A/N: This fic is written for the Dasey Holiday Fic Exchange 2020 and dedicated to the wonderful UntoldGalaxies.

I need to thank Evendale, MJ0310, jjore and especially Titzy for helping me out with various aspects of this story. I would not have been able to do this without you guys.

I know this is a long ass chapter but it is close to my heart (and has a lot of flashbacks 😉). So thank you to any of you who chooses to give this story a chance. Enjoy. :)

"HEY! Wake up!"

"Go AWAY"

The knocking on the door now grows into loud bangs. "Like hell I am !"

"Urghhh"

"I'm literally going to drag your sorry ass to the coffee shop if I have to. You hear me?"

The notion of Casey saying ass has the effect of Derek waking up immediately. It is amusing how his half-hearted fights with Casey still makes his nerves alive even in a year that has been nothing but miserable.

Derek turns in his bed, putting a hand up to his eyes trying to shield the rays of sunlight coming from his apartment window. His head hurts incessantly. At this point, he is not even sure anymore if he is hungover this morning like he was the day before and the one before that. He is past caring. He looks at the table clock. Damn! It is past noon. He is needed at the crew meeting of his next renovation project by 5 in the afternoon but none of his muscles have any willingness to move. He just feels tired, so so tired and that has nothing to do with his physical woes.

Casey's voice comes through the door again. "Do you want me to knock down your precious apartment's door? Do I need to call 911 to send me a fucking bulldozer to run it down?"

There it is again. Casey saying fucking casually in a conversation, probably not even realising she has said it. All because she is worried about Derek.

"I am coming. I. Am. Coming. Stop fucking shouting, Case. Your voice can be heard from fucking London." Derek imagines Casey smirking at this point. Pleased with herself having woken Derek up despite the curse words now being hurled at her. The fact that Casey doesn't retort anything back reinforces Derek's point in his head. He finally sits up, the move making his bones ache. He stretches and feels his shoulders and necks clamp. It is going to be a long day for him although he is starting it when half the day is already over. He makes his way to the bathroom in his boxers, his feet cold on the marble floor. He keeps circling his arms and moving his neck clockwise and anti-clockwise trying to ease up some of the tension there.

As he looks at his reflection in the bathroom mirror he feels unfazed, though the person who looks back at him seems nothing like the person who once used to be so careful about his appearance. His hair dry and matty, he now has dark circles around his eyes, Derek even notices some lines close to his nose and eyes. He feels like he has aged a decade in the past year. The thought of the past year makes his stomach clench. A wave of nausea grips him. Derek sharply takes in a few breaths and realises he needs to focus on something else or he'd be consumed in his dark hole before he even gets the chance to walk out the door to greet Casey.

Casey! Casey! Derek tries to gather all his energy and divert them to his manic little step sister. He wonders how she would react to those adjectives being used about her and almost smiles at the impending punch to his shoulder from Casey.

Derek thinks back to the drunken night he had spent with his friends and Casey in their home back in Canada. If he had to choose a time when his bond with Casey significantly shifted it'd be that night.

Sheldon Schlepper had made a grand declaration of love for Emily in the school cafeteria that morning. The entire school had cheered for them as they had kissed. Derek had made a mock show of irritation. Back at the McDonald-Venturi living room, Sheldon was now singing to his new girlfriend holding an empty beer bottle in his hand using it as a mic. George, Nora and the kids were away for a weekend trip. Emily and Casey were lounging on the couch while Derek was half lying in his armchair. Sam sipped his beer occasionally with his back against a cupboard looking at Sheldon's singing figure with mild amusement. The room felt slightly chilly. Sheldon only had eyes for Emily as he sat at the foot of her side of the couch and sang, "I won't give up on us/ Even if the sky gets rough/ I'm giving you all my love." Emily looked dreamy, her face blissful.

As Derek looked at the pair, he felt a pang of jealousy. He never had been one who believed in romantic gestures, he had never even considered love on a realistic plane. He assumed when people were attracted to each other long enough to stick around for more than a couple of dates they termed it as being in love. To him commitment was something that put an invisible chain around a person's existence. He valued his independence too much to commit to another human, to be answerable for his actions to another person. He always thought his own parents' marriage didn't work because they had become too codependent. He had known relationships to be a phenomenon that only diminished a person's individuality. But as he saw Sheldon and Emily gazing at each other and humming their song together, he realised he might have been wrong. He might have been wrong all along. Maybe love was not something that brought a person down but something that lifted a person up. Emily did not look like she was being bound up, she looked like her heart had just been set free. She seemed to be at peace as her eyes were fixed on Sheldon's bobbing head, full of adoration.

When Sheldon finished his rather unsynchronized singing, Derek heard Casey sniffling. He knew Casey was more than instrumental in pushing Sheldon in finally getting him to make his move. He peered at Casey, that girl was still a mystery to him, a puzzle he loved finding the pieces of. He hoped one day he would be able to arrange all those precious pieces. Casey was a sappy woman, she had known the depth of Sheldon and Emily's feelings for each other even before they had known it themselves. Derek realised once again how very different he and Casey were. He would never have noticed the tension between the pair if it were put on a neon light board but Casey had. She always did. It made Derek wonder feelings of how many other people Casey knew about, even before they realised it themselves.

