("Boys, they're handsome and strong
But always the first to tell me I'm wrong
Boys try to tame me, I know
They tell me I'm weird and won't let it go."

"No, I'm fine, I'm lying on the floor again.
Cracked door, I always want to let you in.
Even after all that shit, I'm resilient."

"A princess doesn't cry
A princess doesn't cry
Burning like a fire, you feel it all inside,
But wipe your teary eyes."

"'Cause princesses don't cry.")

- CARYS, "Princesses Don't Cry"

May 2017

4th year, age 17

"Where have you been, lately?" Riley asked, throwing a punch at the foam pads Josh was holding on his hands.

"Watch your footwork," Josh noticed, not answering. "Your hips are frozen."

Riley twisted her body, loosening up her waist, before planting her feet and throwing her shoulder into her next punch. "I feel like I haven't seen you all month."

"I've been in meetings with administration, prepping for graduation and stuff," Josh dismissed.

"All the time?" Riley accused, narrowing her eyes as she threw another punch and then flipped around to swing a kick.

"I've been training with Maya in the mornings," Josh added. "Homework in the afternoons. Things keep getting faster, I've only got a month left." He threw the pads up to block his face when Riley swung another kick a little higher.

"I don't see Maya a lot anymore either," Riley recalled, thinking back over the past month. "Just in mocks and class sessions."

"Let's spar," Josh suggested, changing the subject as he put down the pads on a bench and began to stretch out his body. "I need the exercise."

"Do you remember that day in the gym in my first year?" Riley asked, stepping onto the sparring mat as Josh pulled off his sweatshirt.

"You're going to have to be way more specific," Josh pointed out, "considering we had about 365 of those in your first year."

"The day you pushed me to overextend myself," Riley clarified, straightening as Josh stepped onto the mat. "You made me do 95 when I should have been doing 80. Then I ended up in the infirmary."

"You were in the infirmary a lot in your first year," Josh pointed out, pausing in his speech as they began to spar and he took first shot offense, "you can't blame me."

"First year I was just trying to survive without looking like the weakling nepotism charity case," Riley argued, dodging a kick by turning around Josh and hitting him from behind.

"And now look at you," Josh said, grinning as he watched Riley plant a hand on the ground and flip under his raised leg before he could land a kick. He swiveled around to keep his eyes on her as she came up behind him, but before he could reorient, Riley had twisted his arm under him and pulled him around on the floor. He grunted at the position and seemed to mentally run over his options, before deciding on, "Yield."

Riley released his arms and sat back on her knees, brushing her hair out of her eyes and wiping sweat off her brow. Josh sat up, massaging his upper arm as he raised an eyebrow at his sister.

"Maya teach you that move?"

"Probably, last year or something." Riley considered a moment. "We haven't been sparring a lot recently. She always seems busy, I don't know."

Truthfully, Riley felt that Maya was hiding something from her. She and Maya had never had secrets from each other - just like she and Lucas didn't - because it hindered her ability to trust and their ability to work together. And Riley knew Maya didn't lie to her - it wasn't so much that Maya was a bad liar or a good liar, Riley just had a way of knowing when someone was being flat out untruthful. Sometimes it was an asset. Sometimes, a curse.

So even though Maya wasn't lying to her outright, something was off with her. Riley didn't doubt that she had homework and specialist training, but she always had. Riley and Maya used to do those together. They were opposites and held different strengths and weaknesses, which was why they worked so well together.

Riley tried not to think about it too hard; she and Maya didn't have to be together all the time, and she was probably just being paranoid. Maya was a hard worker, she always had been.

Plus, Maya seemed happier, and less stressed than she had been in past years. Their team was clicking well. They excelled in all their operations mocks, had passed recent mock separated interrogations, and Eric was just as happy as Riley at the fact that each of them were growing to know each other so well that they could predict their moves and words without hesitation. As for Farkle and Smackle, they never disappointed with their knowledge and competence in the moment of need. Riley had noticed them maturing, and though they still had some… social challenges, they didn't hinder their ability to be just what the team needed.

Everything was going perfect. Everyone was succeeding, everyone was getting along, everyone was accomplishing exactly what the intention of their team had been.

And so of course, that's when everything started to fall apart.

"I thought there was supposed to be some kind of ceremony," Lucas admitted, examining Josh's new badge before passing it over to Riley. "Like a high school graduation or something."

Opening the badge, Riley glanced inside to see Josh's photo and identification: "Supervisory Special Agent Joshua Matthews, ID number 2017002, Clearance level 8, Elite Peach".

"That's not really the Operations Academy's style," Josh admitted, taking the badge back.

