Was bored, came up with One Punch Man crossover with HP...except, Harry Potter is King. If you guys know anything about King, it's something similar. Will contain spoiler about manga and webcomic.

Sorta parody, sorta serious?

Harry looked up in annoyance at the stall door as the bathroom door banged and rattled ominously. "Com'on, what does it take for a bloke to pee in peace here?!" Shaking off droplets, he rose and buttoned up his pants. As he was exiting the stall, the bathroom door lost the battle and was thrown clean across the bathroom. A massive grey hand gripped the edge of the door frame, then a monstrous creature poked its head in. Crouching forward, the creature entered the bathroom, using the door frame as support. Once in, the creature rose to its full 12' height, revealing itself to be a troll.

"Well, bugger me. That's new." Harry blinked, then wrinkled his nose. "Dude, do you ever wash yourself? You smell worse than this bathroom." The troll apparently did not take kindly to the comments, as it roared in (apparent) anger and raised the absolutely massive bludgeon that Harry only just now noticed over its head. "Crud."

Jumping backwards, Harry missed being pancaked by the bludgeon, but he did not miss being showered by broken flying marbles and rock shards. The flying shrapnel cut up his face and arms, and he staggered backward in alarm. The troll had apparently overextended itself in the overhead slam, and fell forward, its free arm outstretched toward Harry's face. Luckily, it was not able to grab Harry, however it was close enough to rake Harry's face with three fingers, causing three deep gash to open on his left side.

Crabbing backwards, Harry shakily picked up his fallen glasses and pulled out his wand. All of his wizard training left him as he floundered on what spell to use. "What the hell am I supposed to use on this thing? I'm just a first year!" The troll slammed its free arm onto the ground, using it as leverage to raise its body. As it regained its footing, Harry became more panicked. He looked for a way out, but could not see a way out save the sole door way past the troll. The troll raised its bludgeon once more, and Harry cast the first spell that came to his mind, "Wingardium Leviosa!"

The spell hit the raised bludgeon, levitating it as the troll tried to swing it. Unbalanced yet again, the troll fell forward with a great crash, crushing several stalls under its weight. The loud noise and the shaking ground broke Harry's concentration and the bludgeon fell harmlessly on the ground, rolling between Harry and the troll. Now truly angered, the troll roared and it slammed both of its arm on the ground, causing a minor quake. Rising to its full height once more, it took a step closer. Panicking once more, Harry recast the levitation charm on the bludgeon.

Unfortunately, as he only was a first year, he was not able to fully raise the bludgeon. The bludgeon's handle rose up, with the heavier head still on the ground. In fact, the way Harry did it made it easier for the troll to pick up the bludgeon, which it attempted to do so. Coming forward, it stepped on a broken pipe. The metal pipe rolled backward, unbalancing the troll once more and it fell forward with a scream….directly on the raised bludgeon, impaling it through its mouth and out back. Blood and ichor sprayed toward Harry, covering him and his wounds.

As Harry shakily stepped toward the wall, intend on giving the troll a wide berth, Professor McGonagall and Professor Quirrell ran into the bathroom. As Professor McGonagall would later relay to a captivated audience in the teacher's conference room, "When I ran in, the bathroom was absolutely demolished. I mean it, there was hardly a toilet or sink standing. And dear Harry…oh poor boy, he was absolutely drenched in that awful troll's blood. And that awful wound! Poppy tells me that three scratches over his left eye will now be permanent scars because of the troll's blood! Oh no, you mustn't worry Pomona, his eye is unhurt. But poor boy, to have experienced so much… There was such an awful racket coming from there, that troll was still alive…we all could hear its heartbeat, it was so loud…"

"What happened Quirinus?"

"Ah, master….well. The brat somehow survived."

"A first year? Against a fully grown jungle troll? I distinctly remember you assuring me that not even the seventh years could stall it, let alone defeat it. And yet…."

"…."

"….he manages to kill it. With one spell."

"….Mast—"

"I grow weary, Quirinus. Your delays, setbacks and excuses are becoming tiresome. You have one last chance. Fail in that…well, I suppose you'll find out what I can truly do, even in this odious form."

"Understood master, you are most generous."

"Hello my little scarred friend."

"Hello indeed, scarface."

