Fandom: Inuyasha
Title: Tsukikage.
Pairing: Bankotsu + Jakotsu, Inuyasha + Kikyou, Sesshomaru + Inuyasha, Naraku + Kohaku, Sesshomaru + Rin
Rating: PG
Description: The theme of "moonlight" is described through the relationships of my favorite couples in this series. ^_^
Disclaimer: Inuyasha isn't mine.
Tsukikage. (Moonlight.)
By miyamoto yui
Chapter 1 / Bankotsu and Jakotsu - afureru. (overflowing.)
He stared at the ocean before him. It was as if he had reached the end of the world even though he knew that he was just on a little island in some part of the world, and who knew what else was he apart of.
All in all, he knew that he was something small under all the stars in the sky.
He wanted to reach out to the stars to take them into his arms and burn himself with their beauty and the strength of their mythical power.
He sighed as everyone slept somewhere far away from him, for he had wandered a bit outside of their vicinity. He needed time to think and as he stood there, the wind blew around the contours of his body.
Despite all the clothing, he felt like he was naked. He was the most vulnerable when he was left alone. Even though he didn't like to think anything past what he had been given or had been doing, there were times when the itching deep within would not stop.
Did he want someone's body? Did he want to talk to someone? He didn't know. All that he knew was that there was something very empty from where he was standing and it was flowing away from him in volumes.
He knew it was there before, but now it was floating away invisibly.
The wind blew even more and swept up the bottom of his kimono that he had to pat it down. And yet, through the coldness of the wind caressing him, he knew there was something that couldn't be forgiven.
He knew exactly what he was looking for.
But would that be the deciding point of his soul?
He had already condemned it with all the blood that washed between his hands so prettily. It flowed just as earnestly as the rivers they crossed together and the crispness of the air around him. So, why was this extra fact a burden to him?
It was a sin that couldn't be forgiven from any context…
"Even when you're next to me, I feel the darkness," he whispered to himself, hoping that the wind would make the words fly towards the ears of the one he wanted most to touch. To touch so far that his heart could feel it boiling through the coolness around them.
The guilt of killing other people became less and less, until it became a way of life. After all, it
was a challenge, it was fun, it was for Him.
A braided man came into view behind him. It was like a scene from a movie in which there was a close up, the "main character" going through a soliloquy without knowing someone was watching them with such emotion, indistinguishable hate or love. He watched the androgynous man in front of him and closed his eyes a moment.
Opening them, he sighed silently to himself while taking in the view as if the moon had come in human form. The moon was standing before with such light that it was always blinding him, sleeping or awake.
"What are you doing so far, Jakotsu?" he asked while not taking a step closer. Shaded by the trees, he kept one hand on the trunk of a tree for support. Confusion flowed throughout his body and watching his own brother was overbearing. It was torturous.
Caught off-guard, Jakotsu's heart jumped outside of him. He always wondered if he made it so obvious that everything he did was influenced by the leader of the group. And yet, he couldn't ever put it into words because it was embedded within him. How could you describe something that was a part of you like breathing the air?
His brother's innocent words disturbed him. They connected and extended from his train of thought. It made his heart twist more and more. He made him so happy with his concern; it killed him that he couldn't do more.
Funny how two people could feel the same exact thing while denying each other at the same time…
"I needed a walk," Jakotsu answered as he turned around to watch the face of his brother with a
smiling, painted face. After all, hadn't Bakotsu said he looked best while smiling?
Then, he turned around to watch the ocean before him.
He couldn't hold that face for long and he was worried about how long he could keep this up. He could only do this in doses and left the group in short intervals, disguised by the pretense of "training on the side".
Knowing that Jakotsu wouldn't move from his place, Bakotsu forced himself to push his body off the tree and walk over to Jakotsu. However, he didn't stand beside him. Quietly and slowly, he was taking in the sight before him.
He found himself standing a few feet behind while feeling that his face was not his own any longer. The strong countenance could hold back the honest concern and affection his eyes always avoided when he was immediately before Jakotsu. What was wrong with him today?
The moon was too close.
It was pulling him. Raping him of free will.
"Did something happen on that last job? You've been acting strange," Bankotsu said with a firm, assertive tone almost betraying the things he couldn't say about himself and how he was feeling at the very instant.
"I've seen a lot of things in my lifetime, but…" Jakotsu's eyes became concentrated and serious all of a sudden.
"But?" Bankotsu chose this time to step forward. He reached out his hand towards Jakotsu's left shoulder.
He didn't know if this was opening his own Pandora's box.
And it made him hot.
Jakotsu's eyes opened a bit in surprise for he was not used to his brother touching him that sweetly, in such a comforting way. Usually, he hit him upside the head for doing such foolish stuff.
Then, his eyes softened and he held his hands together with his left hand over his right wrist, restraining himself from touching his brother's hand.
"There were two boys. One was trying to protect the other." Then, he smiled to himself, showing his satisfaction at killing them.
He envied them. They could be together until the end.
He couldn't protect his brother, and nor could he truly be with him the way he loved him so much. It was suffocating him.
"Usually, you aren't so sentimental." Bankotsu took his hand away, burned by the touch.
The man who looked like a woman did not answer. He could never answer why he was born this way. He could never answer why he felt this way. Both responses could be justified, and both could be defamed.
Yet, he strived to live the way he did, despite all the things that people said and believed in their own sense of "justice" and mentalities of "gender" and the definition of "love" or "family".
Seeing Jakotsu so unsure of himself, Bankotsu did the only thing he thought he could. It was the same as when they were children.
He embraced him from behind and closed his eyes, as if making a clear wish without words. He slightly smiled and hugged his brother tightly. He whispered in comfort, "I'll be with you. I'll always be with you. Isn't that what you're worried about?"
Jakotsu leaned his body back a bit on his brother's, enjoying the support. This was the only time he knew his brother's affections towards him. This was the only time he understood him, but he was engulfed with the sorrow that this wasn't the kind of love he wanted from him.
He wanted more. Much, much more…
That's why he kept on looking for men that were strong and handsome, since he couldn't have what was in front of him. That's why he continued to kill people with a smile, a tangible form of passion even though it was a delusion he made for himself.
He nodded his head.
Yes, but that was only part of the problem. It wasn't that he couldn't be with him and watch him like he always had. It was that he had to live with this single fact: His brother would always be with him.
He couldn't ever get away from him.
And he would love the person in front of him, unable to get through to him.
Unable to make love to him the way he wanted.
And Bankotsu sighed while closing his lips, unable to say more.
He knew this was not the problem at all. "Being there" wasn't enough. After a short while, the walls of self-constraint would break down. Soon, it wouldn't be enough for him.
Like his obsessive nature, he had to have everything.
He wanted everything even though it was destructive and cancerous to the soul.
He was Bankotsu, after all. He could do anything.
He shouldn't have to be held by the laws of nature or humans.
Somehow, he was going to find a way to erase the word of "brother" from both of their minds.
It was then that Jakotsu recited a poem written by his first victim,
"Wasn't it ironic
that their happiness
was the cause
of their worst pain?
Isn't it wonderful
that your greatest infliction
is the reason
for your overflowing, passionate nature?"
Bankotsu responded inside of his mind, "If this was what it meant to live under the moonlight,
I want to live under your darkness forever…"
He held him tighter.
Being next to you all the time,
Being away from you when you're so close
is driving me insane.
Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
April 28th, 2004