"Are we there yet?"

Eddy growled. "No, Lumpy, it's a bit further." He pointed at something visible in a distance. "Ya see that old road bridge?"

"Uh huh."

"It's south of that."

"I am concerned, Eddy." Edd nervously looked around. "We are a long distance away from a safe haven."

"Ya really think there's a safe spot anywhere in the Mojave?"

"Freeside is a familiar brand of threat, at the very least. And you have yet to explain your current scheme."

"If I explained it earlier, you'd be all like 'oh jeez, it's a stupid idea, Eddy'."

"Because most of your ideas are half-baked at best!"

"See, that's what I'm talking about!"

"Less argue and more exposition?" Ed asked.

"Yeah, yeah. So, there used to be an NCR base in Searchlight."

"Yes, it's -used to?"

"Yes. The Legion dirty-bombed it. The place's irradiated to high hell."

"Bastards." the big guy spat.

"I concur."

"Whoever could have run, did," Eddy continued, "and they've left all their stuff behind. And this is where we come in." He put his arm around his large friend's shoulder. "Well, this is where Monobrow comes in. He gets in, grabs anything valuable he can carry, gets out, and we sell it in Novac or Nipton. He's like a super mutant already, a few rads won't faze 'im."

"What about any hazardous wildlife that could've moved in? Or ghoulified remains of soldiers that didn't evacuate in time?"

Ed looked at him quizzically. "I, uh, punch them?"

"Sounds... reasonable, I suppose." Edd sighed. "But Ed, if you somehow get severely wounded, or if you begin to feel weak because of radiation, retreat immediately."

He saluted. "Right-o, Mister Doctor Double D!"

"I don't think he'll have to," Eddy said, "but hey, no scavenge's worth more than your own hi-"

He paused, as someone has appeared on the top of a hill next to the road, and then promptly tumbled back down, ending up in a heap right in front of the Freesiders.

The person was a woman, not older than them, and with no faction or gang colors on herself. Her face was hidden by her messy long blonde hair. She moved it away, unholstered a scoped trail carbine, and pointed it towards where she had been a moment ago in one swift motion. It almost looked like she didn't trip while escaping and tried to salvage the situation.

"Um..."

"Retribution!" A Legionary appeared where the girl was standing, and then tumbled down, with a .44 bullet in his brain. His corpse landed in front of the Follower, who was less than thrilled with this turn of events.

"Don't tell me you're bothered by a dead guy." the girl announced

"Our approach to conflict resolution is more..." Edd explained, as Ed moved the corpse out of his sight with as much tact as you'd expect. "...Rincewindian than Ridcullian."

"Huh?"

"We run away a lot." Eddy translated. "What's your name and story, girl?"

"Um, that's May. And she's-" Ed began, but the ringleader stopped him.

"Lumpy, this is a different universe, we don't know each other yet! Read the, uh," he glanced up, "second world of the description."

"Pro-lo-goo-eh. Uh, prologue. Sorry." He helped the girl up. "So, what's your name, May?"

The other two rolled their eyes.

"And you?" May responded. "This is Mojave, you might pop a cap in me for my colors."

"We're Freesiders. Name's Eddy." Eddy turned around and pointed at the emblem on his leather jacket. "I'm with the Kings, the big guy's Ed and he's between jobs, and the thin guy, Double D, is-"

"...a Follower, I recognize the labcoat."

"And you're a…?"

"I'm a courier. I was transporting a package with my sisters when a Legion patrol ambushed us." She raised her trail carbine. "I couldn't do much with a long-range firearm, so I… retreated."

"Ran away and left your family behind."

"Eddy!"

"I'll wait until the night and get them out. They're tough, they'll survive a few hours." Noticing the expressions on the Eds' faces, she added, "C'mon, what's the worst thing that could happen to them?" The King answered. A look of horror slowly creeped on May's face. "You- you're messing with me."

"I wish."