Sam put his bottle up to cheer, "You stole my heart, Schlpper. I'd have married you if you sang like that to me." He joked but all of them knew he had meant it too. Sheldon had stolen a bit of all of their hearts. Sam slurred a little as he continued, "Do you know what I'd sing if I ever fell in love?"

"Oh to the alien who would descend on Earth after you spend a decade sending them your love signals?", Derek couldn't help but tease his best friend whenever he could.

Sam being accustomed to Derek's second nature of insulting the people closest to him, paid absolutely no heed to his words and began in a high pitch his rendition, "It's youuu... It's always you…"

Casey's eyes widened for a bit at Sam's high volume singing, the others were taken aback as well but soon both Emily and Casey's faces broke into huge smiles. They looked lovingly at another addition to their sap group. They were a bunch of hopeless romantics and they were both touched and proud that Sam was just as corny as they were. Sheldon lightly rested his head against Emily's knee as Casey got up to get some more snacks. Sam continued singing,"Met a lot of people... But nobody feels like you... ooh oh"

Casey tripped a little as she crossed Derek's chair, Derek reached out instinctively but she had already recovered. In the dimmed light of their living room, Derek discerned that they were all a bit drunk at that point. He cherished these rare nights of freedom and this night was more remarkable than others because Casey had agreed to drink in celebration of the new couple.

Sam finished his song with an elaborate bow. It was what Emily said next that caught Derek by surprise. "What would you sing for your girl when you fall in love Derek?" Emily looked sheepish as Derek tried to make sense of why he was being dragged into their sap group. His drunk brain made it harder for him to concentrate. He wondered if Emily was only asking rhetorically but soon realised her question was serious. Derek had never felt enough attachment towards any of his ex-girlfriends to sing for them. His charm and appearance always seemed to be enough to seduce them and let them remain captured with his magnetism.

Derek looked around the living room and saw three pairs of curious eyes looking back at him. He was aware Casey too must have heard Emily's question from the dining table. He sure as hell was not going to back down when Casey was in the room, so he tried to be smug. He sported his infamous smirk and answered, "Sorry but that I will only sing for that person." As he answered he sensed Casey rolling his eyes beside him. She had reappeared beside his armchair with her bowl of nachos.

Casey snorted and laced her voice with sugar, "Oh Der Bear, are you scared to tell us? Are you scared to let us know that you don't have enough emotional quotient to have a song for your future girl, your soulmate?"

Derek scowled at her. He liked it when Casey challenged him but it frustrated him when he didn't have a prompt answer to shoot back at her. Their relationship was based on their back and forth attacks on each other, each word often containing dual meanings. He sometimes wondered if there ever was a time when they used to speak to each other without any ulterior meaning behind every phrase, or used to gaze at each other without silently communicating through their eyes. He wondered if there ever was a time when Casey stood close to him and the air did not get charged up between them or her arm brushed against his and he did not feel a jolt of current charging through him.

Since facing defeat was not an option he decided to improvise and put up an act of confidence as he so often did. He jumped up from his chair and grabbed Casey by her shoulders, whirled her around, and pushed her down on his armchair. Casey gasped audibly, the bowl of snacks still in her hand. Derek bent down, put his hands on the handles of the chair, and hovered over her face. He realised the rest of the group was now gaping at them but no one dared to utter a word. Sam had shifted towards the couch to get a better look at the duo.

"First of all, it does not have to be a girl." Derek drawled. Derek saw from the corner of his eyes Sheldon and Emily exchanging confused looks. Sam looked stricken, though Derek suspected he might have had some clues by now. But Casey's reaction made Derek surprised. He had expected her eyes to bulge out or at least her jaw to drop open. He never thought she'd disapprove or think any less of him but he always supposed she'd at least be shell shocked with such a revelation. Derek himself had no idea why he had announced it at that moment. Was it a spur of the moment? Was he only improvising and keeping up his act of confidence or was it actually about time? He had not been sure of the truth of his reality for a painfully long time. He had been confused, not to mention frustrated. There were hundreds of questions he had no answers to. It was only recently that he had decided to be gentle with himself in that regard and tried using the term bisexual while referring to himself. It still made him feel undecided, befuddled, and unsure of who he was. He concluded the reason he had made that declaration at that moment was because he finally was ready to face his truth surrounded by the people closest to him. He deduced that saying it out loud looking into the eyes of the person he trusted with his life would make it undeniably real and he was not looking to postpone the inevitable any further.

