The vigil was gradually coming to an end as more and more cats were starting to trickle back into their dens. I lagged behind though, my eyes bloodshot and weary as I stared deeply into the sea of Featherstar's tangled fur. After being crouched in the same position for what felt like an eternity my body pleaded for rest, but I still couldn't bring myself to move. Is what I'm feeling even grief? Surely I'm not mourning over Featherstar, am I? This should've been a moment of victory for me, he couldn't hurt me anymore now that he's way beyond the sky. But yet I still feel so heartbroken. Featherstar's death was so quick and abrupt, when I heard the news I didn't quite believe it myself. There's no way he could've died, not now. There were no final goodbyes, no deathbed reconciliations, the hope of things ever getting better between us was swept away like leaves in a breeze. Perhaps that's what I was mourning, what could've been.

A faint touch suddenly brushed past my shoulder. From scent alone, I could tell it was my sister, Rushsky. Her gray fur was uncharacteristically ruffled from a long night of unease. She must be taking it as hard as I am, albeit in a different way. Ever since they were kits my sisters were close to Featherstar. He enthusiastically supported them through both of their apprenticeships and was always there for them as warriors. Growing up, envy had its claws deep into my skin, why couldn't he see the same in me? I wasn't jealous anymore now, just sad, Featherstar could truly be good when he wanted to.

"Waspshine," She mouthed to me slowly, "It's time for the burial," I nodded solemnly.

I didn't intend on sticking around for that. I was eager to immediately leave camp. I didn't want anyone to share their sympathies with me. The concern for me would be appreciated, but I knew I would end up being smothered by my clanmates. Starclan knows I'm not in the mood for being patronized like a kit.

While making my way towards the clearing I noticed Wolfpelt. She was huddled up close with Flamewhisper. They were too far away for me to read their lips, but I assume they were talking about important leader stuff. Poor Wolfpelt, I feel sorry for her. She's barely older than me and is soon to be the next leader of Thunderclan. I can't imagine what it's like to be randomly thrust into the leader position like that. How do you handle having every cat in the clan look to you for answers? I wonder if you could back out at the last moment, pass the responsibility of being the leader to another more qualified cat.

My gaze flickered from Wolfpelt and Flamewhisker to see Cloudfrost lingering just outside the warrior's den, unsure of what to do with himself. His eyes were darting around side to side looking for something to do. Wherever he went he always looked awkward and out of place like a fish out of water. Cloudfrost was sickly-looking and skinny with legs too long for his body and unkempt fur that spiked out in all different directions. He never bothered to even properly wash his own pelt. Wastes too much time, he'd tell me.

He finally noticed me and quickly came over.

"Where are you going, Waspshine?"

I shrugged, "I don't know, just out I guess,"

"Sorry about Featherstar," His eyes quickly shifted towards the ground.

I shrugged nonchalantly, ignoring the prickle of annoyance under my skin, "It's okay,"

He immediately perked back up, "Maybe, we could do some hunting together, it's not raining anymore,"

"I don't know Cloudfrost, I just want to be alone right now."

Hurt washed over Cloudfrost's blue eyes, which made me feel terribly guilty. He was just trying to be a good friend and I had pushed him away.

He shook his head, "Come on Waspshine don't get like this. We should go together, being alone will do you no good."

"Cloudfrost, I'll be fine," I tried to reassure him but he still looked sad.

I quickly pushed past him before he could say anything else. I hated hurting Cloudfrost, he's been my closest friend ever since we were young. I had met him a little while after my mother told me I was deaf. Cloudfrost, at the time Cloudkit, had come from another litter who I wasn't really friends with. They were much older than me and my sisters. His siblings had been apprenticed already but Cloudfrost's ceremony was delayed because of an injury he'd gotten while playing too close to a thorn bush. I kept him company in the nursery while it healed. I related to him not being able to become a warrior's apprentice, even if his was only temporary. I was a completely different kit after finding out I'd never become a warrior. I spent days in my nest, wallowing in self-pity. Even my own sisters couldn't raise my spirits. My future felt so uncertain, what was I supposed to do now? I couldn't imagine being a medicine cat like Flamewhisper for the rest of my life, spending my day picking flowers and dealing with sick cats. There had to be another way.

