All the World's a Stage

1999

Monica closes the door as her parent's finally step into the hallway and leave for the night. She spins around to face the rest of her friends in the apartment. Leaning against the door, she mocks wiping sweat from her brow and exhales as a sign of relief that another Thanksgiving is finally over.

"Whew. Well, that was only a partial disaster."

"I thought it went great." Chandler smiles smugly as he deposits some dirty plates in the kitchen sink.

Monica glares at him as she tries to suppress a smile.

Rachel pulls a bottle of water from the refrigerator and twists off the cap. "Well, look on the bright side Mon. Not only do your parents know about the two of you living together, but now they seem to be big fans of it. I say take the win."

Monica shakes her head and grabs the dirty trifle bowl that was still resting on the counter. She shudders as she looks at the last bits of custard, jam, beef and peas inside the bowl. "This is going in the trash."

Rachel groans and walks out of the kitchen and into the living room. She sits down in the big comfy chair next to Phoebe. Rachel looks over at her and frowns as she notices the dejected look on her face.

"Pheebs, you okay?"

"I'm just bummed out about Jacques Cousteau. I'm starting to wonder if I knew him in a past life. Maybe I was a forbidden lover of his who died tragically at a young age forcing him to turn to a life at sea."

"Wait. You were talking about that guy? I thought you meant the French detective."

Chandler steps towards the living room as he dries off a plate. "Rach? Are you talking about Inspector Clouseau?"

Rachel points at him and nods emphatically. "Yes! That guy!"

"Rach, uh, that guy isn't real. He's a fictional character from the Pink Panther movies."

Rachel brings her fingers to her mouth and taps her lips as her eyes open wide with discovery. "Ooohhh."

The front door swings open as Joey and Ross stomp their way back into the apartment, both men grousing under their breath. Monica looks over at Chandler and smiles and then returns her gaze towards the two of them.

"Uh, welcome back guys. What happened to your hot dancer party?"

Ross shuffles into the living room and plops down on the couch. "Why don't you ask Joey." He gestures angrily at him with his thumb and then folds his arms as he begins to pout.

"Ross, I said I was sorry."

Chandler drops the dish towel on the kitchen table and smirks as he walks over to Joey. "What happened Joe?"

Joey turns towards Chandler and drops his hands into his pockets. "I lost the address that the party was at."

Ross scoffs. "Uh, lost it Joe?"

"Okay, fine. We went back over to my apartment so I could, you know, freshen up. Well, it's so hot in there since I turned the thermostat up and I started to get all sweaty. That's when I grabbed a napkin to wipe my forehead."

"And what was on that napkin Joe?" Chandler chuckles lightly and closes his eyes as he nods. Almost as if he were about to savor every word of his friend's reply.

"The address to the party. Now, it's all smudged and we can't read it." Joey walks around the couch, to the other of the coffee table, and pulls the ottoman over to sit on. He props his elbows on his knees, holds his chin up in his hands, and begins to sulk.

Phoebe claps her hands and straightens up. "Oh yay! Now you guys get to hang out with us!"

Ross looks over at Rachel and sighs. "Well, what are you guys doing?"

Chandler walks over and sits down next to Ross on the couch. "Well, Phoebe was telling us all about how she dated Peter Sellers in a past life."

Ross squints his eyes in disbelief. "What? Pheebs, there's no such thing as past lives."

"Oh sure. Says the guy who believes in giant lizards."

"Giant lizards? Do you mean dinosaurs?"

"Whatever. I'm just saying, Ross, you of all people, should have an open mind. We all have had past lives. I remember this one time, we were all together, almost exactly like we are now!"

Rachel sits up and positions herself on the edge of the comfy chair. "Really? All of us? Ooo. What was I? Like a princess or something."

Phoebe turns her head to avoid making eye contact with Rachel. "Sure, or something."

Monica walks over to the couch and sits next to Chandler. She reaches down and grabs his hand, wrapping her arm around his and leans her head on his shoulder. "Phoebe. Are you telling me you remember a past life where you knew all of us?"

"Yeah, well, I remember most of it."