Casey's reaction left Derek stunned. He waited for her to drown him with a hundred questions or shower him with words of encouragement for deciding to come out to them. But she did neither. She looked at him like nothing had happened, like Derek was not holding his breath and being uncharacteristically nervous inside. She only gazed at him without blinking, her blue eyes boring into his very soul. Derek suddenly surmised Casey must have known. His step-sister must have known his truth before he had been able to deduce it himself, just like she had known about Sheldon and Emily. Derek wondered how long she had known, whether she was waiting for him to come out by himself, or whether she had planned to push him to realise it one of these days.

Casey nodded her head subtly urging him to continue his speech and Derek remembered the next point he had to make, "second of all," he looked intently into Casey's eyes as he sang, "You say it best when you say nothing at all..." She gaped at him.

"Hey! Did you fall asleep AGAIN?" Casey's voice bellows through the door. She is admonishing him but Derek doesn't miss the worry and tinge of fear underneath it. She must have guessed that Derek is falling into his hell hole again and she is correct yet again. Derek feels amused that for all the things Casey does know she still remains clueless as to how much she helps him without even trying. Derek has never voiced or admitted it and hence Casey has never known or believed that she has been his anchor all along, through every thunderstorm.

Derek walks back to the doorway to his bathroom, still ginger from his minor anxiety attack that he had experienced moments prior. He yells, "Give me just a couple more minutes Case and I will be there."

"You better be."

Derek brushes his teeth and then takes a quick shower. His head keeps pounding but he does his best to ignore it. He pulls on his jeans and a sweatshirt in record time and wonders what the day would have looked like if Casey had not come to wake him up and save his day yet again. As he looks for his keys and cell phone he realises this past year Casey has been the one who brought him back from the brink of collapse on more occasions than one. He owed her that entire year. Truth be told he owed her his sanity.

Before opening the door Derek rubs his fingers across his forehead trying to keep the aching there at bay. He opens the door and greets the top of Casey's head while she keeps looking at her wristwatch. When she finally looks up, Derek doesn't know what to make of her expression before she starts speaking, "You know you could have been a gentleman for once and let me in before you went on to do your ablution." Derek furrows his brow wondering why couldn't this woman use English words. Casey continues, "I have been standing here for half an hour while you were brushing your teeth? Where are your manners, Derek Venturi? Oh, right you aren't capable of having any. Do you realise I was starting to freak out?" Derek mouths 'no kidding'. "I have been trying to call you all morning. I cancelled half my court appointments for today because I had to come to wake you up in the middle of the fucking day. You're getting on my nerves, Venturi. One of these days I am going to bind you to a chair, handcuff you and" Derek imagines the scene in his head and instantly blushes, "and electrocute you until you get over… What the..? Why are you grinning?"

Derek holds her by her shoulders, the act causing Casey's rants to falter and he turns her. Derek gently pushes her saying, "Let's GO Nutcase." Derek thanks his lucky stars that Casey complies without further lectures.

They leave Derek's apartment building and start walking towards a coffee shop around the block. Casey's left arm encircles Derek's elbow, it gives her support while walking on the moist streets of NYC. Derek draws strength from her touch and with each step he takes in her embrace, he feels his head clear little by little. Even surrounded by the foggy gloom of the city Casey beacons like a source of light and strength for him.

There was a time when he did not let Casey hug him or touch him but their drunken night in the living room back in Canada had strengthened their bond in such a way that he was no longer afraid to show her his vulnerabilities, the facets of himself that scared him and made him insecure. Casey somehow always understood him even though Derek had let almost all his internal turmoil remain unspoken. Casey had always seen right through him.

"You know we never got to the part where you tell us what you'll sing to your soulmate." Derek drawled as they cleaned up their dining table after the house party. Casey picked up the empty chips packets and put them in a trash bag pretending not to have heard him.

"You know I'll find it out anyway, right? Mmm I wonder is it written in your secret pink diary highlighted in fluorescent orange and green? Probably I should find it and put it on a hoarding in the school hall. Our next anthem." Derk put up his arms in the air like he was holding up a banner.

Casey rolled her eyes but didn't budge, "If you put up the same energy to make your assignments in time maybe you'd be able to graduate in a single try."

"Oh now I see what's the issue", Derek put his index finger under his chin pretending to think, then pointed it at Casey, "With all your lectures of emotional quotient you yourself don't have a song for your soulmate, do you?" Derek clasped his hands and snorted, "Oh this is good !"

But soon his laughter died down as he looked at Casey's slightly widened eyes. He realised a little too late that he had struck a nerve. He tried making damage control, but Casey beat him to it. "No. You're right, Derek. I don't have a song. You know why?"

Derek regretted his offensive words spoken casually, with each word Casey uttered. "It's because I don't think I'll ever find a soulmate. I think no one will ever truly be able to understand or appreciate who I am. More importantly, I don't think anyone will stick around after realising how annoying I can be." Casey held up her hand as Derek tried to protest."I never dared to reserve a song for my soulmate because I never believed I deserved one. Yes, I might be a romantic at heart but that doesn't necessarily mean I think I'll have a fairytale romance. In fact, I know I wouldn't." Casey sharply drew in a breath.

