Note: Hi all. Here it is. The hotly anticipated Cassandra confession chapter. Trying to get this right was very stressful, so we hope you enjoy it. There's obviously going to be way more we have to cover in the future, but we wanted to get everything out in the open and established in his chapter, probably hitting some things you may not be expecting. Also, fair warning: this whole story has been angsty as hell, but this one chapter touches upon some pretty dark things specifically. Heads up. Anyway, we hope you enjoy.
And there it was.
Rapunzel knew it was coming. She was mentally bracing herself for it all day, and yet, now that she finally heard it, it still didn't seem entirely real. She was so unprepared for it that she wasn't even aware of how she responded until she heard the sound of her own voice.
"O-Oh. Okay…"
She didn't mean for it to come out so…offensive. Cassandra immediately turned away from her, her cheeks flushed and sputtering something fierce.
"Hey, you wanted me to tell you," she said angrily. "There you go. You can't be fucking mad about it."
"No, I didn't…" Rapunzel reached out to Cassandra, but she was rejected outright.
"I know. God, this was stupid—"
"No, Cass, seriously," Rapunzel said quickly. Before Cassandra could push her away again, Rapunzel grabbed onto her hand and squeezed it tightly. She leaned forward, making sure Cassandra could see that she was still smiling. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I'm not mad or anything, I promise. It's okay."
Cassandra sighed. She wanted to believe her. She shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair, muttering mostly to herself. "Fuck, this is so weird."
Rapunzel let out a small laugh. "Yeah. It's kind of weird."
"I'm actually telling you this. Oh my God…"
"But it's okay. It's okay." Rapunzel said it more firmly. "You have these…feelings…and that's fine. You shouldn't feel bad about that. There is never anything wrong with, you know, following your heart. I promise, I'm really okay with this. It's just a lot for me to process."
Cassandra seemed to accept that answer. "Yeah. I can imagine that. It's honestly amazing you never picked up on it."
"I really had no idea," Rapunzel admitted. "I always thought you were satisfied with us being friends. If you wanted more than that—"
"I didn't. I mean, I don't," Cassandra said hastily. "It's not like I want to feel this way. I hate romance. It's all so stupid and distracting. I would love nothing more than if we could just be…you know, us. The way we used to be. It's just that I can't get these dumb thoughts out of my head."
Dumb? Rapunzel wasn't sure about that. Partially, because she hated the idea of anyone being repulsed by their genuine affection for another person, but also because she was deeply familiar with those thoughts. She could think of a lot of words to describe them. Dumb was not one of them. She cleared her throat and cleared her head, rolling Cassandra's hand in her grasp as she tried to keep her friend tethered.
"So, when did you first begin thinking these things?" It was an innocent enough question, though Cassandra answered with an exasperated gasp.
"I don't know. It's not like I marked it on a calendar or anything."
"Was it after we left Corona?"
"No. It was definitely before that," Cassandra said, trying to think back to when this disaster of a crush began. "It was sometime after you got your hair back. I remember that much. I had always liked you. You were pretty much the only person in all of Corona that really seemed to understand me. Dad never gave me a chance. Eugene, I couldn't stand him from the beginning. I don't know…it just sort of crept up on me. One day, I was happy with what we were, and the next, I wasn't."
"But this isn't a new thing," Rapunzel clarified. "You've been feeling like this for a while."
Cassandra nodded. "Yeah. You can say that."
Sure. She could say that. Cassandra had feelings for her for years. She could say that. Just say it out loud like it was nothing. Sure thing.
"Why…why didn't you tell me?" Rapunzel asked. She sounded almost hurt, and Cassandra clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth as she swallowed her shame.
"Like I could ever do that."
"I wouldn't have been mad. I'm not mad now."
"I never thought you'd be mad."
"So, what was the problem?"
"Aside from everything?"
"Seriously, Cassandra. Why did you keep this from me?"
