Because I Love You
Merlucaforever
NOTES: This fic is based on the promo pics for 16x17 showing Andrew in the middle of his therapy session. I hope you like it.
I apologize for the mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.
Andrew entered his apartment, got rid of his stuff at the entrance – helmet, key, backpack, jacket – before plumping down on the couch. It had been a tough day, a truly tough one. Yet, he was supposed to feel better after his first day back at work and also his third therapy session. But that was not the case. He had taken stock of everything that had happened in the last few weeks and realized that nothing would ever be the same again. He had been pushing away and hurting the two most important people in his life: his sister and... the woman he loved more than anything in the world.
He couldn't even be there for her during the difficult times she was going through. God, what had happened to Alex… no! He still couldn't believe it. He had learned about it from Jackson who had come to check on him in his room the next day after the blizzard. The critical first twelve hours had passed and there were high hopes for his hands. Also, the hospital psychiatrist, sent by Bailey for a consult the night before at the insistence of his sister – and also at the insistence of Jackson who had noticed that he wasn't acting like himself – had managed to soothe his feelings by talking to him and putting him on meds.
Jackson had just finished consulting him when his phone rang.
– "Maggie? What's going on? Calm down please and start all over from the beginning. Where's Meredith?".
Jackson's tone and expression left no room for doubt: something terrible had happened.
– "What happened? Is that Meredith? Oh my God, are the kids okay?", asked Andrew. He suddenly seemed to be in a state of great panic.
– "No, man. Meredith and the kids are fine. It's... it's Alex".
Andrew refused to believe what he saw in Jackson's eyes.
– "Oh my God! What happened?".
– "I… I don't know exactly. I didn't understand much of what Maggie was saying; she was incoherent. I have to go. Mer and Jo are in surgery and they don't know anything yet".
– "I have to go too. I need to see Meredith. She won't stay the course".
– "No, you'd better not move from here if you don't want to be transferred to the psychiatric ward. Meredith managed to convince the psychiatrist to let you stay here. Besides, you mustn't risk injuring your hands or getting an infection in the corridors. Do not play the hero anymore, please".
Once Jackson left, Andrew realized that the news was like a shock that had completely woken him up. The only thing he could think of was that Meredith was going to need him, even if she had her sisters, and that he had to be there for her. It was obvious that she continued to worry about him after he kicked her out of his room.
When he finally managed to find a male nurse, who agreed to help him put on his pants under the patient gown he was wearing – after promising that he would not escape – he left his room and took the elevator to get to the operating rooms floor. As the elevator door opened, he saw Meredith who was about to enter it. He immediately realized that she knew.
The news had had the effect of a bomb in the hospital. The nurse who had helped him had already shared with him the little information he had. Though Alex hadn't worked for several months at Grey Sloan, everyone seemed devastated, as if he had never left and as the matter of fact, he had never left; he was still there and will always be there.
Meredith hesitated before entering the elevator. She probably thought that he was going to step out and said:
– "I… I'm heading down".
Her voice was trembling; it sounded like she had a lump in her throat. She had red eyes, a sign that she had been crying.
– "Me too", he said, not knowing what it was appropriate to say to her under those circumstances, after having acted like an ass with her.
He stepped back to make room for her and saw the tears shining in her eyes and his heart had been gripped by pain. She tried to fight her tears back and turned to press the ground floor button.
– "Don't feel obliged to walk in the snow to save me Andrew. I'm fine. Truly, I'm fine".
Andrew understood, because of the pain he was feeling at that very moment, how much he must have hurt her by telling her that he didn't need her and kicking her out of his room the night before.
He could only see her back and looked at her thick blond hair on her shoulders. He approached her and recognized the enchanting scent of her shampoo. He said:
– "But me, I'm not okay Meredith". His voice broke to a whisper as he repeated: "I'm not okay".
Then Meredith turned to face him and let her tears run down her cheeks. They both knew what it must have cost him to admit that and she seemed so moved. Andrew wanted to hug her to wipe away her tears, but he knew he had lost the right to do so after treating her the way he did. He simply said to her:
– "I'm sorry Mer. I'm so sorry!".
But Andrew's eyes were saying more than his words. He didn't just mean that he was sorry for Alex. His eyes also said to her: "I'm sorry I hurt you. I am sorry to have screwed everything up between us". And, his eyes were also the windows of his soul where she could see the pure love, still intact and so strong, that he felt for her.
Meredith sighed, looked down for a moment at the frostbite on his hands before making eye contact with him again. She took a step towards him and for a brief moment, Andrew saw her sadness, her desolation, her anger at what happened as if she had let down the shell of the strong woman who needed no one's help, a shell which had been hiding her vulnerability so far. But the elevator door suddenly opened before he could hug her as he was about to do so, and they heard Maggie's voice calling Meredith's name.
– "Mer! Hurry up. Link and Amelia have already left with Jo, and Jackson is waiting for us in the car".
Meredith then slowly stepped out and turned around to say:
– "Don't worry, I'm going to be fine. Everything will be fine. Take care of yourself".
Andrew hadn't move and they stared at each other intensely, until the doors closed.
Lying on his couch thinking back to that scene, Andrew felt the same feelings that had overwhelmed him in that elevator.
He had heard that she had taken a few days off and it was only today that he saw her again. He had run into her briefly on the stairs and they couldn't really talk because she was hurrying to the pit. She looked so sad and yet so beautiful. He had spoken to her the way one would speak to a friend who was going through an upsetting time so that she would know that he was there if she needed him, but that's it.
He had had time to think and even if his therapist did not seem to agree with him, he knew it was better to keep things that way. Yes, they couldn't be together anymore because he had nothing to offer her.
His worst fear had become reality: he had become just like his father. And he would never put anyone through that kind of life. Especially Meredith. Especially at that moment. He loved her too much for that. She deserved to be happy. The only way for him not to ruin her life and to be able to continue to live with himself was to let her go.
As he was about to get up to go prepare a salad, he heard a light knock on the door.
"Damn it, Carina, I told you to leave me alone this evening", he muttered under his breath, as he walked to answer the door. He had talked enough for today with his therapist, he told to himself.
– "Carina, for God sake...". He stopped dead in his tracks when he discovered who was standing outside his door.
It was her. The only woman who could make his stomach do that weird thing when he saw her. Yet he had to find the strength to leave her because he loved her.
To be continued…
Notes: Thank you all for reading. There will be one more chapter. I would very much appreciate your comments.
No one knows yet what happened to Alex and I've read so many theories that I couldn't pick one. So, I decided to wait until the episode airs tomorrow. Don't forget your tissues!