Ross shakes his head and scoffs. "Phoebe. That's preposterous."

"Oh, well, then I guess you don't want to know about all those scientific discoveries you made back then."

Ross leans forward and a sheepish smile spreads across his lips. "Wait, are you telling me I was a famous scientist?"

Phoebe averts her eyes, so she is no longer looking at Ross. "Sure, or something."

Monica pats Chandler's knee excitedly. "Ooo, So, did we all know each other too?"

"Pretty much."

Joey grabs at a piece of candy sitting in a dish on the coffee table and turns his body to face Phoebe. "So, what happened?"

"Well, it was the late 1500s, or maybe it was the early 1600s. I'm not quite sure. I can get a little fuzzy with the dates. Anyway, we were all in Europe. I was a seamstress in this traveling troupe of actors, and we were just about to enter this small English town when some of the wagons got stuck in mud."

the 16th Century

Chandler looks down at the wheels of his carriage, almost halfway buried in thick mud. "Well, there is no way around it. We are stuck in the mud."

Ross lets out an exasperated sigh as he folds his arms. "Yeah, I see that. Great. We are so close to home too."

"We should be able to get out of this. We just need some shovels and maybe a few pieces of wood from the sets."

Ross shakes his head. "This is going to take forever."

"Calm down. We'll be home soon."

Ross nods and puts his hand on Chandler's shoulder. "I know. I'm just excited. It's been three years since we've been back and I really miss my family."

Chandler shrugs his shoulders and sighs. "Meanwhile, I would love a three-year break from mine."

"What are you talking about. Your dad is one of the actors. That's so exciting. My dad is a pig farmer. Not so exciting."

"Yeah, but my dad is always wearing a dress. It can get a little embarrassing."

"Chandler, you know all the actors are men. Of course, when they are playing the women, some of them wear dresses."

"Yeah, but my dad only plays the women in these plays; He never takes the part of a man. Also, he wears the dresses even when we aren't performing a show."

Ross nods reluctantly. "That is true."

Phoebe walks over to the two men and looks down to inspect the sunken wheels of the carriage. "Looks like we are stuck in the mud."

Chandler raises his eyebrows sarcastically. "You think?"

Ross shakes his head and walks over to sit on a stump by the side of the road. "I am never getting home, am I?"

Phoebe rolls her eyes. "You only want to go home because of the letter you got from Monica while we were in France about her friend Rachel."

1999

Ross raises his hands and shakes his head in disbelief. "Phoebe. This doesn't make any sense. Why do we all have our own names?"

"Oh, well, I just thought that would make it easier for you to follow along."

Monica laughs and runs her hand along Chandler's leg as she shares a smile with him. Both of them becoming amused at the growing frustration Ross seems to be having with Phoebe and her story.

"Phoebe, do you know what our names were back then?"

Phoebe points at Monica. "Your name is actually, uh, Katherina, or it might have been Beatrice. Chandler, your name was Benedick. Ross, you were Lucentio and Rachel's name was actually Bianca."

Chandler smiles and nods. "What was your name Pheebs?"

"Phoebe."

Chandler shakes his head and shares a bemused look with Monica. Rachel smiles smugly at the rest of the group. "So, my name was Bianca. I like that. Sounds a lot more believable than Lucentio." She turns and flashes a mocking expression at Ross.

Ross's brow begins to wrinkle as he looks down. "Those names sound really familiar."

Phoebe chuckles smugly. "Of course they do. They were your names."

"No, I think I heard them somewhere else."

Joey shakes his head and gestures dismissively at Ross. "Forget them Pheebs. Who was I?"

"Oh Joey, I told you last year. You're brand new."

"You mean I'm not in the story?"

Phoebe looks around at the rest of the group as they all share a sympathetic expression with each other. Chandler nods, almost as if giving Phoebe permission. "You know what Joe, I forgot; you are in the story. You were Benedick's best friend, Don Pedro."

"Nice. I always wanted to be a Don."

"Okay, now, where was I? Oh yeah, so they get the caravan out of the mud and they all finally arrive in Ross's town."

