Alive. I'm alive. No, I reminded myself, not yet. But the idea of it, the idea burned bright in me.
Alive. Soon I will be alive.
The thought is utterly thrilling. What will it be like? I'll have a mind, and a body, and a consciousness all my own. If I had a mouth or a throat or lungs I would laugh out loud. Instead, I just let the glow of the idea fill me.
I felt The Moment growing closer, I'm becoming…. more. I drifted through the fields and libraries and corridors of the Cognizance, simply playing with the thought of it.
Drifting. That is all the Could-Bes ever do. Drift. We never land, never see, never experience. But sometimes, sometimes one of us gets the chance. Once in an eternity, one of us gets the invitation.
The calling to life.
What will it feel like to finally land? To finally exist in the world not as a half-baked concept, but a real, solid being?
I had heard the Had-Beens muttering worriedly around the Cognizance lately. "He's not going to do it this time," The Clown had said, his usual mirage of colours swirling around him.
"A foolish one, this one", The Librarian murmured back, "I've always said that dear boy was too stubborn for his own good."
"Perhaps, he is right", suggested The Gardener mildly as he sprinkled water on his row of little flowers. "Perhaps it is our time." That had earned him a few glares and scoffs from the others, but he had simply smiled and continued with his work.
"We still have things to do," The Professor had argued, turning his dark, glittering eyes to The Gardener, full of unknown meaning.
"My shelves aren't even half full!", The Librarian had spluttered.
I hadn't really cared that much back then. Back before I had felt the first glimmers of life. I had simply drifted away, not bothering to listen to the rest of the Had-Been's bickering. All of us in the Cognizance have long since grown tired of it.
But today I would go out to seek them. They were not always in the same place. Each of the Had-Been's own little worlds were, of course technically infinite, but their warm golden glow could be seen from almost anywhere. I wonder if I will glow when I am alive? Already I could feel a change. I was somehow more solid, more present. But The Moment was not upon me yet. I contented myself instead by drifting through the Cognizance, letting it flow through me.
The Could-Bes almost never interacted with the other entities. We were usually content to watch from afar. After all, we have no place in this realm or any other. But today was different. I could feel something… A pull, a need to seek out any trace of life. And in this place, of course, the only glow of life to be found, was the afterglow of the Had-Beens.
I found myself in the Library. Tall, winding bookshelves pressed together into a labyrinth of histories, and hymns, and poems, and novels. The shelves climbed forever into the sky, each volume placed meticulously on it's shelf.
And of course there was The Librarian. The sharp old man who wore his golden glow like a cape around his shoulders. His silver hair neatly tucked in place. I watched him. I would say I watched him with a smile if I had lips to make such and expression, or a face on which to display it.
He wandered down the thin little rows of the Library with a handful of books to contend with. There were no labels on the shelves to guide his sorting, and yet it was clear that he knew exactly where each new book belonged.
"Hello, my dear", he greeted casually as I drifted near him, giving a quick, small smile.
That was new. He could see me. I wanted to laugh, even I couldn't see me. What a strange creature these Had-Beens were!
Hello, I wanted to say, Hello, Librarian. I have followed you many times through these halls. It is an honour to speak with you. But of course I can't.
He smiled again, almost as if he knew what I want to say. "You're almost there", he encouraged, "Just a little while longer and you will be like us! Well-", he stopped himself, "You'll be more than us. Much more".
I hovered in place, considering and not really understand what he said. How is it possible to be more? More than a creature who has been touched by the blessing of life?
"Oh Grandfather!" I looked over to see one of the Memories bounce over to The Librarian. I have seen this one occupy the Library on many occasions. In fact, it was rare to see the man wandering the halls without her. Sometimes other Memories would spring up to keep him company as well. "Is it happening again, Grandfather?"
"Yes , my dear child, but we mustn't frighten them". He placed his hand warmly on the Memory's shoulder. "They've never done it before. I dare say it will happen quite soon".
The Memory laughed a delighted little laugh. "Good luck!" she cheered. "You'll love it out there". I felt another little flash of excitement. The Memories had never been touched by life, but they knew of it. They were modeled off it. They were perhaps the closest besides the Had-Beens.
The Librarian looked at me strangely. "Life is a funny thing," he said, "A very funny thing. But remember this…" He leaned in close to me. "Our experiences make us as we are. We are lost without them, we are nothing without them." A sparkle lit up his eyes, "But with them, we can be anything."