THE CLEARWATER'S

CHAPTER 47

SAVANNAH P.O.V

Within weeks we saw a change in Tayenn. She was doing so much better. During the day we fed her by mouth and at night they fed her through a feeding tube. It worked so well for her. During the day she had the energy to take bottles and they were hoping that within the next few weeks that they would be able to stop the tube feedings all together. Her lungs were getting so much stronger and she was mostly breathing on her own now.

She had a few what they call "spells" meaning that during the night when she's feeding, she chokes. The nurses weren't too concerned about it but every time it happened, her days of being in the NICU got pushed further.

Being so far away from home was a struggle. Right now we were living in a hotel and the Cullen's were watching Takoda and Kuba. As I was getting ready to go see Tayenn, Seth was laying in bed.

"We need to go home this weekend." He commented. "See the boys."

"And leave Tayenn in the hospital?" I said.

"She'll be fine. The nurses know we have other kids. It's just for two days to see the boys." He answered.

"I'm not leaving her." I crossed my arms.

"You have two other children, Savannah who haven't seen you in weeks."

"I talk to them everyday." I huffed.

"For like an hour over facetime!" He stood up. "That is not enough. They need their mother too."

"They're fine." I fought back. It was very difficult knowing that our boys needed me. But Tayenn also needed me. I wanted to be here for every milestone she reached. I wanted to be there for the feeds.

"Fine. You can stay here. I'm going home to see them." He commented shoving his clothes into a bag.

"Fine."

"I knew this would happen. I knew as soon as we had a girl that you would throw away the boys like they didn't matter." I glared at him. I love all of my kids equally. Tayenn just happened to be sick and needed the extra care.

"I love them all equally."

"You're doing a great job at proving it."

"She's sick, Seth. I don't know what you want from me."

"I want you to pay attention to your other kids!" He zipped the bag closed. "When you decide not to be a piece of shit mom, call me." With that he grabbed the keys and left. I tried not to let it hurt my feelings. I knew that things were tense but he still didn't need to be so cruel. I slowly finished getting ready to head over to the hospital.

I couldn't help but think that Seth was right. I was a terrible mom. I should be at home with my boys. I wanted to be there. I wanted to hold them and cuddle and make them dinner and give them a bath. But I also wanted to be here with Tayenn. I wanted her to improve so that she could come home and see her brothers.

I walked the block from the hotel to the hospital. When I got there she sleeping. I got settled before carefully lifting her up and resting her in my arms. Now that she was bigger than when she was born I was able to hold her. She was still hooked up to wires and feeding tubes but her little face seemed to make everything better.

But even cuddling with her, I felt like I was a bad mom. It was always going to be stuck in the back of my head. What if the boys hated that I was here. What if they thought I was abandoning them? What if they thought I was only ever going to show her attention.

Around 11 I fed her. She thankfully got through the feed without choking but most of the time she choked at night. Once she was back to sleep I headed out to get some lunch. I texted Seth to check in but he didn't respond. Instead a call from Alice came through.

"Hey, Alice." I said as I walked.

"What's going on? I saw Seth packing bags." I sighed.

"He wanted to go home to see the boys. I didn't want to leave Tayenn, we got into a fight and he left."

"No, Sav. Bags. At your house." I paused confused.

"What?" I sat down on a bench outside the hotel. "What else did you see?"

"Just him coming to get the boys." She commented. I ran my free hand through my hair. "Did he say something?"

"I told him I wasn't leaving. Then he told me to call him when I decided not to be a piece of shit mom."

"You're not a piece of shit mom." She commented. I looked down and shook my head. "You're not. One of your babies is sick. It's not unreasonable for you to be there with her."

"He thinks that I love her more because she's a girl." I sniffled. This wasn't something that I thought we would fight about. I thought we both wanted a little girl. "Can you see what he's doing now?" I asked. She was quiet for a few minutes.

"He's coming to get the boys then he's going to his moms." She answered. "Maybe you should call him and see what's going on." I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I said my goodbyes to Alice before heading up to the room. If I was going to cry I didn't want it to be in public. I called Seth. It rang and rang before he finally picked up.

"What." He said into the phone.

"Alice just called and said that you were packing bags and going to your moms." I commented. "Is everything okay?" I asked.

"I decided to bring the boys to my moms for a while. Get some distance."

"So you're not gonna come back?" I asked.

"No." I had no clue what I was going to do once she was discharged. He had the car.

"I... What?"

"Someone needs to be here with the boys and you're clearly not interested in seeing them." I stood looking out the window as we talked.

"I love them just as much as I love Tayenn. She's sick and in the hospital." I didn't know how many times I had to say it for him to get it through his head.

"We can discuss the arrangements when you both come home."

"Arrangements? What does that mean?" I asked.

"It means I'm leaving you." I swear the world stopped. The breath hitched in the back of my throat and I nearly choked on it. I had no clue what to say. How to stop him from making that decision. I stared off into the distance moving the phone away from my face. I sat down on the bed.

The world had stopped spinning and I was hours away from home. I couldn't make it better.

I stayed alone in the room trying to figure out how I was going to afford everything I needed. Seth had been supporting me since Koda was born and I didn't have any money saved. I headed back to the hospital to see Tayenn. I stayed through dinner and it was nearly 10pm when I got back to the hotel room for the night.

I wasn't sure if Seth was going to file for divorce or if he just needed a break to be away from me. We hadn't broken up since before we got married. This time felt so much different. There were now three kids involved. I could literally feel my heart break as he said the words.

