Chapter 9:
With Krump distracted in his office and Klink and Burkhalter on their way to camp, Hogan and his team stepped outside barracks two to start the third part of their plan. With his arm wrapped around Klink's daughter, Hogan turned to Carter and nodded. "Alright, Carter, time for Plan C. LeBeau's over by the dog kennel with Schnitzer on standby, and Kinch is across the compound hiding behind the kommandant's office. Nod to LeBeau when your ready, and he'll release the dogs."
"Right, Colonel," Carter said.
"Good luck."
Carter nodded, then got down on the ground and carefully lifted Felix, his pet mouse, out of his jacket pocket. The little mouse squeaked a few times as Carter gave his beloved pet a little pep talk. "Alright, little buddy. You know what to do. You do this for little Kalina now." The sergeant gently set Felix down on the ground and hurried back to Hogan's side as the tiny mouse put Plan C into action. He continued to scurry around, when the cluster of guards outside the kommandantur noticed him and began to scream and jump in fear.
"Mouse!" A corporal cried, causing chaos to erupt through the large group.
As Felix continued to cause guards of all ranks to scream and find a place to take cover, Kinch took the large pet carrier in his hands and unlocked the hinge. He opened the door to release five cats of different colors loose into camp, then abandoned the carrier and hurried to Newkirk, who stood by the side of the barracks watching everything go down.
Felix soon came back to Carter, who quickly picked him up and put him back into his jacket pocket. He turned to LeBeau and gave a short nod before running back to Hogan and Kalina's side. The Frenchman nodded in acknowledgement, made sure no one was watching, then slammed his hand down on the latch keeping the dog kennel closed to break it off, then sprinted to his friends as the ruckus ensued.
The cats continued to run around camp meowing up a storm before running back towards the guards, angry German and Belgian Shepherds escaping out of the kennel and chasing after their feline enemies growling and barking. The guards started screaming and shouting again, one going so far as to jump up onto the kommandantur's porch and climbing up one of the poles for safety. Another guard, a sergeant, jumped up onto the kommandant's staff car's front truck and pulled his legs up against his chest before breaking down and crying.
Hearing the ruckus outside, the three Allied officers took their chance. They pulled the bars out of the window, and Forrester stuck his head outside to check the coast. He looked off to the barbed wire fence facing the woods and found Olsen there, waving for them to make their break. The three officers climbed out of the cell one by one, sprinted for their exit, then cautiously made their way through the cut wires and vanished into the forest with their map out of Germany.
By the time Stalag 13 was completely out of control, a Gestapo staff car pulled up behind Krump's and came to a slow halt. It was then Hochstetter and two other Gestapo officers stepped out into the compound and felt their eyes nearly fall out of their head as they saw the circus of a mess inducing havoc over the camp. They found Gruber on the ground screaming for help as a mean German Shepherd was ripping his uniform and shaking him like a rag doll. On the far right side near the kommandant's office, an American prisoner jumped up behind a guard and sprayed him with silly string, cackling hysterically as he ran off, the guard snapping a furious gaze at him. The guard lifted his rifle and went to fire, but a white flag reading 'SUCKER' popped out instead. The guard's mouth dropped as he grabbed his rifle and stared at it completely baffled. He looked up with a mortified expression, then saw a snarling German Shepherd running for him and ran the other way screaming like a little girl.
Standing by the side of their barracks, Kinch and Newkirk clapped their hands and cheered on the dogs and cats as they continued to attack guards or chase them up onto cars, benches, or even the roofs of the prisoners' barracks.
Carter and LeBeau, who stood by Hogan and Kalina, were laughing at the storm of chaos they had created, little Kalina covering her mouth to keep her grin from being spotted by Hochstetter or one of his colleagues. Hogan felt a smirk coming to his face and ducked his head, covering his lips as he began chuckling himself.
It was then Krump finally came out of his office to see what all the commotion was, and felt his color drain as he saw everything before his eyes. His jaw dropped from its hinges as he ran his head back across his hair, Schultz soon coming to his side and having the same reaction as he commanding officer did. Once coming out of shock, Krump turned his attention to his senior sergeant. "Sergeant," he hollered over all the noise. "Fire your gun to gain everyone's attention."
