Crossposted on AO3 - Please check TW at the end if some subjects are trigger-y to you. Stay safe.
She was dead.
Nezuko was dead. Gone, gone, GONE.
Despite what everyone said, he knew he loved her. Her heart had made the sweetest sound, a delicate, light, breezy noise that appeased him whenever she was close.
They thought he was being dramatic. They thought it was just a crush.
Another meaningless crush out of a seemingly endless list, girls he'd pursued for no other reason but to quell his loneliness. A desperate need to be cared for, they'd said.
They didn't know anything.
He wanted to be the one to care for Nezuko.
He wanted to be the one to save her.
She had loved him, too.
He hadn't heard the distinct, mesmerizing sound of love from her, but still.
She had loved him.
He knew that. She had to have loved him.
She had to.
God. His mind felt so heavy, almost drowning in drowsiness.
He couldn't handle another rejection. Not then.
Especially not now.
His eyes were glazed over as he stood above her grave, cherry-blossom blooms decorating the damp soil in which her lifeless body laid. He felt detached, just as dead as the fallen slayers surrounding him.
As he swayed in the rising sunlight, he thought that it was rather stupid to flower a dead person's last resting place. It's not like they could appreciate the gesture.
Zenitsu frowned. It was hypocritical too. No one of them had offered Nezuko flowers when she was alive, breathing and smiling.
A wrenching pain shot through him, and he almost crumbled, hands flying up to grip at his vest.
The agony, the grief only grew as righteous anger and resentment rose in his heart.
He had offered her a gorgeous bouquet of wisterias, her favorite flowers despite how lethal they were to her.
She was always kind to him, when so many had mocked him. She understood him.
What it felt like to be ostracized.
They shared a mutual pain.
They were meant for each other.
The others didn't matter, only Nezuko did.
And it was Tanjirou's fault.
He had ripped her away from him.
He had sent her to be slaughtered-
Wow.
Hold on a second. Where did that come from?
It wasn't Tanjirou's fault!
… Was it?
Zenitsu shook his head. No. It was just his guilt, his grief latching onto the easiest outlet. Tanjirou wasn't to blame. He felt appalled at himself for thinking such horrible things about his friend.
Or, if he was, then they were both just as guilty.
He sighed, fingers rubbing against throbbing eyes. God, he was just so tired. His brain was too muddled to think about anything right now.
He turned away from Nezuko's grave, the weight of loss heavy on his shoulders.
Unbeknownst to him, the seed of blame grew in his mind.
Zenitsu narrowed bloodshot eyes at the slouched, oblivious boy sitting next to him.
It was late, nearly dawn, and neither he nor Tanjirou had been able to fall asleep, meeting by accident on the engawa of their temporary housing quarters.
The blond felt dazed, not quite in touch with reality as the consecutive sleepless nights seemed to catch up to him. He didn't realize he had opened his mouth to speak until after the words were already out, breaking through the stillness of the night.
"It's your fault, you know."
Tanjirou stiffened, eyes widening before turning to look at him, confusion and shock swimming in his gaze. "Zenitsu? What do you mean?"
Everything was blurry, but Zenitsu met the other's questioning eyes, coldness brewing behind his, and answered him, resentment coloring his words.
"Nezuko. It's your fault she died."
"What? Zenitsu, I-"
Tanjirou clenched his jaw shut when he saw the accusing look in his friend's eyes, choosing to instead avert his gaze and look at the budding flowers a few feet away from them. He clutched his knees as confused features turned into guilty, miserable ones.
The pain of his sister's loss was painted across his face, the soft lighting of the gently swaying lanterns making his expression plain for him to see. Unmoved by the heartbreaking sight, Zenitsu glared at the other boy, hatred pulsing through his core.
He was too tired to fight or question the feeling.
Tanjirou wasn't meeting his eyes, fists clenching the fabric of his trousers as the slayer radiated shame and such raw agony, that any other day, the simple sound of it would have made Zenitsu cry.
So much agony.
And yet, Zenitsu didn't care.
Good, he thought, he deserved to feel that way.
The anger, regret, shame and guilt were eating away at his own insides, and he knew those emotions needed out, no matter the outlet.
He blinked, and noticed the moon was way lower than it had been what seemed like mere seconds ago.
The blond's mind felt hazy, sleepless nights and grief, grief, grief making his vision fade in and out, the room swaying as he struggled not to tip over.
God, why were the lights so bright.
Zenitsu rubbed his eyes harshly, trying to blink away the spots that kept dancing in front of them, and the moment he opened them again, Nezuko was kneeling in front of him, smiling sweetly in her immaculate kimono.
A kimono that was no longer drenched in her blood and flesh and blood, so much blood.
