Authors Note: This story is in progress for about 5 years now and I finally decided to publish it… I hope that there are still some Ballykissangel fanfiction readers out there and I hope you enjoy this take of a different storyline after Peter's retreat.

If my language is not always correct I excuse myself for I am not a native English person, but I put a lot of editing in it and hope it is ok. I'm happy if you tell me about any mistakes - that way I can learn! Reviews are of course very welcome. Thanks for reading and have fun!

Part 1 - Back and Forward

Peter Clifford had started the day with mixed feelings. He was definitely glad that the retreat was over, but he did not feel the self assurance about going home that he had hoped to gain over these few weeks of absence from Bally-K. Assumpta was still in his head, the doubts, the ill feeling of leading the wrong life. All that was written in his face and there was a certain bitterness in his eyes and a close watcher could notice that he had lost the happy-go-lucky attitude that he had around himself as he arrived in Bally-K the first time about two years ago.

He had hoped to get a warm welcome from his friends and parishioners, but the first thing he had to find out, was that his home was occupied by a couple of young female tourists who were giggling around the place half naked. His anger raised faster than usual. As if it was boiling already inside him. How could Brian just rent out HIS home to anyone else! He had only been away for three weeks. At least now he had a good reason to walk into Fitzgerald's. He needed a coffee and friends to talk to. His heart was beating fast. How would it be to meet her again after these three weeks of absence? He was scared and keen at the same time to find out if the retreat has had the effect that Father Mac had intended when sending him away.

Disappointment and relief rushed through him when he saw that there was no sign of Assumpta but Niamh behind the bar. Brendan and Shioban were there as well and he was happy to see a few familiar faces. Strange only that each of them was sitting alone at different sides of the bar instead of sitting side by side, wrapped up in some conversation.

Peter came to the bar still shouldered with his backpack. With a look around he greeted everyone but the answer was not very joyous and enthusiastic. With an irritated feeling, he ordered a coffee from Niamh who had at least welcomed him with more than three words. He had been looking forward to that feeling of coming home that usually took hold of him as soon as he entered Fitzgerald's, but today it felt indeed like entering a fridge. What the heck was going on?

After he had learned about the circumstances and why Brain had rented his house to some American tourists, the question that burned his tongue was still not answered. He finally dared to ask: "Niamh, where is Assumpta?"

"Oh, she went to see Leo in London!" Niamh's face brightened up and she lowered her voice speaking now gossip talk. "I think she finally came to her senses. Who knows – maybe we'll hear wedding bells ringing soon...?" She sounded clearly satisfied by being able to share the latest news about her friend's love life.

Peter felt like someone had punched him into is guts. He hardly could breathe. Being in retreat he had imagined a lot of things, but never it had occurred to him that she could be going to marry Leo. "I thought she wanted to see her friend in Dublin, the one with the wine bar?" he managed to ask back with a shaky voice.

"Well, if you had to choose between a wine bar and a handsome guy who has a crush on you... what does sound more promising? Well, you wouldn't know, of course, Father...", she laughed. With a fake grin, he tried to cover his true feelings.

How could he think a few weeks of retreat could drive her out of his head, could stop his feelings for her? With a sudden clearness of mind, he finally realized he had been fooling himself all the time. Even more. He had never intended to forget her, to cut his deeper feelings for her. Niamh's gossip talk had taught him the lesson that a hundred prayers and sermons never had... The true changes in his life were yet to come.

His head was humming, suddenly he felt restless but did not know what to do or to think first. Going on with this conversation was not an option. He had to go and think about this whole mess in peace and quiet. Not caring about what the others thought, he abruptly changed the subject. "Well, Assumpta is a grown woman. She'll know what's best for her. I'll have to attend to my problem now and find out about my accommodation."

