"And have you settled in yet?", Bobby was sitting on the blue sofa against the wall in his former apartment. I was standing in the kitchen making him coffee.
"I'm still missing some furniture, but I'm getting by," with the hot cups of coffee in my hands, I walked over to him and smiled. Next, I sat down in the chair across from him.
"It's small, but with a lot of love, this apartment can become cozy," he gave me as a tip.
"You're not here just for the coffee and to give me tips about the apartment, are you?", I probed, taking a sip of coffee from my own cup.
"I wanted to see how you were doing. You call regularly, but I have a feeling you are not well. We haven't seen you in a while and when you're going to come back to the station is still up in the air," he explained, looking me straight in the eye. I had been trying to avoid this confrontation for a week. David might be in prison, but I had not regained my life by a long shot. In fact, I was not feeling well. Somehow the feeling of absolute freedom crushed me far too much. My life had been years in chaos of joy, fear, and anxiety, and now that everything was in order, it all came crashing down on me. I no longer had to be strong. But now I had to learn how to live.
"Don't worry about anything. I will get everyone under control. Give me a couple of weeks. It's just messy right now," I muttered, not looking at him anymore. The worry in his eyes was unbearable for me. It made me feel like I was failing, even though I had absolutely no fault in my situation. And yet I gave it to myself when I saw Bobby's worry.
"Come on out with me. Do not hide. I have had my first day at work, and I've invited the guys over for dinner. If you would like to come, I would be delighted. They'll all be there in an hour, at my house and Athena's," Bobby invited me to dinner. I did not know what to do. Here in the apartment, I felt safe and comfortable, but I also knew exactly that it couldn't go on like this.
"Give me and the others a chance to get to know you in peace. You and I lost track of each other years ago and a lot has happened in your life. I'd love to hear what I missed," Bobby gently urged me on. I stared at the ceiling and my eyes filled slightly with tears. On certain days I would have needed friends or family by my side, but it had always been easier to withdraw than to reveal myself to anyone. Silence had become my friend and at the same time my greatest enemy. Now I often could not help it.
"Don't shut us out. We're here for you," those words from Bobby broke the camel's back. I simply could no longer hold back my tears. Shocked at my reaction, Bobby got up, let me stand and took me in his arms. His embrace had a healing effect on me. For a moment, he pushed all the splintered fragments of my soul back together and allowed me to become whole.
"Come with me and let me distract you a bit," he grabbed onto my shoulders and pushed me back a bit from him so he could look me in the eye. I nodded in response.
"I'll just change into something else and then I'll come with you," still sobbing quietly I retreated to the bathroom. There I had a dress and a pair of skin-colored silk tights lying around. Quickly I took off my sweatpants and T-shirt and slipped into the silk tights and the long-sleeved, black lace dress with circle skirt. After that, I ran cold water through my face, dried it and put discreet makeup on it. I put my brown hair up in a bun. Now I looked a lot better, almost more human. I walked back to Bobby.
"The others will be happy to see you," he smiled at me and slowly walked towards the door. I grabbed my bag and together we left the apartment, which I locked behind us. I still did not feel good about the whole thing. My mind was screaming at me to crawl back into the apartment, but I fought it. Bobby and I ran down the hall and down the stairs, out to the parking lot where his car was parked. I wondered how the others would react. They hardly knew me and so they should not really care about me. But Eddie, Buck, Maddie, Chim and Hen had been so kind to me. What would I expect at the dinner?
I got in the car and Bobby drove off. The world outside the car seemed completely foreign to me. Or was I the stranger?
"You're going to learn to deal with all of this. I am here for you and Athena will be too. No one must carry their burden alone. No one on the 118 does. None of us are alone," Bobby broke the silence. Nervously, I tugged at the thumb of my dress where a thread had come loose. I would have loved to answer Bobby. I would have liked to tell him that I was already aware of all this, but the pain that had brought the black hole inside me made me fall silent. Sometimes it was numb inside me, sometimes everything was screaming inside me, and then there was this tiredness that I was most afraid of. Because the tiredness brought the feeling of complete powerlessness and this powerlessness made everything not matter to me. And that could become dangerous.
