("I'm not bulletproof when it comes to you
Don't know what to say when you make me the enemy
After the war's won, there's always a next one
I'm not bulletproof when it comes to you."
"Maybe I'll crash into you
Maybe we'll open these wounds
We're only alive if we bruise
So I'll lay down this armor."
"I will surrender tonight
Before we both lose this fight
Take my defenses, all my defenses
I lay down this armor.")
- Landon Austin, "Armor"
January, 2017
6th year, age 18
"There's a bomb on a plane that is heading for a city, where it will be dropped." Eric explained, throwing the specs of the plane up on the large screen from his tablet as the team prepared for their next mock mission. "The pilot, engineers, and several guards are still on the plane. You'll need to take control of the craft, get the bomb from where it is waiting to be released, and release it early into the ocean so that it doesn't explode in a city or on the plane."
"Smackle and I will be on coms guiding you through the craft and helping you fly the plane and use the controls after you take control of it," Farkle informed them.
"What are our delegations?" Lucas inquired, adjusting his stimulator.
"That's up to your team leader," Eric gestured towards Josh. "He's guiding the whole mission this time."
This was news to Josh, but he had been trained for these kinds of surprise decisions. He glanced around at the whole team, who were staring at him expectantly. "Alright." He considered a moment. "So it looks like we'll need three teams. One to take out the pilot and take control of the plane, one to get to the controls and take over from the engineers, and one to get to the cargo hold and release the bomb. And we have a time limit, so it will all have to be done efficiently. Can I see that?" He took the tablet from Eric and looked down at it, turning over the specs of the plane and viewing the different areas. "It looks like if we start in the center of the plane, we can split into pairs. Riley, you know how to pilot, right?" He asked, knowing that his sister had taken a flight elective. "You'll take out the pilot and take control of the aircraft. Lucas, you'll take care of the engineers and take the control room. You two will start out together and then split off. Maya," he turned to the blonde, "you and I are on the bomb release. We'll need to get to the cargo hold to let the bomb drop before we get to land and before it goes off. Lucas will need to open the doors and lower the ramp from the control room."
"What's our extraction?" Riley asked.
"Parachutes," Josh suggested.
"But if we're over the ocean-"
"I assume we'll have extraction pick up?" Josh turned to Eric.
"For the purposes of the mock, yes," Eric agreed. "Just get out of the plane."
"Farkle, Smackle," Josh directed his attention to the Science & Tech pair, "Farkle will need to guide us through the plane. Smackle, you'll be on specs to help Riley or Lucas with the piloting or controls." He looked around at his team. "Everyone clear?" When the group nodded, he looked to Eric. "Put us in."
As the room around them began to fade into the program, Josh took a deep breath, closing his eyes to orient himself.
"Riley, Lucas, you're going to want to go north towards the stairwell. Maya, Josh, go the opposite way down the hall."
Josh headed the way that Farkle had directed him, Maya on his heels. "Lucas, you'll need to get the doors open before we get to the cargo hold."
"Doing my best, I'll let you know when I'm in."
Josh and Maya turned a corner, following Farkle's directions, and froze, startled, at the four men in front of them.
"I don't like surprise guards," Josh grunted, and Maya rolled her eyes.
"Get to the cargo hold," she said, staring straight at the approaching guards as she grabbed her switchblade from her hip.
"Maya," Josh disbelieved, "you can't handle-"
"Don't tell me what I can and can't do," Maya said, eyeing him out of the corner of her vision. "I've done this before and I can do it again. You get to the cargo hold and release the bomb. You know that I don't have the strength to hold it up, but I can-"
"Maya," Josh glared at her, as the guards headed for them. "Don't do something stupid."
"This is our mission and you're the leader," Maya reminded him. "Make the hard choice for the job, Josh. I can handle myself."
Josh stared at her for a second and then cursed, backing up to head around the corner. "Meet me in the cargo hold as soon as possible!" He held a hand to his ear and ordered Farkle, "Find me another way into the cargo hold, our way was compromised."
