
Dr. Bellows noticed that the only person Angela didn't mention was herself, she pursued, "Angela, why the flinch?"
"How many cliches about fulfillment can one listen to before flinching? Guess we found out."
"Try again."
"I'm tired of experience being used as an excuse."
"Please elaborate."
"Tony...is much better than I at...sampling life's buffet. Let's just say we aren't compatible in our levels of sampling."
"That's very cryptic, Angela."
"He's more easy going, he's...able to grasp an opportunity without being troubled by all the possible downsides." Grasp? Why did she use that word? "Tony grasped Kathleen," ran through her head, she kicked the thought out as best she could, but the memory of it stayed.
"You feel he is irresponsible?"
"No, not at all, in most things; but his...buffet of life experience; I've excused it for too long. No more. He's a grown man, shouldn't his sampling phase be over?"
"That would depend on what he is sampling. Angela, life is made up of experiences, you know this. What is it about his sampling that concerns you?"
"It doesn't concern me at all, not anymore."
Dr. Bellows wasn't buying that for a second, but as she wasn't breaking through, she decided to get back to her theory. "Angela, do you want Tony to go?"
Angela turned away, she found a convenient tissue box and pulled one out, "it's not my decision to make."
"That wasn't my question. Do you want Tony to go."
Why did she even come here? Nothing was being accomplished. There was nothing to be accomplished. Tony was leaving, and her opinion on the subject really didn't matter.
"Angela."
"What do you expect me to say? You know I don't want him to go; but I don't want him to stay either."
Not exactly the answer Dr. Bellows expected, she was hoping for a definite, "I want him to stay." She pursued the answer Angela gave, "your wants are in direct contradiction."
"Sometimes I know I will miss him; other times I can't wait for him to leave. I can't make it any clearer to you if I can't make it any clearer to myself."
"What can you do to make it clearer?"
"I'm not playing your game anymore, I know that Tony is at the bottom of this, I don't need you to tell me that and I don't need you to tell me to talk to him. I need to know how to cope."
"Angela, you have a choice to make. You made the choice to pull away, you are the only one who can make the choice to return."
Never was there a decision so cut and dried; and never had Angela felt so averse to making a decision. Angela had no more to say. She left Dr. Bellows office that day feeling unsettled; her thoughts were jumbled. She couldn't make any major life decision when she didn't even feel capable of deciding on a flavor of ice cream.
Angela's commitment to dinner at home didn't last, she slipped back into staying at work. Breakfast in the office soon followed.
At ninety-three days until what Angela was now calling G-Day, she walked into the house exhausted. It had been a very long day at work with flowers arriving almost continually for her mother. Barricading herself in her office didn't work as the scent overpowered its way into her space. There was joy on the other side of that door and Angela stayed where she was as she didn't want to ruin any one else's happiness. It was Friday, it was Valentine's Day, she let everyone leave early; she stayed late. When she finally did go home she arrived at a dark house. Jonathan was at a school basketball game and Tony seemed to have made himself scarce also. Angela concluded that that was a wise decision; she didn't need either of them around tonight making jokes about Chez Rene.
Wanting to get her nightly calendar ritual over and then get to sleep, she headed to her den. Her sanctuary betrayed her. She blinked more than once, but the offending vision was still there. One pink rose in a vase on her desk. In the past this tribute gave her joy. She and Tony never said one word about this rose that appeared annually, but they both silently acknowledged its presence. This year, the beauty of that poor, innocent rose symbolized nothing but pain. She couldn't figure out why Tony had bothered, was he taunting her? Angela couldn't stand to look at it. She didn't want his pity rose. She took the rose out of the vase and went outside. She threw the rose as far as she could. It landed near the fence, a pink stain on the white snow. Then Angela went back to the cabinet behind her desk. She pulled out a box and her countdown calendar. The box was filled with dried petals from roses of previous years. Again, she went outside. She opened the box and scattered the petals. Their dried remains crunched under her heel as she turned back into the house. The box was then tossed into the garbage. Finally, and with a great deal of satisfaction, she crossed another day off the calendar. The calendar was put back into its home, Angela made a quick stop in the kitchen, then went upstairs before anyone else came home.
Later that night, Tony found the empty vase near the kitchen sink. He saw the symbolism, and he felt just as empty as the vase.
Alone in her room, Angela was surprised to find she was not upset; in fact, she felt nothing. Angela had become numb. Even if Tony professed his love for her 24 hours a day, even if he filled the house with pink roses, even if he kissed her with a passion that had no end; Angela would not have registered any of it. Tony had become an abstract concept in her mind. He existed in the house. He cooked, he cleaned, he took care of Jonathan; but Angela only interacted with him in a detached manner. He was an entity who spoke to her when necessary. He tried to speak to her plenty of times when not necessary, but she was always perfunctory with him. Angela saw this as progress in her "Forget Tony" campaign, but she was only fooling herself; a thought that never even occurred to her.