"Sorry, Father... Go and talk to my dad. I'm sure you'll find a solution with him." "Yeah, sure... Can I leave my stuff here as long as I..." "Of course! You can put it over there." Niamh pointed into the corner with the telephone and Peter dumped his backpack there. "See you later!" he said with a last look at his moping friends at each end of the bar and left Fitzgerald's.

Peace and quiet. He used to find that in St. Joseph's, but as he thought about the church building right now it felt more like a prison. Instead, he decided to walk down to the river. When he came close to the riverbank and felt save to be outside the view of villagers, he started to run. He ran until his lungs burnt. Then he fell exhausted on a huge rock close to the river. He tore his wet hair. The emotions had hit him with an intensity he wasn't prepared for. He never knew he could be that jealous. But now as it seemed that he could lose her forever to Leo a big fear of being too late and losing the love of his life filled his heart. Niamh mentioning the wedding bells had finally opened his eyes. Without Assumpta he was nothing. Bally-K was empty and cold. Even the pub and the regulars did seem to fall apart. Nothing seemed to be in place anymore. This was not how he wanted it to be.

His heart was yearning for her. He had expected her to be here like she always was. And that he could have carried on with being friends like it used to be. But this was not going to happen. He had seen how serious Leo was about Assumpta. He wouldn't waste his chance. That was for sure.

Peter knew it was crazy. But he had to go to London and see her. He would not let Leo marry her without having another chance to talk to her. Not without telling her that she was the love of his life.

Another thing was suddenly clear to him. Strange at all, that during the three weeks he hadn't found the answer and now a single chat at the bar had... He had been lulled by all the religious routines and talks at the abbey and the feeling of security that church had always given him. But somehow it had paralysed him and he was only slowly becoming agile in his mind. His career as a priest was over. He knew now that it wasn't the life he wanted to live. Not any more. Things had changed. He had changed. He was going to leave the priesthood and be free to love the woman he had found in his life. The thought filled him with such a relief that surprised him.

Resolved and determined he stood up and walked back into the village. He had to talk to Father Mac.

Walking back along the river his thoughts became clearer and he felt a calmness thinking about the decision he had made. It was the right thing, he knew it. Now as he had taken the decision to leave priesthood it did not seem too difficult any more. It rather felt like he could breathe again.

It would not be easy to talk to his "boss" who had never missed a chance to humiliate him. He had never been scared of him though. And now he just felt relieved that this "relationship" was soon to be over. That it was going to be over with guilt. With guilt for not being enough, for not having enough belief, discipline, willpower or whatever else – to be a priest. Well, a bit guilt would be there... for leaving his parishioners. He had always loved to work with people in a community and to be there for personal conciliation and guidance.

His belief was still there – in God. Not in church so much though. He had always felt he was a bit different than most of his fellow colleagues. He did not fit in, as Father Mac had put it once. Well, he no longer needed to fight that struggle of making everything right just to give certain people satisfaction.

As he had expected Father Mac had not been amused when he told him his decision to leave orders. But in the end, Peter felt that he seemed to be relieved too. Relieved to be rid of his rebellious English priest. He had wanted to get rid off him already before – of course, he would have preferred another way of leaving. There had been a minute when Peter even had the feeling that Father Mac understood his situation better than he would ever admit and made him wonder about women and love in Father Mac's life.

As Father Mac had asked about his future plans Peter had given him a very vague answer. He had told him that he had to leave for England because of urgent family matters and that he would come back to sort out things over here and have a proper goodbye to the parishioners. (He had to tell himself that this tiny lie was for a greater good and after all – Assumpta felt like she was family – almost). Again Father Mac was not delighted. He had given him a long sharp look and tried to persuade Peter to take to heart not coming back regarding all the gossip and rumours his leaving would initiate. But Peter did obviously have different views about a smooth arrangement. There'd be a lot of gossip of course, but he would deal with that later. What he did not want was to disappear without talking to the people, his friends and parishioners. Just right now his priorities were focusing on Assumpta. How his life would be after meeting her – he did not have a clue.