The four were walking across campus back to their dorms to discuss their summer training and course plans in a private room after watching Josh receive his 'diploma equivalent'. Lucas seemed disappointed at the letdown, though Riley hadn't really expected much. They didn't go to a public school; they didn't even go to an actual high school. They were all there to be trained for one job, and once they were, they were immediately released into the system for assignments on a communications agent's caseload. It wasn't like there was an interview or a grace period, something else they had to do to become full agents. They had their clearance and they got the same assignments that older agents got.

"How does it feel to be a fully-fledged government spy, Supervisory Special Agent Joshua Matthews?" Maya asked teasingly, nudging his arm.

Josh snorted. "Honestly? Not that different from being an AIC."

"Not much change to look forward to then," Riley muttered, glancing away. There weren't many people out on the common grounds at the moment; most were either preparing to leave campus for the summer, receiving their badges, or just going about business as usual.

Lucas was right; it felt unceremonial to Riley. She didn't know why she expected some big change. And it was starting to feel like graduating and passing exit exams next year was just going to be like every year.

She wasn't going to feel any different - she wouldn't feel some sense of accomplishment, purpose. This was it.

It made her feelings on the future feel dull.

"Well, I think we need a celebration of our own," Maya announced, and Riley looked over at her best friend, taking her eyes off of her feet, that she had been focused on. The blonde looked around at the other three. "Anyone else in?"

Riley wasn't really in the mood for a celebration.

"Sorry, I have to go to the library to get the assigned books for my courses," Lucas apologized. "Summer classes start tomorrow. And I'm taking way too many. What are you taking again?"

"Just some tech and medics courses," Maya said. "I'm going to spend most of my time training. I did sign up for some special skill master classes though - aircraft piloting and aquatic vehicle operation."

"So you can take us anywhere," Riley suggested, smiling a little. "I'm just doing a few courses in my weakest languages. It's mostly online and independent coursework though."

"Then you can train with me," Maya suggested, grinning as she moved over to hook Riley's arm on her own.

Riley smiled briefly; maybe the future wasn't so bleak after all.

"I graduated," Josh reminded them bluntly, when they looked to him for his answer.

"Which brings me back to my original question," Maya lit up, "Riley, you up for celebration?"

"Mmm," Riley hummed, thinking it over. "I'm not really in the mood, and I've got some stuff to do. I'm sorry. You two have fun, though."

"Just you and me, then, Agent Matthews," Maya said, looking up at him. "Get ready for fun!"

"Oh great," Josh groaned as Maya pulled him away from the group towards whatever she had planned.

Now alone with Lucas, Riley kept her stride steady and tried not to make any moves to engage. Although they had been working fine together, they didn't talk much on their own outside of their classwork and training. Actually, Riley had been trying to keep her distance, emotionally. Letting herself go unchecked at the operations rave had been a mistake, and she didn't want to give Lucas the wrong impressions.

She had to keep herself from getting attached in the wrong ways.

Don't emotionally compromise yourself.

Nothing matters more than the job.

Distance yourself from the fight.

Actions are only motions.

There is no meaning and no reason to let feelings cloud your thoughts.

Keep your heart beating steady.

Stay focused.

"Do you want to come to the library with me?" Lucas offered, breaking the silence and pulling Riley out of her intense focus on the rules on repeat in her brain.

"Huh?"

"The library," Lucas gestured to their left, "it's this way."

Riley immediately realized that they had arrived at the place where they were to split up - the library was to their left, while the dorms were to the right. She was at a literal crossroads, and she wasn't going to make the wrong choice - the choice that could put herself at unnecessary risk.

"Actually, I have some things to finish in my room," Riley apologized. "But good luck."

Turning away before she could dwindle on his poorly hidden disappointment, she glanced down at her wristband to see her heart beating at 110 bpm.

'You're slipping, Matthews.' She clenched her jaw.

"I don't slip," she whispered to herself, speeding up in her walk towards her room. "I'm not weak, I'm not emotional, I focus."

'Then why is your heart beating so fast?' Her inner voice, which sounded suspiciously like her mother, berated her.

Choosing not to answer so she wouldn't look like a crazy person, she just bit her lip and moved. Actions are only motions.

She knew the rules.

She didn't break the rules.

She could pretend that it was her phone that had woken her up, but it wasn't, really. She had been sort of awake for a few hours; the emptying summer school campus made her feel less steady, somehow, and she hadn't been sleeping well since the academic year ended.

Her mom's name on the screen genuinely surprised her though; her mom didn't message her very often, and if she was messaging her it was something important. Not to mention how early it was. Sliding the message open, her eyes flitted over the words, and her eyes widened, as she sat up and flicked on the light.

'Riley,

August had a case of appendicitis yesterday and your father took him to the emergency room, where they removed it. He's doing fine; recovering well as expected. If you'd like to send him a message, I will relay it.

- Mom'

Something so invasive had never happened before, and considering how young Auggie was, Riley was worried. And she hated being worried. She wanted to go home to see him, make sure he was alright, but there was no way her mom would allow it. What the hell was she supposed to do?

