PRESENT

For a moment, Emilio managed to forget about everything that had happened yesterday. He had never been at a petting farm before but seeing how his son chased goats or held a lengthy conversation with a chicken made his lips curl up.

From the outdoor cafe, he watched Glenn walk across a suspension bridge at the playground. Fortunately, he hadn't inherited his fear of heights.

Taking a sip from his coffee, he leaned back in his chair. Soon, his thoughts wandered off to the situation at home. How would the talk between Juan and Rafi go? Had there been a giant fight; had one of them stormed off? Could June handle it? Or had they been able to talk things out?

He dreaded going home. The prospect to face Juan again made his stomach cramp up. What was he supposed to say after their kiss? Should he say anything about it all or was it better to act as if nothing happened? There was an aching in his chest and he craved for a joint. It was unbelievable how easily an old habit like that crawled back into his life. Or was it because of Juan?

He however fought off the urge.

Yesterday, smoking pot only caused shit. It neither was an example he wanted to set for Rafi and his son and he knew June wouldn't be happy about it either. She had always hated them being high.

Even though Emilio tried to postpone the moment he had to return home as much as possible, he had no other choice when Glenn climbed on his lap and leaned against his shoulder, his eyes shut. The kid was exhausted. He might have felt some of the tension, so taking him home might be wise—at least when everybody had calmed down.

And stays calm, the moment I cross the threshold.

He wasn't fifteen anymore. He had to go through this.

He paid for the coffee and soda and headed to the car.

After saying Jordy goodbye, Emilio carried his son inside, who was sleeping. The fact that he had to put Glenn to bed first was a good excuse to avoid a confrontation. To his relief, the three were sitting at the kitchen table. June smiled at him, which made his heart a little lighter. Juan turned his face away, his shoulders tense.

Emilio swallowed a lump in his throat.

He had been in love with his best friend for years. A part of him still wanted to deny it. It was too bizarre to believe. Just like that idiot story of Jordy, when she told me Mateo and I kissed.

Imagining a scene like that only caused a mush of confused feelings, so he quickly stopped these thoughts. Nodding at June, he went upstairs where he put Glenn in bed. With a crooked smile, he watched his sleeping son.

I just hope you won't fuck things up as badly as your old man did, kid. He left the room and closed the door behind him.

Before going downstairs he took a long shower so he no longer smelled like beasts. Thereafter, he descended the stairs with leaden steps. Hesitating, he stood still in the doorway to the living room.

This house no longer felt like home.

It felt like Juan had taken his place in only two days.

Juan, who's wanted by a motor gang ánd the cops.

There was a protectiveness flaring up that was quite similar to how he felt towards his five-year-old kid.

Juan had gone through enough. As a kid, as a teen—and apparently, also in the years that followed. It had to be fucking enough now. He wouldn't allow some bunch of biker dicks—or anyone else—to lay their hands on him. They needed to find a solution and create a new identity.

He had a right to the life he'd missed out on.

Emilio turned away from the three around the table. He caught June's curious glance, but he shook his head slowly. Some things were better to happen without Juan knowing about it. He would talk to Riley to see what she could do. They were friends for over twenty years. She would be there for them. He refused to believe that she would see a reason to report him to the Sons—her family's rivals. He wouldn't mention the Sons at all.

Although that tattoo needs to go first.

Sighing, he rubbed his face. Maybe it was better to discuss things. He couldn't do anything right in Juan's eyes anyway, no matter how good his intentions were. Doing things behind his back would only backfire.

He went back to the living room. "We're gotta discuss what to do next."

Rafi looked up from his phone. How much had they told him? He wasn't a kid anymore.

"Maybe you two have to talk first," June suggested, cautiously nodding to Juan.

"We don't," Emilio grunted. What was there to say? He knew damn well Juan wasn't into guys, and by now he must have concluded that Emilio apparently was. There was no need to talk about it. They'd better pretend last night had never happened.

"But I think it might do you well, Emilio."

June's voice sounded soft but compelling.

"We'll do that later." Or never. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he sauntered towards the dinner table. "You gotta get rid of that ink first."

Juan seemed to protest—he was probably inclined to doubt any word Emilio said—but in the end, he heaved a deep sigh. "Fine."

His glance wandered to June as if he wanted to ask her to come with him. June however still believed Emilio and he needed to talk.

She wasn't completely wrong.

They had to talk. Maybe not about last night—but they still needed to find a way to interact in a casual way.

"Come on dude. I'll keep my hands to myself."

Maybe a little bit of humor would help them.

Juan rolled his eyes but got up. The corner of Emilio's lips curled up.

He turned his attention to Rafi. He found it hard to read the boy. Maybe it was wise to give him the opportunity to talk to his ma. Or maybe he wanted to sneak out to go to Mitchell. When Emilio was his age, he would have discussed news like this with his best friend too, instead of his mom.

Juan didn't say a single word during their ride to the tattoo shop. He sat on the passenger seat and had turned his face away from him.