Cassandra rolled her eyes, disappointed in the Princess for not getting it. "What exactly was I supposed to say, Raps?" Rapunzel sat back in silence as Cassandra started to ramble. "I mean…how exactly do you think this would have worked out. Let's take the best-case scenario. I tell you that I'm in love with you, and then what? You already have Eugene. Would you just, what, abandon him and jump into my arms? We'd ride off together into the fucking sunset or something? No. What would happen is that you would awkwardly turn me down, and I would be exactly where I was before…only the one good relationship I had in Corona would be ruined by this…this dumb, awkward cloud hanging over our heads. Screwing up our friendship would be the best thing that could happen. That's what would happen if no one found out."
"I wouldn't tell anyone," Rapunzel insisted, but Cassandra just chuckled and laughed away her concerns.
"Please. I know you. The second things started getting too complicated between us, you would rush to tell Eugene, and God knows he would never let me live it down. He could hardly stand me before. If he thought I was trying to steal you away from him, who knows what he'd do to me. I'd never hear the end of it. I swear, I can hear his stupid, mocking voice right now, laughing at me. If he decided to spend the rest of his life making fun of me, I don't know if I could deal with that, but if he decided to tell anyone else—shit, he never shuts up, does he? Of course, he would tell everyone. Once that got out…God, imagine the stories. Handmaiden falls in love with her Princess. Failed guard tries to woo royalty. Degenerate romance in Corona! They would take me away from you, move me halfway across the continent, and throw me in a convent without a second thought. Maybe your dad would just throw me in a cell if he thought I ever did anything to you."
Rapunzel scowled. "You know I wouldn't let that happen to you."
Cass simply scoffed. "There would be nothing you could do. Your dad didn't even let you leave Corona for a year. It's not like anyone thought I was worth protecting. Everything I had ever worked for, everything I ever wanted…all of that would be taken from me because of some stupid emotions that I can't even control. I couldn't risk that. Not while we were still in Corona." She stopped herself briefly, throwing back her head and longingly looking up at the stars. "But, by the time we even left Corona…"
"What was that?" Rapunzel asked. She leaned in. "Sorry, I-I missed that part."
Cassandra smiled sadly. It was funny, in a way. She had done such a good job of burying all those feelings, pushing them down one at a time whenever they threatened to hurt her. Yet somehow, now that she finally had to deal with them permanently, they were assaulting her all at once. It was too much to even be upset about. She thought it was perfect, actually. Let the universe overwhelm her. It didn't owe her anything anymore.
"You know, thinking about it…there was actually a time I thought about telling you," Cassandra admitted softly. "I think it may have been when we were stranded on the island. There was something kind of calming about being trapped there. Being so far away from the rest of the world helped put my mind at ease. It didn't matter what anybody else thought. I realized that if I was there, if I managed to actually tell you…maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I was even stupid enough to think that I had a shot. You were my best friend, and I mean, what was my competition, really? Eugene? He didn't treat you good enough. He was always so self-centered and arrogant. No, I thought, I could treat you better than him. It must have been the sun talking. But damn, I remember actually feeling confident about it. I simmered on it for a whole week. My confidence about it just grew and grew, and I thought to myself: yeah. Screw it. I'll take my shot at her. What did I really have to lose?"
Cassandra sighed, fragments of tears welling up in her eyes. "I don't know what you see in him. I don't think I'll ever understand what you see in him. Of all the people in the world you could be with, and you Eugene Fitzherbert. It's crazy to me. But I remember that night I was going to talk to you. I was going to take you to a secluded place and just spill everything. Or at least, spill something. But when I found you, you were already with him. You didn't notice me for a few moments, so I just had the chance to watch you. And when I looked at your face, it kind of just…hit me. The way you were looking at him…fuck, he meant everything to you. It was like you looking at an angel or something. There was just something unbreakable and pure about it that really got to me. I finally realized what I was going up against. It wasn't just the world holding me back. If I tried to be with you, I would be taking you away from him. I would have to mean as much to you as he does. And…when I tried to think about it, about what I would have to do to make you look at me like that…I realized…"
A quiet, dull smile crossed her lips. She shrugged innocently but was unable to hide the sadness in her voice. "Nothing. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried…nothing would ever make you love me as much as you love him. Being with me would just drag you down into something worse than you already had. I couldn't ask you to do that. I…I cared about you too much to force you to settle for me. I've always been smart enough not to fight battles I knew couldn't win, so…I kept my mouth shut. I put on a smile. I buried those feelings again. And I just kept living with it. I never wanted you to be burdened by any of this."