He gasped, and a huge, slightly manic grin broke across his face as he threw himself at her, disbelief and joy, relief making him laugh out loud, as he grasped her face and brought her closer.
"Nezuko! Nezuko-chan! Oh god, you're back, oh g-god !" Familiar sobs escaped him, tears running down his face as he shakily caressed her cheeks. "I thought you're were g-gone, but you-you're back now! You're back!"
The pink, kind guys turned into a scarlet, frightened gaze, and Zenitsu startled at the sudden change, confusion and dread making the smile drop from his face.
He blinked and his heart shattered as he realized that it wasn't Nezuko sitting innocently in front of him, but Tanjirou.
B-But-
No ! No no no nonononono god please no NOT AGAIN
"N-nezuko... ?" His eyes were wide, tears still dripping from his face as he murmured her name. He was still gripping the other boy's face, the burgundy-haired teenager looking downright terrified.
Zenitsu only felt disappointment and hatred.
"Zenitsu? W-what are- ?"
"Shut up."
Tanjirou flinched, stopping his attempts to wriggle away from Zenitsu's tightening touch. The blond wasn't looking at him, dual-colored bangs falling in front of his eyes. He clenched his teeth.
"Shut. Up." He gritted out, nails digging into Tanjirou's cheekbones, the boy's hands coming up to try and pry the fingers away from his face, pained sounds escaping him, but Zenitsu didn't relent. His blazing, crazed stare finally met Tanjirou's.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up !" He was shouting now, veins popping up on his forehead as fury blazed through him.
"Why? Why is it always you?" He wrenches the other boy's head closer to his, barely a few inches between them.
"Why? Why did she die?"
"Why did you let her?"
"Why didn't you protect her?"
"Why didn't you save her?"
"I wish you were the one that died."
The moment the words left his lips, Tanjirou flinched and recoiled back, tears slipping from his eyes and the noise of hurt and terror so, so loud in Zenitsu's ears.
A sickening sense of satisfaction rose in his loins, and a deranged grin spread across his face, regarding Tanjirou in disgust.
"What ?" He drawled the words out, a mocking tone coloring them, "You think you're blameless? That this isn't your fault? You brought her into this! You're to blame! You hear me? You're the one to blame! Not me! Not me! "
"You said it yourself, don't you remember ?" he laughs, tightening his hold, "How you felt guilty because you weren't there when your family died !"
His smile dropped suddenly, a dark glint in his eyes.
"Well, you weren't there this time either."
Tanjirou remained still, quiet as he looked into Zenitsu's eyes, unblinking. The boy was shaking, breath hitching every few seconds, and the sight filled the blond with both cruel glee and shame.
He disregarded the shame.
The room seemed to tilt as Zenitsu started to wheeze, realizing his heart felt like it was about to burst. He tried gulping in some air but he wouldn't stop hyperventilating. The spots in his vision seemed to take up more and more space, and grief, agony spread through every part of his body, threatening to overwhelm him.
Ha. Who was he kidding? It had already overwhelmed him long ago.
A whispered 'I'm sorry' slipped from his lips, right over Tanjirou's ear, as the last thread of his sanity finally snapped.
A hand grasped gently his shoulder, and Zenitsu's own fingers shot up and grabbed the wrist, squeezing the thin limb tightly.
"Ah ! Z-Zenitsu, it h-hurts !"
The blond couldn't hear him, nor could he feel his hand tightening around the appendage until Tanjirou's bones creaked underneath his fingers.
"Z-Zenitsu ! Please, s-stop ! Ah ! PLEASE !"
A sharp cry and resounding snap pierced through Zenitsu's hazy mind, feeling Tanjirou trying to pull on his hand, clawing at his fingers as noises of pain, pain, pain radiated from him, sizzling the air around them.
Another distinct, familiar noise buzzed in his ear.
His eyes snapped to the trembling, scared figure in front of him, seeing their mouth move, forming words he couldn't hear.
It wasn't this sound that had caught his attention.
Nezuko's gentle form seemed to fade in and out of his vision, right in front him, yet unreachable.
Nothing made sense anymore, and Zenitsu's mind spun round and round and round until he was stuck in a muted haze. The boy closed his eyes.
He didn't want to fight against his mind anymore.
He embraced the madness.
His vice-like grip on Tanjirou's face turned gentle, rough fingers caressing the bloody marks left in their wake as his eyes fluttered.
He felt almost serene as he let that noise surround him, the familiarity overcoming him.
He smiled as he breathed the next words out.
"Your sound is just like Nezuko's."
The recoiling figure in front of him froze, apprehension clear in their gaze, and Zenitsu's obscured eyes rose to meet ruby-colored ones.
"It's okay if you're not her."
That seemed to snap the other boy out of his daze as his efforts to rip his wrist from Zenitsu's painful grasp started again with renewed vigor, desperate to get away.