"Scarface is a bit tacky, isn't it Georgy?"

"Why yes, yes it is, Freddy. Why, do you have a better suggestion?"

"Indeedio I do, Georgio. I propose…. 'The Scarred Hero!'"

"Fredilio, you disappoint me. Such plebian name is undeserving of such grand character as our dearest-"

"What do two idiots want with me?" Harry finally looked up in annoyance, his concentration finally shattered. He was in the library, in a booth surrounded with books. As the midterms were finally coming up, and with Snape having taken to a new heights of indiscriminate point docking and petty comments about his newly acquired scars, he needed all the help. And these twined idiots were not helping.

The left twin, Fredilio, raised his hand over his heart in mock outrage. "And here I was thinking out dear old Harry wanted that greasy git's old tests…" The right twin took over, "But alas, it seems that we've been mistaken."

Narrowing his eyes, Harry lowered his book, "And you two will offer the bat's old tests out of goodness of your hearts?"

"Alas, he has made us!"

"Indeedio my less handsome brother! It is as you surmised, my tiny scarred friend. It is but one simple task…"

"How did I let myself be talked into this? This is pure suicide." Harry muttered angrily to himself as he sneak-stalked toward the third floor. "'Oh nothing much,'" He mimicked in a falsetto high pitched voice, "'We only want a sample. A teeny tinesy sample. From a dog. Oh, and it has three heads. Good luck!'"

"Unfortunately for my stupid little ass, the test sample they provided was genuine. And I'm supposed to sneak up to a Cerberus, a puppy mind you, snatch a few hair, and sneak out without being mauled to death? What a crock of bull. And why am I the moron who's actually going to do it?! Oh right, the cloak. And my potion grade. That's why. Ugh. At least it's a puppy?"

Finding the appropriate door, he donned The Cloak and very slowly pushed the door in. Taking the utmost care not to make a single iota of noise, he very slowly stepped in, taking agonizing minutes to take a single step as not to allow the silky fabric of the Cloak to rustle over itself and thus alert the dog. After closing the door without making a single sound, he turned around and almost shouted in fear. Instead a very quiet squeak escaped his mouth.

From deep within the room, three massive pairs of ears twisted toward his direction. The Cerberus continued to snore loudly, all three heads resting over its equally massive paws. But the ears were perked toward him. 'That's…..not a puppy.' Harry finally managed to think after his terror finally subsided just enough to retain rational thoughts. Indeed the Cerberus was not a puppy as the Twins indicated. Each of the paws were as wide as he was tall, and the jaws were so massive that they could easily devour him whole in a single bite. 'Or that's a puppy in Cerberus terms. Why is it here in a school?'

He deliberated his options and finally decided that it wasn't worth being dismembered or dying for a letter on a piece of paper. Turning around, he gripped the door handle and pulled. Nothing happened. Panicking, he exerted more force – and still the door didn't budge. His breath came out in short gasps as he fruitlessly pulled on the door….before a low rumbling noise made him freeze. Slowly turning his head, he realized that all three heads were now staring straight at him.

In his panic, he hadn't noticed that the cloak had fallen around his shoulder, exposing his face. That, along with his frantic attempt to open the door had served to wake the Cerberus. And it did not look happy if the low growls were anything to go by. Giving a weak smile, he uttered, "Ummm….good doggy?"

The growls grew to a crescendo. He frantically pulled the cloak over his head and jumped to his right…and not a moment too soon, as one of the head darted forward and bit the empty place where he used to be. The other two heads started look around, sniffing loudly. The Cerberus body shook itself awake, and with a deep thud it rose to its full height. Each footstep it took shook the room. Harry was practically glued to the wall as he scooted along, taking great care not to make audible panting noise or allow any part of his body to escape the confinement of the cloak.

The Cerberus showed its displeasure of having its prey escaping it by attacking the empty space around the door with its paws, its claws making a horrific screeching noise as it scraped the stone. Harry flinched, but determinedly scooted along, toward the rear of the room….toward another door. Reaching it, he waited until the Cerberus made a large swipe at the right wall, and opened the door during the resultant screech and slammed it close behind him, plunging him into deep darkness.