Rapunzel sat in silence, trying to process all of it. It was that smile that seemed to break her. That acceptance. She wanted to pull Cassandra into a hug and just tell her how much she was loved. Hell, she would kiss her if she needed to, just to prove that point. But she couldn't bring herself to move. Maybe that was because the things that Cassandra was telling her weren't lies. She did love Eugene…more than her? It wasn't like that. It wasn't supposed to be, at least. He was her everything. She couldn't imagine her life without him. What she had for Cassandra was powerful, but it was completely different. She didn't know if she would necessarily call it less, but…maybe she would? It wasn't really a fair comparison. They were two completely different things.
Dammit, how was she honestly supposed to compare anything to the love she had for Eugene? She didn't even love Pascal in the same way she loved him. It was ridiculous for Cassandra to expect that she could have those kinds of feelings for her. Rapunzel cared a lot about her. Wasn't that good enough? They were sisters. She knew Cassandra hated that word, but what made that so bad? Sisters was the closest thing they could ever be, and Cass couldn't accept that. She had to suffer because she wanted more. Why would she let herself be heartbroken over something that was never going to happen?
No, wait…that wasn't fair of her. She said it herself: She couldn't help the way she felt. How many times did Rapunzel talk about the beauty of true love? Now here she was, trying to dismiss those feelings because they were inconvenient. Cassandra loved her. She could say that to herself. Not out loud. Not yet. But she could admit that quietly. She thought back to when she thought she had lost Eugene to Stalyan, the Baron's daughter. She remembered that bitterness and jealousy she had toward that woman, even when there was barely a chance that she would actually steal Eugene away from her. If she had lost Eugene to her, if she had to watch him be happy with someone else every single day…heck, if she knew that he was better off without her, how would she live with that? The answer is that she probably wouldn't. She would fight tooth and nail to bring him back to her. She would dedicate everything she had to win back his love. She certainly wouldn't smile about it. She wouldn't accept it.
As if Cassandra had that choice.
"Cass," Rapunzel said slowly. "First of all, I'm not burdened by any of this."
Also a lie. Cassandra's snicker told her that it was too obvious.
"I mean, yes, this is weird for me," Rapunzel had to admit. "But I want you to know that I'm here for you. I know that this must be really hard. I'm really lucky that I was able to find someone who cared about me like that. I guess that meant I ended up looking at this through rose-tinted glasses. I must have assumed that just because everything worked out for me, it would somehow work for everyone else. I never had to think about how hard this could be, or even that it was possible for someone not to get what they wanted. I guess there are a lot of things I'm pretty naïve about." Rapunzel, brimming with forced enthusiasm, scooted forward and placed her hands on Cassandra's shoulders, trying her best to encourage her. "But, maybe I can help you. I mean, I…I have Eugene, but…that doesn't mean that you can't be happy with someone else. You don't have to just be lonely. I'm sure we can work together and find someone else for you. You're so special, Cass. There has to be someone out there who will make you happier than I could."
She was trying. Dammit, she was trying. But Cassandra's shoulders were tense beneath her palms, and her pained smile didn't fade. Cass simply rolled her eyes again.
"No. I don't really think there is," she stated firmly. "There isn't anyone quite like you."
Rapunzel squeezed Cass tightly. "Come on. Don't say that."
"No, really, it's fine," Cassandra said bluntly. She took Rapunzel's hands and gently removed them one at a time, moving them back into the Princess's laps. Rapunzel thought her touch lingered a little longer than necessary, though it may have just been her brain playing tricks on her. "You don't have to do anything. I really don't want this to be a big deal. I accepted what we were a long time ago. I don't know why this is flaring up now, but it'll go away eventually. I just want to focus on getting rid of this curse, and then you can go back to Corona and I'll go back on my own and—"
"I don't want you going on your own if you're going to be miserable," Rapunzel said defensively.