She grabbed a sweater and left her room.

Riley hesitated in front of Maya's door, wondering if she was even awake yet. It was just shy of 5am, and she knew that, in the past, this was when both Maya and Josh had gone to the gym in the mornings.

She chewed on her lip as she contemplated whether or not to knock. Pulling her long sleeved sweater down further over her hands, she sighed and leaned her head against the wall next to Maya's door. She'd never felt this isolated before, and that was saying a lot.

But considering her recent feelings towards Lucas and Maya being busy all the time, it was kind of her fault.

"Definitely… trouble…"

Riley frowned at the words she was able to make out just faintly through the wall in Maya's voice. She pressed her ear closer, hoping to figure out who she was talking to at 5am.

"...if administration… the team?"

She wished Maya would speak louder, but she knew that was unlikely given the time. But the next voice she heard nearly made her heart stop.

"Team is too… administration isn't stupid," Josh said.

Riley's lips parted, her heart pounding in her chest, thinking of all the possibilities that could explain why her brother was in Maya's room at 5am, and only coming up with one that made sense.

"...need to go back to your room before…"

Riley jerked away from the wall at Maya's words, realizing they were about to step outside and see her. She glanced around, wondering if there was any place to hide, and quickly deciding that, no, she didn't want to hide. She wanted to get this out in the open. She wanted them to know that she knew.

So when the door opened and her brother stepped out into the hallway with his hair mussed, same t-shirt and jeans from yesterday, she stood plainly, staring up at the guy she had known her whole life, who had the most stunned expression that she had ever seen on him.

"Riley," escaped his breath, as a hand came up to rub over his mouth, his eyes wide.

"What?" She heard Maya ask from further into the room, as her footsteps traveled towards them until she appeared in the doorway behind him, her face going white.

In her peripheral vision, Riley took in Maya's messy just-woke-up hair and her thin short sleeved pajama t-shirt and shorts, but she didn't move her gaze from Josh's face. It felt like forever, that they all stood there silently, Riley only a few feet from the pair.

Riley had forgotten all about why she had come, and it didn't matter anymore anyways. She turned sharply on her heel and began to walk down the hallway towards her own dorm.

"Riley, wait!" She heard Maya's call and her footsteps running after her, but she didn't stop, not until Maya grabbed her arm.

"I knew you were hiding something from me," Riley accused, trying to keep the betrayal out of her voice as Maya stepped around in front of her to face her.

"I can explain, Riley, please," Maya begged.

Riley had never seen her friend so vulnerable, desperate. But she brushed it aside.

"You want to sleep with my brother? Great," Riley bit out. "Have fun, really. But I'll warn you about him only once. Because when he gets tired of this, whatever this is," she waved her hand up and down at Maya's outfit, "and starts to question if you're really worth throwing away his entire life's training for, don't come crying to me about a broken heart. If you really want to go down this path, don't be surprised when it ends on a cliff. Because there's no happy ending here. Certainly not with him."

"We didn't mean for this to happen," Maya tried.

"I don't want to hear it," Riley cut her off coldly. She and Maya stared face to face, eye to eye, as they traced each other's expressions that they were supposed to read like a book. Her best friend.

To her credit, Maya looked devastated. But that didn't mean she regretted it.

"How long have you been-"

"This is the first time, I swear," Maya answered the question before she could finish. Her eyes pleaded with Riley to understand. "We didn't plan it, it just happened."

"So you're going to stop then?" Riley pointed out, watching as Maya's face flickered in conflict. "Right."

Maya swallowed. "Riley, I just-"

"I hope it's worth it," Riley offered, brushing past Maya to continue down the hallway.

Maya didn't follow.

She was packing, for the first time in a long time. It had been years since she stayed at home for more than a week, and she knew that almost all her clothes left at home wouldn't fit her anymore, so she would need her leisure clothes from school. She'd probably have to go shopping when she got home, too, for some clothes that really fit her. Summer clothes.

She heard the knock on her door, but she didn't stop packing. "Go away, Josh."

"Open the door, Riley," Josh ordered, his voice muffled through the door.

"Why?" Riley snorted, picking up her toiletries and stuffing them into her bag.

"We need to talk," he replied.

Riley considered a moment, wondering what he would do if she simply ignored him. Would he stay there until she left the room, no matter how long it took?

"Riley," Josh warned, and Riley clenched her jaw before crossing the room and pulling open the door.

"You're not my mother," Riley stated, glaring up at him.

"And you're not mine, but we always do this, don't we?" Josh pointed out. "I got Mom's message. I assume that's what you were coming to tell Maya this morning?" He frowned, looking at the mess in the room and the half-packed bags. "Where are you going?"

"Home," Riley stated shortly.