Derek gaped at her. This was the same woman who had not one hour ago handled his coming out with more ease than he ever could have imagined. Derek always deduced Casey had her life figured right up to the exact moment she would fall in love head over heels. He had never even considered the possibility that she entertained the thought of not finding her person. Derek might not have believed in love for himself or in the marriage of his parents but without a doubt, he believed in love for Casey, in Casey's universe.

He saw Casey shaking while cleaning up after her rant. Derek was grateful for Casey's presence in his life though he would never admit it even if his life was on the line. But he was especially grateful to her for her acceptance of him that evening. He knew he had to do something to make her feel better, to let her know how wrong she was. So Derek rounded the table, came up in front of her and brought her in for a hug before he could change his mind.

Casey was so taken aback that she stood absolutely still for several moments until her brain caught up to reality. It took her a few more seconds to finally ever so slowly bring her arms up and place them on Derek's back. Casey reciprocated the hug as Derek whispered in her ear, "I never thought you are annoying"

Casey pushes open the cafe door and a scent of a mixture of freshly baked muffins and ground coffee hits her nostrils. She realises she has not eaten anything since the night before. The recent property settlement case is keeping her on her toes and skipping breakfast sometimes seems to her to be an efficient method of saving time. Derek and she have walked together to the cafe in amiable silence but now she is yearning to get some food into both their systems and get the boy to open up.

It is an everyday effort with Derek. Somedays Casey wins and some days Derek shuts her out and she just can't get him to talk. Over the last year, Casey has discovered that the only way to truly save Derek is to find ways to keep him talking or in any case to keep him distracted enough from plunging into his darkness. She has after a battle of months been able to make him promise to send her a message every morning to let her know that he has gotten up from bed and has started his day. Unfortunately more than a couple of times a month that message wouldn't come and Casey would have to come knocking on his door to make sure he is doing alright and not indulging in day drinking and wallowing in distress. She had not received the message this morning but she had been relieved to see his face when he greeted her at the door, he seemed as fragile as he has for a while but he also looked like he was willing to face the day with her by his side.

Since it is the middle of the day the cafe is not bustling with people. A few college kids and an elderly couple are the only persons present. Casey and Derek find one of their favourite seats empty and head towards it.

"You need a decaf, Derek. You look like you have been hungover for a decade."

"I feel like that too." Derek laughs wryly. Casey shakes her head and curses under her breath. She has to put a cap on his drinking. God! She hated having the same conversation over and over again with this boy. Derek had refused to go to 'useless' A.A. meetings time and again. Truth be told Derek refused almost all kinds of help Casey has tried to offer him politely. He only lets her hang out with him and eat his head up with her lectures to get him over his misery but nothing else.

"Were you drinking by yourself last night? Or did you decide to have one of your nighttime adventures again?"

"How does that matter Case? I felt miserable after returning from work. That empty apartment was too much for me. I felt like the darkness would eat me up. So I drank, I drank some more, and the next thing I know you're hollering through my door." Derek runs an exasperated hand through his hair. "I don't know if I stayed home or if I went out and was so wasted that I screwed up the tires of somebody's car."

"Hey? I know you are never that drunk, okay? I just get worried about you. You know that." Casey's heart breaks seeing Derek's distress but she has vowed to herself and to him that she wouldn't treat him with sympathy. He has made it abundantly clear that he wants none of that. All he desires is her company.

"Yes, I know that Grandma," Derek smirks at her and Casey is ready to throw some insult back at him when a waiter comes to take their order. Derek orders his decaf, Casey orders a glass of orange juice and they both ask for a big ham sandwich. To hell with healthy food, Casey is hungry!

Derek fiddles with the napkin as Casey debates what would be the best way to approach the sensitive matter that needed to be discussed. In the end, she realises there is no easy way of doing it. Derek's life is already in shambles, the sooner the mess will be cleared up, the faster he will be able to move on. Thus she begins without preamble, "So.. uhm... Justin called me up again. He needs to know when we can sit down for a meeting to get your business divided up properly. This has been long overdue and he said that apparently his patience is running thin."

Derek sharply looks up at her and takes several seconds to process the topic that has been raised, the abominable name that has been used by Casey, the dreaded issue that is required to be settled. Casey wills him to take the time he needs, she knows better than to push him. Her stomach turns into a knot every time she has to urge Derek to talk about Justin. She battles with an array of conflicting emotions. She feels envy, dread, sadness, and helplessness all at the same time. It becomes increasingly harder to keep her own feelings for Derek at bay while dealing with his feelings for Justin. She tries her best not to think about Derek's sentiments towards Justin and pushes it into a corner of her mind reserved specifically for that purpose and silences the voice in her head trying to remind her what Justin has meant to Derek until last year… and what she hasn't.

"Did he call because you are my attorney? Or because you're my step-sister?" Derek finally utters through gritted teeth.

Casey blinks trying to gauge why that was what bothered him at that moment. "I.. uhm.. I think because I am your attorney? But probably also because we used to be friends at some point until.. until you know.." Casey stammers at the last part not wanting to say the obvious in so many words.

