I woke up from a nightmare, panting and wet. It had been a few weeks since the attack at the station. After my release, I had moved in with Athena and Bobby, had taken a refresher course and done very well, and I had somehow tried to get a piece of my life back. All of this had not come easily to me. Bobby and his family had given me the drive I needed to get up and fight, for a life I could enjoy.
I took a few deep breaths in and out. My hands were protectively in front of my face. Again, and again, I had to remind myself that I was no longer asleep, but awake. Sometimes it was hard for me to distinguish after getting up whether I was awake or not and what was a dream and what had really happened could mix on a bad day. Reality and dreams both liked to be brutal at times. I tossed the covers aside and stood up. Athena and Bobby had put me in May's room, who was now sharing the room with her brother. Half staggering, I entered the bathroom. Today was to be my first day on the fire station. I had gotten everything ready so all I had to do was get dressed. So, I turned on the shower, locked the bathroom, undressed, and jumped in the relaxing shower.
Once I was done, I dried off, put on a pair of comfortable jeans and my favorite Superman top. I dried my hair, put it up, and walked to the kitchen fueled with new energy. May and Harry were sitting at the dining room table deviously ate good-looking pancakes. Bobby stood in the kitchen making them. Athena poured herself a cup of coffee.
"Good morning," I greeted the family with a big smile on my lips. Bobby looked up from the pan and smiled at me, Athena handed me a cup of coffee and May and Harry gave me a good morning back. It was all so harmonious with them.
"I thought we were the heroes," Bobby joked, pointing to my top. He handed me a plate of pancakes. They smelled so temptingly good. My mouth was watering.
"Well, we are the heroes in everyday life and the real world, but sometimes you need fictional heroes in your dreams. We don't have superpowers, unfortunately, and in dreams, as we all know, anything is possible," I countered, unable to stifle a laugh. Could these heroes save my soul? I hid my somewhat serious face towards the ground. None of them should witness my inner struggle. I knew they would and desperately wanted to help me, but many an abyss was so great that outsiders would only be swept away, and I did not want to do that to this family. They did not deserve my constant chaos. I had to go through this alone, even though it might not have been wise.
Suddenly the doorbell rang, and Athena went to the door. For a moment, the situation relaxed.
"Come on kids, your father is here. He will take you to school. Hurry up!" she called to May and Harry.
"Have a nice day," I said goodbye to them. They waved goodbye to us and ran up to Athena. I could hear how lovingly she said goodbye to her children.
"As soon as you eat, we'll be on our way, too," Bobby informed me. He put the pan in the sink and ate the last of the pancakes himself. Athena came back and put her cup down.
"I'll be driving, I'll see you later, darlings," she pressed a kiss to Bobby's mouth and took me in her arms for a moment. Her polite manner was still quite foreign to me.
"Have a nice start, my dear," she murmured to me, then she let go of me and took her things. I admired Athena every day anew. Her strength and courage to fight were tremendous. She was a power woman who needed the world out there and who showed me that fighting in this crazy world was always worth it to see the positive.
Athena had left the house with her bag and car keys in hand. Now it was just Bobby and me. Somehow, I did not quite know how to contribute. What was I supposed to say? There was so much time between us where we had not seen each other and neither of us had caught on to the phases of the other. As close as we used to be, as strange I felt today, although I was incredibly fond of him and grateful.
"Are you ready for your first day?" inquired Bobby with a scrutinizing look. Who was ever ready on the first day? Didn't everyone have some expectation or anticipation?
"Ready as anyone can be," I smiled tensely and grabbed my jacket from the coat rack as we walked upstairs. Bobby opened the front door and waited for me to go through. Together we left the house and sat in his car. For a more relaxed atmosphere, he turned the radio up a little louder and hummed along softly. I could not help but grin. His attempt to lighten everything up was working. Music made me incredibly happy.
"Come on, sing along. I know you can. When you think no one's home, you will blast the whole house with your singing and it's really not bad," Bobby urged me as he noticed my grin and the joy in his humming. My grin faded. After all, I had always paid attention to when someone came home and stopped singing right away.
"I'd rather not. When someone consciously listens to me, I always sing off-key," a feeble attempt to talk my way out of it, but I hoped it worked. I was extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing.