"Trust me," Cassandra stated. "I'll be far more miserable at Corona."
"I doubt that."
"Why do you think I left in the first place? Trust me on this. I got as much out of this as I'm ever going to get. It's better that we just call it now before it gets worse."
Rapunzel grew suspicious. There was something else that was bothering her. It wasn't just the rejection anymore. She could see it in Cassandra's eyes. There was something else that the former handmaiden wasn't telling her. She felt guilty having to probe her more. Cassandra looked like she just wanted to sink into the floor and vanish off the face of the earth. She probably would have bailed in the middle of the night if she hadn't promised to see Rapunzel's quest through to the end. But if they were going to get to the bottom of this, Rapunzel would have to make things as uncomfortable as possible. She pursed her lips and collected her thoughts, ready for the worst.
"I understand why you don't want me to be involved," Rapunzel said calmly, "but that doesn't explain why you want me to hate you."
Cassandra's smile disappeared. She seemed expressionless, but there was something else. Her anger was quiet. Reserved. But it was there, just beneath the surface.
"What are you talking about?"
"That's what you told me when you were drunk," Rapunzel said. "You said you wanted me to hate you."
Cassandra turned away from her. "I thought you said that we didn't talk about anything important."
"I…may have lied a little bit about that."
"No shit."
"You were drunk. You didn't know what you were saying. I wanted to give you space."
"Sure, you did. Goddammit…"
"Why do you want me to hate you?"
"Any other dumb, embarrassing things I admitted to you while I was drunk?"
"Cass, I want an answer."
"Fuck, did you actually know I loved you and just didn't bother to tell me."
"Why do you want me to hate you?"
"I don't want you to hate me."
"Yes, you do. You said so. Why?"
"You know, you were a lot nicer a few minutes ago."
"You're right. Why do you want me to hate you?"
"I don't know, okay?"
"Yes, you do. If you really love me, you will tell me this."
"Oh, don't fucking use that against me."
"I'm sorry—"
"It took you two seconds to use my feelings against me. No wonder I didn't fucking tell you."
"Why do you want me to hate you—"
"Because I hate myself, okay?"
That shut Rapunzel up immediately. She almost gasped at how sudden Cassandra's outburst was. A fire was lit behind Cass's eyes that threatened to run amok and burn her down from within. She dug her fingers into the ground, ripping up a chunk of dirt and casting it into the stream in frustration. It broke apart and filtered down into layers of coarse sediment at the bottom. She pushed out her breath and gave herself in to the inevitable.
"You said that there was more to me. For a moment, I think I actually believed you," Cassandra admitted. "But look at me. What more is there to any of this? I haven't been able to help anyone. I haven't been able to protect you. Every single time I look at you, I feel this fucking darkness creeping back into me. It's like every awful thing I've ever wanted to do to you is just spinning inside of my head. What good has actually come from me being here?"
"Lots of things," Rapunzel said desperately. "You're my best friend, Cass."
"And what good is that?" Cassandra asked bluntly. "Great, I'm your friend. It's not like anyone else cares. It's not like I'm satisfied with that. It's not like that's stopped me from wanting to hurt you."
"You would never hurt—"
"I've already hurt you, Raps," Cassandra growled. Her breathing quickened and she raised her voice. "I've hurt so many people, but you? I've hurt you—the only person who genuinely cares about me—more than anybody. These feelings don't change anything. It's not like they've stopped me. You've seen directly inside my head. You know what I'm capable of."
"What you are capable of and what you would actually do are two completely different things," Rapunzel pleaded. "Yes, those visions were terrible. They were really, really bad, but you changed. I know you've changed."
