Spencer woke up startled. His heart was racing as sweat dripped down his temples. He shivered as he tried to regain his senses. He felt a hand on his shoulder causing him to jump and lean away in fear.

"Spence, its ok, it's me."

His eyes adjusted to the dark and he saw Emily sitting next to him. Her eyes wide from her own abrupt awakening.

"You're safe. I'm right here. Nothing is going to happen," she assured him as her hand returned to his shoulder.

He nodded his understanding.

"Here," Emily said handing him a glass from the nightstand next to her.

He took the glass and began drinking. He didn't realize how thirsty he was until the cool room temperature liquid slipped down his raw throat. He downed the glass in seconds. He handed Emily the glass as he used the back of his hand to wipe his lips.

"Better?" she asked.

"Yes, thank you," he said softly.

"Lay down," she ordered gently.

Spencer obeyed, sliding back down under the sheets. He turned on his side to face her. Though she was sleeping in the same bed as he was, she was lying on top of the covers with an afghan over herself to keep warm.

She moved closer to him and lifted her hand to run her fingers through his hair soothingly. Spencer felt himself choking up. He shut his eyes tightly as his lip trembled.

"Shhhh," Emily whispered. "Just relax. Don't think about anything. Just focus on your breathing. Be in this moment. Right now, you are safe. Your son is safe. Tomorrow we will make our plan. For now, let yourself get the rest you need and deserve."

"Why?" he whimpered.

"Why what?"

"Why are you so good to me after everything I've done to you?" he said as his eyes opened and a tear slid down his cheek.

"That's what friends do. No matter what I will always fight for you Spencer. I may not always like your behavior, but I will always love you as a person. Nothing you could do will ever change that. Do you understand?"

He nodded as he sniffled.

"Now, do what I said. Close your eyes and get some rest. I'll kick your ass in the morning," she said with a teasing tone.

Spencer gave a small chuckle, but he obeyed and closed his eyes. Emily continued to run her fingers through his hair. 15 minutes had passed, and his breathing got steadier. Emily took her hand off his head and curled up assuming he'd fallen asleep.

"Em?" he said in a gravelly voice, eyes still closed.

"Hmm?"

"I love you. Always," he said as his hand slipped out from under the covers, palm up.

Emily didn't say anything, she just linked her hand with his and closed her eyes.

(xxxxx)

Spencer woke up the next morning to an empty bed. He sat up feeling like crap, desperately craving more Dilaudid. He slipped out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. After relieving himself, he stared back at his reflection in the mirror. His hair stood in all different directions. His eyes blood shot with dark circles that were almost purple under his eyes.

He saw a new toothbrush and toothpaste sitting on the counter with a few towels and toiletries. He helped himself to the toothbrush before starting up the shower and climbing in. He turned the temperature to nearly scalding as he let that pain distract him from the urge to get his fix.

He heard a knock on the door and peeked his head out of the curtains as it slowly opened.

"Spence? I heard you start the shower. I'm not looking. I just wanted to put this duffle bag of clothes in there for you," Emily said.

"It's not like you haven't seen me before," he replied.

"I know," she said. He could feel the but in her voice.

"Thank you," he replied not making her explain further.

"You're welcome," she said closing the door.

He leaned his head against the cold tile as his eyes stared sadly at the door. He missed her so much it hurt. It was physically painful. He missed her smell, her touch, the way she tasted, the way she felt in his arms.

He slowly sat down in the shower curling his knees to his chest. He tucked his head into his knees as he began crying. It felt like he was living in a never-ending nightmare and there was no escape. He knew what he wanted and none of it was attainable.

He stood up and stepped out of the shower. Keeping the water running, he opened drawer after drawer until he found what he was looking for. He took the women's shaver and broke it until one of the small blades dropped onto floor. He noticed drops of blood from where his fingers touched the blade.

He turned the blade in his hand a few times as his tears dried up. He didn't want to do this anymore. He needed out. There was no hope for him or his son. He should've ended it all years ago. He climbed back into the shower and was just about to place the blade against his skin when the door to the bathroom opened.

"Hey Spen …"

He heard Emily's voice cut off and suddenly the curtain was swung open. Her hands reached for him as they wrestled for the blade. He lost his balance and fell out of the tub, landing on top of Emily who grunted from the force.

But she must've had some serious adrenaline going because he couldn't break the hold she had on him. His arms were pinned to his body, the blade held tightly in his fist.

"No, you are not doing this," she growled beneath him.

"What's … holy shit …."

Derek had suddenly appeared and was now hovering over Spencer trying to pry his bleeding fist open.

"Give it to me! Reid, let it go!" he said angrily.

Spencer didn't say a word, he just squirmed and fought back, as he tried to break out of Emily's death grip.

"Reid, I will break your fucking wrist! Drop it!" Derek shouted.

"Let. Me. Die," Spencer said through clenched teeth.