"Do you really think I'm going to kick you out of the car if you miss a note? You always seem so relaxed and free of worry when you are singing. It makes you happy, doesn't it?" he recalled to me the soothing and free feeling. A rush of happiness gripped me and the urge to comply with his request tore me up inside.
"Yes, I did. But I have only ever sung to myself," I fought back, but that was no reason for Bobby to give up. He turned the radio up louder and sang along to the song The Sound of Silence by the band Disturbed. Nothing stopped me from laughing heartily. Again, and again, he looked at me promptly. For a long time, I could resist the temptation, but when it became more emotional, the song grabbed me, and I sang along. It felt like it was as easy as breathing, even if I did not hit every note cleanly. Every time I sang, I felt like I could shout out all my emotions in a beautiful way and completely relax. I did not have to talk about my feelings then, all my feelings were in the singing. Thus, we sang with full passion and a few off-key notes until the watch, while people on the outside looked at us as if we had lost our minds. I did not care for the moment.
In good spirits, we got out of the parked car. We both could not stop laughing and being amused by our singing. My day had started off well thanks to Bobby and no matter what was to come, it would no longer be the worst day from a feeling standpoint. Even my anxiety was only a small and quiet part now, way in the back of my mind.
"Welcome!", everyone yelled towards us when we arrived at the fire station, and I was terribly frightened. A banner with a: Welcome to the Guard, Keena! was hanging on the railing of the upper floor. I could not help grinning with joy, even though my head struggled between fleeing from all the attention and being grateful to the people who considered me a part of them. In the crowd of colleagues, I even spotted Maddie! She and I had been meeting regularly over the past few weeks and I could almost say there was a chance of a good friendship. Maddie was incredibly patient with my chaotic world. She did not care that our friendship would build rather slowly. She made me feel like it was important to her to become a good friend to me. And I was incredibly grateful to her for that. No one else had ever understood me the way she did.
"Thank you, guys. That is incredibly nice," I thanked my colleagues and blushed a little. Being the center of attention like this was stressful and quite uncomfortable for me, but I tried not to show it to them because I did not want to offend anyone.
"I wish you a very great day, unfortunately I have to say goodbye and go to work myself," Maddie hugged me to leave afterwards. After her goodbye, the others greeted me with a hug. This warm nature was foreign to me and yet I was grateful to have these experiences.
After a small welcome, I disappeared into the locker room and changed. I sat down briefly on the benches in the locker room and took a few deep breaths in and out. My fear and self-doubt had returned and were fighting a loud duel inside me. My whole body began to shake. I was awfully close to tears. Never had people treated me so lovingly as they did. Either I had met people like David who destroyed me and drove the self-hatred in me, or I found people who cared about their own fate by far more and had to be the center of attention. And now my mind was struggling with whether there was evil intent somewhere in them or if they were really these great people. Somewhat roughly, I wiped away my tears, stared angrily straight ahead, and stood up with all my might. Now was no time for doubts! I opened my assigned locker and changed. When I was done, I ran over to Hen and Chimney who were standing by the ambulance looking up the fans. Hopefully, my eyes did not give away my little breakdown. On the first day, I did not want to be a drag, but support as best I could.
"Can I help you?", I offered my assistance and smiled at the two. A little uncertainly, I put my hands in my pants pockets. Maybe then they would not see my trembling.
"We're already done, but we can get a coffee," Hen smiled and put the rest back. Chimney, who also smiled briefly at me, went ahead and Hen and I followed behind. Just as we were about to climb the stairs the beep followed. My heart began to race, and my ears listened intently. A voice announced a person on a bridge who, according to eyewitnesses, was about to commit suicide. Hen, Chimney and I immediately turned around and ran to the ambulance. Chimney got in with the guys in the fire truck, Hen and I manned the ambulance. The whole squad moved out and as soon as the front tires of the ambulance touched the road, my mind was elsewhere. Hopefully, we would arrive at the scene on time. Someone threatening to jump made my adrenaline flow increased through my veins. People who were trapped in their own doubt touched me the most. They desperately needed a hero who could show them another way. This eternal cycle of negativity had to be broken from the outside. They could not find a way out otherwise, or only the worst. I prayed that we arrived on time.