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant," Schultz said, and aimed his rifle up at the sky. He pressed on the trigger and was surprised to find a brown, fizzy liquid come out through the muzzle instead of a bullet.
Not hearing a bang, Krump looked at Schultz again and backed up a few feet when he noticed it starting to rain on him. "What is that?!"
Schultz pointed his rifle to his mouth to take a sip and moaned with delight. "Mmmmmm. Tastes like Coca Cola," he reported.
"Coca Cola!" Krump exclaimed. He then turned his eyes to the right, spotted Hochstetter, and felt his heart stop. "Oh no," he said, quickly making his way down the stairs and over to the three Gestapo officers. He gave Hochstetter a salute before the Gestapo major spoke.
"Major Krump," he said. "I am Major Hochstetter of the Hammelburg Gestapo. This is Colonel Donath and Major Obenauer. Colleagues of mine sent from Berlin."
"To pick up the prisoners," Krump gasped, scratching his forearm. He immediately tried to regain composure and stood straight at attention. "Is there any way you gentlemen could come back say, oh I don't know, not now?"
As Hochstetter opened his mouth to say something, a German Shepherd ran to Krump's side and began tugging on one of his pants legs, growling and snarling as he slowly pulled the tucked trousers out from the kommandant's boot.
"Get this mangy mutt off of me!" Krump hollered, desperately trying to shake the large dog off of him.
Langenscheidt, who was keeping guard outside the kommandantur, looked over at the dog and major with a blank expression on his face. "Stop. Bad dog. Nein," he said, then turned his head back to the front of him and continued to watch the chaos in silence.
Krump continued to shake the German Shepherd off of his leg, when a third staff car pulled up alongside the kommandantur's. This time belonging to Burkhalter. When the car came to a complete stop, Burkhalter and Klink stepped out of the car, saw the nut show that was Stalag 13, and Burkhalter narrowed his eyes in fury. "KRUMP!" He hollered.
"What is this?!" Klink bellowed. He watched as a guard fought with a Belgian Shepherd over his broken rifle, while another one, a private, was being barked and snarled at by two German Shepherds. The private climbed up on a bench by one of the barracks, then proceeded to grab up onto the roof and swung his legs up. He turned to look in Klink's direction. "Herr Kommandaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhnt!" He sobbed.
"Perfect timing," Hogan said to his friends, who were all trying to keep their laughter under control.
A group of dogs began charging in Klink and Burkhalter's direction, when the previous kommandant stepped forward with a stern look to his face. "HALT!" He shouted, causing the dogs to stop in their tracks and whimper.
"Wait!" Schnitzer cried, running after his dogs. "Heidi, Helmut, heel!"
"Sit," Klink ordered, and the dogs complied with a few more whines. "Now go back to your kennels; you've caused enough trouble as it is," he continued, with the wave of his hand.
The Shepherds obeyed and trotted back to the kennel, Schnitzer following from behind. The veterinarian paused halfway and looked back at Klink. He mouthed 'Danke', then returned his attention to his dogs and herded them back into the kennel.
"Everyone," Klink called out. "Everyone, attention please. All of your complaints will be handled at once."
The guard with the 'sucker' flag in his rifle sprinted for his old commanding officer's side and showed him the damage done to his weapon. "Herr Kommandant, look at this," he said, mortified. "Look at what they've done to my rifle. It's rendered completely useless now."
"Grab a new one out of the ammunition building and grab yourself a full new case of ammunition for it," Klink ordered. "Tell all your comrades to do the same once your done."
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Danke, Herr Kommandant." The guard gave Klink a proper salute, then darted for the designated building. With one situation diverted, the general made his way over to Gruber, whose uniform was tattered and torn from the angry dog attacking him earlier.
"Captain Gruber," Klink said. "Take a shower and put on a fresh uniform. I will write you up a new pass immediately and have you on the next flight out of Hammelburg. You will be in Hamburg for your sister's wedding by late tonight, I promise you."
