Notes: This update didn't take as long despite being written over the holiday season. And it's nearly been a year of working on this story again after an over 10 year pause on it. Hope it's been worth it for anyone reading, because I've enjoyed working on it even with the headaches it causes at it.
Anyhow, posted this one just days ago over on a03 first, but it needed just a little editing for over here due to a handful of swear words. And while I'm reluctant to post it over here since the stats page isn't working (grrrr, fix your you know what, ff!) because I like to be able to see that people are reading even if they aren't commenting or adding or following or whatever... here it is.
Now a few things will be revealed in this one, and that awaited talk will happen. So, I guess I should just let you get to now... hope you enjoy it!
Back upstairs and sitting in the chair Bobby kept outside of the library in the small area by the stairs, Manda was now thinking a few things over while she waited for Sam to come back to move the Impala. It wasn't a pressing matter that she go to the store, but she wanted to get something to drink besides the water and herbal tea Bobby had on offer to her, and picking up something a little on the healthier side to eat than what was currently in his fridge wouldn't hurt either. So that was her excuse, but she actually just wanted to take a ride and clear her head for awhile.
Sam had given her even more to think and worry about when they'd talked. As much as she was trying to wrap her head around finding out what her granddad had done years ago, and the way nobody in her family had told her about the psychic's warnings – it had to wait. There were two more important matters to deal with first and foremost. Talking to Dean about everything and making things right between them was one of those things, figuring out what her granddad had done with that angel blade was the other.
When Sam had first gone outside, Manda had used the moment to talk about what her granddad had done with Bobby since unlike either Winchester brother he had actually known him. And just like Sam had when he'd told her about it, Bobby ended up asking if she had any idea on where that blade might be because he believed there was no way Eliot would have gotten rid of it. She agreed. Her granddad would have hid the blade somewhere, but Sam had mentioned him and Dean hadn't found it in her house when they'd looked through all the hiding spots.
So she was sitting there, trying to think of the possible places her granddad might have hidden the blade, and also wondering how much longer she should wait before attempting to talk with Dean.
"Manda?" Sam called the female hunter, finding her with her eyes closed in the chair. He wasn't surprised she'd kind of drifted off at this point since it had been a hell of day for her so far. She had to be wiped out after fighting with his brother, learning about her grandfather and the things she'd never been told, and talking about what had happened to her. So maybe knowing that even while Dean was mad at her, he was still around and it meant she didn't have to look over her shoulder the way she clearly had been for the last few months had allowed her to give in to that exhaustion. Dean wouldn't let anything happen to her while he was here. Sam knew that much, so she also had to.
Hearing Sam's voice, Manda sort of jumped awake in the chair. She wasn't sure how much time had passed or that she'd even closed her eyes while thinking about everything.
Sam watched the way she became alert instantly. Despite knowing she was at Bobby's, he saw her assess the room, realize there was no threat, and then kind of relax.
"What's up?" she asked, looking at and then past him. However long it had taken, apparently Dean hadn't trailed in behind his brother, so he still wasn't ready to talk to her. She felt the sting from that harder than she let show then. "Were you able to get the keys and move the Impala yet?"
"Uh, yeah… about that…" Sam started, now wondering how this might go down. Because he was expecting some sort of fight, but the female hunter looked completely tired and something else he couldn't figure out just then. "Dean thinks it would be best if you stick around here and let me go out for whatever you need instead."
Laughing with a scoff, Manda shook her head. "Can't say I didn't see that move of his coming… Okay, as long as Dean's instructions weren't to have you lock me in the panic room while you're gone, we're good, Sam."
Eyes widening with some curiosity, the younger Winchester wasn't sure why she wasn't arguing about it. "He didn't go that far yet, but he might after you tell him what you told me. I didn't say anything to him about it, Manda. He should hear it from you."
Manda stood up and stretched a little. "Yeah," she sighed heavily, not looking forward to that at all. "So, you were out there for awhile. Is he… is he okay?"