"Until the divorce," Derek says matter of factly.

"Yeah until that." Casey waves at the air trying to feign being casual about it, determined not to show Derek that her heart breaks for him every time she has to talk about it. Derek might have been crushed, his soul left tattered but it has not been easy on Casey either witnessing her Derek fall in love, eventually losing it, and falling down the road of his personal hell. The divorce did not just ruin the lives of Derek and her old friend Justin but it ruined Casey to a considerable extent as well.

"So he wants to break the business up, right? Is that what all his nagging and fussing is about? That's all that fucking matters to him after all this time? Well fine by me. He'll fucking get his part of the business with a 'have a great life ahead card' and then we can all go on our merry ways." Derek sounds hysteric. He looks around the cafe, then sips his water and starts fidgeting with his napkin and cutlery once again as he waits for Casey's response.

Casey takes a deep breath in steadying herself, "It's not that he wants to divide the business. It was your mutual decision and you know it, Derek." Casey feels like she is becoming her mother pointing out all the logical things in a conversation, "You both knew it would be next to impossible to continue to work together after you.. you know.. fell apart." She stumbled at the ending yet again. Damn it! She is not supposed to let Derek know that this whole mess affects her at all.

Derek squints his eyes at Casey as if trying to determine who she is. He is about to say something when their food arrives. So he growls in a whisper, "Oh you're defending him now? That's new."

"No Derek, that is not new." Casey has anticipated his spite. She adopts a stern voice as she takes a swig of her juice, she moves her head closer to him across the table, "I know better than anyone that you don't hold any grudges against him. You are hurting like hell, yes! But you don't hate him. You don't even have any reason to."

"Bull shit," Derek mutters before diverting his gaze to his sandwich and avoids Casey completely as he starts eating, looking anywhere but at her.

Casey rests her back on her chair and starts eating, half pleased with herself knowing she has won this round of the battle of making Derek see the truth for what it is. No matter the string of mixed feelings she has to deal with within herself whenever the issue of Justin and Derek comes up, she sure as hell is not going to sit around to see one of her former friends being accused of acts he has not committed, not even when it comes to Derek Venturi.

"You want to go see the hockey game tonight?" Casey knows now is the time to change the topic of the conversation. Derek looks up at her and his expression tells her she has made the right decision.

"I don't know Spacey. I have a crew meeting with plumbers and electricians for a house I'm renovating. It was built in the '30s. It has a hell of a lot of work to be planned and discussed and et cetera." Derek says while munching on his food.

"That's alright. I could come over to your place after work and we could watch online."

"Naah Case! Maybe another time." Casey knows all too well why he would not meet her after sundown. Whiskey has become his confidant of sorts since the divorce. Casey has so far been discreet in her attempts to help him through it. She does not believe in forcing anyone to do anything, even getting help, if they themselves do not want it.

At this point she looks at him intently, she notices the growing dark circles under his eyes, the fading playful look on his face, she sees his skin has gotten paler. It tugs at her heart knowing even though his appearance has continuously worsened, the scar in his heart is cutting him way deeper than Derek will ever even admit to himself. Casey decides to push it this time, "I am coming over tonight and I will watch the game there. You can bore yourself to sleep or you can watch it with me."

Derek mouths 'what the fu..' but recovers himself before he says too much. He presses his mouth in a thin line and puts his elbows on the table, "Fine. Then I am going out tonight. You can come over but I won't be back before dawn."

"Oh really? Going out with whom?" Casey knew Derek has been avoiding his friends who are also Justin's friends ever since the divorce.

"With people I met on a dating app."

"Spending the night dancing with random people from a dating app is more appealing to you than watching the game with me?" Casey gives him a dramatic pout.

"You.." Derek wags his index finger at her, "and you accuse me of playing dirty?"

Casey puts her nose high up in the air completely denying whatever Derek means by that.

"Fine. Bring some nachos too. I'll set up the screen."

Casey's face breaks out into a grin and she finishes up her sandwich with renewed vigour. They call for the check soon afterwards. Out in the street, Casey tells Derek to behave himself until they meet again, earning her a yank of her hair like they're in middle school. After some screeching from Casey and laughter from Derek they head to their workplaces.

Casey gets into her car and sees Derek drive away in her rearview mirror. She lets out a breath and sits in the driver's seat unmoving for several seconds. With her eyes closed, she tries to ground herself in the present. These encounters with Derek, seeing him grow fragile every day, fighting and failing his demons exhausts her. She wishes she could crush those demons on his behalf once and for all and get done with it. But she knows or rather has gotten to know through her own life and turbulences that there is no shortcut to recovery. She knows it's a long, agonizingly slow process that needs to be endured step by step, day after day.

Casey sighs heavily knowing the road ahead is going to be rough for both Derek and her. She knows she needs to be the pillar for him and for that she needs to keep her sanity intact. Casey unlocks her phone and dials a number.