"Uh uh, no way! Now drop it! This is the last time I ask. I will snap your wrist if you don't let go," Derek said again.

Realizing there was no chance he was going to be successful, Spencer opened his hand allowing Derek to snatch the blade. Emily let go of him. He curled into a ball sobbing. He felt a towel cover his body, but he didn't care. His nakedness wasn't even in the top 10 thoughts in his brain at the moment.

"I'm gonna call Hotch," Derek said as he left the room.

To his surprise, he heard the sound of crying, but it wasn't coming from himself. He realized it was Emily.

"Damn it, Spencer!" she huffed as her head hit the wall in frustration. "Why would you do that? I'm trying to make this better, damn it! I'm trying to fix things! You can't just fucking give up like that!"

By now she was sobbing as hard as he had been. He slowly sat up, shaking from the cold and withdrawals. He looked like a beaten puppy as he looked at her from underneath his lashes. His wet hair dripping down his face, mixing with his tears.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"No, you … I am so angry at you," she cried as she trembled. "How can you just end it all when we are still fighting for you? When I am still fighting for you? You … I …" she trailed off as she tried to catch her breath.

"Emily –"

"I told you I had a plan. I told you I would take care of you. Why do you always make everything so hard?"

His head dropped in shame as the tears returned. The desire to die surged through him again. He was such a mess up. Everyone was always having to clean up after him. Why did they care so much when he was such a fail? He heard Emily sigh.

"I'm sorry," she said inching her way closer to him.

He felt her arms wrap around him as she placed her head on his shoulder.

"I was ...," she swallowed the lump in her throat. "I am scared. If I hadn't come in here …"

He felt her body shudder at the thought. He lifted his head. She did the same in return. He looked into her eyes. The fear and pain reflecting back at him.

"I hurt," he said in a hushed, broken voice. "I hurt so bad and I just … I just wanted it to stop."

"I know," she said choking up.

"Please make it stop," he whimpered.

"I'm trying, Spence, I'm trying," Emily replied emotionally as she pulled him into her arms.

She held him tightly as she placed kisses to his head. He leaned into each kiss, slowly turning his head as her lips touched his temple. His nose buried in her neck. He breathed her scent in. He felt himself calming. He nuzzled into her more as his lips brushed her neck. He felt her stiffen. He waited a moment to see what she would do and when nothing happened, he placed a small kiss to her racing pulse.

She didn't react. He lifted his head to look her in the eyes. To gage the truth of what was happening. He licked his lips as he moved forward. Emily closed her eyes as she swallowed hard. She needed to stop him, but she couldn't. He needed it. Or maybe she needed it. Maybe they both needed it.

His lips touched hers and Derek burst into the room.

"Hotch is … oh!"

Emily and Spencer separated immediately. Emily wide-eyed and bright red looked at Derek while Spencer dropped his head and covered himself more with his towel.

"I … I'm … ok, I'll be in the kitchen," he said turning and leaving the room quickly.

Emily ran her fingers through her hair and sighed.

"Why don't you get dressed," she said standing up. "I'll clean you up when you finish."

He gave her a look of confusion to which she pointed to his hand. He looked down to see his palm painted in blood. He'd forgotten about that momentarily. He looked back up at her, but she'd already walked out of the bathroom.

(xxxxx)

Spencer's hand had been cleaned and bandaged. He was back in bed lying down completely exhausted after the emotional morning. Emily covered him with the blanket and left the room with the door opened. She wanted to be able to hear him in case he tried again. Though she didn't believe he would. She walked into the kitchen to see Derek peering at her over his coffee. A smug smirk on his face. She rolled her eyes and reached for the coffee pot.

"So, that was interesting," he said.

"Morgan," she sighed.

"I mean, that is one way to deal with things."

"It wasn't what … he needed comfort … I was trying to help," she said as she finished making her coffee.

"Mm hmm."

"Derek, look at him. He is falling apart. That's not the best time to be making moves on your friend," she snapped.

"You telling me this? Or yourself?" he said eyeing her out.

"Fuck," Emily said as she put her cup down and leaned over the counter. Her head in her arms.

"Look, Em, I know this is hard for you. I know you're just trying to help him find a way out. Despite what people think, you aren't made of stone," Derek said gently. "And whether you've 'moved on' or not, you still love him and will do anything for him."

She stood back up and sighed again.

"So, what do we do? How do we help him, and I mean, really help him?" she said.

"Hotch and Rossi are on their way over to discuss what to do," he said as he placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's going to be ok. We'll get him through this."

Emily looked in the direction of the bedroom where she could just make out his figure sound asleep on the bed.

"I hope so. He won't last much longer if we don't."

(xxxxx)

A/N: I am so sorry for the delay. My depression was super deep and hard to climb out of, which completely wiped away my creativity. This was a bad chapter I know, but it needed to be done to get to where I'm going. Stay with me! And thank you for all the comments! It means the world to me, you have no idea how much. xoxo