I've always loved you … and now, things are just really too complicated to say it now.
It replayed over and over in his mind. He had given up hope of ever hearing those words spoken outside of a dream. But she had said it. He had heard it. He heard it and didn't know what to do.
He battled himself constantly.
She didn't mean it.
Yes, she did!
No, she only said it to save us.
No one fakes a lie that big, that quickly.
She is married.
That doesn't mean it's any less true. She could love us both.
She had her time to be with you and didn't chose you.
We were young and stupid. She got pregnant and panicked. Did what she thought she had to do.
This went on and on. The back and forth. He tried to shut down the chaos by casually truth or daring it out of her. She wouldn't answer. He thought that would be enough to tell him her intentions, but his brain went back to battling.
She didn't answer because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
No, she didn't answer because she's married and the guilt of that is weighing on her.
She is happily married with two kids!
She never wanted to marry Will, she turned him down constantly, but only said yes when she was scared.
She still said yes.
But she also said no!
He couldn't escape the questioning that was eating him alive. He wished he had someone to talk to about what to do with the information, but truth be told, he felt a lot of guilt for hoping she wanted to be with him.
Will was a good man and had always been kind to him over the years. He didn't want Will to be hurt by any of this. He also didn't want to be that guy that broke up a family. He loved Henry and Michael like his own and to think of being the person who came between their parents made him sick.
Following the case, Spencer took some time off. He told Emily his mom was having some trouble adjusting to her new medication and he wanted to spend time helping her adjust. He really spent it cooped up in his apartment avoiding J.J. and hoping when he returned, they could go back to being friends.
No such luck. His first day back they were sent on a case and as usual, Emily paired them together. Not at all what he had been hoping for. But they solved the case and did so while awkwardly pretending like those words hadn't been released into the world.
After that case, Spencer learned to speak up quickly when assignments were being divvied up.
"Luke I want you to go to the doctor's office and speak with the receptionist –"
"Mind if I tag along? I have some thoughts I'd like to explore," he piped in.
"Tara and Dave, go talk with the ME –"
"I actually would like to speak with the ME. Something about this feels familiar and I believe they would have valuable insight into that theory."
He always offered a convincing lie to get himself paired up with anyone but J.J. He didn't think it was noticeable to anyone. At least he thought that was the case.
It was a warm summer evening and the team had gathered to celebrate the engagement of Emily and Andrew. Spencer spent most of the evening catching up with Derek Morgan, who had just walked off to change Hank, when he saw J.J. making her way toward him.
He was underneath a bulky tree in Rossi's backyard, hidden from the suns scorching rays. He tried to remain calm and casual, but it was hard as he watched her walking toward him. Her floral summer dress blew lightly in the gentle summer wind. Her hair loose with the ends curling slightly.
What he wouldn't give to run his fingers through her hair. To taste her soft, white skin. To know what makes her moan, what makes her cry, what makes her beg for more. To feel her arms around him as they slept. So many things ran through his mind as he lifted his glass of tea, shakily to his lips.
"Hey," she said softly when she was close enough.
"Hey," he replied, as he looked away to try and find something to focus on.
"Having fun?"
"Yeah," he said, kicking himself internally.
Why was he making this so awkward? Just talk to her like you would have in the past.
"You?"
"Yeah, it's great," she said nodding and turning to look away from him.
They both looked around the yard, neither of them really seeing anything of interest. Spencer cleared his throat.
"So, uh, how's Will?"
If he could've slapped himself in the face in that moment he would've. How's Will? What kind of stupid question was that? For a genius he was truly dumb sometimes.
"He's good. He had to work," she said.
"Oh, cool."
He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole. Get him far, far away from this horribly awkward conversation.
"How's your mom? Emily mentioned she was trying some new medication."
Thankfully she knew how to have a normal conversation. Spencer adored how she could always get past his social fails and make things so calm and casual. He could always be himself with her.
"She's good. This new medicine supposedly has less side effects and shows promising results with delaying cognitive loss. So far, not much to brag about."
"I'm glad to hear they are trying something, rather than just being complacent. Who knows? Maybe the cure is just around the corner," she said optimistically.
Spencer couldn't help but glance at her. She was smiling at him and despite trying to avoid it, a smile stretched across his lips as well. She had a knack for doing that to him.
"So, I know this is kind of an odd question and I'm probably just being paranoid," she started rambling as she scanned Rossi's yard again. "But you aren't avoiding me, are you?"
Spencer looked away, then back at her, then away again.
"No, no … not at all. Why … why would you think that?" he said as he coughed a little on his tea.
"It just seems like you are trying to pair yourself with other team members and I didn't know if I was just being sensitive or …" she trailed off as she peeked at him from under her lashes.
"I'm not avoiding you. I wouldn't do that," he said quickly.
J.J. nodded before sipping her drink. She gave him a quick sad smile.
"Yeah, it was silly to even ask. I should, um, go check on the boys," she said before she wandered off.
Spencer sighed in frustration. So, it was noticeable. There had to be another way around this. Another way to be able to work with J.J. and not have to avoid her. He had to come up with something fast, before the others started questioning him too.
(xxxxx)
A/N: this is for all the Jeid fans. I was always a Spemily fan, but just this once I think I'll jump aboard your ship. Here is the story of what could've happened rather than what you will get on TV. Hope it's everything you wanted and more!
Also, please do not send me comments telling me how awful J.J. is for this. I already know everyone's feelings about it – I read Twitter and all those other social media sites where fans are complaining about it. You are entitled to your opinion, but that criticism is no help to my story. I appreciate it.