"Danke, Herr General," Gruber answered. The captain then turned his gaze off to his quarters as unshed tears began to fill the brim of his eyes. "And now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go back to my quarters...and cry." Gruber walked off, doing his best to muffle his sniffling as he slowly faded from sight. Klink shook his head a few times, empathy for his old adjutant filling his heart, then walked over to where the private was still clinging to the roof of one of the prisoner's barracks.
"Private Reichel, it's alright. You can come down now," Klink told the young man kindly.
Reichel's teeth were chattering, his body shivering as he looked down and around his surroundings. He swallowed a lump down his throat. "Are you sure?" He asked. "Those, those crazy dogs aren't out any, anymore, are they?"
Klink could not fight back the soft chuckle that rose from him. "Yes, Private, I'm sure."
Reichel looked around once more, then let his legs fall down onto the bench and released his grip from the roof siding. He stepped down onto the ground one foot at a time and brushed himself off.
Klink smiled at the boy and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off, Private. I think you and everyone else here could use a break today," he said.
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Danke, Sir." Reichel gave the general a salute, then made his way off to the guards' quarters. He paused halfway there and turned around to face Klink again. "Herr Kommandant?" He waited for Klink to give him his attention. When he had it, Reichel grinned. "Thank you for coming, Herr Kommandant."
Klink returned the grin and nodded. "You're welcome, Private," he answered.
Reichel gave him a final salute, then resumed his trek to the dormitory.
Hogan and his team smiled as their beloved kommandant turned around and bellowed his senior sergeant's name.
"SCHULTZ!"
The fluffy sergeant ran as quickly as his legs could carry him towards his old commander and gave him a salute. "Yes, Herr Kommandant?" He asked.
"Take all the guards out tonight for a special dinner in town. All on me. And uh...gather up our feline friends and take them back to the shelter while you're at it."
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! At once," Schultz remarked, proudly saluting his old commander. "Anything for you, Herr Kommandant." He turned to head inside the kommandantur, when he took a brief moment and stopped for Krump. "And for you, nichts." Schultz continued up the stairs and disappeared inside the building, while Krump clenched his fists and ground his jaw to keep himself from blowing up in front of the two generals and three Gestapo officers. (1)
"Klink," Hochstetter said, he and his colleagues stepping towards him and Burkhalter. "I don't believe I am actually saying this, but you are quite efficient in keeping this camp running smoothly."
The new general chuckled and hung his head, his cheeks blushing bashfully. "Oh Major, it's nothing really at all. Just mere experience," Klink said, with the wave of his hand.
It was then Krump could not take it anymore. He stormed towards the group of officers. "I had everything under control, Herr Major," he spat. "He only finished what I was in the process of doing!"
"Not from where I stand," Burkhalter said, clasping his hands behind his back. "After witnessing everything that has just occurred, it is very clear to me that you can neither gain the loyalty from your subordinates, nor are you fit enough to run a model POW camp."
"THIS ISN'T A POW CAMP!" Krump bellowed, stomping his foot in a rage. "This is an insane asylum. With cats and rats and dogs and prisoners and emotionally unstable little girls!" The last part he turned to Kalina and spat at her. The response he got from her was a cold stare and a tongue raspberry. Krump snarled and shook his fist at her before turning his attention back to Klink, Burkhalter, and the Gestapo officers. "The only thing this damn nut house is missing is a psychotic dictator. Watch it," he warned, seeing Klink about to open his mouth and say something. "You would have to be a lunatic to want to work here!" He resumed angrily scratching his left forearm and shaking his right leg like a dog with fleas. "GODDAMMIT, WHY DO I ITCH SO MUCH?!"
"Well," Klink said, raising his hands and throwing them back down in front of him. "I've been called worse."
"Klink," Burkhalter said, stepping forward. "As of now, I am officially stationing you back here to resume command of Stalag 13. It is obvious you are much more needed here than in Berlin...If I wish to keep my job, that is."
Hogan's men and Kalina began to cheer and clap their hands in celebration, Klink silently chuckling and beaming at all of them at their warm welcome home. And while Klink was welcomed back with open arms, Burkhalter approached Krump and stuck out his hand.