The few minutes passed, but it felt like half an eternity. I felt like I had lost valuable time for this person who desperately needed help. And then we arrived at the scene and got out. Bobby checked out the situation. Even Athena was on the scene, keeping the onlookers away as best she could. Why did people want to see something so horrible? My eyes wandered around. A young girl was standing on the bridge down to the highway that had been closed by Athena. Athena had tried to get people out of the cars and a little further away so we could work, and no gawkers were in the way. We could look up at her, but whether she was aware of everything we could not tell.
"It looks like we have a minor up there. I will go up slowly and try to calm her down. The rest of you, please prepare everything as best you can for a jump attempt. Let us try to save her life," Bobby informed us and everyone was plunged into their work. Except Hen and me. As Bobby was about to go up to the bridge, I held him by the arm. Astonished, he looked at me. I gathered up my courage.
"Let me go up to her. She is young and I imagine she will not necessarily go for you. She will think you are lying to her. Believe me, I can do this," I pleaded with him. I was aware that I had just called him old and incompetent, but I knew all too well what was going on inside this girl. Seriously, Bobby looked at me, then nodded and stepped aside.
"All right. I'll help the others down here," he affirmed my request. Nodding my thanks to him, I made a half sprint up to the bridge. It was a bridge with a huge billboard. I walked along the small railing that led to the billboard. She was standing on a platform, awfully close to the edge, behind the railing, looking down. Very slowly I approached me to the girl. She was a young woman. Her brown hair lay smoothly over her shoulders. She seemed quite absent to me. Only her arms on the railing still held her on the platform and so it should remain. I wanted to keep her from jumping.
"Please don't jump," I made my presence known to her. Her head snapped around and her blue eyes looked at me, startled. She almost lost her grip, but just barely held on. The panic in her eyes told me that I was only pushing her harder to do it right away.
"My name is Keena. What is yours?", I gave her a smile, hoping it would put her at ease. And something seemed to change in her, too. A little bond was building.
"Thea, my name is Thea," her voice trembled and only then did I notice her tears. What had made her cry so much? Who had driven her so far? She was so incredibly young and so desperate that this seemed to be her only way out. Could I still convince her?
"An unbelievably beautiful name, Thea. How about you come over to my safe side and we will talk a little. Something is bothering you after all. I can listen very well if you want, and sometimes it's easier to tell a stranger something than your own family," carefully I took another step towards her. Thea noticed this and looked at me angrily.
"Stay there! Otherwise, I'll jump right there!" she nagged at me. Apologetically, I raised my hands.
"Do you want to tell me what makes you so sad?", my brain was working at full speed. Somehow, I had to grab her before she could jump. Only how? And when?
"I'll never be able to go back to school. My life is over. I'm a disgrace," Thea sobbed heavily again. What could have happened to her? Thea's gaze went back down to the others who were setting up a jumping cushion. I took this chance and stepped closer to her.
"They're building something. If I want to be free, I must do it now," suddenly she let go. I sprinted the small steps to her, reached over the railing and grabbed her by the wrist. Unfortunately, I lost my own grip and had leaned over too far to be able to grab Thea. I had slipped over the railing myself and was just able to grab this. Together we hung on the railing, held by me. With the railing in one hand and Thea in the other, I tried to find a way out so that we would not both dies. Somehow, I had to play for time so that the others could miss us. And then I noticed something. Her pulse in that wrist was tremendously steady. While mine seemed to be racing, she was calm herself. I looked down at her, into those blue, tired, half-dead eyes. Tears ran continuously down her cheeks. I realized with one blow that there was no fighting spirit left in her. She had finished and was more than ready for her way. She took advantage of my little lapse and painfully loosened my fingers around her wrist with her other hand. I had to stop her! I had to help her!
"Thea, my colleagues can help us. You do not have to kill yourself! We can go through it together!", I shouted to her, but she didn't stop. Her will grew stronger.
"I don't want to kill another person. Without me, you have a chance to live," and then she had broken free from my grip with momentum to the other side. I saw her fall, and that fall seemed to last an eternity, during which she looked at me so intensely peaceful, and then came up at the bottom. She slammed into one of the cars and was presumed dead. Terribly, I began to sob. The hand she had been holding before reached for the railing. I could not pull myself up, I did not have the strength to do that while crying, so I let myself hang and waited for the initial shock to pass. It must have taken longer than expected because Eddie and Buck pulled me up to them. Wiping away my tears with the back of my hand, I walked past them.