"Another way in?" Farkle asked incredulously. "I can't just find you- oh. Uh. Yeah."
"Farkle," Josh ordered, "guide me. Where am I going?"
"Turn right, you're going around the back way and you'll be able to drop into the wheel well and climb between through to the wall of the hold, but you'll have to get through the wall."
"Not a problem," Josh agreed, curving right as he listened to their science member's instructions from where he was stationed with Smackle.
"Josh."
Josh stopped at the tone of voice in his ear. "Maya?"
"He's got a gun."
"What?!" Josh asked, turning around as he began to sprint back down the hallway towards where he had left Maya. "Lucas, redirect, I need you to release the bomb from the cargo hold. Smackle-"
"I'm stuck at the controls," Lucas said. "I can't get there in time."
"Josh, keep going!" Riley said. "You're the only one who can get there! I'll head back around as soon as I can."
"Maya," Josh asked desperately, "are you alright?" Part of him was screaming 'go to the cargo hold, this is your mission, nothing matters more than the job'. The other part of him was imagining Maya stuck in that hallway with an armed guard shooting her down. He was frozen solid in place, trying to think of his next move, when the sound of a gunshot echoed loud over their coms.
"Maya?" Riley asked frantically. "Josh, I can't get there now!"
The second gunshot went off, and Josh sprang into action, racing back down the hallway towards Maya. "I'm going back, I've got her. Lucas, get to the cargo hold!" He held a hand to his ear, hoping to hear Maya's voice. "Maya?!"
"I'm fine Josh," Maya's voice was breathless, her breathing ragged and harsh, "get to the damn cargo hold and finish the mission."
"Tell me you weren't shot," Josh ordered, not going back as he continued his sprint towards Maya.
Maya didn't answer, and it made Josh's stomach drop as he turned the corner and saw her sitting against the wall, her hand pressed against her torso.
Covered in blood.
"Maya!" Josh rushed towards her and crouched down. "How bad is it?!"
Maya yelped when Josh touched her, and she jolted away, her jaw clenching as she shook. "Get to the damn cargo hold, leader!" She hissed.
Josh swallowed hard, frozen in place as he watched Maya's hand getting redder and redder as more blood spilled out.
"Get to the cargo hold!" Maya growled. "I can take care of myself! Do your job!"
"Josh, that bomb is going off in three minutes and either we, or an entire city are all going to be blown up if you don't release it," Riley urged.
"You can make it if you go now," Farkle said. "I'm rerouting you through the hall you were originally supposed to go down if the guards are gone."
Josh cursed, and stood up. "I'll be back for you," he promised her. As he charged down the hall, he said into his coms, "Riley, get to Maya as soon as you automate the flight path to the target area."
"I will," Riley assured him. "I'll get to Maya in four minutes tops."
As he approached the cargo hold doors, they opened before him, and he silently thanked Lucas. He hurried down the ramp, grabbing the active bomb off the floor as he said, "Lucas, I need the cargo hold to open now."
"Lowering it," Lucas said, and the ramp began to lower, letting freezing cold whipping air into the hold.
Josh held on to the wall as he let go of the bomb, watching it roll down the ramp and get caught by the wind, and gone, into the ocean. "Released," Josh said, and he heard Lucas and Riley both sigh in relief.
"Okay, we need to get to the parachutes and get out of here," Lucas said.
"Riley, Maya, what's your status?" Josh asked, heading back towards where he had left the blonde.
"Josh," Riley informed him hesitantly, "Maya is gone."
"What?!" Josh asked, breaking into a run as he turned the corner and Riley came into view, standing over a puddle of blood where Maya used to be. He blinked at her, frantic. "She was right here!"
"We need to get out of here," Lucas's voice took on a tone of urgency. "This plane is going down whether or not we're still on it."
"Damn it!" Josh punched a hand against the wall, frustrated. He glared down at the puddle of blood, and then raised his eyes to his sister. "There's nothing we can do. We need to get to Lucas."