Bobby, after a very silent drive from my side, had let the car turn into the driveway to the house. Together we got out and he opened the door.
"We're here!" he called into the house, hanging his jacket on the rake. I followed him down the stairs. From the dining room area, Athena came into the living room.
"Keena! It is nice to see you. How are you?" she greeted me with a hug. I could only manage a wan smile. I did not want to tell the truth and I could not lie to Athena. So, I preferred to say nothing.
"Do you still need help? Where are May and Harry?", Bobby inquired of Athena.
"The kids are at school already and later at Michael´s apartment and won't be home until tonight. I am done with the preparations. Now we just must wait for the guests. Eddie had texted me that he was taking Christopher to school and then coming right over. The others will be here any minute. Buck is bringing Maddie," Athena informed us. I had texted with Maddie. While Maddie was not mad at me, she had been very worried. And now we were seeing each other for the first time after a long time.
"Let's go outside for a bit and get some fresh air until the others get here," Bobby suggested, walking to the dining room and opening the sliding door to the outside. Silently, I followed him out, enjoying the fresh air from outside that cleared my head a bit.
"If you want to leave again, I can always take you back," Bobby offered.
"I don't want to hole up anymore," I replied in a slightly shaky voice.
"You know I have to send you to a psychologist so you can go back to work?" he reminded me gently. I sighed out and nodded.
"I'll do that as soon as I feel ready," I assured Bobby. He smiled back at me. Then the doorbell rang, and cheerful, loud-talking colleagues came in.
"It looks like everyone has arrived. Let us go in and have breakfast together," Bobby led the way back into the house. I followed him and locked the sliding door again.
"We have someone over," Bobby announced, stepping aside so the others could see me. Embarrassed, I waved around.
"Nice to see you," Maddie greeted me.
"Nice to see you, too," I replied to the group, where only Eddie was missing.
"Let us get started already. Eddie will be right along," Athena indicated for the others to take their seats. Everyone took a seat at the set table, then Athena poured coffee and tea.
"We're real glad you're back Cap," Buck rejoiced.
"And I'm glad to be back, too", Bobby returned. Then the doorbell rang again. Athena went to the door and opened it. Together with Eddie, she came back to the dining table.
"It looks like I'm still reasonably on time," Eddie stated as he sat down and looked around the table. He gave me a quick nod as he spotted me.
"I didn't suggest this meal just for my return. This meal is also for Keena and all of you to get to know each other better. Unfortunately, I must admit that I do not know my own niece that well. If you do not mind, we would like to know more about you. So far, we know your background, but what do you like to do in your spare time. Here you have often joined in the household chores and now and then unknowingly put your singing talent on display. But is there anything more?" began Bobby. Athena had shown the others that they could start eating, and everyone took something, but also listened intently.
"You sing?", Maddie looked at me with glee.
"More or less. Only in the shower, in the car, or while I am cooking when I'm alone. But Bobby has already let me know that I have not always caught his return in time," I grinned and for the first time it felt genuine and from the heart.
"So, we won't be able to persuade you to sing to us?" interjected Chimney.
"No. My voice is for me alone," I laughed, grabbing some scrambled eggs.
"But I can tell you that Keena has a beautiful voice. We sang together in the car recently," Bobby grinned with pride. I was blushing bright red.
"What else is there in your life?", Athena was interested.
"I love stuffed animals. In Germany, I have a huge collection of stuffed animals," I confessed with a grin and had to smile a little at myself.
"Interesting hobby," Eddie marveled, grinning as well.
"They calm me down," I muttered, shoving some scrambled eggs into my mouth.
"So how do you relax in your spare time?" inquired Buck.
"Video games, drawing, and writing. I started writing books years ago, but eventually it was all just for myself," I answered him.
"And why was it just for yourself now?", Maddie wanted to know. I put my fork down and looked around. I had lost my appetite again.