"Hey, Keena! Wait! Are you okay?", Eddie called after me, but I ignored him. My attention was on Thea and less on me and my feelings. I was desperate to find out why a young girl like her was capable of this. Mechanically, I ran down to the girl. Bobby came towards me, but I passed him as well until I reached the dead Thea and Athena.
"Did she have a cell phone with her?" my voice sounded more composed again as I asked Athena. Athena looked at me, not really knowing what to say. She wanted to come closer to me, probably take me in her arms and calm me down, but I dismissed it. Sadly, she looked over at Thea.
"Yeah, we even notified her parents already. She didn't have a lock in," Athena answered my question in the affirmative. Then she looked at me again and surveyed me.
"Can I look? I have a suspicion that I want to check to give the parents a reason," I asked her, and she handed me the phone. Immediately I opened WhatsApp and without much searching I found the messages. I scrolled through all her chats, only to do the same thing again on Facebook. Then I handed the phone back to Athena. Anger came over me and the feeling of not being able to control it for much longer.
"Keena, please talk to me. This enormous silence and your serious expression really scare me. I don't know you like this," Bobby cautiously approached me, but I looked at him very darkly. He could not help the chaos inside me right now. It reminded me of that time. Her dead and empty eyes had once been mine. We had had so much similarity, only that I was still alive in a way. I took a deep breath in and out so I would not start screaming.
"It was people her own age who made her feel like she wasn't worth anything. People who see her every day and were supposed to be helping her find herself, to define what she wants to be like as an adult, and what did those teenagers do? Insulted her, made her feel like her life was worth absolutely nothing and that she was abnormal. In their eyes, she did not fit into any norm and was thus systematically erased. She was made a shadow of herself. She was no longer able to fight and survive, let alone build trust in people. She was made afraid that she would never get out of the hellish circle of bullying and loneliness. I wonder how many were watching. Bobby, that was a cry for help that was never answered. She found it easier to die than to fight", I was made incredibly angry by this powerlessness. This girl could have been saved before, but many had failed. It reminded me of my circle of hell and the thought of never being enough. This loneliness had eaten away at me for years. All that had helped me was the thought of wanting to do something good for people. Had I just been too naive? Was I not good enough at my job? Would this become everyday life?
"Athena will talk to the parents and they will decide what should be done. Our work here is over. We're moving out," Bobby ordered everyone. Briefly he eyed me, but when he realized that my anger had dissipated a bit, he left me alone. Guilty because of my behavior, I walked over to Buck and Eddie. They were trying to help me, and I had pushed them away. They would probably reject me, as many had done before them, if I did not explain and apologize. Or was it my fear that drove them to do so?
"I wanted to thank you guys for helping me up. I am sorry for the knee-jerk reaction. Your great colleagues to rely on," my eyes were fixed on the floor, and I chewed on my lower lip a little nervously. My apology was from the heart, but the charm over my own behavior was far too great to look them honestly and sincerely in the eye.
"No problem. Anytime," Eddie smiled at me and Buck nodded in agreement, as I could somewhat perceive from the corner of my eye. I smiled briefly at them both, then walked over to Hen. My own circle of hell had begun to spin again.
"Is everything actually, okay? Does anything hurt you?", Hen inquired of me first.
"I'm fine. There will be a few bruises, but other than that, I'm fine," my voice sounded tired and dull. Together we got into the ambulance and drove back with the others as they packed everything up. The streets rushed past the window. Why had she been so obsessed with jumping? That it was not easy in her life, I could absolutely understand. It was hard to fight for a life when others had tried to make it destroy. But why had no one helped her? Had no one noticed how she was introverted? How she became aggressive for no reason and was overwhelmed by everyday situations? Had no one seen how the darkness had made her mind do such things? I remember very clearly how lonely I had felt. No one seemed to like me and no matter what I did, everything was watched and labeled abnormal. My school day was hell and for the others I was the main daily attraction. If they were feeling bad, they could take it out on me. They almost wiped out my soul and my feelings that I felt so dead inside. Some mornings I was ready to do as Thea had done. The fight had so often seemed hopeless, who could have credibly assured me that a fight could lead to a happy ending? Only the will to expect more from life had driven me. My memories on an extreme day came back. Sometime in eighth grade, for some stupid reason, I had fallen out with the only ones who had been there for me. After three weeks, I had learned that they had created an online profile, with a person they wanted me to fall in love with. Unfortunately, I had also done it, only to learn that the entire class had found out about it and had always kept up with it. Despite this humiliation, I had gone to school and stood apart. To show me how little value I was, they spat on me until the teachers came. I remembered that I would have loved to cry at that time, but by then everything had died down to such an extent that I could not shed a tear in front of them.