Sam was slightly surprised that she was asking, but she had known how much this would gut Dean. Since his brother still wasn't talking to her, he knew she was really asking if he'd talked to him at least. He shrugged, gave her a knowing look.
She nodded and was quiet for a moment, knowing that meant Dean wasn't taking this news well, and he still didn't want to talk to her. "All right, let me make a list and give you some cash… and um, Sam… thanks for before," she said, heading for Bobby's library for some paper.
Nodding, he just looked after her somewhat oddly. She was taking everything far too well and it wasn't normal, so now he wondered whether it was because of her hormones, or if she was just that tired, or if there was still more going on that she hadn't mentioned yet. Because he knew when Dean didn't put up a fight there was usually something wrong or he had a plan up his sleeve, and Sam knew for a fact that she was the same in that regard.
Manda came back a moment later and handed him a list and a few bills. "That should cover it."
Looking at the list, Sam smirked as he saw the last item. "Is that last one for you or Dean?"
"Both," she answered honestly. "Because we both know your brother can't refuse pie, but if he does, I'll eat it. This baby's totally got Dean's appetite already for some of the cravings I'm starting to get lately. Pie's one of them."
Laughing as he headed for the door, Sam knew that wasn't a good thing. "I'll get the pie, and the rest."
"And another bottle of whiskey, Sam," Bobby called out from his library. "Since Dean drank most of mine."
"Sure, Bobby." Sam rolled his eyes at Manda as he headed out the door.
She stood there alone now, not sure what to do since Dean had put his foot down even if he wasn't going to talk to her just yet. She considered going outside to see if he would at least hear her out, but then decided he could come find her when he was ready for that. Trying to force him to talk right now would only make everything worse.
So it was back to killing time, back to combing her memory for somewhere her granddad might have hidden the blade, and trying to prepare herself for when it was time to deal with Dean. She sat back down for a few minutes, felt that was useless, and then headed towards the library to talk to Bobby.
It was then that out of the corner of her eye she noticed something sitting on top of the table in the hallway – a socket wrench. The tool had been left out, and given Bobby's actual day job it didn't seem out of place, but as her eyes looked at it, it sparked a memory, one she'd long forgotten. Her eyes lit up, and she smiled a little impishly. "Son of a bitch…" she muttered out loud to herself, grabbing the wrench with a bit of a chuckle and putting it in her pocket as she walked towards the door then.
[ - ]
Having waited long enough for Sam to have broken it to Manda that she wasn't going on a supply run, and then for him to have left, Dean knew his brother was right – he couldn't sit out here for the rest of the day avoiding her. Also, he was getting hungry now, wanted to grab another beer, and thought he could use that as his excuse to check on her even if he wasn't in the mood to talk to her just yet. His plan was to head inside the house, get what he wanted, try to get a read on her while he did that, and then maybe go from there.
But as he was walking up towards Bobby's house, Dean spotted Manda bent down and leaning in through the driver's door of her Chevelle at a bit of a weird angle. She was obviously trying to do something, and from the position she was in he wasn't sure she should be doing whatever it was in her condition.
"Damn it," she loudly muttered with a hint of distress from inside of the car.
"Manda?" Heart dropping to his stomach, he feared she had just caused some kind of injury to herself or the baby and ran over to see what was wrong. "Whoa… whoa, what the hell do you think you're doing now?" His tone was rough as he got to her, quickly saw the socket wrench in her hand and how she was basically in the backseat because the driver's seat was pushed all the way forward.
Manda twisted her neck to look up at Dean. He sounded concerned, but seeing him then, she knew he was wearing his poker face, trying to mask whatever he was feeling towards her. "What's it look like?" she snapped. "I need to get this goddamned seat out. And that's what I'm doing because ripping open the upholstery ain't an option. So if you don't mind..."
Dean didn't ask, didn't even think about, he just leaned in over her and grabbed the socket wrench from her hand. "Actually, I do mind," he said, cutting her off from finishing whatever she was going to say. He straightened up again then. "I got it. You just… get up. Go sit on the hood and wait or something," he told her with a command, because he really wasn't asking. She had been trying to do it while trying to keep her slightly swollen stomach in mind, and he had no doubt she'd manage to do it, but seeing her try had just made him incredibly nervous. Did she really think she should take and lift out the driver's seat by herself while pregnant? He didn't think so.