Emilio wanted to start a conversation but it felt like every word got stuck in his throat. Uninvited memories about yesterday forced themselves upon him. He could feel the caress of Juan's tongue and his hand filling erection. The harder he fought the images, the more persistent they became. By the time he parked the car, his shirt stuck to his back and there had to be red splotches on his neck.

He didn't dare to look at Juan, terrified that he would get a glimpse of his thoughts.

In silence, they entered the tattoo shop. He easily picked up on his friend's nervousness; his eyes shot from left to right. Was he afraid to run into a Son? Or that the tattoo artist would recognize the club tattoo and warn the closest chapter?

Emilio wanted to reassure him and remind him that 99% of the world didn't give a shit about motor clubs and fleeing members but he was afraid he would only make things worse.

"How can I help?" a young woman—approximately five years younger than them—asked.

Juan gave him a skittish look before rolling up his sleeve. "I want this gone," he muttered.

The tattoo artist glanced at the ink. "You're looking for a new design? With a black surface as a basis?"

Emilio came to stand next to his friend and leaned his arms on the counter. "Why not turning it into a cassette tape?" They'd listened to hundreds of them when they were kids; Mateo used to make mixtapes for them because of which they felt like they were the coolest boys on school. "One of your brother's mixtapes, y'know?"

Juan's eyes met his own. He looked insecure, but also... grateful?

"Yeah," he muttered. "I like that." He turned away his gaze; as if he hated the fact that he liked something Emilio suggested.

"I'm goin' for a smoke."

The reason he left wasn't that he wanted to give Juan some space, but because he thought it would make the man more relaxed when someone kept an eye on the streets so he could warn him when the police or bikers showed up.

Leaning against the wall, Emilio lit a cigarette. With a little bit of luck, there was no other tattoo session planned for this afternoon so Juan could get his new tattoo right away. The sooner that Reaper was gone, the better.

Juan was lucky—the woman could help him immediately. The new tattoo was covered when Juan left the shop. He still refused to look Emilio in the eye.

Emilio suppressed a sigh. This is just the way things are now.

When they were back in the car, Juan however cleared his throat. "Thanks," he said softly. "You were keepin' watch, huh?"

Emilio lifted the corner of his mouth as their eyes met. He couldn't help it; his heart did things it had never done before.

"Thought it'd make you feel more comfortable."

"Yeah." Juan stared at his knees. His thumb rolled up the edge of the tape on his arm. "It was a good idea. The mixtape." He bit his lip. "A reminder of my real brother, instead of the brothers who... well, you know." Sighing, Juan rubbed his eyes.

More than anything, Emilio wanted to wrap an arm around him but he didn't dare to touch him.

"Was it a good talk with Rafi?" he asked.

"Better than I dared to hope for," Juan muttered. "After all the shit I said to him last night..." Muttering inaudible things, he shook his head. "He needs time... we both do... but I no longer have the feeling that it's hopeless."

"Of course it's not hopeless. He's a good kid, Juan."

"Yeah."

An awkward silence fell. Emilio didn't know if he had to start the car or not.

In the end, he decided that he had to say something about yesterday. "I'm sorry about last night."

Juan still stared at his knees. Emilio could almost hear the seconds tick away.

"I never knew," Juan muttered. "That you like guys."

"Neither did I. That kiss just... happened. And I hate it, Juan. You have enough on your mind."

Juan ran a hand across his face. "I don't get it. Do you have feelings for me?"

Emilio bit his cheek. He no longer dared to look at his friend. "I think I have—for a long time. I just never realized it—not until I kissed you and talked about it with June and Jordy." He pursed his lips. "I just hope it won't make things even more complicated between us. I know you never felt about me like that. And that's okay, you know. I don't want... that."

Not with Juan. It simply wouldn't happen—there never had been a moment to expect anything else.

But maybe it did explain why his former flings always ended in a disaster and why June was the only woman he'd been faithful to—because she had been all that was left of Juan.

Maybe he'd never found what Juan and June had because he'd been looking for the wrong gender. This however wasn't something he wanted to think about right now. All of this was shocking—and he was not open to the idea of dating a guy anytime soon.

"You never suspected anything?" Juan gave him a skeptic look. "I mean... You must have known you find male bodies attractive, right?"

"Not really," Emilio muttered. "But apparently there were people who knew." He thought about Mateo and felt a stab in his chest. "Jordy told me I kissed your brother one time; that night Jordy and I broke up for good. Thereafter I got so drunk I couldn't remember."

Juan turned his head to the side, his eyes widening. "What?"

Shrugging, Emilio stared forward. "I can't imagine it either." With his head, he rested against the headrest while closing his eyes. Tears were burning. "But I think I loved him, Juan. In a different way than I always thought."

"You mean in the way that I love June?"

"I don't know." His throat felt sore. "I really don't know. It's so long ago, I was so different back then... But I've never been the same since I lost you two."

He gnawed at his cheek, trying to bite back the tears.

If he could turn back time... he would do everything differently.