My hands began to tremble. My whole body felt numb and powerless. Tightness spread through my chest, and it became harder and harder to breathe. Everything in my body just seemed to be crying out. It felt like a storm was raging inside me and blowing away all harmony. I looked over at Hen in despair. I knew exactly what I was missing. Unfortunately, I could not get out of the vicious cycle on my own. This panic was only strengthened by the symptoms on my body. My heart was racing like mad. I was afraid and could not overcome it.
"Hen...help me...I'm having a panic attack and I can barely breathe," I expelled a lot of air as I spoke, which I took in just as hastily. Without thinking, Hen put on the brakes. Her right hand wrapped around my left wrist. She looked me firmly in the eyes.
"You have to follow my lead. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. But you must close your lips a little bit," Hen made the lip brake for me, so that the air came out in doses. I nodded to her and did the exercise. My whole body was already sweating with fear. How I hated this feeling of being so powerless. I never wanted to depend on people, even though I knew Hen was a very great person. My stubborn head and experiences resisted too much from wanting to accept help specifically. This feeling of weakness that came with each time caused hatred towards myself to sprout up, and the word failure and weakling circled constantly in my head. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone. And right now, I was doing it. I hated myself so much for it!
"Hen, is everything okay with you guys? Why did you stop?" asked Bobby over the radio. Hen looked to me, then to the radio, but did not stop breathing with me. I was sickened by the confined space. He still made me feel like I could not breathe and that it was only getting worse instead of better. My trembling hands reached for the door so that I could open it. But it was exceedingly difficult for me because of the strain in my body.
"What are you going to do? Stay here! Bobby, Keena's having a panic attack, but she's just getting off," Hen returned over the radio when she couldn't stop me. I ran down the side of the road to the direction we were coming from. In the past, it had often helped me to exercise and keep my body busy so I would not have to think about the things that caused such reactions. And my plan worked, too. Even before everyone else could reach me, my breathing had calmed down and the restlessness inside me had subsided.
"Keena, are you all right?", Bobby grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around to face him.
"I'll be all right. I drifted into the past. But now the panic attack is gone. We can go on," a smile settled on my lips and Bobby seemed relieved. Hen, Buck and Eddie seemed relieved as well. Together we got back into the ambulance and truck and continued the rest of the drive. Hen turned on the radio and I sank into the world of music, which gave me a world of hope and confidence. Arriving at the station, we got out. My mood had been lifted by the music, but the emergency had not been forgotten. In my head an idea slumbered, which I wanted to convert absolutely. Only I was not allowed to get lost in negative feelings. Thus, I ran lightly prancing to the stairs over, which led into the upper floor. Still with the last song ringing in my ears, I poured myself some coffee and looked in the fridge to find out what was edible.
"Want to help me cook?", Bobby had snuck up on me, half startling me.
"I'd love to," I smiled at him once I recovered from the fright. Together we got some ingredients out of the fridge and started preparing everything.
"You know you can always talk to me, right?", Bobby sounded careful and thoughtful in his words. I put the knife back down to cut and looked at him.
"I was really taken by the situation earlier, but not how it happened, but more why it all happened. I feel so powerless. Isn't there anything I can do? Is there nothing bullied people can turn to? Are we going to see teenagers dying almost every day because of this? Who is there for them?", I poured my heart out.
"There's still a solution to be found for that," replied Bobby who seemed frustrated himself.
"Help me. Help me start something where everyone who needs help can get help. I was thinking of support group that meets regularly, but for that I'm asking for support," I informed Bobby of my thoughts. Enthusiastically, he looked at me.
"I will do everything possible to help you reach your goal. Of course, I will help you and give the support," he also put the knife aside and took me in his arms.
"As soon as we get home, we'll figure something out. Athena will certainly be able to help. Especially since May tried to kill herself once because of a similar situation," Bobby let go of me again. I had not known that about May.