"O-okay," she replied somewhat quietly, looking at him with a raised brow. She saw something slip in his expression for a second. Dean was worried and it had just showed in him. But they were still at odds and not wanting to push it, she just stood up before moving aside to allow him to take over.
"So, um… why do you need this seat out?" he asked curiously, crouching down and leaning in through the door. They had other things to talk about, he knew that, but this would have to do for now because he just wasn't ready to go there. And for the moment he was thankful she had actually listened without arguing about it, because the last thing he wanted to do was fight with her again. The need to protect and look after her had kicked in hard the second he'd thought there'd been something wrong with her or the baby.
Manda closed her eyes for a moment, and then went to sit on the hood of her car. If this is what Dean wanted to talk about, then she'd let it happen. At least he was talking and not yelling at her again. "Sam told me about what you found in my granddad's journal. Long story short – the seat's where he probably hid the angel blade." She let out a dry chuckle then. "That's why he left the 'Velle to me and not my dad. He said I needed it more… and a few weeks before he died, he made sure I knew about the bottom of the seat being his hiding spot for things he never wanted to get caught with on the road. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but he made a point of showing it to me for some reason."
Working on getting the bolts loose that she hadn't gotten to, Dean kind of cocked his head in surprise. Sam had only told her a few hours ago now and she'd already figured out where Eliot must have hidden it since it wasn't in her house. So he hoped she was right, because he needed her to have that blade more than ever now. "You really think he hid it in here?"
"Absolutely. That was his way of telling me without actually telling me. I know how he was, and he was making sure I knew where it was even if I didn't know it at the time." She let out a sharp scoff. "I never touched his journal after he was gone, you know? He taught me what he wanted me to know. When he died my dad put all his stuff away, and then seven months later my parents were gone too. They didn't tell me anything about it or the rest before they died, and now I've probably been sitting on that damn thing for twelve years without a freakin' clue, Dean."
"Hmm… makes sense." Dean was finished detaching the seat from the car's floor so he stood up. He looked over to see her sitting on the hood near the tire trying to do up her jacket just then. She must have been cold but she couldn't seem to get the zipper to go over her baby bump.
"What?" Manda stopped as she saw him watching her with mild amusement. "Guess I'm now officially outgrowing all my clothes." She sighed, gave up fumbling with the zipper.
"Goes with the territory, doesn't it?" he replied a little comically. He lightly tossed the socket wrench on the backseat, and then slipped off his jacket as he walked towards her. "Here." Standing in front of her now, he just slipped his jacket behind and then around her shoulders. "Despite popular belief today, I'm not always a total ass."
His jacket smelt like him, felt like him, and she wanted nothing more than to sink into it and against him, but didn't let herself. That small comfort, letting Dean be her protector in this moment wouldn't come easy since they hadn't made up yet. Still, Manda's eyes welled up at the gesture as they met his, and then she just searched them for a moment. He didn't seem mad at her anymore, but something else she couldn't quite figure out. "No, you're really not," she uttered softly, her voice breaking just a little.
Seeing so much of what she was trying to hide then, he looked at her, wanting to comfort her but just couldn't bring himself to make that move even if his hands were still holding on to the front of his jacket around her. He wasn't sure she would let him get any closer to her right now anyway.
The silence settled in between them for a minute or two, both of them just staring at the other. Neither knew what to say just then, but it was becoming clear the fighting was done, the pain was deep, and that the bond between them was too strong to ignore.
Without thinking about it, Manda reached up to lightly caress the bruise on his cheek from where she had punched him. "Sorry, Dean."
When Dean felt how gently she touched him, saw how truthfully sorry she was in that moment, he wasn't prepared for it. He wasn't sure if she was just apologizing for the punch or not, but it didn't really matter. He knew that she had everything and yet nothing to be sorry for. "Nah, I probably had that hit coming," he casually said, downplaying it. He pulled his jacket a little tighter around her. "But let's just finish getting that seat out for now, Chambers. See if you're right."