"No, get to the cargo hold," Lucas said. "I'm leaving the ramp down and bringing the chutes to you guys. Meet me there in 30 seconds."
"Come on," Josh ordered, and he and Riley set on a dead sprint back down to where Josh had just been. Lucas met them at the door, and the team pulled on the parachutes. Josh slammed the door open and they all sprinted towards the open ramp, where the wind was whipping and ready to take them down into the sky. But even before they had reached it, the program and their parachutes started to fade away.
Josh, Riley, and Lucas found themselves in the back of the large mock room, panting as they slowed to stop, and Josh looked towards the front of the room where Maya was standing with her arms crossed, next to Eric, who had just ended the mock.
"You completed your mission," Eric called across the room. "Well done."
As the group headed towards the front of the room and got closer to Eric and Maya, Josh noticed two expressions. Eric was conflicted; Maya was pissed.
"You need to work on some things, but I'll have your reports written up within the hour and you can go through them on your own this afternoon," Eric informed them. "Go back to your dorms; shower, rest."
Maya turned on her heel and stalked away, pulling her stimulator off her neck and placing it on the wall as she passed, to the exit. Josh followed, ignoring the look that Lucas and Riley were giving each other. He pulled off his stimulator and put it on the wall as he hurried to catch up to Maya. They had made it out to the entryway of the Mocks building before Josh grabbed her arm to stop her. She turned, her eyes blazing.
"You died?!" Josh fumed, and Maya narrowed her eyes at him.
"You nearly failed the whole damn mission because you thought I couldn't handle myself!" She argued. "I can handle myself, Josh! I'm best in my damn class, I don't need-"
"You DIED, Maya!" Josh roared, furious. "That doesn't qualify as 'handling yourself' in my book, and I'm the leader here."
"That's right, you are the leader," Maya shot back. "You're the leader of the whole team and the whole mission. You nearly killed everyone because you couldn't let me do what I needed to to succeed in the mission!"
"I'm not going to leave you to die! That's not what we do, we're a team!" Josh barked, clenching his fists. He was doing his damn best to not grab her and shake her - shake some sense into her. "You were reckless, and stupid. You should have run as soon as you saw that gun-"
"You were reckless!" Maya steamed, poking her finger at his chest. "You nearly killed everyone! Nothing matters more than the job! Especially not one member for the other three!"
"This is not a game of 'who will be the first sacrifice'," Josh declared, glaring down at her. "This isn't a game of 'who is more important to the team'. I'm the leader, and I'm not leaving any of you to die!"
"Then do your damn job!" Maya nearly shrieked. "I don't need you to try to save me, Josh! I'm not some child, I'm not a little girl. I'm the best in my class - not the best girl, the best. I'm better than Lucas and Riley, and I don't need you to risk everything to save me like I'm some damsel in distress." She whipped around to head for the door to the main training grounds.
"Maya, don't you dare walk away from me," Josh growled.
"What are you going to do?" Maya challenged as she opened the door. "Handcuff me to a radiator?" She snorted as she left the entryway and walked outside, heading towards her dorms.
Josh felt his arms flexing as he worked to slow his heartbeat, and he turned to see Riley and Lucas staring at him. "Don't," he warned, before heading out the door to his own dorms.
Riley found him in the auditorium, where he was sitting alone in a sea of empty seats. Her feet echoed loudly around the room on the stairs, and Josh tried to feel the ripple of sound moving around his head.
"I've been looking for you," she informed him from the aisle, not bothering to squeeze through seats to where he was, in the middle of the row.
"You've succeeded in your mission," he snorted, not looking up from his papers.
"Why are you in here, anyways?" She questioned, looking around at the high ceiling and the large stage.
Josh considered lying to her; but what was the point of that? She was his little sister, his teammate, and she had long given up on tattling on him.