Suddenly the signal sounded. A traffic accident with injured people was announced. Bobby and I ran down to the others. Our food would have to wait.
We got in the cars and drove to the scene of the accident. This time the drive seemed much shorter, and my mind was no longer stuck in the past either. Someone needed my help and I had to be clear in my mind. Nothing was allowed to distract me. And then we arrived. Several cars had crashed into each other. The middle car had taken the brunt of it. Hen and I ran to it. A woman was pinned behind her wheel. She appeared to be unconscious. Hen tried to open the driver's side door but couldn't. Trying to open the passenger side succeeded for that. With the emergency bag in my hand, I got in.
"Can you hear me? Does anything hurt you?", I tried to contact the woman, but there was no response from her. My hand went to her neck to feel for her pulse. It was faint, but it was there. My gaze wandered down the woman. Carefully, I felt her legs. There was no deformity, which made me rule out the possibility that something was broken. Her legs were just pinned. Next, I palpated her abdomen, which was soft and not firm. No fluids were leaking. From the bag, I grabbed the flashlight and pushed the eyelids up slightly. The right pupil did not respond. Pressure was building in her head.
"She's bleeding in her head," I relayed to Hen. Hen nodded to me and turned to Bobby and the others. They came to get the woman out of the car. Meanwhile, I carefully put the Stifneck
on her. Once the driver's door was open, the others pulled the woman out. Hen put IVs on the woman and when I was at her side, we loaded the woman into the ambulance and drove off. With a few moves, I hooked the woman up to the monitors and gave her supplemental oxygen through her nasal cannula.
She was still able to breathe on her own, but if the pressure increased, this could change very quickly. But thanks to Hen's fast and safe drive, we reached the hospital in time. A team of doctors took the patient from us. With short words I told them what we had done, then the door closed behind them. Hen got an empty gurney and had everything we needed replaced.
"You are very calm and clear when you work. I think that's particularly good," Hen praised me. Pleased with her kind words, I smiled. We got back into the ambulance and drove back to our colleagues who were still at the accident scene. When we arrived at their scene, everything already looked different. Most of the injured had been recovered from their car. Bobby seemed to have everything under control and Athena was listening to the statements of the witnesses. Hen and I ran over to him to find out who we should treat next. My head was eerily clear, and I was ready to lend a hand.
Suddenly, a shot rang out. I turned to the sound and saw David running away grinning broadly before gunfire was opened on him by the police on the scene, then turned back to Bobby who was looking down. A hole gaped a few millimeters in size in his black service jacket. Blood was oozing out at the level of his abdomen. Automatically he reached there, took his hand away again and looked at his bloodied hand before rather slumping down. All this happened in seconds, but I had the feeling it was happening in slow motion.
"Bobby!", I screamed and threw myself on my knees right next to him. With both hands I pressed on the wound. He looked at me quite dazed.
"We'll get this fixed, I promise! Hen will take care of you and so will I, but you must hang in there, you hear me? You cannot stop fighting. Athena and the kids need you! I need you!" I said to him to keep him awake. I tried to suppress my tears. Hen started to put compresses on the wound, which I closed again, while she was unpacking a new one. Athena had rushed to us after giving the order to go after David. Everyone gathered around Bobby to see how he was doing. My tears began to roll.
"We are in desperate need of assistance. Let Hen and Keena take care of Bobby, while we help the casualties until another unit gets here," Chimney took charge and had the others step away. Athena had taken his hand and was talking at him the whole time. Bobby had become very pale, and his overall condition seemed to be getting worse.
"We need to get him out of here," Hen urged. She retrieved the stretcher and Buck and Eddie. Together they hoisted Bobby onto the gurney and Hen loaded him in. Athena climbed in while I could only stand rooted to the spot. Eddie and Buck ran back again.
"Keena, we have to drive," Hen urged again. Dazed, I nodded and demanded the keys.
"Let me drive, please. I can't help here, and I can't take care of him either. Let me drive," I begged her, but she shook her head. She waved to Chimney who came straight to us.
"Will the others be okay on their own?" she inquired of him.
"The other unit is arriving right now. So yes, they will be fine," Chimney answered her question.