Minerva once again was in the center of attention, regaling her tale to an enthralled audience in the teacher's conference room. Even the ditty Sybill Trelawney was there with her ever present bottle of cheap dwarven brandy – if only to know why there was such a racket going on the floor beneath her. She swayed in her chair, but her attention was solely focused on Minerva.

"My oh my, I knew this whole Stone business was just terrible. You remember, Filius, of course you do, of how I entreated Albus not to bring that dreadful Stone here. I just knew something was going to happen! And poor Harry had to be involved in this whole terrible business. Severus, be quiet.

"Now, where was I? Ah yes. I thought that the whole troll business getting loose and then killed by Harry was bad, but no, this is worse. That Cerberus….excuse me, Fluffy, was…..ah, how do I put it? It was….coating the room. No, that wasn't a hyperbole – Rubeus dear, I'm sorry you had to see that, you have my deepest condolences. I…I….don't know how Quirinus managed to do it, but he lured Harry into the trap. Albus thinks that he may have been a relic, a sleeper agent from the Blood War. He may have been awakened through a trigger. Regardless, somehow, someway, he lured Harry into that dreadful room, and indeed when I saw the condition of the room, I feared the worst.

"But Albus insisted that Harry was still alive, apparently the Wards were able to tell him that much, at least. So we went into the second room. Pomona, your Devil's Snare…I've never seen anything like it. Just pile of ashes, everywhere. Didn't you say that your Snare was a crossbreed? Something to do with fire immunity? Oh, indeed? Whatever it was, it certainly didn't stop Harry. Well, I'm just saying what I saw there. Blackened walls, ash everywhere. If it wasn't fire, then what?

"Ah, you want to know how he bypassed your room, Filius? No, he didn't pick up the cursed brooms, or chase after the keys or anything like that. He didn't even touch it, your room was the most intact one. All he did was to remove the door hinges and pull the door out. Yes, he thought like a muggle…but tell me Severus, would you have been able to get out of that room without using a shred of magic? Be honest.

"As I was saying….well. My own room. I don't know what that boy is studying during his free time, but all of my chess pieces were smashed to pieces. He also didn't trigger the hidden trap, I have no clue how he saw through that.

"And well, Quirinus room….let's just say I found a dead colony and leave it at that. Yes Severus? Actually, yes. You're correct, he didn't solve your puzzle. He didn't need to—I wasn't finished Severus. He cast the flame freezing charm on the table, flipped it over, slid it over the firewall, and walked over the table. No? You're more than welcome to look, that table was still there when we got there.

"And the final room…my goodness, so much blood everywhere. I honestly thought the absolute worst when I saw him. He had lost so much blood, he was so pale. But ah….it may have been my imagination, but I could've sworn that I heard a loud heart beating noise when I finally saw Harry in that room. Yes Filius? Ah that traitorous Quirinus was dead too, good riddance. No, I don't know what happened to the Stone, my only priority was young Harry. I'm happy to report that Poppy reports his condition to be stable and he should be making a full recovery by tomorrow."

Time skip, undetermined time into future

Harry trundled along in the deep tunnel, quivering in anger. "Six! There are six of us! Six people split into groups of two, which would mean three people on each group. That's basic logic….!" He raised his fists up to the darkened ceiling, "So why am I all by myself?!"

"Right, just because I'm 'King'….what a crock of bullshit. I'm the biggest fraud there ever was, I'm worse than useless. I do hope I don't meet anyone here…." Due to his strange brand of luck, ever since from his first encounter with the troll way back in first year, people have thought Harry to be capable of impossible tasks. With his reputation cemented after Voldemort's demise which was, of course, attributed to him despite being on the other side of the country and having nothing to do with it, his services as a mercenary was very highly sought after.

Now entire corporations, governments and military organizations (both legitimate and illegitimate) were in endless fight among each other to secure his services. Harry had set a truly insane price to deter them from hiring him, but it had the opposite effect. Competition was actually getting fiercer as agents upon agents would assassinate rival faction agents, sometimes right in front of him, burn their contracts, and present their own. And Harry, owing to his special brand of luck, would somehow blunder his way out through an active warzone (multiple times!) and in the aftermath, would somehow be credited for some of the most impossible and bizarre actions ever.