"I'm reading my eval," he admitted. "You know how we let Maya get killed during the last mock?" He snorted. "Well, according to the instructor, that was the right thing to do in order to succeed in our mission. She was an 'acceptable casualty' in a 'successful mission'."
"It was a training exercise," Riley pointed out. "We're not really going to let Maya be killed."
"But it's good to know that we won't be held accountable if we do," Josh stated sarcastically. He closed the file and finally looked up at his sister. "What are you doing here?"
"Maya needs you," Riley informed him, and he frowned.
"Last time we talked, she made it pretty damn clear that she didn't need me."
"Just…" Riley paused. "Just trust me, okay? She needs you."
Josh groaned internally, cursing whatever it was inside of him that tugged him to go to her. It was that one little string that was hanging on and building strength; a string he was not supposed to have.
He got up, maneuvering down the row and pushing past his sister to start up the aisle.
"You know, you don't fool me, Josh," Riley called to her brother, and Josh didn't turn around.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You do care," she said, and Josh stopped.
"Caring is a disadvantage," he reminded her, his voice stoney.
"Good speech," Riley clapped her hands a few times, "who taught you that one - Mom? The one who has a husband and kids?"
He heaved an annoyed breath, starting to remember why he didn't usually willingly spend time with his little sister. He turned around and stalked the quick ten steps to stop right in front of her.
"Don't provoke me, Riley," he warned, and Riley rolled her eyes.
"I'm sure that works on all those other kids who see you as the 'cool detached lonely boy', but seriously," she raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms, "I think we all know you don't have the guts to hurt me."
'It's not the guts,' he thought, 'it's the attachment.'
"If they keep poking a bear, eventually it will even hurt it's young."
"Mhmm," Riley rolled her eyes again. "I'll take my chances."
Josh closed his eyes for a beat and clenched his jaw, breathing deeply to control himself before turning away and blocking out anything else she said, as he left the auditorium.
Josh stopped in front of Maya's door, considering knocking. But, if, like Riley had said, she really needed him, she probably wouldn't open the door for him.
So he pushed the door open himself and entered the room.
The blonde girl was sitting in her desk chair, faced away from Josh. Whatever it was she had been doing before this seemingly unprovoked emotional shut down was thrown on her bed, and her head was bent down, as if defeated.
"I told Riley I didn't want you," Maya said, a hint of a sniffle underlying her words.
"Then I'll leave," Josh agreed. He turned to go, but groaned and cursed himself internally, realizing Riley's choice of words had been very deliberate; she had said need, not want. So instead of leaving, he shut the door behind himself and moved to lean against Maya's dresser, a few feet from where she was still crunched in her chair.
"I thought you were a man of your word," Maya reminded him, "and you just straight-up lied to me."
"I'm not going until you tell me what's wrong," Josh declared.
Maya's head came up, but she didn't turn around. "Then it's going to be a long night for you, Matthews."
He glanced around her room, at the mess of clothes on the floor, blanket crumpled and pushed down to the foot of the bed, the desk covered in papers and colored pencils.
"What if I guess it right?" Josh suggested, knowing Maya didn't usually shy away from a game.
She heaved a deep sigh, and finally turned to face him. Her hair was mussed around her face, and her nose was a little pink - the only sign that she had been holding tears in.
"Ten questions," Maya agreed reluctantly. "And if you don't get it right, you leave."
Josh nodded, thinking through his options. "Is it your period?" He guessed first.
Maya rolled her eyes. "I hope not all your questions will be this stupid."
"Is it related to school?" Josh continued, taking her answer as a no.
"No," Maya answered, picking up an elastic band that was on her desk and beginning to tie her hair back in a braid.
"Is it related to friends?" He guessed, and Maya shook her head.
"What friends? Riley? Lucas?" She snorted. "I don't have enough friends to have a problem with."
"Is it related to family?" Josh continued.
Maya hesitated, reluctant to give an answer, which Josh knew was a yes.
"Is it your mother?" He asked.
She pursed her lips. "I don't want to play anymore."