The 16th Century

"Come on Chandler. You can help me with my bags. Plus, you haven't seen my family since we left. You should at least come with me to say hello. This way they can thanks you personally and see what good care you guys took of me while we were away."

"I didn't think your family liked me that much."

"What? Of course, they do."

Chandler widens his eyes suspiciously at Ross. "They called me a jester and a pauper."

"You do make a lot of jokes, and look at you." Chandler looks down at his ragged clothes. "Can you blame them?"

Phoebe chuckles and looks over at the rest of their troupe, who are already setting up the stage for tomorrow evening's performance. "You know, I finished the costumes on the way here. They don't need me tonight. I bet I can come with you and no one will even notice. Besides, I never get to leave the caravan."

Chandler nods. "And I guess I can come. I don't really do anything else besides warm up the crowd before each performance, and I've got all my jokes for tomorrow written right here." Chandler pats the pocket on his chest. Ross and Phoebe share a disdainful look as they both groan loudly. "I guess we just have to check with Gunther."

1999

"Wait! Gunther?" Ross looks around the room, hoping to find someone else to join him in questioning Phoebe's story.

"Yeah. Gunther is the guy who wrote the play. Only his name is Bill, or Will. I can't remember."

"Oh my god! I know why those names all sound familiar. They're from Shakespeare. Are you telling me Gunther was William Shakespeare?"

"That's it. William. Yeah, why?"

Ross looks around the room again at everyone else, hoping to find the same look of disbelief on their faces that he is certain is plastered on his own. "That's crazy!"

"Not really. I bump into Gunther a lot in my past lives. He was the leader of France when I lived there in the early 1800s. I met him; he was not a nice guy back then. Very short too. He was also Vincent Van Gogh; but when I met him, he was more like Vincent Van No thank you if you know what I mean." Phoebe points at her ear and twists her face up in disgust. "Oh, and he was in Greece and came up with this theorem about triangles or something."

Ross stands up sharply, barely able to contain himself. "Pythagoras? As in the Pythagorean Theorem?"

Phoebe nods excitedly and points at Ross. "Yes! That's it! Ooo...were you there too?"

Rachel takes a pillow from behind her on the chair and throws it at Ross. "Hey! Down in front. We haven't even gotten to me yet!"

Ross sits down and looks over at Chandler and Monica with an exasperated expression on his face, but both of them seem too entertained to share his misgivings about Phoebe's tale.

Phoebe straightens up once more and smiles. "Okay, where was I?"

The 16th Century

Ross steps down from the front of the carriage and skips up towards his family home. "Mom? Dad? Monica? I'm back!"

Monica comes in from the kitchen, wiping her hands on an apron tied around her waist. "Ross! It is so good to see you!" Ross steps back as his eyes go wide. "Wow! Monica. You lost so much weight!"

"I know. I had to do your job and mine while you were out exploring the world. I guess all the extra physical activity just melted it all away. How did it go out there in the world?"

"Oh Mon, it was great. While they would put on a show, I would wander the countryside and find all kinds of specimens and collect them. I have a trunk full of plants and flowers. I can't wait to catalog everything."

1999

"Wait! I'm a botanist? A Botanist! Botany is barely on the same level as geology!"

Joey looks over at Ross. "What do they do?"

Ross laughs to himself smugly. "Collect rocks."

Phoebe smiles. "Oh wow, you did that too."

"I was a botanist and a geologist? Oh, man. The other paleontologists would never let me live that down."

Chandler shakes his head in disdain. "Yeah, I'd hate to see you lose your status with the cool guys at work. You know, the ones who are into dinosaurs."

Monica waves her arms at them, shushing Ross and Chandler. "Will you stop interrupting? I want to hear what else happened."

The 16th Century

"Where are mom and dad?"

"They're down at the market selling some pigs. They won't return until tomorrow."

Ross nods sadly at the missed opportunity to see his parents, but he quickly finds his wherewithal again and smiles as he hugs his sister. Chandler and Phoebe enter the spacious farm house and Chandler gasps as he drops a small trunk onto the floor. "What the hell do you have in here? Rocks?"