"As far as I know, this is standard Legion protocol." Edd confirmed.

"...I can't do this sober." She pulled out a worn-out inhaler and huffed something from it. " Whoa. Alright, I've gotta find a vantage point and pick 'em out one by one. Unless y'all have a better plan."

The King scanned the surroundings for an inspiration and his eyes landed on the Legionary's corpse. "Yeeeeah, we do. For a symbolic payment."

"Eddy, I am positive that demanding payment from someone in such situation is unethical at best."

"That's why I said "symbolic", Bleeding Sock."

She put the inhaler back in her pocket. "I've got a few hundred NCR bucks on me. I'll pay ya when you get my sisters free." She put her carbine in the holster on her back. "I'm gonna look for a sniper spot, as a Plan B. If I see ya not die, we're meeting under the road bridge."

"See ya there then." Eddy waved her away, then turned to his friend. "Sockhead, you go and find a hiding place. This is a two-man con."

The Legion raid camp was relatively well-established. A few small tents for troops to sleep in, a big one, holding all the supplies, a campfire in the middle of it, and a few thick planks used as benches, and some decaying heads on pikes to tie the place together.

A decanus and two rank-and-file recruits were standing guard, watching the two captured slaves tied back-to-back next to the campfire - a well-built redhead with messy curly hair, and her skinny blue-haired sister, with a fringe covering her right eye. The damages on both suggested they hadn't gone gentle.

"A-weh."

The silence was broken by someone approaching the camp in an ever-so-slightly undersized armor-

"Not my fault those pricks are underfed." Eddy growled at the narrator.

-and a big guy in tattered clothes following him behind.

"Who are you?" the decanus asked, as one of the legionaries raised his spear.

"Put the poking stick down. I am… Eduardus of Arizona" the King fibbed. "And this is Obelus, a slave. We were sent by the higher-ups downriver."

"By who, exactly?"

Eddy mustered all of his courage and stared him in the eyes. "No time for this. I've got a tip from our spies that there's an NCR sniper in the town up north with a real chip on his shoulder."

The decanus scoffed. "What can a single man do to us?"

"I dunno, you can go and ask the raiders, or our men from Nelson that tried to get 'im." A pause. "Oh wait, ya can't, 'cause he shot them in their dumb faces before they noticed! "

"And what do," cue air quotes, " the higher-ups expect us to do?"

"First, we ship the slaves. Then, we move the camp further south."

The hand of the decanus slowly moved towards the worn-out .44 on his hip. "Why the slaves first?"

"Uh, 'cause y- we are expected to fight and die for Ceasar, and the slaves are just dead weights in combat?" he said, in a tone suggesting the other guy's an idiot for even asking the question.

"Hey, if ya untie me, I can show ya how good at combat I am" the redhead snarked. The spear-wielding legionary kicked her in the side.

"Also, they could get killed in the shootout, wasting time and effort we spent on capturing them." the King finished.

"I'll walk with you then." The other Legionary got up. "Letting one man escort three slaves is asking for trouble."

"No worries." Eddy pointed at 'Obelus'. "This guy over here's totally dedicated to the Legion, he'll help me wrangle the other two. Right, big guy?"

"Aye-aye!" He clicked his heels and saluted with his left hand. "Heil tovarisch See-zar!"

"He's got the spirit, at least."

"Enough of this farce." The decanus unholstered and cocked his gun. "Does the NCR really believe we will not be able to spot such obvious spies?"

"Me? With the NCR?" Eddy felt cold sweat on his back. "What's Latin for 'absurd'?"

Then, a crack of a fired laser pistol. A red line went above everyone's heads, connecting with the face of a fourth legionary, who the other two Eds failed to notice, and who was standing over the equally oblivious tunnel-visioned sniper with his machete out. The man's body glowed red for a moment before crumbling to dust.

"And the word you wanted is ridiculus !"

