A/N:

Hi, so, I'm really really rusty at writing so please bare with me. I had an account on here previously, but I've forgotten the password, so here I am again.

I'm not too sure how long this fic will be, but I'm hoping to make it a couple of chapters long if people enjoy the read.

Notes regarding the fic:

• It is set two years after series 4 episode 20.
• I think episode 20 will slightly differ in this fic. I will include how it would have happened later on so please bare that in mind.
• I am not a psychologist and I have absolutely no idea how they work. This is just what I had in my head? (Any tips would be greatly appreciated).

Hope you enjoy the read.

The collateral damage of love

Eddie. Melissa. Phil. Adam. Waterloo Road.

They all had different places in her heart, but she knew they'd end up killing her if she were to carry on in this spiralling state. They'd all brought her pain of some sort and she needed to fix it. She was on the verge of desperation and Rachel Mason had never been desperate.

Life had been tough to say the least. Two years had gone and she was unsure what she was doing.

Those awful white walls. That awful ticking of the clock. That awful, and by god that awful chair. How all very very clinical. Here she was again. It had been the third session that she had attended. As for the sessions, she hadn't told anyone - not even Adam and they were married. She couldn't even bare to admit where she was to herself. Morrisons. That's what she had told Adam. What a stupid lie.

Dr Paul Williams. He was going to help her. He was going to save her. She hated the place, however as much as she didn't always like to admit, it was relief. She could talk and it wouldn't leave the room. It was her secret. So here she was, 4:30pm on a Thursday. Her usual time and not a minute late.

'Honesty'. Dr Williams sat and observed her as she raised her eyebrow and almost scoffed at his chosen word. He knew there would be some sort of sarcastic nature to her tone.

'You want me to talk about honesty?'. It was almost laughable. That's all she'd bloody been during these sessions. How ridiculous.

'It'll help, Rachel. Research shows-', he tried to support his chosen subject. He just wanted her to open up and give him something to work with. He needed to understand in order to help.

Within seconds she had cut him off, almost biting with her response, 'That's research. This is my life. This was somebody I loved. Somebody I'd confided in. My past, it's complicated – as you know'. Stern with absolutely no hesitation in her voice.

'Loved. That's interesting. Adam or Eddie'. Great. How could she answer that? My god, that was a sore subject to say the least. Looking him dead in the eyes, she replied 'Does it matter?'.

'You're paying me to help'. She knew he was right. In her mind Miss Mason, wait .. Mrs Fleet would never admit to the help that she needed. Her eyes swarmed with what he could only describe as desperation.

'I'm paying you to tell me I'm not crazy', her voice was clear. She most definitely was not crazy.

'You're not crazy', he'd given her the answer she wanted. He knew she wasn't crazy, she was just broken.

'Eddie'. There is was. She knew she couldn't lie. This man ... he was a professional. The room fell completely silent for what was maybe a minute. She crossed her leg over and her fingers almost automatically entwined. She had said too much.

'Do you still think about him?', he knew asking this might have sent her too far. Maybe he'd pushed the boundaries, but he knew she needed to talk. She needed that release to find the freedom.

'No. Ye- I mean how do you not still think about somebody who you should still be with?', her voice almost broke as she'd revealed her true thoughts. This was far deeper than anyone had ever known.

'Should still be with'. He wanted more, and he knew she wasn't finished. He thought to maybe ask more but silence fell again and he gave her the chance to elaborate.

'Well, I mean if Mel hadn't come back-', he didn't need to hear any more. It was almost as if she were feeding an excuse. This wasn't the right time to approach this. Her feelings with still raw and her resentment still strong. There was more to it that just Melissa. He made a mental note to ask her another time, maybe another session.

'So what about Adam? Where does he fit in?', Dr Williams changed the subject. He wanted to approach this in the most direct way. She almost raised her brow again and then diverted her eyes down and to the right. Sighing she almost whispered, 'I don't know'. She was most definitely talking to herself.

'Do you love him?', her eyes remained looking down as he asked her.

'Can you love two people?'. Her eyes darted to meet his. He couldn't read her. What was that? There was no emotion, she just fell flat. She wanted him to answer, and so, he answered, 'You can love two people, but as for being in love, then no'. There it was.

'Well I guess there's your answer'. From her words, he then knew it was Eddie and it always had been. Again, he wasn't going to push her. He needed to keep the conversation ticking and not run himself so deep that she'd refused to talk further.

'The baby', she winced. Those two short words. This was difficult and was definitely not what she wanted to talk about. She hadn't felt pain like this in years. She couldn't get her words out, they just wouldn't come out as she'd hoped. She wanted to be confident. She needed to be confident.

'The ba- baby?', it was a stutter but she got there. She did it.

'Niece ,nephew …', Dr Williams was definitely on thin ice. This was painful for even him to digest. This was the damage. This was the grenade and everything else was the collateral damage.

It had been two minutes since he had left his conversation open ready for her. She hadn't replied. Tears brimmed in her eyes and he'd offered her a tissue, but she'd refused. Using the end of her sleeve, she furiously wiped them away. She was not doing this. She would not cry; not again.

'Er no contact' , she'd finally spoke. He butted in almost far too quickly, 'Why?'. Who on earth was he to question why?! She wanted to leave and she wanted to leave fast.

She took a deep breath and answered, 'I couldn't. It was too hard. Eddie, Melissa, even Phil, I couldn't face them. I had to close the book'.

'The book or the chapter?', he'd asked this to lightly skirt around the real problem.

'The book. I needed to take myself away from that story as you will. I couldn't possibly bare it and I knew that I had to let him go', she cocked her head to the side and watched as he reacted.

'But if you're not happy now then why haven't you let Adam go?', bringing his fingers to rest on the edge of the arms of the chair, he watched her digest his words.

'I didn't say I wasn't happy. I said I wasn't in love'. It was a fair point and he couldn't really argue it as much as he would have liked. He was only really here to listen and help direct her.

It was a difficult question but he wanted to ask, 'Answer me this. Ten years ago, if you were in a relationship and you weren't in love, would you stay or walk?'. His body leant slightly forward to hear what she had to say and he couldn't afford to miss a word.

'Why does that matter? Can't we just focus on this?', my word she was desperate to stay clear of this one.

'Curiosity I suppose?', he searched and searched for any kind of emotion or body movement that would reflect her feelings, and just like that, it happened.

She crossed her arms, almost like the kids would have done in school after receiving some sort of run in with one of the teachers. It must have rubbed off on her. Sighing, she gave him an answer, 'Fine. No, I wouldn't have stayed'. Black and white there it was. No. So why on earth was she still in the relationship?!

He nodded for her to continue. He didn't need to ask, although he did know there would be another painful excuse. And just like, there it was, 'Pride. I don't want a failed marriage. I married him knowing that I still loved Eddie. I got myself into this mess', she was tired of talking. She most certainly did not want to talk any more.

'I don't think that's it. The way you are. That wouldn't have stopped you. I think it's because you're afraid of being lonely again. I want you to be honest'. He'd hit the nail straight on the head. Looking away, she stood, grabbed her things and cleared her throat, 'I have to go'. She was not facing this today.

Rushing to the exit of the building, she had missed him by seconds.

5:00pm on Thursday afternoon. Dr Williams had forgotten to check with his secretary for any changes to the usual schedule, and low and behold there was one. Almost in a heap of sweat, he panicked. This was not to happen; they were not to cross. It was only by pure coincidence that they had both been having sessions with him. He leapt out from his room and sighed in relief as Eddie were only just opening the front door. They hadn't seen each other. That could not happen again and he'd be sure to note that.

It could have been dangerous and she was not ready for that.