"Because I've seen how cruel people can be. I think it is time to reveal the cards and tell you my story around David and me. But for that, I must strike out," nervously my leg started to bob. Where was I going to start?
"You don't have to...", Bobby tried to stop me, but I interrupted him.
"You guys got through David with me. I think it's only fair to tell you the story behind it, so you can understand me and my behaviors, because not everything has to do with you when I act weird," I explained to the hushed crowd.
"I don't really know where to start. It is probably smarter to start from the beginning at the Realschule (like second modern school). In Germany, children transfer to a secondary school at the age of 10-11 after elementary school, i.e., the fourth grade. For me there was a recommendation to go to the Realschule and that is where I went. With some friends I came to the new school and even to the same class. Everything was so new and so big and so different at the new school. We were again the younger ones at the school. It was the beginning of the time from a child to a growing adult. And I am sure each of you knows that time. I remember very well how the months went by and summer became autumn. That the class was slowly getting to know each other more and that the preparation for the rest of my life had begun. My birthday was at the end of October, but since many were celebrating and Halloween was in between, I didn't celebrate my childhood birthday until mid-November. I had invited some of my new friends to the ice-skating rink to go ice skating and right there something strange happened. To this day, I have absolutely no idea what exactly had happened there. Two boys around 15 or 16 years old came up to us. They asked if we came from our hometown, and I was already irritated. Why did they want to know where we were from? Anyway, someone answered that it was true, and the two boys left laughing. At some point we forgot about this strange incident and spent some nice hours on the ice. The party was over, the weekend rolled around and on Monday I had to go back to school. Halfway to school I realized that my homework for biology and geography was missing. I had forgotten to do them again and that would cause a lot of trouble. The time until we could go to the classroom was terrible. The teacher had always been strict, and I knew there would be a letter home. But everything was different. It was not our biology and geography teacher who came by, but a substitute teacher. She sent two classmates to get the TV. I still remember how relieved I was that the teacher was not there that day. So, we watched the movie "Once Upon a Time… Life" for 90 minutes and I really thought it could not have gone any better for me. At some point, the bell rang for recess. We went outside and I told my friends that I just wanted to get a cocoa from the vending machine. So, I ran over to the auditorium and got my cocoa, with which I ran back out to the schoolyard. Together we were standing in the schoolyard talking about how the movies were great when there was a first bang. At that moment I was really annoyed because I thought that someone had trampled a juice box on the ground again. But it was not like that. Another friend came back from the kiosk and started crying terribly. We had trouble understanding her and only a few minutes later we found out that there was a man shooting around. At first, I could not really believe her because she had often lied to us to get attention, but there were many shots. Another friend told us that we had to go straight to the girls' restroom, because the man could not follow us until there, because he was not allowed to go in the girls' restroom. So, we ran, and I looked around. Students started screaming and running. We ran to the restroom. A teacher came towards us, who was not a teacher we know from lessons, and said we had to go to the classrooms, but we kept running to the restroom and stayed there for a few minutes. At some point, another teacher got us out and took us over to another school where we could not go in yet. Many students were crying, and I just did not understand the world. One boy in my class, who was my best friend at the time, was quite upset with the whole situation. He kept saying that there was a crazy person spreading chaos there. Then we were finally able to get into the other school and the school auditorium was packed. A girl got a stomachache and explained to a teacher that she had her appendix out a few weeks ago and the scar would hurt her terribly. The man took care of the girl. I kept looking around. Some of my classmates were there, others were not. Where they were, the others did not know. At some point I was asked if I wanted to call my parents. I reported to the man that I did not know if my father was at work or at home, but that my mother was on her way. I told the man dad's company, and he did his best. Then we were pushed further back. A line was forming. Teachers wanted us to escape out a window so we would be safe. No one could tell if the shooter was not coming to this school. I saw the window in front of me. Only three kids left, and I had to climb through it when they said the situation had been defused. We were taken back to the entrance and parents rushed in. My father was among them. He took me past the press and cameramen. At a nearby hospital, we visited my grandma and then went home. At home we had tried to reach my mother as often as we could. Fortunately, she had turned off the radio and had miraculously been completely isolated. She didn't find out about the rampage until she was home," I recounted the first part of the story in detail. Maddie had tears in her eyes and everyone else did not quite know what to say. I held out my hand to Maddie and smiled at her.