Everything was slowly being engulfed in a brilliant honey-colored light, as the first signs of dawn crept across the sky. It was a stark contrast from the heavy rain that was assailing down on us last night. Fat droplets of rainwater were dripping off the plants, making the dirt all sodden. The oak trees stood so tall above me that it looked like they almost touched the sky. I remember my first time out of camp and seeing those trees, I was so frightened by how big they were. Now the way they loom so high overhead is almost comforting to me.

Last night's rain had made the ground muddier than usual which would make it harder to smell prey. Maybe, I should've taken Cloudfrost with me. I had been walking around for what felt like ages. My paws ached and my fur was coated with mud that had crusted over from the sun's heat. When I was on my way to turn around and head back to camp, I almost missed the sight of a mouse darting across the undergrowth. My eyes locked on it immediately and I instinctively crouched down.

'Does this mean I can't be a warrior?'

The scent of it washed over my nose and tongue.

'I'm afraid not, Waspkit,'

I crept forward, slowly, so as not to scare it back into its hiding place.

'That isn't fair,'

My eyes scanned the ground for any stray leaves that I could accidentally step on.

'That isn't fair!'

My pathway clear, I exploded from the bushes, claws outstretched, landing directly onto the mouse.

'You didn't even give me a chance!'

You always think of bad memories at the wrong time. That day still haunts me from all those many moons ago, even though I had proven them wrong since then. But still, the confusion and anger I felt as a little kit, who had believed the only thing he dreamed of would never come true, always seemed to echo through my mind. A long time ago, I remember being told I would never be able to hunt because I was deaf. My mother was adamant I trained as a medicine cat. She wouldn't even entertain the idea of me ever becoming a warrior. Before I was even apprenticed, I would sit in Flamewhsiper's den while she went on and on about herbs I couldn't even be bothered to remember the names of. In the corner of my eye, I'd see Rushkit and Foxkit poking around in the apprentice's den with a gleeful look on both of their faces. It wasn't fair, I didn't even get to choose who I wanted to be. But, who would ever teach a deaf kit how to be a warrior?

I placed my mouse in the fresh-kill pile. It was sun-high now and the clan was slowly starting to return to its normal routine. Even after the death of a leader, we couldn't let everything fall apart. While I washing the dirt and leaves from my pelt, I watched my clanmates scurry busily around the camp like little ants. I was so preoccupied with a particularly stubborn knot in my fur that I didn't even notice Foxclaw had rushed over to greet me.

"Hi, Waspshine!" Foxclaw beamed when I finally noticed her.

My sister had always been so strangely full of joy ever since she was a kit. This was usually endearing, but now it just seemed strange. She was hurting on the inside but was just afraid to show that part of herself. I acknowledged Foxclaw and gently prompted her about Featherstar, hoping that she'd drop the fake sunny demeanor.

Foxclaw scraped her paws through the dirt, "I'm really going to miss him, Wasp. " She sighed heavily, "But, that's not what I came over here to tell you. I was going to ask you to come and join a hunting patrol with me and Cherrypaw, but by the looks of it you beat us to it!"

I forgot Foxclaw was recently given an apprentice, it was probably one of the last leaderly duties Featherstar did before he died. I remember how ecstatic Foxclaw was when she was chosen to mentor Cherrypaw. After that, it seemed like she never stopped talking about her. She would always keep me updated with each new milestone Cherrypaw had reached. She was so proud of Cherrypaw as if she were her own daughter. I've never had an apprentice before, but it would be nice to maybe have one someday. I think I'd make a pretty good mentor, after all, I've had three already. Flamewhisper, Nightfang, and Aspenfur. Not all at the same time of course, and Nightfang was never officially my mentor. But, I still always count him as some sort of weird sentiment towards him.