Nodding, she noticed the hesitation in him to move, and then he walked back to the open car door.
Dean finished removing what he needed to, and then lifted out the driver's seat with ease. Setting it on the ground so that the underneath faced up, he could now see that someone had altered the underside of the seat to hide something inside it. "Huh. Your granddad was…"
"A crafty son of a bitch," she answered, sliding off the hood and stepping closer to him then. "Wish he was still around. He would've liked you."
"Sounded liked I would've liked him too." Smirking a little, he crouched down a bit and just removed a piece that was not at all original to the bottom of the seat. "Well, here's to a crafty son of a bitch then, because I've been everywhere else in your car, so why not up the ass end of a seat?"
She laughed at the remark, watching as he reached up into the seat with an odd look on his face. "Anything?"
Eyes widening as he felt something that ran along a bar at the edge of the seat, he looked up at Manda for a second with a bit of a smirk."Yahtzee."
Watching as Dean clearly fiddled around with something inside the seat for a moment and then as he pulled his hand out, Manda saw the somewhat odd silver object in his hand. "Is that… is that an angel blade?"
"Looks like the one Cass whipped out in a pissing contest before," Dean answered, using an innuendo to joke about it. "Don't ask me where he hides it either. I haven't figured that out." Looking at the angel blade in his hand, he wasn't going to say it out loud but he was relieved she'd been right. Relieved that Eliot had been smart enough to hide it somewhere and made sure she'd known about without being told. And then he was just thankful it was in her possession now, because at least it would help her if she needed it. He was almost certain she would need it soon enough.
Manda tipped her head, thinking about it for a second, wondering where Castiel would actually hide his own angel blade. "Probably in the same place he tucks those wings of his… somewhere under that trench coat."
Standing up straight then, he just nodded and held out the angel blade to her. "Probably… so, um, guess I should put your seat back in now…"
Taking it from him, she could see he still wasn't ready to talk to her about what they needed to. "Yeah, guess so," she replied, walking back to lean against the side of her car by the tire.
Dean lifted up the seat and then went about putting it back in place without saying anything else to her. When he finished, he doubled checked the bolts and then sat in the seat himself to make sure it was as secure as it should be. Not that he doubted his work, but he needed to make sure she would be safe in it, especially now. "Seat's all good," he told her, getting out of her Chevelle and closing the door behind him.
"Great. Thanks." Manda was sitting on the hood again, holding the angel blade in one hand, looking at it with wonder. She'd been sitting on it for years without knowing she had it, and now was unsure if it would even matter that she had it or that it would help her at all.
"Don't mention it." Dean came up and sat next to her. He noticed she was no longer just holding his jacket closed but was wearing it. Even though she'd left it undone, it still was big enough on her to hide the visible sign of her pregnant state at the moment.
Sneaking a look at him then, she noticed he left barely an inch between them. "If it'll help you and Sam at all, take it," she said, holding the angel blade out to him.
Looking at her like she had lost her mind, he shook his head. "No frigging way. You think I'd take the one thing that might help you out now, Manda? Because if this is why angels were always supposed to come after you, you need that blade. Your granddad might have wanted you to have it, but I… I…" he paused for a moment, the harshness in his voice faltering as looked directly at her mid section and then back at her with sadness in his eyes. "I need you to have it," he quickly admitted. "Because if you gotta stab one of those holier than thou sons of bitches to stay alive and keep the kid safe, you do it."
Studying him for a moment, she gave up and put the blade on against her leg on the other side of her. "How's it gonna help me? In a few more weeks I'm not gonna be able to kick an angel's ass. Maybe I'll have enough time to blast their asses home with that blood sigil you taught me, but fighting one and using that blade? I'm good, but you were right, I'm beyond vulnerable like this… one good hit, one wrong land and that's it – baby and me are done for."