"How is a kid supposed to understand a day like that?" mumbled Athena, a little lost in thought.
"But why...?" mused Buck, seemingly not understanding the world anymore.
"Because there were people who showed him that he wasn't worth anything as a human being and would never make friends or belong in society. He was bullied until he was broken and thought of revenge. He wanted to spread the pain he knew," I answered the half-spoken question.
"I forgave him. Other things made me angrier. Because after some time and a few classes later, I understood his motive. It was not his fault. From where had failed many more people who could prevent something, and this failure still exists. Not only in Germany, but in many other countries as well. If not worldwide," tears of hatred rose in me. This pain was present every day.
"The school apparently recovered with time. We got older, the schoolyard and school remodeled, and after the sixth grade the classes were shuffled. And that is when I met David. In the beginning, everything was still fine. We got to know each other, got new or old friends back and a new class teacher. But at some point, it changed. Stories were told and then I was targeted. I had met new friends and was a neutral person in the class. The newcomers were shunned and the others who knew each other kept to themselves. I was the person in between. I liked the newcomers, but also got along with the others. Every time I got along with the new classmates; we were given jibes. But as soon as I was with the others, they stopped. Eventually the time came when my best friend gave me a choice. Either I would stay with them or go down with the new ones. But since I had more contact with the new classmates during that time, I wanted to stay with them, and my own hell had begun. Every day we were insulted and called inferior. Phrases like: You are ugly; Nobody wants you; You are not worth anything, became my daily routine. They excluded me, showed their hatred towards me obviously and broke me a little bit more every day. My self-hatred grew. For me, life was hell. Every morning I had stomachaches and never wanted to go to school. At some point I asked myself, if I died from anything, who would be standing at my grave? Probably my parents, a few relatives. But friends? At first, I thought it was the new ones I had chosen, but how wrong I had been. The time step ahead. Some of the new classmates became mentally ill. We met and talked about our school days when we were bullied, ostracized and constantly made to feel small. But at some point, the tide turned. Suddenly I was alone. A classmate had found out about a new classmate's illness and told the class. They thought at the time that I had told, and they excluded me. I stood alone and had no one left. I didn't want to go to school anymore and even when I did, I was spat at or "accidentally" squashed against the wall in sports. I was called a louse and a victim. In ICQ, an account was created. Since I was broken anyway and it was drilled into me daily that no one loved me, I was often on ICQ and got to know people. At some point a boy wrote to me. We got to know each other, and I fell in love with him. I was so happy to have someone I liked and who also liked me, despite my past. Then one morning when I came to school, I was laughed at. David told me that my friends had done all this and sent everything to the class. All my feelings and desires, longings and imaginations had been read by the entire class. I had been humiliated and they did not care at all. They had broken me for four years to the point where I hated my body, found myself loathsome, and could never bond well with people. Eating became torture for me when they called me fat with a height of 5 feet 10 inches and a weight of 154,32 Ibs. In the summer I wore long clothes because I wanted to hide my weight. In the city I started watching people because I thought they were watching me since I was so repulsive. My mind was screaming louder and louder that life just was not worth it anymore. Only my heart was still holding on to this life, even though I had almost nothing left. I did not want to believe that this life with so much hate and sadness was simply over. Not even when David asked if I could not get weapons, go on a killing spree, and end up shooting myself without killing others, just so they would get a few weeks off. At some point I just wanted more out of life. I wanted to stand in front of them and say: You wanted to break me and take everything away from me, but I never gave up and now have a much better life than you. Just for that, I got back up at some point and fought. And the thought that there are more like me would not let me go. There are so many people out there who are as lonely as I was, and no one sees their need. I want so much to change that. I want to help," I finished the second part of my story.
