Way Back Home

Using the songs of Jennifer Nettles album Playing With Fire to explore Sharon's past with Jack and her future with Andy.

Chapter One Unlove You

Loving Jack was like being consumed by fire and drowning all at the same time. It had been since she was twenty five years old.

This time it was going to be different she swore to herself. When he showed up a month ago his eyes shining, well-groomed and with a job, she told herself she would just let him sleep on the couch for a couple of nights until he found a place of his own. She wasn't going to fall for his tricks or his charms again. If he wanted to be a part of the kids' lives that was fine but she was done with him. The problem was she had always underestimated the power he held over her.

Emily had gotten sick at school one day. Sharon was still new to IAB and they were in the middle of investigating an officer involved shooting. There was a lot of pressure to get it resolved as quickly as possible leaving the office early was not an option. Out of desperation she called Jack at his new office, without hesitating he went to pick her up.

It was well into the night before Sharon made it home. Jack had gotten Emily to the pediatrician, picked up the prescription for her strep throat, helped Ricky with his homework and gotten both kids to bed.

"The kids wanted breakfast dinner and there's some leftovers I could heat up for you." He told her when she walked in at almost midnight.

She smiled at him gratitude swelling up inside her. "Thank you Jack, for everything." She told him.

"No problem, Shar, I'm glad to do it. I mean what I've been saying I want to be a part of things, I want to do my job. Anyways, I wanted to let you know I've found a place that I can move into at the end of the week." He told her.

Sharon looked at him in surprise and before she could stop herself she heard herself saying, "Stay Jack, stay with us, let's be the family we always said that we wanted."

Jack crossed the living room and placed his hands on her face, "I love you Sharon and that is all I want, the chance to be a family again."

It was Sharon who pressed her lip against, it was Sharon who took his hand and led him to her bed that night, even though deep inside she knew the truth. She knew it wouldn't last, she knew it would end the same way that it always did, but in that moment her desire and need for him was just too great. She knew she wouldn't have him forever but she was willing to take him for now.

Three months later he was gone, along with all of the money she had managed to save over the years. He had been let go from the firm he was working for because he showed up to a deposition hungover after a night of gambling and drinking. The kids were devastated and Sharon was ashamed. She was ashamed because she knew she still loved him. She was in love with a man who loved booze and cards more than he could ever love her. She was ashamed because no matter how hard she tried she could not unlove him. She could not forget what it felt like to be loved by him, but she also knew that love wasn't enough anymore. She wasn't twenty five anymore, she had no time to be consumed by fire and she was already drowning in responsibilities. She had the legal separation drawn up as protection against herself as much as protection against Jack. She found a way to lock up her heart in a way that it could no longer be touched, by Jack or anyone else.

TBC

I could break down and cry

Laugh it off and deny

Draw lines in the sand

And count on both hands

All the reasons why

This just won't work

It'll be nothing but hurt

I can swear that I don't

And maybe one day I won't

But for how hard I've tried

I can't unlove you

My heart can't unbreak

I can't unfeel how it felt

But feel so much myself

My whole body ached

And I can't unknow this

Lord, I wish I knew how

But I can't unlove you

So come love me for now

If I were 25

I know just what I'd do

I would have already kissed

Till I was drunk on your lips

A thousand times too few

But we have other lives

And we know it ain't right

This is going nowhere

If I'm with you I don't care, Take me nowhere tonight

They call it fire

But it feels just like drowning

Well the weight of my burning desire

Closing in all around me

Jennifer Nettles