Dean remained silent, looked away from her then. "Don't know about that… you took on three demons by yourself already, and you hit me earlier with no problem at all," he snapped back at her, and it came out bitter and a little harder than he wanted it to.
Manda took a deep breath trying not to let him get to her that way again. "I know this is a handful to digest for you, and I don't want to fight with you again, Winchester, but if that's what you need to do, go on, get it over with. Yell, say whatever the hell you gotta say to me, just don't be surprised if this time you end up unconscious."
"A handful to digest? Wish that was all it was," he scoffed, giving her a serious sidelong glance. But he knew she meant what she said. He'd heard the warning in her voice, and while he knew she'd stand her ground against him, he could tell she just didn't actually want to fight again. Neither did he. "Why the hell didn't you just call me, Chambers?" he asked her point blank then. "After everything else, why didn't you just call and tell me?"
Manda turned her head to look at him. "I wanted to," she replied honestly. "Tried to so many times, but I didn't know how to tell you, Dean."
"Saying 'I'm pregnant' would have done the job," he uttered a bit sarcastically, looking back at her then.
"Yeah, and then you would've asked if it was yours and the second I said yes, you would've hung up on me because this is the last thing you need right now."
"Maybe so… but hey, it's not like I wouldn't have called you back a week later, or at least after one hell of a bender."
She rolled her eyes and then looked away. "More like you would have tracked me down and shown up without a word to give me a piece of your mind. I know you, Winchester. Maybe it would've taken you a week or a month, but I'd be seeing you in person after that call."
"Yeah… well, sweetheart, you'd owe me a little face-to-face and a word or two on that one," Dean stated. He stopped looking at her, stared straight ahead of him instead and crossed his arms to stop from wanting to hit something now. "We have history and then some to consider. It's not like I'm some random douche who slept with you once and hightailed it out of bed two minutes after you fell asleep, is it?"
"No, you're just the guy trying to stop the apocalypse or he'll be staring in it," she shot back a little harshly. "So think about that for a second and then ask me again how the hell I was supposed to tell you without tearing you apart over what to do and who to choose. You really think I'm about to ask you to give into Michael to save us or if you have the time to change diapers and play daddy while you fend off heaven and hell? I know what's at stake here. My… our child's life is just a tiny part of it, and right now you have bigger things to worry about."
Dean didn't say anything. That point was loud and clear, and it was true. So maybe she'd been trying to spare him that, but it still hurt. Still hurt even though he somewhat realized what it must have been like for her when she found out she was pregnant and that it still hadn't stopped her from doing this. He slid off her hood then, took a step forward and turned back to face her. "So that's it? I don't get a say? I'm your baby's father, Manda. So you tell me how the hell I'm not supposed to worry about this… about both of you?" His voice got a little louder as he nearly yelled and still it broke slightly.
Jumping down from the hood, she stood in front of him. "No, you don't get a say. I really didn't either, Dean. It's not like I wanted to get pregnant, didn't this baby when I found out I was either, but…" Her voice faltered, and then her eyes misted over. "But fate deals you a hand and things change, right? Those demons…" Manda just looked at him with utter sadness, a tear rolled down her cheek.
So that's how it was, and to hear her admit that much hurt. But now he knew that was why she'd gotten so mad at him inside, because she hadn't wanted their child at first either. "What did they do?" he asked, seeing the pain written all over her then. There were a million other questions he wanted to ask about everything she'd just said, but that was the only one he could get out as he saw that tear streak down her face. "Because I swear on my car… I'll find them."
Wiping at another soundless tear, she just tried to shove down all the emotions, but her face twisted with a sob that wanted to come out and then she turned around on him, choking on it. "I didn't know what to do, from the moment I knew I wished I wasn't pregnant at all, and the scale kept tipping towards not having this kid. Then those demons got a hold of me a day later. They knew who I was, knew I should've been dead after what that other one did to me but that Sam had used his mojo and I lived. Knew you and me had a thing at that time, Dean. They thought I might know where you two were now… not like I'd tell them crap. But three against one, and I don't have a knife like yours so you know they beat the hell outta me. One of them flicked a hand at some point, sent me flying into a table…" she trailed off. She looked down at the swell of her stomach and then rubbed it lovingly under his jacket.