"Major Krump, your office keys. Your camp identification badge, and your swagger stick," he ordered, Krump complying as he handed over each one before reaching his swagger stick. He slammed it down onto the general's palm, nearly breaking Burkhalter's hand. Burkhalter let out a yelp before giving the major a firm glare. He opened his mouth to say something, when a corporal came bolting from the cooler screaming Krump's name.
"Herr Kommandant! Herr Kommandant! Herr Kommandant, I beg to report that there's been an escape," the corporal said.
"THERE'S BEEN WHAAAAT?!" Krump hollered.
"The three Allied officers being held in the cooler, Herr Kommandant. They're gone. They snuck out the window and cut through the wires at the far east side of camp during the commotion. They're nowhere to be found."
Hochstetter's colleague, Colonel Donath, snapped his blazing eyes at the major. "You let my three prisoners escape out of custody?" He snarled. "I was to hand them over to Reichsfuhrer Himmler himself!"
Hochstetter roughly grabbed Krump by the arms and pinned them to his back, while Obenauer placed handcuffs on the Luftwaffe officer. "I am taking you in for intensive questioning." He turned to Obenauer. "Take him back to Headquarters and put him in our private holding unit."
"Jawohl, Herr Major," Obenauer said.
"You can't do this to me!" Krump exclaimed. "I had nothing to do with those men escaping. I don't even know how they could've gotten out of tha…" He paused mid-sentence as he lay eyes on Hogan, then his face flushed to the color of a fire engine. "You. YOU are the one responsible for this!"
"Me," Hogan remarked, his eyes widening in surprise. "I didn't go anywhere near the cooler. You said anyone who did would be shot without warning."
"Damn you, Hogan, you haven't seen the last of me. I'll destroy you if it's the last thing I ever do!" Krump proclaimed, as he was dragged away to Hochstetter's car. "You're gonna regret this, you filthy pig! Just wait and see! You'll all see!" The major was shoved into the back seat of the car, then the three Gestapo officers boarded inside and departed Stalag 13 without another word.
"Klink, I will take my leave as well," Burkhalter said, he and his subordinate walking towards his car. "I will have both your personal belongings and paperwork transferred to you here in Hammelburg as soon as I return to Berlin."
"Actually, Herr General, after dealing with this whole situation today, I've been thinking quite a bit about this matter. I think I wish to return to my rank of colonel, Herr General," Klink stated.
"Return to colonel?" Burkhalter gasped. "You beg me all these years for a promotion to general, and now you want to return to being a colonel? Are you feeling alright, Klink, or did that private land on your head as he got back onto the ground?"
"No, General Burkhalter, I assure you that I'm fine as rain. It's just...my time in Berlin really opened my eyes. It made me see things in ways I couldn't see them before. And as much as I love being a general, there's something that I love even more than that: being a father to my little girl." Klink turned his head back, and his smile widened, while his blue eyes sparkled with unconditional love as he gazed at Kalina. "I don't want any military rank to cloud that judgment."
Not able to hold back her excitement anymore, Kalina parted from Hogan's side and sprinted to her father, wrapping her arms around him the minute she reached him. She rested her head on his chest and fell content as Klink held her close and gave her a kiss on the head, gently rubbing the back of her head in his usual manner. She looked up at Klink and gave him a bold grin, making him beam back down at her and give her another kiss on the head.
Burkhalter let out a heavy breath of air, but nodded. "Very well, Klink. I shall have your personal belongings and a new set of colonel uniforms sent here by the end of the week." The general exchanged salutes with Klink, then stepped inside his staff car, but turned to the kommandant once more. "And Klink."
Klink looked up from his daughter and saw Burkhalter nod at him again. "Keep up the good work," he finally said, causing Klink to give a sincere smile back to his commanding officer.
"Danke, Herr General," he answered.
Without another word, Burkhalter gave one final salute to Klink, closed the door behind him, and the general's staff car drove out of camp.
