.

.

"W-w-why you gotta waste your time with this guy, Morty? Didn't you know, he wasted his time curing cancer?"

Morty looks up and glares as Rick pokes fun at Doofus Rick, who's visiting and looking at his Dad's coin collection.

"You cured cancer?" Morty asks Doofus Rick (and he winces when he thinks that name to himself. It's not "Doofus Rick." It's Rick J-19-Zeta-7.)

"Yeah, Morty! I sure did!" Doofus Rick flashes him a proud grin. "But only in my universe, Morty. The others wouldn't use it."

"Of course we didn't use it! Of all the dipshit things we could waste our vast intelligence on! I mean, c'mon, cancer? That's the most fucking cliché thing in the book! How about you go and cure space AIDS, too?"

"W-well, you know, Rick, I actually discovered the cure for cancer when I was researching HIV..."

"Jesus. You're like a fucking boy scout," Rick says, while Jerry opens the door.

"Rick, what do you think of my collection?" Jerry says. He opens his box.

"Nobody gives a shit about your collection," Rick says. Doofus Rick smiles at him.

"Ya wanna know why that dipshit there doesn't have a Morty, Morty? Because he was too fucking stupid to get laid!"

Rick is lounging on the couch, arms crossed and watching while Doofus Rick fiddles hesitantly with Jerry's box of coins.

"That's not true, Rick, i-i-it had nothing to do with my intelligence. I just was too shy to talk to others, and-"

"Nobody gives a shit, dipshit, why don't you go eat a turd or something?" Rick says, and Doofus Rick blanches. Jerry squares his shoulders.

"Rick, under my house, you need to be nice," Jerry says. "Doofus Rick is my friend."

"'Doofus Rick?'" Doofus Rick echoes, crestfallen, while C-137 Rick fistpumps, "Ha ha!"

"S-sorry, Rick J-19. It's just my Rick here keeps calling you that," Jerry winces. "I'm afraid that name's kinda stuck."

"That's because idiots latch onto things they learn through repetition," Rick says.

"So, you didn't get killed when Grandpa teleported the Citadel?" Summer asks. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"I was really lucky! I took cover in a cooling vent! The survivors and I were able to teleport the Citadel back."

"Pfft." Rick rolls his eyes. "I'm gonna take a shit," and he walks out of the kitchen.

"Gosh, I-I hope I'm not imposing," Doofus Rick says. Jerry shakes his head.

"Don't you worry about that, Rick J-19. Rick C-137 is just an ass."

"Hi Dad. J-19-Zeta-7 Dad. Do you want to stay for dinner?" Beth walks around the corner.

Rick bristles. "Don't tell me this moron's got you under his spell too."

"We've got pork chops," Beth says, and Doofus Rick claps his hands.

"R-really? I love pork chops!"

"Oh man. He really gets under your skin, huh Rick?" Morty says, and Rick snorts derisively.

"If he mattered enough to get under my skin. I-i-it's like seeing a bunch of ants in your kitchen, Morty. A bunch of ants lining up in your filthy, goddamn kitchen. And all you wanna do is kill 'em, Morty. Because they're marching around where they don't belong."

"Aw, Beth! You're so nice! Rick C-137 is really lucky to have a daughter like you!"

"Aww," Beth says, and Doofus Rick sparkles. The other Rick smacks his head.

xXx

.

"What, you're leaving?" Rick says, as Doofus Rick walks out into the driveway, the moon shining over them like a fat earbob. "It wasn't enough to play house with my family? You gonna go jerk off now, too?"

"Rick. I don't know your life. And I can't say I understand your emotions," Doofus Rick says. He zaps a hole with his portal gun, the green light swirling lightly. "But y-y-you're really lucky to have such a great family. And you have a great son-in-law with your Jerry."

"Jerry's an idiot," Rick says. "They're all idiots. Across the vast expanse of the infinite universe. All of them are fucking idiots."

"I'll see you later, Rick," Doofus Rick says. He steps into the portal.

"Fuckin' loser," Rick says, as the portal swirls closed.