"Hello there Casey. How are you doing today?" comes a gentle female voice across the phone.

"I'm alright Doctor. Uhm.. well no. I am not entirely alright." Casey admits.

"I see. Do you need a session over the phone?"

"Actually Doctor I think I need an in-person session. Can I come to see you in an hour?" Casey adds, "I know this is last minute and you must be busy on a weekday with other appointments."

"Let me check my schedule for a moment." the line goes silent for a couple of seconds, "You know what? Come see me in an hour, it's my lunchtime and I can make room for you for today."

"Oh! I don't want to take up your break time."

"It's my job Casey and I am more than happy to help." The voice of the doctor remains as soothing as ever.

Casey thanks her and hangs up. She breathes a sigh of relief and starts driving her car towards the chamber of her therapist. It's in another part of the city. She once again appreciates having found a great doctor who is not only suited to her needs but also flexible with her time. She internally thanks her beloved counsellor Paul who was the one who had recommended Dr. Jones to her years ago when she had moved to NYC.

She takes a left turn listening to the radio when her mind goes back to Derek, their conversation over lunch, and eventually unwittingly towards his relationship with Justin. Those memories are always bittersweet for her to revisit.

It was a school day and the house was filled with chatter from the breakfast table. As Casey came down the stairs she could already hear Edwin and Lizzie fighting over eating manners. Casey entered the kitchen and saw Marti getting smarmy with George so that he wouldn't make her eat broccoli. Casey greeted everyone with a good morning but apparently, they were all too busy to respond. She went over to her mom who was packing her tiffin for the day.

"Mom, you remember I am supposed to go to Ralph's birthday party tonight with Em?"

Nora paid half attention to her and nodded yes.

"So I need the car tonight and I don't want any arguments again with Derek."

"Why are you telling me that honey? Shouldn't you settle that with Derek? I thought you two already had a weekly arrangement."

"Mom!" Casey exclaimed in mild exasperation."I'm telling you this because he is a toddler and couldn't care less about an arrangement I've made him sign on. I need you on my team."

"Oh, sweetheart you know I'm in nobody's team."

Casey tried to protest but then saw Derek enter the kitchen yawning and scratching his head. He still had not showered when Casey was properly dressed for school already. Casey shook her head at the lack of routine in the lives of the Venturi clan.

"Mr. Derek Venturi I am taking the Prince today and I want no more discussion over it." Casey tried her luck and pretended she was confident in her stance.

Derek gave her a nonchalant shrug and proceeded to pour milk over his bowl of cereal, "No luck Princess. I am taking it tonight. I have a date."

Casey looked at him with curiosity and surprise. He had not really gone on a date since he came out. Casey had assumed Derek was still figuring his own self out. She had tried to help him, offering to talk and be supportive, but of course, he had just smirked at her saying he did not need dating advice from her out of all people.

Nora did the honors for Casey. "Who are you going on a date with Derek?" Derek's coming out was a surprising turn of events for the whole family. Nora and George now clearly walked on eggshells when dealing with Derek's dating life. They went out of their ways to make sure they didn't say anything that could even remotely hurt Derek or appear to him to be judgmental.

"He's actually a cousin of Nick."

"Oh, I remember Nick. He's the vice-captain of your hockey team. He's sweet. He gave me a candy bar at your last game." Marti chimed in.

"Yes, Smarti. That Nick." Derek reached out and ruffled Marti's hair, "So yeah! It was in that last game that Justin.. umm, Nick's cousin had come to see us play. He came to the locker room afterwards and we got to talking about sports and other stuff. Well.. he was cool and he knew so much about the bands I love. He also said that he loves old buildings and their structures fascinate him and.."

As Derek recounted his first meet with Justin, Casey caught a faint blush on his cheeks. She felt an unusual sensation in her stomach. Casey was happy that Derek was going out again. At times when Derek was not getting on her nerves, she could bring herself to feel happy for his joys. But she also had a sinking feeling. Derek hardly ever gushed about his partners, let alone someone he had only met a handful of times.

"That's wonderful son!" George patted Derek on the back and exchanged a look of understanding with Nora, "I am sure you two would have a great date."

"Does that mean you have a buoyyfriend now Derek?" Edwin perked up, clearly not willing to let go of a rare chance of teasing his brother. But a glare from Derek promptly shut him up.

Lizzie, on the other hand, went over to Derek, gave him a side hug and said, "You're brave Derek. I'm happy for you." The action momentarily left Derek speechless.

He soon found his voice and thanked his parents and sisters. He glanced at Casey eventually with anticipation in his eyes. Casey realised she had not spoken a word in a while. "Alright, you can take the Prince." That is all Casey managed to say and started leaving for school.

Casey caught Derek giving her a confused look. She had no idea what it was that Derek had hoped for her to say. She was proud of him for having come out but it still took her a lot of effort to be alright with the notion of seeing him going on a date. She did not know exactly what bothered her, neither was she eager to find out. But her conscience refused to let Derek go on a first date with a boy for the first time while mulling over why Casey had not wished him luck. They might make each other's blood boil almost all the time but they also depended on each other. Through their undefined bond, they shared a mutual trust and respect that transcended beyond their silly pranks and bickerings.