Eddy turned to the Follower, tucked behind a tent. "Sockhead, I told ya to hide!"

"Trust me, I'd prefer to do so!"

Before the decanus could process what was happening, May started implementing Plan B, and everything above his neck became a fine red mist.

"Lumpy, cover!" Eddy hid behind his more bulletproof friend and pulled out his own gun, a silenced 12.7 mm pistol. He peeked from behind Ed's back to try and aim in the Legionaries' vague direction, and then he spotted the redhead charging towards the spear-wielding one. One stab to the throat later, he wasn't a problem. The King turned his attention to the third Legion member and noticed the blue-haired girl aiming the decanus's revolver at him. She kept shooting until the hammer struck an empty chamber a few times.

For whatever reason, Eddy didn't feel comfortable enough to put his gun away.

"You." the redhead pointed the bloodied knife at the two. "Who are ya with?"

"H-how did you get out?" Ed asked. "W-where did the knife come from?"

"Improved holdout. Answer the question."

"They're with me, Lee." May walked down from the her sniper spot towards them. "They offered to help me get y'all out."

"Really? I'm glad an' all," Lee put the knife away, "but we would've gotten out ourselves."

"Oh really?" Eddy protested. "If my man didn't take down that fourth guy, the blonde would've been a shishkebab!" Pause. "Wait, where is he?"

The five peeked behind the tent and noticed the Follower leaning against it, breathing heavily. His hands were trembling.

"You alright?" Marie asked.

"Wait, we didn't introduce-"

"We all know who I am, let's skip that part."

"I-I-I-" Edd started.

May pulled out an inhaler and offered it to him. "You want a hit?"

The idea of an extensively used inhaler getting close to his mouth was enough for the Follower to get his bearings together. "No, thanks. I just… I-I a-abhor lethal measures. Unless the situation is d-dire, I would r-rather run or hide than take away someone's life."

Lee crossed her arms. "Even if they're a bunch of creepy raiders enslaving people?"

"Yes." Edd sighed, twiddling his thumbs. "I u-understand that violence can be the only option in situations like this one, but I would rather not be the one pulling the trigger."

"So," the blue-haired girl piped in, "if I told ya we're Great Khans, you won't try and shoot us?"

All the uneasiness and disgust on Edd's face was replaced by fury. "You are WHAT ?!"

Eddy glanced at him. "Is that personal?"

Ed glanced at the fourth wall. "Was this crossover just an excuse to call Lee, May and Marie 'Khankers'?"

Yes, but that's not the point. The Follower got up and angrily dusted himself off. "The entire… the whole bloody drug-running operation that the Great Khans have going on stems from the knowledge that the Followers of the Apocalypse have provided, you degenerates! "

Marie shrugged. "You do what you gotta do to get by."

"THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE, YOU ACCURSED DRUG MULES!"

"Can ya insult us more quietly, please?" Lee demanded, before turning to the King. "What did May offer ya for your help?"

"A few hundred NCR bucks. Like, really symbolic, 'cause I didn't want to work for free but didn't wanna leave ya on Legion's mercy either."

"Let's make it five hundred." She reached in her pocket and pulled out five banknotes. "On top of that, we split the loot from the camp fifty-fifty, and, as a personal favor, we escort ya back to Freeside. Y'all live in Freeside, yes?" The boys nodded.

"Why?" the middle Khanker protested. "We would've gotten out on our own without them!"

"Because those three guys stuck their neck out for us for chump change. Ya gotta encourage this behaviour." She glanced at Edd. "Also, a guy that hates killing in the year 2281 is, like, an endangered species."

"Also, again, I'd be shishkebab'd." May added.

"Weren't we supposed to go to that NCR camp?" Ed asked the King.

Eddy glanced at the still-shaken Follower. "Maybe another time. We're still alive, we've got a profit, let's grab whatever's valuable and go home."

"Dibs on the revolver!" Marie shouted.