'Like the one time I duked it out with four Ancients (vampires) at the same time, defeated all of them, managed to sneak into the Fortress of Solitude and rescue the Hennessey Heiress. Yeah right. The Ancients fought among themselves and they all managed to fatally injure each other at the same time. And the sneaking? I just walked through the front door, asked for directions to her cell, unlocked the cell, and walked out. No idea how I wasn't stopped. Not like I was trying to hide either.'

Harry sighed loudly. "Now we're supposed to rescue this VIP hostage. I really hope I don't get to meet anyone. Shame my cloak is gone, I would love to fade away….I'm an invisible cloud, floating away…." He shook his head, "No no, that's too lofty, it'll distract me. Ah yes. Ahem….I'm an invisible wind, flittering by, noticed by no one….oooohmmm…."

"Is that you King?"

Harry practically jumped out of his skin, sweat immediately beading on his forehead. Slowly turning around, he saw the VIP hostage standing a ways behind him. She was a cute little girl, and she was alone. 'WHY ME?!' Harry internally despaired.

"Omigawd King, I'm so happy to find you! I've been so scared, these men are so creepy! Please take me to my mommy!" She gushed in happiness as she ran toward Harry. Harry's rising panic at her approachment made his heartbeat audible, it became so loud that it turned into a roar.

BADATHUM, BADATHUM, BADATHUM.

The VIP kid skidded to a halt just before Harry, frightened. "It's me! I'm just a kid! Please don't kill me!"

Gathering his courage, Harry engaged his well-practiced bluff. With the King's engine roaring in background, he loomed menacingly over the girl. His face was shrouded in darkness despite the bright tunnel, with only a silver showing his scarred left eye and glinting glasses. "YOU HAVE COME TO THE WRONG PERSON," he menacingly growled, "YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM ME AND FIND ANOTHER PERSON, THAT WOULD BE THE SMART THING TO DO. NO MATTER HOW CUTE YOU ARE, YOU WON'T FIND MERCY WITH ME…"

The VIP kid trembled in fright. 'How did he see through me with one glance? My transformation was perfect!' Despite being a fair distance away from Harry, she looked up to see him looming menacingly over her. 'Crap, so close too! So terrifying! I need to run away….' But her feet was frozen, her world overtaken by the King's presence and the Engine of Destruction ringing in her ears. She felt something change in her teeth. 'I cant stop grinding my teeth….my cyanide tooth is breaking…ugh!' Foaming at the mouth as the fast acting cyanide took action, the spy dropped dead on the ground.

Harry blinked as the VIP girl's feature morphed out into something else before eventually settling into an unrecognizable shape as she continued to foam out of her nose and mouth. "….eh, what's this stuff?!"

Time skip

"Ah, Mister Potter, how gracious is it to see you on this fine day…or would you rather be called 'King'?" Dumbledore called out to Harry, McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout and Snape behind him. Harry winced internally before smoothing out his face into a neutral look and turning to meet the group. They were in a busy hallway in the ICW HQ in Switzerland, and Dumbledore was in his full Supreme Mugwump regalia. A few curious passerby slowed down to eavesdrop. Professor McGonagall shooed them away with a glare.

"Good afternoon Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, Professor Sprout, Professor Flitwick, Gi-Snape. No Professor, I prefer my own name, as King is too pretentious for my taste."

McGonagall rolled her eyes at Snape's name cover up while Snape muttered unpleasantly under his breath. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he beheld his former pupil, now grown and even more famous than before. His exploits as 'King' had reached far and wide indeed, and he was curious.

"I wonder, Mr. Potter, if you would be so gracious to honor a request I may have." At this Minerva squinted suspiciously at Dumbledore, but said nothing. Harry too was suspicious, but didn't let it show on his scarred face. "Maybe, what is it that you wanted?"

"There is a little dueling circuit not too far away from here. I would like to see how I fare against the famous King, if you would satisfy an old man's curiosity." Sprout choked on a drink, Fitwick looked up from his research paper in surprise, Minerva closed her eyes in irritation and Severus gaped at Dumbledore.

Sweat beading on his forehead, Harry frantically tried to think of any excuse. "Erm, I'm very flattered Professor, but I don't think –"

"Oh not to worry Harry, the dueling ring is very well warded. There is a spectacularly nifty runic array that shunts all excess magic into the leylines." Dumbledore's damnable eyes twinkled.