Ross pushes his sister back and jumps down to the ground to retrieve the discarded trunk. "My samples!" He inspects the latch, which seems to be loose, and starts to fiddle with it.

Chandler steps further into the room, and his mouth opens wide upon seeing Ross's little sister. "Monica. Oh my god. Look at you. You look so great. That dress, that body."

Ross looks up sharply and narrows his eyes at Chandler. "Hey!"

Monica shoves an angry finger into Chandler's chest. "Watch yourself mister. I remember how you treated me before you left."

Chandler looks around the room in confusion. "What?"

"You called me Rubenesque. What? You think we don't hear about new artists down here on the farm?"

Chandler starts to stammer. "What? Well, uh, I just called you that because he is so organized." Monica seethes and shakes her head at Chandler, huffing and grumbling under her breath as she walks away. Chandler turns to look at Ross and starts to speak under his breath. "Wow. She can be kind of waspish, huh?"

Monica shouts from the adjacent room. "If I be waspish you best beware my sting!"

Chandler winces and Phoebe chuckles to herself. "Your luck with women here is just as bad as it was in Italy. Have you been rejected in every part of Europe?"

"Just the parts that have women."

Ross shakes his head and looks up as he senses someone else enter the room. His eyes go wide as he blinks a few times to make sure what he is seeing is real. "Rachel?"

Rachel looks down at Ross who is still trying to fix the loose clasp on his trunk. "Oh, hey. You're Monica's brother, right?"

"Yeah. What are you doing here? Monica told us your marriage was called off, but she didn't say you would be here."

Rachel shakes her head in frustration. "Don't get me started. First, there was a problem with Barry's dowry, then, I found him sleeping with one of my best maidens, and finally, he was challenged by another suitor for my hand and they both killed each other in a duel. I'm starting to think marriage may not be all it is cracked up to be."

Ross laughs, which causes Rachel to look at him sharply. "No, I'm sorry. I wasn't laughing at you. I had problems too. I was supposed to marry the Willick girl, Carol, but then she gets into this shipwreck, disguises herself as a man, and then, some woman named Susan falls in love with her and no one has seen her since."

Rachel stares blankly at Ross for a long time and then over his shoulder at Chandler and Phoebe, as if looking for an explanation. Phoebe shrugs her shoulders. "Don't look at me. This is the first I've heard this."

Chandler rubs his chin. "Wait, I think I did hear this before. Actually, I think I read it. Ross, did you tell Gunther about this?"

Ross shakes his head and scoffs. "Gunther? No way. I did tell your mother one night while we shared a glass of wine."

Chandler becomes agitated as he glares at Ross. "Oh, you mean the night you kissed my mom?"

"Chandler. I told you. It was the wine."

Chandler gestures at Ross dismissively. "Wait, so if you only told my mom, then why do I remember seeing this in one of Gunther's notes for a play?"

Phoebe laughs. "Chandler. Gunther doesn't write the plays. Your mother does. He's just a front because no one would put on a play written by a woman."

Chandler turns his glare towards Phoebe and gesticulates angrily. "Wait. Are you telling me my mother is writing all of these plays?"

"Yeah. I thought you knew that."

"Uh, no. Now I know why that play about all the fairies sounded so familiar. She's been using me for all of these plays! Well, no more. I am not telling her anything ever again."

Phoebe averts her gaze and nods. "Yes. And I too will not tell her anything. Even if she offers to pay me. Even if she pays me very well."

Chandler narrows his eyes as he glares at Phoebe. "She pays you?"

Phoebe shakes her head and silently mouths, "no" but then relents as she nods. "Okay, yes. You're mother pays me to spy on everyone and feed her gossip for her writing. Is that bad?"

Ross shakes his head, dismissing Chandler and Phoebe to their argument and smiles as he returns his attention to Rachel. He marvels at how good she looks. All of the familiar feelings he had for her before he left have come swarming around his head again. Rachel Green, standing in his home, and she is single. He can't believe his luck.

"So, are you thinking about getting married again?"