"You take care of Bobby, please. I am going to the hospital. Keena, you sit in the front and Athena stay with Bobby while Chimney helps him. We need to leave right away," Hen got out and walked to the front while Chimney got in the back. I followed Hen's lead and got in the front as she was already leaving. How had David gotten so close to me? Why had he hurt Bobby? Were May and Harry in danger, too?
My head exploded with questions. I had not really noticed how we had reached the hospital. Chimney and Hen had dropped Bobby off and were getting new clothes, then they moved the ambulance. Hen and Chimney went into the hospital through the front entrance. Athena opened the door on my side.
"Come on. He needs us. I called Michael to take the kids and sent a patrol to them. David won't be able to get to them," Athena held out her hand to me. I looked down at mine, which were covered in blood.
"Come on, we'll clean them up," carefully she helped me out of the ambulance, somehow seeming more composed about the whole thing than I was. Wasn't she afraid for Bobby?
Together we walked into the hospital. Athena asked at the reception for a toilet and then dragged me into it. Under cold water, I washed my hands off. Afterwards, I took off my black jacket and let cold water splash my face once.
"Go on out to the others. I will join you in a minute. Let the others catch you a bit," I asked Athena and pressed my jacket into her hand. She stopped and looked me straight in the eye. Again, and again, she eyed me.
"Please. I need a moment. I'll be with you in a moment," I pleaded with her wanly. She nodded, squeezed my arm once, and then walked out. The emptiness inside me had taken over today. As beautiful as the day had started, it became horrible in retrospect. David started out like he used to. He could not get me down and destroy me, so now he was destroying my circle and making all the others suffer so they would have a reason to hate me. The idea of staying here had been absolute nonsense. How stupid could I be to think that everything would be better with Bobby and Athena? I had once again hidden in my little bubble and blocked out reality. And what did it cost me? I put Bobby in great danger and put a target on the back of all my colleagues. Now it was Bobby. Who followed that? Athena? Hen? May? Harry? Buck? Eddie? Chimney, or was it, Maddie?
Hateful, I looked at my mirror. There could not have been that much personal security. I was the reason that kept them all from working! It was my own fault! And only I could stop it.
My hand slipped into one of the large pockets of my pants and I dug out a pen and a piece of paper. I had a plan, but how was I going to do it? They were all here. I exhaled.
Dear Bobby, dear Athena,
I am so terribly sorry for turning your lives upside down like this. In all my bad years, I never seemed to be able to let go of my naivety. The desire to see a piece of my family again made me blind to the great dangers. I wanted to fill that void with love, and I made targets out of you. I really thought I could escape David in America, but I rather lured him to you and made you victims. However, in order to put an end to this, I will do everything I can to take you out of the line of fire. You have given me so much and I cannot be more grateful. That is why I am so terribly sorry for all of this. Everything will be better from here on out!
With love, Keena
Ps: Athena, take exceptionally good care of Bobby!
I folded up the note and put it back in my pants pocket. Then I walked out and ran over to the others. They were all sitting in the waiting area, even Maddie had come. Maddie took me in her arms, and I smiled wanly at her. Someday I will explain everything to her. I just hope she will understand and forgive me then.
"Is everything alright again?", Hen inquired of me. I nodded to her with a wan smile.
"I just need some fresh air after a day like this. I think I'll go out for a bit," I replied to her. My emotions overtook me, and I wrapped Hen in my arms.
"Thank you for being there for me earlier," I thanked her and let go of her again. Irritated, Hen looked at me, but I just smiled.
"No problem," her eyes kept scrutinizing me suspiciously.
"Do you want me to go with you?", Maddie asked me, but I shook my head.
"I'll be right back. A few minutes in the fresh air and for me to get some distance from today. I'll see you in a bit," with those words I turned and headed for the door. My hands slipped inside my pants pockets so my shoulder was stable, and they wouldn't notice me crying. I had found people who accepted me and within no time I had shown them what it meant to stay with me. But this guilt was crushing me far too much and growing. I strolled over to one of the fire trucks and took out the letter. Then I fastened it to the windshield under the wipers. Just as I was about to leave, I heard someone call my name.
"Hey, Keena! Are you all right?" shouted Buck, already coming toward me. Panicking, I ran away. I heard his heavy footsteps echoing, but my head start had been great. And then I had disappeared into the gathering darkness.