Dean stood there with his arms folded in front of him listening to her. He wanted nothing more than to just pull her close, but doing that now wouldn't change what had happened, and he needed to hear the rest of it. "Aw, hell, Chambers. Tell me you didn't get hit there," he uttered with a weird tone, the anger in him was there towards the demons, but the love he felt for her was also now there. So he swore to himself then that somehow he'd find the three demons that had done it and they'd pay for everything they'd done.
"Just luck of the draw that I caught it in the stomach. So I made a choice in that instant because maternal instinct or something else kicked in with the pain. All I wanted to do then was protect the baby growing inside of me, but I couldn't let those demons know I was pregnant or with who's kid, could I? So I blocked it out, prayed that hit wouldn't cause me to miscarry in the meantime, and then did what I had to do to get the hell out of there. It took awhile because they messed up my one arm bad, and I could feel that something wasn't right, there was a sharp pain in my gut and I could feel there was some bleeding going on… all I could think was I wasn't going to lose more family to those evil bastards. They weren't getting to take this from me, or from you. They almost did. I barely made it to the hospital. Passed out just inside the doors. The doctors weren't sure the baby would pull through, and who knows if it was my stubborn genes or yours, or if it was just fate, but our kid hung on and survived against the odds. So I don't regret making that choice that day."
A tear from each of his eyes rolled down Dean's cheeks as she finished speaking. All the anger he'd felt earlier was gone as the heartbreak in him and the way he felt about her took over. He didn't know what to say then. Couldn't imagine how hard all of that had been on her at the time, or what she'd endured to get out of that situation with the demons or what came after it, but he'd heard every bit of the pain she'd felt in her voice, knew she'd been silently crying as she spoke. But there had also been the moment he'd heard how much she already loved their child, and how he'd understood in that second why she was doing this, why she'd chosen to go ahead and have their child. Demons had destroyed both their families once upon a time, and she would be damned if she let it happen again. He knew he would too. "Manda…" He took one step closer to her, reached out to put a hand on her shoulder. "Come here," he softly said, needing to hold her close to him now. She needed the comfort now, and so did he if he was honest about it.
Turning around to look at him, she saw the remnants of tears streaked down his face, the sadness in his eyes as he looked back into hers. "Dean… I'm sorry," she whispered, her eyes welling again. "So sorry."
"It's okay," he murmured pulling her in for a hug then. He felt her sort of fold in his arms, her face press into his shoulder, and then as she sort of cried against him. "It's okay, baby." He kissed the side of her head and just held her tightly against him.
"It's not," Manda murmured through tears. She pulled her head back and looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "It's really not, because that wasn't all that happened, and that's not the only reason why I disappeared. There's something else you still need to know…"
Notes: So... a few things became a little clearer in this one. Dean got to learn what happened to Manda, and to understand why she made the choice she did and why she had to hide. Their talk might not have been all that you as a reader hoped for, but it had to start somewhere, and I hope that how they fell into it was true to how I've always written their moments. Neither one was going to push that talk, so having the angel blade be found was the route I took to get them there... and it needed to have all the elements their talks usually do – a bit of comic relief, a bit of emotion, a bit of awkwardness, and just them. So fingers crossed it went down that way.
Maybe there should have been more to that talk, but... there is still more coming. There is still more Dean doesn't know yet, and how much he gets to know is up for debate at this point... like will Manda fess up to Zachariah knowing? Will she tell him about the other hunters? Will she even come clean as to what else she knows?
As always, thanks for reading! And of course I hope you liked it! Please feel free to comment or favourite or follow... it's much appreciated and sometimes helps me realize I need to write quicker, or more, or better, or just gives me that push to stick with the story when I feel like giving up again. It's been fun sharing it on both sites, and hopefully you've enjoyed reading it!
Next chapter comes whenever that is... lots of work to do on it. Will aim for the usual 3 to 4 weeks it usually takes.