"That may be Professor – but still, I do not recommend a duel today –" At Dumbledore's questioning look, Harry frantically looked around, his neck becoming damp with sweat. The Engine started to pick up, responding to his internal panic. "Did you forget that today is a Thursday, Professor?"

Dumbledore blinked in genuine confusion. Harry pointed to Flitwick, "Ah, even Professor Flitwick has instinctively felt it." All eyes felt on Flitwick, he blinked in astonishment. "So that's how it is. Professor, I would recommend another day for a duel." Turning around, he tried to walk away.

"What are you talking about, Potter?!" Snape snapped, "If this is another one of your idiotic—"

Harry let the Engine run wild, silencing Snape as he turned to face the group once more. His face was shrouded in darkness, only the glint of the glasses and outline of his scars could be seen. "The composition of the atmosphere is eight parts nitrogen, two parts oxygen…there is also carbon dioxide, methane, helium, etcetera. But what many don't know is that there is a little bit of Engawatson in there too. It reacts with the Bonilezane found in radiation, it causes an organic Jose Cascading phenomenon."

He raised his glasses up his nose, his glasses glinting brightly. "Last Thursday was a full moon, which means that the decay half life of Engawatson would've happened at noon today." He nodded at Flitwick, who was looking dumbfounded. "There's someone who already picked up on it, they are the rare sensitive among us. Tell me Professor Dumbledore, you've at least heard of the Dolzenaebring reaction, right?"

Dumbledore shared a very quick glance with his group, they were all equally as lost as he was. The Engine running at full blast, Harry shook his head. "Whatever, the point is, if we had that duel today….a untold tragedy could've formed, especially at the leylines. Like I said, today is not a good day."

Turning around again, Harry walked away. 'I hope that worked. Please let it work.' He got in several steps ahead before Dumbledore stopped him. "Harry, wait!" Sweat forming again on his forehead, he turned around.

"I understand, I won't insist on it anymore. But I'd like to just one more thing before you go." Rummaging around his pockets, he let out a small 'aha' and pulled out an apple. He handed it to Harry. "Here is an apple." He rummaged around his sleeves and pulled out a knotted wand. "And here is a wand. I would like to see you cut this apple with that wand, in any way, shape or form you see fit."

Harry blinked at the two items in his hands. "I'm….I'm a novice with magic, Professor."

Dumbledore and Flitwick let out a bark of laughter. "My dear Harry, allow me to explain. I have an unusual skill…When I see how someone cuts things, I learn how that person practices their magic. It's very much like palm reading. So please," Dumbledore nodded at the apple in Harry's hand. "All I ask is to cut the apple for me."

The group entered an empty conference room nearby. Harry set the apple on the table and held Dumbledore's wand in one hand. The group stayed behind him, observing his movement. Harry held the wand in his hand loosely for several minutes…then suddenly snapped the wand and let loose with a Diffindo. The cutting charm arced toward the apple, went through it and lightly smacked the table. There was no visible cut or damage to the apple or table.

Silently handling back the wand back to Dumbledore, Harry closed the door to the conference room and once out of sight, sprinted away. While running away, Harry was panting. 'What was that wand made out of? It took everything I had to just cast that stupid severing charm! And it didn't even manage to cut it!'

McGonagall, Sprout and Snape were confused, and they looked at Dumbledore and Flitwick – but they did not expect the expression of total shock and awe on both of their faces. "Albus? Filius?" Minerva exclaimed.

Dumbledore in turn looked at the Elder Wand in wondrous amazement. Flitwick was inspecting the apple in every way, shape and form. Despite being sliced by a severing charm, it was still in one piece.

'That apple was not cut….no. It was cut. It hasn't even noticed that it's been cut. Harry technique was so fine, his control so exquisite that the severing charm cut through the gap between cells. The cut sections rejoined themselves perfectly afterwards….Even I haven't heard of such skill….and to do it with the Deathstick, which already has a monstrous power requirement to use….and to do it on the first try? Amazing, simply amazing.'

Dumbledore shook his head, smiling in wonder. Flitwick similarly shook his head in amazement, before laughing out loud. "A novice with magic, indeed! It would seem that we are the novices now!" Ignoring the looks of confusion and exasperation from his coworkers, he laughed once more. "Truly, what a monster."