She found him in the school hallway that day during one of their break times and pulled on his elbow to grab his attention.

"Have you forgotten your way to the library Spacey?" Derek smirked at her.

Casey rolled her eyes, "Are you incapable of beginning a conversation in a civilised manner?"

"No. You are incapable of keeping your head out of the philosophy books on How To Resist The Charm of Your Step Brother."

"Der-ek !" That made Derek laugh heartily. He had clearly been successful at bringing a rise out of her.

Casey took a breath in and began again, "Listen you idiot, I came here to tell you I'm glad you're going out on dates again. It's been a while and Justin sounds like a great guy."

"Oh, so I have your approval Grandma?" Derek laughed again, put an arm around Casey's shoulder, and started walking toward their next class,

"Do you have anything to give him on the date?"

"Give him what?"

"A gift. You idiot"

"He is not a girl Case. I don't need to bring him chocolates like I did with my ex-girlfriends."

Casey looked at the strange creature beside her with shock. "Are you for real? What the hell Derek! Are you telling me boys don't enjoy chocolates just because they are boys?"

"Language Casey!" Derek said, amused. "I meant I don't think boys want a grand gesture or something. I know I don't."

"That's because none of your ex-es brought anything for you. What has this patriarchy done to us! Also, I'm not even talking about grand gestures, I'm only talking about a gesture."

Derek looked at her and seemed to make a decision, "Only because it's my first date with a guy, I am going to take your advice, Case. If it blows up on my face and I embarrass myself, it's on you."

"I take full responsibility." Casey smiled at him. She could tell he was nervous and wanted that date to turn out to be a good one. "Do you have any idea what you're gonna get him though?"

"The gloves I wore on my last hockey game?"

"Noo Derek. Just no!" Disgusted, Casey tried to come up with a solution herself, thinking back to Derek's description of Justin. "I know what you should give him. You can give him a book on Ontario's oldest buildings. I'm guessing both of you would love to discuss more about it."

Derek seemed to like her choice. He squeezed her shoulder and gave her one of his rare warm smiles, "Thanks for the help Case. I appreciate it. But don't tell anyone I said that."

"It's going up on the school hoarding," Casey called at his back as they entered their class.

It was close to midnight when Casey finally heard the faint sound of the Prince parking in their garage. Casey had gone to Ralph's party, felt queasy, and had returned home early. She had tried reading a book but could hardly focus. She kept glancing at the clock wondering what Justin and Derek were doing at that moment. She pondered whether she had always been this restless when Derek went on a date or was this a recent development because they had grown considerably closer since their drunk night in the living room. She had tried to fall asleep but in vain. She had a strange feeling about Justin. She had not met him yet but for some reason, she felt that this was not going to be one of Derek's casual adventures. She had a feeling that he was here to stay.

The staircase creaked. Casey jumped out of her bed and pulled open her door audibly. Derek gasped and took a step back from his door. "Geez Case! You fucking scared me."

"Sorry I was just checking if you came back home safely," Casey whispered.

Derek gave her such a disbelieving look that Casy was sure Derek thought that she was getting sick. Casey waved her hand and leaned against the wall between Derek and her room trying to act casual.

"Yeah Nutcase. I am back home in one piece." She liked it when he called her that. But that night it somehow felt wrong hearing him say that, right after he had a date with another person. In her head, Casey felt they were not supposed to call each other affectionately, not when he was dating another guy.

"How was the date, Derek?" Casey asked, still pretending to act indifferent. She genuinely hoped he had spent a good time with Justin. She only wished it didn't bother her so much if he had. She tried to drown out her thoughts. "Did he like the book?"

"Fuck Case! He loved it," Derek's face lit up in glee, "He even got me a mixtape of all his favourite metal rock songs."

"I knew he is a great guy. He had brought a gift of his own volition unlike you who had to be pestered to do it by his step-sister."

"Yeah, I see that now." Derek rolled his eyes but smiled too. "That was a good date, Case. I realised I was missing out on so much in life. I liked being out with a guy." Derek paused, "I liked being out with him."

Casey's heart swelled up and sank at the same time. "So did you sing your song?" She twirled a loose string of her top in her left fingers.

"What song?" Derek gave her a confused look.

"You say it besttt" Casey tried mimicking his voice to tease him, "when you say nothing at all."

He laughed out loud, though he kept it to a whisper so as not to wake up the rest of the family. "Oh damn no! Geez, we were in a public place. If I started singing there, especially without a guitar and our band to back me up, he would have run away on our very first date,"

He continued laughing silently and entered his room. He turned around and said, "I'm not taking any risks with this one, Spacey."