"How?" Cassandra questioned. She looked at her own hands in disgust. "You keep saying that. You act like I'm this completely different person, but why? I don't feel any different than I did before. I can tell myself, sure, I don't want to hurt you now. But you know what? I felt the same way back then. I thought it was absurd that I would ever want to betray you, and guess what? I still did it. I stabbed the woman I loved in the back, and I tried to kill you. What about me has changed since then? My attitude, my manners, my…my what, exactly? What about me is so different now that you think I actually could do any good in the world."
"You have been doing good," Rapunzel claimed. "You've been trying to help people. You set off into the world because you wanted to do good."
Cassandra snapped at her. "And how the fuck has that turned out? It's been one failure after another. Every single time I try to do something good, I failed. Every time I tried to help you, I failed. Adira had to rescue us. Delilah had to rescue us. You had to rescue us. The one thing I'm good at is making people uncomfortable, like I'm doing literally right now by telling you my worthless, dumb, fucking emotions."
"Your emotions aren't…aren't dumb," Rapunzel whispered. Cassandra just laughed at her, sniffling back tears.
"Yeah. Bullshit. You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't know how terrified I am that I'm going to fall back into it. That all of my worst instincts are going to come back and I'll do something I regret. It took something so small to push me over the edge before, and I can just feel myself teetering. I know it's going to happen. I had one chance—one chance—to prove to myself that I had really changed, that I could do some fucking good for somebody else. I failed everyone in Corona, and I failed everybody for these past four months, and most of all, I failed you. You said there was more to me, and I'm telling you that there just…isn't. Whatever you think is worth saving within me doesn't exist."
Cassandra furiously wiped the tears from her eyes. The world had seemingly gone very quiet. The others around the fire had noticed her screaming and were staring at them from afar, but they knew better than to interfere or speak up. Rapunzel was left to deal with Cassandra on her own, with all of her blistering fury and dread and self-loathing. She wasn't prepared for the conversation to take this turn. She was even less prepared for what Cassandra would say next, though it didn't stop Cass from laughing and musing to herself her darkest thoughts out loud.
"You know what's funny? I shouldn't have to be worried about it. All of these problems had solved themselves."
Rapunzel felt her heart get caught in her throat. She wasn't really going there, was she?
"It was the most peaceful I had ever been. It was just calm, peaceful darkness. I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone, or letting people down, or these weird perverted thoughts toward you. People could have looked at me with some kind of honor. I could have been known as a hero."
Please. Not this. She couldn't deal with this…
"It was perfect. A perfect little redemption arc," Cassandra muttered, snorting back her tears. "And then you just…you couldn't let me go, could you? Against all logic and reason, you had to try to save me like you always did. The greatest power in the universe. You could have done so much good with it…and instead, you decided to waste it all on me. You couldn't even let me have that, could you? You're so damn perfect that you couldn't even give me the satisfaction of a noble death. The one time you decided to care…"
Rapunzel had heard enough. They were done. She stopped hesitating. She reached forward and grabbed Cassandra, pulling her in for a hug. She held Cassandra's head against, refusing to let go.
"Stop," she begged. "Just…just stop."
Cass tried to resist. She couldn't pull away. Rapunzel was too strong for her. Or she was far too weak.
"You're so stupid, Raps," she whispered.
"Sshhh. Stop now," Rapunzel told her. "It's okay."
Cassandra was unable to hold back her tears any longer. "Let…let go of me…"
Rapunzel shushed her again. She stroked the back of her head. Warm tears dripped onto her shoulder.
Cassandra lost herself in the hug. God, she was pathetic. When was the last time she cried like this? It had to be since she was a child. Those were easier days.
"It's okay. It's okay," Rapunzel whispered it, wiping away tears of her own. "It's okay, Cass. It's okay now."
Rapunzel held Cassandra against her. It was the only thing she could think to do aside from repeat her mantra over and over again. She held her tightly by the side of the stream, keeping her warm through the night. Cassandra was finally at a loss for words. Crying was all she was capable of. It may have been the first time Rapunzel ever heard her cry that badly. She kept repeating that phrase.
Yeah.
Sure.
It was okay.