Rachel sighs and shakes her head. "I don't know. For the first year, my dad kept sending me suitors. There was this one landowner from Italy named Paolo who I kind of liked, but then I found him groping another woman in the Bloomingdale's barn on the night of the festival. I put an end to that courtship. Thankfully, I was able to get my father and your father to sign a contract. I would live here and work on the farm, my father gets one free pig every season, and, I don't have to entertain any suitors unless Monica also has a suitor. If she doesn't get married, then I don't get married."

Ross stands up and twists his face in frustration. "What! That's ridiculous. Do you know how hard it will be to find someone to marry Monica? She's impossible."

"I know. Pretty smart for a girl who wants to be able to pick the next man she is going to marry."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you said it yourself. Monica will be impossible to match up with a man. So, my father won't be able to marry me off to the next Thomas, William, or Edmund who promises him a cow. I'll be able to choose my own husband."

"What about Monica?"

"Well, if I find a man that I want to marry, then I will set Monica up."

"But you just said she is going to be impossible to match up."

"Are you kidding me. Have you seen what she looks like now? I'll find some idiot who thinks with the wrong head."

"Yeah, but Monica won't go along with that."

"Your father will if the dowry is good enough, and I think, deep down, Monica does want to get married. She is just too headstrong to admit it to your parents."

Ross nods. "You know, I think you might be right."

"It doesn't matter. Have you seen the men in this town? It is like what Monica always says."

As if on cue, Monica enters the room. "What do I always say."

"You know, about the men in this town."

"Oh yeah. There's small choice in rotten apples." Monica points at Chandler and Phoebe. "What are those two arguing about?"

"Chandler just found out his mom uses his most private secrets as inspiration for her plays."

"That sounds like fun. When is the next show?"

Chandler, finally breaking from his conversation with Phoebe shakes his head. "Oh no. The last thing I need is for you two to see these plays and share the details with every other woman in town."

Ross laughs. "Why do you care? You always said you would die a bachelor."

Chandler throws his hands up in defeat. "Fine. Fine. Everyone can come. But I am not telling anyone what parts are about me."

Phoebe walks over towards Monica and Rachel and laughs. "Don't worry ladies. I bet we can figure it out on our own."

Monica puts her hand to her mouth to hide her own laughter. "What did you say your name was again? Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Sure, but I don't eat meat."

The three women leave the room as Ross turns to Chandler. Chandler chuckles and shakes his head. "That went well. Look, I'll go get the other two bags."

Ross watches as Chandler leaves and then looks towards the kitchen. A wry smile starts to form on his lips. "So, in order to marry Rachel, I need to find a man for Monica." He begins to smugly rub his chin. "Challenge accepted Ms. Green. Challenge accepted."

A/N – So, this is going to be really weird and I have no idea if I will be able to pull it off. I am going to mostly mash up Friends canon, The Taming of the Shrew and Much Ado About Nothing. There may be some references to sonnets and other plays, like the nod to Twelfth Night I threw into this chapter.

I used Phoebe to explain why all the names will remain the same. I feel like if I refer to them as their Shakespearean characters, you might lose who is who. If anyone wants me to, I can leave sort of a cast list, saying which Friends character is which Shakespearean character at the end of the next chapter and then add anyone who is newly introduced in each subsequent chapter.

I am not going to get too hung up on how they talk and if they say things that don't actually work during the 1600s. I am more concerned on having the characters sound like themselves and I hope everyone forgives that. If anything, blame Phoebe. She is telling the story, so this is her narrative.

And as a disclaimer, I am by no means an expert in Shakespeare, and I am not sure if this will all be one-hundred percent historically accurate, but if you will forgive me the minor hiccup here and there, maybe, despite any glaring errors this will turn out to be fun. I did throw in a nod to the theory that Shakespeare's plays were actually written by other people. I may do more of that as well.

If you don't like Shakespeare or don't get the references, I hope you will still find some enjoyment out of this story. I will try to update at least once a week. As always, thank you for taking the time to read and thank you to anyone who is kind enough to leave a review.