"You agreed to ten questions," Josh reminded her. "That means I get five more questions."
She closed her mouth, swallowing in an annoyed way. "Fine. Yes, it has to do with my mother."
"Is she sick?" Josh asked, and Maya laughed a little, in a bitter way.
"Nope."
"Did you have an argument?"
"I haven't talked to my mother in five years," Maya reminded him. "That's a no."
"She's not sick…" Josh stopped, not wanting to ask the question, but needing to finish the game. "Is she… is she dead, Maya?"
Maya's face twisted, and she swiveled her chair back around to face the wall.
Josh quieted. He had won the game… but had he wanted to win the game?
Maya was silent, facing away from him so that he couldn't see her face. Her braid was abandoned, half done and not tied at the end, and her hair shook a little with her shoulders.
"I'm sorry, Maya," Josh said quietly. "Are you okay?"
"Yes," Maya said, nodding her head hard. "I'm fine. My mother didn't care about me at all. She relinquished her rights to me when I was twelve. She decided then that she didn't want to be my mother anymore."
"Just because she wasn't a good person, or you didn't care for her," Josh explained, "doesn't mean you can't be sad about her death."
"Yes it does," Maya bit out, her voice wavering. "I hated her. She was awful and she wasn't my mother. I can't be sad about someone I hated being dead."
"She was still your biological mother; she still raised you until you were twelve," Josh pointed out, seeing right through Maya's anger.
He'd known Maya long enough, and well enough, to understand that she often replaced more complicated emotions with anger - whether it be grief, embarrassment, even love. They were easier to control and use, if they were anger.
Josh knew that firsthand.
"Do you know how it happened?" He asked.
"She took a hot shot," Maya stated shortly. "Who knows who gave it to her, or if she was just stupid enough and drugged up enough to not care what went into her body anymore."
"She made poor decisions in life," Josh observed. "But Maya, you didn't continue that cycle of violence. Look where you are now. You're on your way to being one of the most highly ranked elite agents in the country - and you've come a long way socially too."
"I'm not a damn psychology project," Maya snapped.
"You started here with no friends, no allies, closed up inside of yourself and terrified of being hurt," Josh responded. He took a step forward. "But look how far you've come with Riley, Lucas, even me. Look how far I've come with you, too."
Maya pursed her lips, her blue eyes flickering up to his.
"I know that I can't fix the death of your mother or figure out your conflicting feelings surrounding her," Josh took a breath, "but I'm here for you, to help. That's what a team does."
Josh watched her as her eyes fell to the floor. He wasn't trying to read her mind right now; he didn't want her to feel exposed. He wanted her to feel safe.
He nodded to her, and turned towards the door to leave her alone. "I'm here whenever you need me."
"Can you stay?" Maya asked, her voice so soft and timid that Josh almost didn't hear it, or recognize it at first. It was so unlike Maya, but he turned to see her staring at him intensely.
He nodded, but didn't speak, just went to sit down on her bed, letting her be.
As they sat together in silence, in companionship, Josh felt the string on his heart get stronger.
An emotional complication.
But how was he supposed to control it?
A/N: Ok I loved the middle sections of this chapter (it was actually one of the first parts I wrote for this book but I had to get them to this section to put it up, that's why this chapter was so long) but the rest of it isn't ideal. The emotions between Joshaya are *chef's kiss* but my writing is eh. Plus Riley seeing through him and being his little sister, and Josh struggling with his emotions, and Maya getting angry with him, and! I'm excited.
Now that I've gotten them to this place I have another part already written out for them for the end of the year but I need to elaborate Rucas first. We will get there though. (It's one of my other favorite scenes!)
I'm behind on homework as usual so I don't expect to have a set schedule of updates but when I don't want to do homework, I write pieces that interest me (the problem is then that I have to tie those pieces together haha). I'll try to get an update going on Anecdoche too.
Please review! This chapter may or not be the best but I'm not sure how objective I can be.
Kisses,
C