"And what exactly did David have to do with all of this?", Eddie was the first to regain his voice.
"He started it all and pushed it over the years. He did everything like a man possessed to make me feel so inferior. He wanted me dead so badly because in his eyes I did not have the right to live," I answered Eddie's question.
"And I never got all that in my drunk and drugged state," Bobby noted.
"You didn't catch all that, fortunately. Mom and Dad were so powerless during that time. They had to deal with a withdrawn and aggressive child. They had to watch their own child go down and believe me, they both tried everything imaginable. There would have been nothing beautiful about watching a child die inside like that" I explained to him.
"That's why you have a hard time relating to people like that when all you've learned from them is hate and contempt", Maddie concluded, and I nodded at her.
"I may have had all that happen to me in life, and it may shock and sadden you as much as it is shocking and saddening to me sometimes. But I choose to live and not think about my past any more than I must. I dedicate my life to the people who need help and that keeps me going. That is my goal, which I pursue and exactly therefore I would like to be regarded also not as victim of the circumstances, but as humans. I am me with quirks and edges from the past, but I am not only the past. Therefore, give me the chance to be a person who can show you how much fun I can have. Sometimes there will be lows, but I will come out of them. With time and patience," I explained myself. Maddie stood up and came over to me. She hugged me warmly and stroked my back. For the first time, the hug was not a hindrance to me. I wrapped her in my arms as well.
"Thank you for being here," she whispered into my hair.
"Thank you to you for meeting me without prejudice," I returned. Maddie broke away from me again and sat down.
"You told me once that you felt so powerless. It was when that girl died and that's when you told me you wanted to change something" Bobby added into the conversation.
"I would like to start a club that catches bullies and offers them support. That is why I picked a lot of internships during my little time off to find out some things about working with youth, children and adults. I would like to start groups in different age groups who can support each other to return in a better everyday life and give each other the feeling of understanding. Bullying may stop after a while, but what is destroyed remains. So, we need to find a way to catch people who are just going through it and help them out, but also help those who have kept the fears and self-hatred. Each of these people needs care and a reason to go on in life," I told the others about my idea. Agreeing and interested, most nodded.
"I will definitely be there to support you," Maddie vowed, wiping away the tears that kept coming.
"I'm going to set all this up with you and build the club with you like I promised," Bobby assured me.
"We could start raising awareness about the issue to schools through the police. That way we might be able to reach out to bullies and the bullied," Athena suggested.
"What was your biggest and most fervent wish during that time?", Buck wanted to know.
"To be recognized as a person for once and to be loved for who you are. I tied that to the dream of having a day where I was the center of attention without a lot of drama or jealousy behind it. I wanted to be recognized and accepted as a person. That is probably how many others will feel. They will all have a big dream that gets them out of bed in the morning and keeps the fight going. That dream should come true for everyone," I replied to Buck. He started to think.
"As a fire station, can't we call in a few small favors from grateful rescued?" grinned Buck to the crowd.
"I'm sure there will be some who would be happy to do us a favor. We'd just have to structure it and build it somehow," Eddie interjected.
"From the looks of it, the 118 will fulfill your desire to help people," Bobby smiled at me.
"What would you guys think about a little concert?", Maddie brought up the idea.
"We need a permit and a place to do that," Bobby informed her, but he did not seem averse to the idea.
"And you should sing," Athena looked at me and I turned bright red.
"If anyone can put emotion into a song and get the lyrics across emotionally because you understand the words so well and feel it yourself, it's you. You will reach those people for sure," Bobby agreed. I was getting downright nervous.
"But I won't be able to do that in front of such a big crowd," I rebuffed her idea.
"We'll support you and you can practice with me and Chimney," Maddie smiled upliftingly at me. Chimney grinned, too.
"I'd definitely be on board with that," Hen looked over at me and smiled.
"We on the 118 are a family and that's where we support everyone," she added.
"So, we'll be regulars at the karaoke bar from now on," Chimney rejoiced, and the first part of my idea started to come to fruition. I had found incredibly nice people here and was proud to have become a part of them.