Everyday I tried to call and check on the boys, more often then not he sent it right to voicemail. It had been weeks and Tayenn had finally gotten a discharge date. I texted him to let him know that she was finally going to be able to go home, he didn't respond. Because I didn't have a car, I had to call my dad. He of course was right there pulling up to the curb while I stood outside with Tayenn in her seat.

She had been in the NICU for 8 long weeks. She finally weighed six pounds. She was breathing on her own and feeding on her own. I was very proud of her progress.

Dad right away jumped out of the car to help me with our stuff. As much as I loved the fact that Tayenn was healthy enough to come home, I didn't want to leave. I wasn't sure what our house was going to look like. I wasn't sure if Seth would let me see the boys. I wasn't sure about anything.

I got Tayenn into the car while dad got our bags in. I sat in the back with her for the car ride home.

"Have you heard from him?" Dad asked. I shook my head. This was the longest we had ever gone without talking to each other. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to make it right again. "Is he filing for divorce?"

"I don't know." I whispered. I wasn't sure I would survive getting those paper's. I just figured once we were married that things would be great. "He used to call me selfish a lot. Maybe he's finally tired of me." I shrugged. I had never felt a pain like this. It was almost as bad as delivering a baby.

When we got home, Seth's car was gone and moms car was in its place. Dad helped me into the house. I set Tayenn on the table and mom came right over to see her. Behind her were my two little boys. I sat on the floor and pulled them both into my arms.

"I missed you so much." I kissed them both all over their faces. Their giggles rang through the air.

"You home?"

"I'm home. I'm not going anywhere." I smiled. It felt so good having them in my arms. I almost half expected Seth to be here. I figured he would want to see his daughter. Everything seemed to still be normal. I did a quick glance around before mom mentioned that she made food. I quickly got myself some while she got Tayenn out of her seat. "Have you heard from Seth?" I asked her.

"Yes. He said he'll come get the boys before bedtime."

"They can stay here now." I commented.

"They've been staying at Sue's."

"I'm home now. They can stay here." She frowned at me. "What?"

"None of their stuff is here." She said softly as she rocked Tayenn. I slowly put my fork down.

"What?" This was their home. There was no reason for Seth to move them to his moms. I got up and rushed upstairs. Tayenn's room was at the top of the stairs. I quickly opened her door and everything was still in place. As I moved down the hall to the boys room, everything was gone besides their beds and their dressers. Their toys, their clothes, their books. Everything.

I slowly moved into Koda's room. An empty feeling came over me as I looked around at nothing. I heard dad come in behind me.

"He's not coming back is he?" I whispered tears filling my eyes. I never thought that this was where life was going to take me. I just figured that we would live happily ever after.

"I don't know, baby." Dad answered. "Whatever happens, I'll never let anything happen to you." I burst into tears as he pulled me into his arms. I wasn't sure how long we stood there but I needed it. "We should go see the boys before Seth comes to get them." He said. I nodded, wiping my eyes and heading downstairs. They were both sitting on the couch with mom. Kuba had his hand right over Tayenn's as she slept.

I sat down next to them and Koda climbed into my lap.

"Baby sister." He pointed smiling at me and then back to her.

"Yeah, that's Tayenn." I answered running my finger's through his hair. We sat around for a while longer just looking at her before dad wanted to hold her. Seth came in the front door as I was reading a book to the boys.

"Ready boys?"

"We not staying here?" Koda asked.

"No." He answered flatly. Koda clung to me, not wanting to let go. "Let's go, Koda. Say your goodbyes." He wailed clinging to me.

"Its okay baby." I rubbed his back. "Go with daddy. I'll see you again soon." I had no idea what Seth's plan was but I wasn't going to get on his bad side. I was afraid he would take the boys away from me.

"I wanna stay!" He cried.

"I know baby. You can stay another day okay?" I said. It broke my heart trying to keep it together so he wouldn't think anything was wrong. I had no clue when I would be seeing them again.

My parents stayed for a while longer before heading home to take care of my siblings. The house was too quiet. I had never felt so alone.

The next day Seth agreed to move the boys back in. He told me he needed space. He agreed to be here every morning and every night to see the boys but that he wouldn't stay over night. I knew that things were never going to be normal. But, he hadn't mentioned getting divorced.

And even though Seth was there everyday, I still felt like I was doing everything alone. He never even held Tayenn let alone helped me take care of her. His full attention was on the boys. But I would take what I could get.

The pack were in and out daily checking in on all of us. Every few days his mom would come over. On the days that she didn't, my mom or Emily would come over. I think they were all afraid to leave us alone.

But still, every night after the boys fell asleep, he would leave for the night. It felt weird not having my husband there. I laid on my side of the bed every night waiting for his arms to pull me into his chest. The bed was mostly cold. His dresser was empty, his closet was only filled with hangers. Everyday I looked, as if he over night he had put his stuff back.

I sat up in a cold sweat with a sob. I blinked and rubbed my eyes confused. I was still in the hotel room and Seth was sleeping beside me.

"It was just a dream." I whispered to myself. I sobbed moving myself closer to Seth. I couldn't imagine living a life without him. The dream seemed so real. It jumped all over the place and I swear it was real. I felt every emotion I was feeling in the dream.

"What's wrong?" Seth mumbled holding me against his warm chest. I was sobbing so hard I could barely get the words out.

"Bad dream." I whispered. He kissed my face.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked. I looked at the clock, it was only 4am. We still had plenty of time to sleep before heading over to the hospital to see Tayenn.

"You left me." I whispered.

"That's never going to happen." I was so relieved waking up and seeing his face, feeling his arms wrapped around me. I still shaking even though his had his arms wrapped around me and my face was pressed to his chest. "I love you." He kissed the top of my head. "It was just a dream."

I never did fall back to sleep that night.