Casey enters the parking of her therapist's chamber. She sighs at the memories flooding her brain. It always amuses her how almost every moment of the past makes her feel that that was an easier phase in her life. The day Derek went on his first date with Justin had made her so restless, yet looking back now she feels she was so much younger on that day, she was freer, she feels life was easier because she was clueless about her feelings back then. As Casey reaches the sterile, quaint floor of the chamber she realises she is wrong as always. Life was not easier back then. Life was just as much hard as she could deal with then. Life probably is still the same.

Casey sits down on the couch opposite Dr. Jones. She looks out of the enormous window of the Doctor's chamber and admires the skyline of NYC briefly. The feel of the leather armrest under her fingers and the constant mild buzz of the air conditioner ground her to the present.

Dr. Jones asks Casey in her ever so neutral voice, "How was your week Casey ?"

Casey closes her eyes for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. She then looks at her doctor and says, "I don't know... fine I guess."

"You did not sound fine when you asked for an unscheduled session today."

"No. I guess I didn't. I.. I feel tired."

"Do you feel physically tired? Or mentally? Or is it both?"

"I'm afraid I feel both. My work has become so demanding lately. I've several meetings with partners of the firm, court dates and client meets every day. On top of all that Derek refuses to cooperate. It's been over a year and he continues to reject all the help that I offer to him. I look at him and all I notice is that he is gradually getting worse. It scares me. It.. it makes me feel like I'm failing him."

Dr. Jones crosses her legs and asks, "Why do you feel like you are failing him?"

"I feel as if I'm not putting enough effort to help him. I keep thinking I should do more, push him more to open up and let me support him."

"Do you think pushing him further would yield better results?"

"No, I have never even believed in forcing anyone to do anything for that matter. But.. I feel so useless sitting around waiting for him to accept my help." Casey buries her head in her hands, scared to face her reality. "Yet I know if I force him into letting me help him, he would only build up higher barriers around himself. I'm worried that would, in turn, destroy all the progress I've so far made with him."

"So you do feel like you have made progress with Derek?"

Casey looks up at the doctor again and says timidly, "I mean I think so. Yes", She sits up straighter on her couch. "He texts me that he has gotten out of bed to head to work almost every day now. He attends family gatherings now without us having to plead with him. He even smiles a little bit more often now.. at least around me. That is progress, right?"

"Do you think that's progress ?"

Casey ponders over the question for a second and says determinedly, "Yes. Yes, I do."

"Then why do you still feel scared Casey?"

Casey sighs and slumps against the back of the couch, "I feel like all the progress we have made is only because I keep insisting on being around him as much as I can. If I won't be around him to pick him up every time, I fear he'll spiral into his dark hole in no time."

"Do you think he is dependent on you for his mental equilibrium?"

"Yes, I think he is. But I'm also dependent on him for mine." Casey's eyes widen as she becomes aware of what she has just said. She realises she is not scared that Derek would not recover from his divorce. She is scared of the day he would recover and would no more need her to be his pillar of courage and optimism. "Oh God! I'm so selfish."

"What makes you say that Casey?"

"I understand now that I'm not helping him to save him. I'm helping him to keep him close."

"We have discussed your feelings towards Derek before. Would you like for us to discuss it again?"

Casey's stomach sinks at the thought of that particular discussion she once had with her therapist when Derek was still married. She vehemently shakes her head indicating a no.

"Would you then like to tell me why your desire to keep Derek close makes you feel you are selfish?"

"Isn't it obvious Doc? I'm selfish because I'm taking advantage of his vulnerability and keeping myself attached to his life in the name of helping him." Casey feels slightly irritated, therapy is not always fun. Though often she feels at peace after visiting her doctor, at times she also feels frustrated at the repetitive questions her doctor seems to ask her.

"Do you think he would let you stay close to him if he did not seek your help?"

"No. Probably not." Casey feels lighter at that question. Therapy is not not fun either.

"We would have to end this session here Casey. But I would circle back to your initial query once before we finish," Dr. Jones clasps her palms in her lap, "What do you think you can do to make yourself feel less tired?"

Casey returns Dr. Jones's gaze, "I would try not to put myself or my wants down maybe?"

"Right. You would not punish yourself for being a human or for having feelings."

As Casey walks out of the chamber she deduces that maybe she does not need to feel like she is betraying Derek by helping him while also striving to protect her own emotions. She realises those two phenomena need not be mutually exclusive, they can exist simultaneously in her heart. Derek has made some significant progress with her assistance in the past year. Casey needs to feel proud of that and stop focussing on her guilt of not providing him selfless care. Her guilt would only hinder the stability of her life and her process of helping Derek. She takes in a few deep breaths, trying to let go of her negative emotions. The fact that she will see Derek later that evening fills her with anticipation. She wonders if she will ever tire of meeting him, of being able to be in his radar. She sighs softly, there is only one answer to that question and she knows it.

A/N

: This is my first time writing a story. Moreover, English is not my first language.

Needless to say I am nervous about this one. If you enjoyed reading it, please don't forget to let me know your thoughts. I'd love to hear them.