Zenitsu just tightened his grip, ignoring Tabjirou's shout of pain, and moved his other hand to cup the boy's jaw, beckoning him closer as he tried to escape, still.
Mouths less than an inch apart, Zenitsu brushed his lips against Tanjirou's but the burgundy-haired teenager turned away violently, letting go of the blond's hand to shove at his friend's chest.
"W-What- ?" Tanjirou began breathlessly, his voice higher than usual, "Wh-what are you doing? I don't-"
His words were cut off by yet another cry as Zenitsu yanked on Tanjirou's mangled wrist. The bones felt splintered underneath his fingers, but the blond ignored the piercing horror burning through his chest, preferring the heated haze his mind was swimming in.
His hand moved from the boy's cheek to his neck, calloused fingers closing around the soft skin. Tanjirou let out a terrified squeek, his free hand shotting up to grasp at the limb slowly cutting off his airways.
In a flare of anger, the blond slammed his friend against the ground, moving to straddle him as Tanjirou arched against the sudden pain, a choked gasp escaping him. Zenitsu loomed over him, enjoying the feeling of finally being above someone.
They'd all mocked him long enough.
"What ?" Zenitsu began, chilling, dark notes in his voice as he murmured the words out evenly, "You think you have a say in this ? You thought you can say no to this, uh ? You owe me this !" He punctuated each sentence with a squeeze of his hand, watching as Tanjirou's face turned red and his lips faded to blue.
He thought, dazedly, that they looked pretty like that.
Zenitsu loosened his grip on the boy's neck, relinquishing his hold on Tanjirou's wrist as his hand moved to card through soft, scarlet hair, humming softly as Tanjirou writhed underneath him, hacking cough tearing through his frame.
Tanjirou looked up at him with teary eyes, tremors racking through him, his face no longer red but deathly pale.
Just like Nezuko.
His smile grew wider.
"Z-Zenitsu, p-please- !"
"Shhh...", he said, brushing his chapped lips a little more firmly against Tanjirou's soft ones. "It's okay, I know you want this, Nezuko. You love me. You're okay."
Wait. No. Who was in front of him ? What-
Everything felt so heavy, and confusing, so Zenitsu let his eyes drift shut. For a few, peaceful instants, he basked in the beautiful sound that, while slightly corrupted, was still at its core the same, soothing tune.
A surge of protectiveness, as well as revulsion, rushed through Tanjirou, a horrified, appalled expression painting his features as Zenitsu carried on, seemingly unbothered by how his words affected the other boy.
Through the haze of his mind, Zenitsu felt something nudging him, a string of whispered words, quiet enough that he couldn't make sense of them, hovering right at the edge of his consciousness.
He shook his head, clutching his forehead as he immediately regretted the movement.
"Ugh-"
His vision blacked out completely, the dizziness seeming to win over as he slumped over Tanjirou's body, unable to keep himself from collapsing. The haziness and murmuring increased, a chaotic mess of noises and feelings he could neither ignore nor comprehend.
It was deafening.
"Why..." He began, voice thin and cracking. He tightened his grip on Tanjirou's throat, making the teenager gasp, hands scrambling to pry off the dangerous fingers. "Zenitsu ! Please, stop! Ack !"
"QUIET !"
"Quiet ! Be QUIET !"
Everything just felt too loud. He couldn't see anymore, those awful, terrible noises the only thing he could focus on, driving him mad.
"W-Why does everything always has to be so l-loud ?"
He shot upright suddenly, eyes still hidden by messy, blond bangs. The boy underneath him flinched, his uninjured hand flying up to try and push him away.
"Zenitsu, please, we can-"
"It was always so quiet around Nezuko." His gaze finally meets Tanjirou's pained one, Zenitsu's own tears starting to fall out, dropping onto the other slayer's face. Ruby eyes, while still fearful, softened minutely, unsure of what to make of the confession. He remained still, unwilling to somehow trigger the blond again.
"Things were so quiet with her." He sighed, a dreamy look on his tear-stained face, "And the more intimate we got, the quieter it was."
"That morning, when it was just the two of us waiting for the sun to rise."
"I couldn't hear a thing", Zenitsu smiled, his grip on Tanjirou slackening. "Nothing but the beautiful sound her heart made as it beat."
"As it loved. "
A frown twisted his features.
"What do I have to do to get it back ?"
"How do I make sure to keep it to myself this time ?"
Tanjirou's heart was beating erratically, thrumming through Zenitsu's eardrums, intoxicating him as he wanted to hear it more, more, more.
"But you love me, right ?" Zenitsu brought his face closer to Tanjirou's, tears still running down his face as he grinned maniacally at the teenager. "You'll stay with me, right ?" His hands traveled from Tanjirou's neck to the hem of his yukata, teasing the neckline open with his thumbs.
