Chapter 14: The Great Titty Monster
Perv cheerfully walked up towards Andariel, whose followers refer to deferentially as the "Great Titty Monster". Her Fallen escort and their shamans eye the casually confident skeleton with great suspicion. Steve noted absentmindedly that Andariel was rather tall and massive for a confused little girl.
"Greetings Lady Andariel! My name is Perv and ..."
"Impossible? How can this be?!"
"I assure you Ma'am, we didn't hurt too many of your uh.. people. We mostly snuck into your inner sanctuary."
"No. I mean how are you even talking? None of my skeletons ever talk to me. Come to think of it, none of my minions talk much."
"They are probably just too awestruck by your beauty." Perv slyly gave me a bony thumbs up.
"What? Really?! Tell me more!"
"Indeed. It isn't magic that brings me back to life. It was my desire to gaze upon your big and overwhelming... uh.. overwhelming presence. The other demons are just jealous. And if the angels knew of your radiance, they would have long ago beaten down the gates of hell to take you away."
Steve briefly wondered why Perv did not return to life as a slime. This continued litany of profuse declarations of praise and admiration was so intense that some of the Fallen became poisoned. But it was when they started begging their shamans not to resurrect them that Steve decided to share his mushroom wine with them. Pulp refused the mushroom wine and instead chose to test the structural integrity of the floor by banging his face against it repeatedly. The floor was indeed solid.
"You are sooo right Perv. Of the Seven Evils, I'm the only female demon. There should be more female Evils. This patriarchy is a heavenly construct. I'm going to so burn my bra."
"My demon queen, your bra is metal."
"Good. When it's melts, I can make it into a new bra. Which I'm going to burn yet again!"
"Your genius is unmatched. Not even Azmodan can come up with such a devious plan."
"Oh puhleease. That bloated toad admires his own war plans so much that I'm surprised the sound of his bragging doesn't reach all the way to the High Heavens. And it's not as if his consort is any better. I'm much prettier than his spider wench!" Andariel grew visibly furious at her recollection of the 'spider wench'.
"Of course you are. Your plan was truly inspired. You're confidently exhibiting your feminine form to induce sexual anguish in your victims. In my native world, this form of torture is called 'blue balls'."
"What? Wow. I didn't realize that was my plan. I am like so smart. Does this 'blue balls' thing work on females?
"Lady, I'm having blue balls right now and I'm a skeleton".
And with that, the matter was settled. They were allowed to stay anywhere in the monastery. Andariel will 'terrorize' the surrounding countryside by roaming around and exhibiting her superiority of form. Perv reassured Steve that the local human guards and the sisterhood will peacefully let this happen.
Steve suddenly remembered the mission that the goatmen had given him. Oh no! Now the goatmen would never give him any more of that wonderful mushroom wine. But when he eventually returned to the goatmen, they surprised him by congratulating him on a job well done.
"It wasn't exactly what we wanted but she's the humans' problem now. Maybe now we can finally bring some goatgirls back to the monastery without her embarrassing us."
Senator goatman sternly wagged his finger at Steve. He must admit that the senator cuts a fine figure with his polished breastplate and flowing cape. The elder statesman image would have been perfect if only he had remembered to wear some pants.
The goatman puts a reassuring hand on Steve's shoulder. "It's ok Steve. Old habits die hard, but if we try, I know we can be a better people. One day the memories of Andy's mammaries will..."
Steve and his friends quickly slipped away as more and more goatmen crowded around to hear the senator's speech about the importance of not being naked in public. He left the goatmen for some well deserved rest.
As he was lazing about in the barracks, Steve idly swore at the nearby zombies who bumped into him.
"Are you blind?!" Some symbol appeared above the zombies' heads and they squinted at him. Suddenly fearing that the zombies were offended, he quickly backtracked. "Ahem. I mean pardon me good sirs and madams, I must be blind!"
Immediately the world grew dimmer and his vision failed him. There was a flash of bright light in his mind and he was transported to a place where he had the impression of flashing lights. There was a horrific cacophony and the sound of feminine giggles. This must be hell.
"No. This isn't hell. This is a... never mind. How did you manage to blind yourself? What kind of a priest are you anyway? Here, this will fully restore your vision."
Steve felt a pair of clammy appendages on his temples and suddenly he can see once again. Not only that, he has most of his recent memory restored. He was beginning to remember his adventures with the rogues and the paladin.
"Can you see now?"
Steve was indeed able to see. Though what he was seeing wasn't making much sense. There was a slimy tentacled creature wearing a strange "Trag'oul for life" tunic . It was seated on top of a raised seating area that extended in a semicircle. The creature was also flanked on both sides by beautiful young women with outlandish clothes.
A massive table was in between the seats and proudly featured a lithe dancer who was slowly taking off her clothes. The creature grabbed some crumpled paper and placed it in the bra of the woman on the table.
"What am I seeing?"
The woman answered his question by taking off her bra and shoving his face in her chest.
"Do you like what you're seeing?"
There was a flash of bright light and once again Steve was back in the barracks looking dumbly at some zombies who were tripping over themselves.
"It doesn't really make much sense when you think about it. It's not as if their rotted eyed were really working that well." Perv nodded at me with a look of amusement. Or maybe it was a look of rage. It's difficult to read eye sockets.
Steve dismissed his previous curse of dim vision before realizing what he was doing. The zombies started shuffling about more confidently and tripped over their own feet less often. One of them head-butted him in the chest by accident and lost a tooth.
This isn't going to work out. Although the undead and demons here don't view him with hostility, there were just too many zombies shuffling about in the darkness everywhere. The goatmen were fine and friendly demons but the mushroom wine made them overly confident with their singing abilities. And both these things cause Steve to curse at them resulting in awkward accidents.
No. He must return to the rogue encampment and live there. He must suffer the hideous monstrosity that the rogues call "Kasha".