As soon as Burkhalter's staff car was out of sight, Klink turned his gaze back down to his daughter and hugged her close, giving her a third kiss on the head. "Come on, Suße," he said to her. "Let's go get my office back into running order."
"Yes, Papa," Kalina answered.
Arm and arm around each other, the Klink duo walked up the stairs of the kommandantur and entered inside the office that again belonged to the illustrious Iron Eagle. Seeing the sight made Hogan grin with satisfaction and wrapped his arms around himself.
"Well that's the last of him, mates," Newkirk said, referring to Krump.
"Good. I could not take a single day more of Monsieur Fou's reign of terror." LeBeau commented, crossing his arms in front of him.
"I don't think any of us could, Louis," Kinch said. "One week with Krump is enough to last someone a lifetime."
"What do we do now, Colonel?" LeBeau asked, turning to Hogan.
"What we do best," Hogan answered. "Continue making Klink's life miserable."
"Hogan, I know you had something to do with all this chaos happening in camp today, and I want to know what that was this instant," Klink demanded, sitting again in his chair behind his desk. He stared his American counterpart straight in the eye, who had been ordered to report to his office as soon as evening roll call was dismissed.
"Kommandant, I resent that cruel accusation," Hogan remarked, feigning offense. "It's not my fault Major Krump couldn't keep a handle of things around here. Today's mayhem is just another thing of evidence proving his current mental state. Frankly Sir, you saved us from ultimate tragedy."
"That might very well be, but how do you explain all the cats running around camp? The sabotaged rifles. The dog kennel latch being severed...my pencil cup spitting out a jack-in-the-box…" the last part was said with great displeasure.
Hogan pursed his lips as he very briefly 'thought' on the matter, then made his attention back to Klink. "Bad luck gone wrong? There was a black cat running around camp earlier, after all."
"You think this is all fun and games, Colonel Hogan? Captain Gruber almost missed his sister's wedding, half of my guards are mentally traumatized, and three Allied prisoners wanted by Reichsfuhrer Himmler have fled the country. Now you tell me what's so funny about either one of those things?" As he waited for an answer, Klink began scratching his left forearm, gradually itching the area harder and harder over a matter of seconds.
Noticing the sudden discomfort of the German, Hogan furrowed his eyebrows together, and a concerned expression spread across his face. "Kommandant," he said. "Everything alright, Sir? You seem quite uncomfortable suddenly."
"Oh, I'm alright. Just a little itch, nothing too serious…" Klink answered, frowning as the little spot began to spread to other parts of his body. He began scratching his lower back and fidgeting in his chair. "Probably just some dead skin, is all." He grimaced as the itching soon consumed most of his body, and Klink started scratching his right leg, shaking it on the ground like a dog with fleas.
"Stop that," Hogan said. He put his hand on his belly and began scratching it. "You're making me itchy just watching you." He moved his hand to his clavicle area and scratched it as the same itch Klink had gradually spread throughout his body. His foot now itching as well, Hogan stomped it down on the ground repeatedly as he scratched the back of his neck. "God Kommandant, you bring a colony of fleas down from Berlin on your way here or something?"
"Hogan, if you're suggesting I fail to take care of my personal hygiene, I'll…" Klink never finished his sentence. He snatched his riding crop off of his desk and began using it as a back scratcher, while he used his other hand to scratch his hip. "Mein Gott, it's all over the place!"
The American grimaced as the itch went from his neck clear down to his toes. He whimpered as he pinned his back up against the side of Klink's filing cabinet and maneuvered himself to try and alleviate the itching on his back, scratching his belly again in the process. "Kommandant, what the hell did you do to me?!" Hogan finally exclaimed, the agony of the itch practically unbearable.
"I haven't done anything to you. I simply sat down at my desk and…" Klink again paused mid-sentence as he pulled his leg up and scratched the area behind his knee. "Good grief, it's like someone put itching powder throughout my entire offi…" He trailed off as he and Hogan made eye contact with one another. It then dawned on Hogan. Itching powder. Krump. He knew exactly why he and Klink had suddenly started to itch like mad.
"Hogan! —" "Carter! —"
(1) nichts - Nothing