Tanjirou panicked, moving to stop his friend, as acidic bile rose in his throat at the implications behind Zenitsu's words.
"Zenitsu, please! What a-are you talking about? Please, please, you're scaring me! STOP !"
Zenitsu easily batted the boy's flaying hands away, one of Tanjirou's hands pretty much useless and the other one too shaky to accomplish much.
Nezuko's face kept popping in and out of his vision, the person underneath him flicking between the girl's smiling, carefree face and Tanjirou's panicking, terrified visage.
As he started removing the boy's clothes, slipping the fabric off his shoulders, Tanjirou's shouts of protest and fear grew in intensity as pure, unadulterated terror radiated from him.
The blond paid him no mind though, movements growing jerky as the sweet sound he sought so desperately turned more and more into a shriek, leaving Zenitsu unable to reach what he so desired, the quiet akin to a stream of water slipping through his fingers. The sound was the only thing he could focus on as he tuned out the rest of the world.
Zenitsu's assault grew more desperate as the shriek turned into a screaming so horrible that the boy had to let go of his victim to clutch at his ears, unable to withstand the pain that rang through his eardrums.
"Ahh ! Shut up ! Shut up shut up shut upshutupshutupshutup P !"
Nothing made sense anymore, nothing existed but that blasted noise.
A solid mass slammed into him and he connected painfully with the harsh wooden floor, body skidding across the surface.
Other terrible noises joined the screaming, and Zenitsu could only lay there and take it, tremors wracking his frame as he curled up and sobbed.
A fist connecting with the back of his head made his forehead ram painfully against the floor, a loud thud breaking through the fog of his mind, the physical pain tearing him away from his unraveling madness.
"Ah !" He gasped, hand brushing over the sensitive area, feeling wetness there as something dripped between his fingers.
He slowly came back to himself, mind still dazed, the memory of what just was happening - what had just happened - evading him.
He looked up to see Inosuke, a chipped sword in one hand and the other tightened in a white-knuckled fist. The boar-headed teenager was trembling, and Zenitsu could hear anger, rage pulse through him, along with softer tinges of something else, something bitter and sad.
Confusion, fear, and betrayal.
So, so much betrayal.
Inosuke tried to strike him again, the fist almost hitting its mark as Zenitsu scrambled away from the boy, raising his hands as a sign of surrender.
"W-What are you doing? Inosuke! It's me!"
The teenager either didn't hear him or chose to ignore him, because he kicked the blond in the stomach, hard, and Zenitsu felt a few of his bones give out against the blow.
Zenitsu collapsed, clutching his ribs as he wheezed and coughed, the horrible pain shotting through his frame with every breath.
"Wh-Wha-", the boy coughed harshly, struggling to form words, "What t-the FUCK, Inosuke ?"
The other slayer was panting heavily, and it didn't look like he was going to calm down anytime soon, if the tremors running through him were anything to go by.
He was about to open his mouth to demand some explanations for the unwarranted violence when it wasn't even morning, but something behind Inosuke caught his eye.
His blood ran cold as the last of the fog cleared out.
It all came back in a rush, clarity shining a new light on what he'd just done.
Oh god no
Tanjirou was kneeling on the engawa, a dull look in his wide eyes, seemingly lost in his own mind, lips slightly parted as he struggled to breathe. He was shaking so badly Zenitsu could almost feel the wooden floor rattle beneath him, and he could definitely hear the erratic heartbeat. The blond feared for a moment his friend was going to die of a heart attack, right here and there.
That wasn't the worst part.
His eyes narrowed on the yukata still slipped off one shoulder.
On the circle of red bruising blossoming against his neck.
On the ruffled red hair, some strands sticking to his face from the dried tears.
On the purplish, twisted wrist that laid limply by Tanjirou's side.
On the scratching marks against his pale, frightened face.
No. The worst part was that he had been the one to inflict such atrocities on his friend.
God. God.
If Inosuke hadn't stopped him-
God.
He'd been about to-
Oh god.
He retched, his stomach convulsing as he realized just how much of an abject monster he was.
Once he was done, he was shaking just as much as his two other-
No. They were not his friends anymore. The despair he felt as the realization sank in was just as gutting as the revulsion he felt towards himself.
He looked at Inosuke then, not sensing nor expecting any pity from him.
The boar-headed teenager stepped closer towards him, anger steadily growing.
He didn't avoid the next blow.
Or the ones after that.
TW: non-consensual touching, mentions of sexual assault (nothing explicit)
I love Zenitsu, don't get me wrong- I fully know that's not how he is in canon. Still, I wanted to write a fic about what grief, insecurities, denial and a mf load of lack of sleep can drive you to. Not excusing what he's done here in any way though.