He shook his head in a 'I'm tired of your over-dramatic reactions' expression. "You're not going home."

"Watch me," Riley shot back. She turned around to continue packing.

"Mom wouldn't let you go home for the entire summer," Josh challenged.

"What is she going to do?" Riley argued. "Chain me to a desk? Expel me? She needs me on this team, she's not going to throw away two years of work over one summer."

Josh pursed his lips. "About Maya, then."

"You want to make sure I'm not going to go and tattle on you?" Riley clarified sharply, purposefully using child words. "You jeopardize our team and you want me to keep quiet?"

"I'm calling in my favor," he declared, staring her in the eye.

"Favor," Riley shook her head. "That was over a year ago."

"And I'm calling it in now," Josh asserted, his arms crossing across his chest. "Don't tell the administration. Don't tell Lucas."

"Administration, fine," Riley agreed. "But Lucas is a member of our team."

"I don't care," Josh ordered. "This is my favor. Don't tell anyone."

A moment of silence passed before Riley shook her head slowly. "I wouldn't have expected this from you."

"Expected what?" Josh shot back.

"Breaking the rules, succumbing to an emotional complication," she said. "This isn't you. You're the perfect detached subject that Mom raised."

"You pushed me towards this," Josh said. "I never meant to get involved with her, but you told me that I needed to connect."

"This isn't what I meant," Riley disagreed.

"No, but it's what happened," Josh returned. "And I can't go back now. I can't forget what happened between us. I can't stop feeling this time." He turned to go, but Riley spoke.

"I thought I knew you."

Josh turned back halfway. "I did too."

"Riley. Grace. Matthews."

Riley knew that her mother was most dangerous when her voice went cold and slow, and she was expecting to get some sort of angry conversation with her mother when she got home, but she had reached a point where she didn't care. She needed to be home.

But here was Topanga Matthews, standing in front of her, radiating rage.

"What on earth," she asked, her jaw clenched, "makes you think that it's okay for you to leave campus without permission?"

"It's summer," Riley began to list, "I'm almost seventeen years old, and my brother was sick. He needed me." She stood up in front of her mother, using her height as a subconscious advantage over the woman. She was only about five inches taller than her, and with Topanga's tall heels, the advantage was more like one. But just the fact that Riley was taller than her mother would be enough.

"Stop this tantrum and go back to work," Topanga ordered. "You're not a little girl. You want to be an adult? Do your assignment."

"My assignment says nothing about a requirement to stay at school all summer," Riley argued. "I've read through all the papers. You know whose signature is on the bottom of them?"

"Yours," Topanga interrupted, narrowing her eyes. "You have a job to do. Do it."

"Topanga," a call came from across the room, and both women turned to Cory. "We really need to talk."

"Not now," Topanga shot him down, focusing back on Riley.

"Now," Cory objected, getting up. "Let's go. Our room."

Topanga wavered, obviously not wanting to leave the situation until she had gotten what she wanted. She was Topanga Matthews. She always got what she wanted.

Riley let her gaze fall to the ground, giving her mother the release from the argument she needed to push her towards her husband.

"This conversation isn't over," she declared, before leaving the room to follow her husband.

Riley took a deep breath in and out, before gently perching down on the couch again. She put her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands, and counted her heartbeats, not needing to look at her wristband to know that she was way out of control.

She had thought she had a handle on her emotions. But her mother always seemed to remind her that no matter how long she tried, she would never face up to Topanga Matthews.

She didn't care this time though. Auggie needed her, she didn't need to be on campus for her courses, and she needed space from the bombshell that Josh and Maya had dropped. She didn't want to be caught in the debris. She didn't want to add to it.

There was nothing for her at school right now, and she was staying home this summer.

A/N: As always, sorry for the wait. I got blocked, started writing pieces that will go into waaaay future chapters, and then Intermediate Accounting started to kick my ass.

Then there was a self harm relapse and I shut down. So. There's that.

I'm sorry I didn't do much elaborating on Joshaya's sleeping together. This chapter takes place a month after the last one, so you can assume that Josh and Maya have been having more 'make-out sessions' for the last month and only just took that next step. Don't worry, their relationship will develop in the next few chapters, and we're going to do a Maya chapter explaining her thoughts next. Then we'll check back in on Rucas.

I want to do some more writing on this story and on Anecdoche and on To Write Love on Her Hart, but we all know how inconsistent I am, so if you're depending on me for your GMW fix... please know I am very sorry.

Now it's 2:30am and I have to be up in 4 hours to nanny for a 2yo, so I have made a mistake that I will regret in the morning, but I always write more when I'm emotional or tired. It's my body's way of punishing me. (We have a love-hate relationship).

Anyways, I hope you like this chapter. As always, please review! I like knowing your thoughts, and even a single word keeps me going :)

Kisses,

C