"Well I'll see you later Waspshine, Cherrypaw's waiting for me," I wished Foxclaw good luck on her patrol as she ran off to collect her apprentice.

I decided to go and check on Flamewhisper. I hadn't seen her since she was talking with Wolfpelt that morning and I wondered if she needed any company. I got up and walked towards the medicine cat's den. Despite the deep animosity, I had felt while training as a medicine cat's apprentice, I always loved this place. While the rest of our camp was regularly being remodified and readjusted, the medicine cat's den was one of the few places that stayed constant. It looked exactly the same since I was a kit and I liked it that way.

Flamewhisper poked her head out and immediately invited me in. "Excuse the mess, I was preparing the herbs for me and Wolfpelt's journey."

I scrunched up my face in disgust remembering the herbs' bitter taste, "You're really going to eat those disgusting things?"

"They're called traveling herbs, have I taught you nothing?" Flamewhisper was quick to correct me, but I could see the glimmer of humor twinkling around in her eyes.

"Oh please, how long has it been since I've actually had a proper medicine cat lesson?"

"Come on Waspshine, it wasn't that long ago!"

"You're only saying that because you don't want to feel old!" I laughed

"You're right, you're right, I guess it was a long time ago," Flamewhisper had a thoughtful look in her, reminiscing of the days that had long since passed.

I can't remember if Flamewhisper was a good mentor or not, I was so resistant to her teachings when I was apprenticed by her that I hardly learned anything.

I was never meant to be a medicine cat's apprentice and I made sure everyone knew that, including Featherstar. He was so distraught after finding out I was deaf. To him, the dream of me and him fighting enemy cats, hunting for prey, and comparing battle scars together was just that, a dream. He apprenticed my sisters before me because he couldn't bear to see his son become a medicine cat. He didn't want to face the truth of it all. I remember poking my head out of the nursery while Rushpaw and Foxpaw were touching noses with their mentors. I caught Featherstar's eye while he was standing on the high rock and for a brief second, we just stared at each other before he finally turned away. Flamewhisper kept trying to convince him to apprentice me but, he was so reluctant to do it. I finally got apprenticed about a moon after my sisters. I was so embarrassed about being the same size as my mother and still sleeping in the nursery. I just wanted to get the ceremony over with so I could sleep somewhere less cramped.
On the day of my apprenticeship, all I felt was doom. I believed that this would be the beginning of the rest of my life. Cats were already starting to gather around the high rock before the meeting had even been called. My mother was licking every patch of fur on my body until it all laid down flat and neat while CloudFrost, then known as Cloudpaw, was chattering his mouth off.

'It's going to be so much fun Waspkit! You can sleep right next to me in the apprentice's den!'

'I have to sleep in the medicine cat's den,' I grumbled,

Cloudpaw gave me a sad look and stopped talking.

My mother flicked her tail at me indicating that Featherstar had just called a clan meeting. I stepped out of the nursery and into the sunlight.

Flamewhisper was looking attentively at Featherstar as he spoke to her. When the ceremony was drawing to a close, Featherstar instructed that she touch noses with me. Flamewhisper nodded and leaned forward towards me.

This was it, the fateful moment. I had dreamt of this moment for moons now but this looked different from how I had imagined it. I thought I'd be apprenticed alongside my sisters, my mentor would be a warrior, or at the very least that I would be happy. But now, I felt overcome with anger. I was angry at Flamewhisper, angry at Featherstar, angry at my mother and my sister, and especially angry at myself. When Flamewhisper's nose was closing in to touch with mine I jerked my head away. She looked taken aback at first like I'd accidentally stepped on her tail, then she just gave me a small nod and backed away. The ceremony ended with Flamewhisper as my mentor but I promised myself that I'd find someone who would teach me what I really wanted to know.