Unwanted
Summary: Post Episode S4E3- There were a lot of things Anna hadn't wanted: Mr. Green's attack, her husband to be hanged, or the new life that possibly grew in her. An alternate look at the Anna/attack storyline.
Chapter 1
There was a tightness in the air as Anna climbed her way up the staircase. Slowly, but steadily she stepped up each stair. It felt as though she was on a mountain climbing through the thick air at the top. Everything in her ached; her head pounded fiercely, while her bones felt so fragile that they would fall away to dust if touched. She was unconvinced she would make it to the top. Heaviness fell over her the higher and higher she climbed. Her breaths were becoming more jagged and raw with every few steps. From the corner of her eye, she saw John walk by. There was an immediate stiffness of her small, delicate frame. He glanced at her with deep concern. His lips parted, as if to say something, but they immediately closed knowing it would do no good. Grateful for no pleasantries needing to be said, Anna kept her mind to the task ahead of her. She didn't have the time nor strength to worry about anything else.
It had been close to two months since the horrible incident that had turned her world on its head. Every waking and sleeping moment was shadowed by that night. She could still hear his harsh voice, feel his rough hands on her skin, and smell the blood that had felt like days to wash off her body. A lump formed in her throat as she tried to just shift her focus back to the stairs. She was almost to the top, she could make it. Keeping her mind and body on the tasks she was given, were the only thing that kept her alive. The simple routine was something else she could focus on in the waking moments of her life.
Another sigh passed her lips, she felt so weak. It felt as though her life would always be like this. While she had thought time would heal some wounds, she was no longer convinced. Her nights were sleepless. Any sleep her body allowed was always disturbed by the nightmares of that night, by the nightmares of him returning, and by the nightmares of her husband dangling on a string. Her entire soul missed her husband. She hadn't known she could be so close to him and yet so far away. She knew she was breaking his heart, but what else could she do? She had to keep her distance to protect his life. If he knew what had happened, he would kill Green. There was no doubt in her mind. Killing Green would get him hung, and then she would have lost the last thing in this world that kept her very being alive.
A cloud of despair engulfed her. It was a deep fog that she couldn't figure out how to escape. She had thought if she just kept going on, that everything would get easier. It didn't. In fact, it got darker and darker each day. Everyone around her could see it, she wasn't fooling a soul in the house. They all noticed the way her cheeks sunk into her pale cheeks, how when she smiled it was a fake one which wouldn't reach her eyes, and especially how she kept her distance from her beloved husband. Lady Mary had questioned her, of course. However, she never prodded when Anna said it was nothing. John still watched her with those heartbroken, questioning eyes. And poor Mrs. Hughes begged her daily to tell them both. Anna knew that she couldn't. Her shame was hers to bare; her husband's life was hers to keep safe.
Her entire frame lightly shook when she finally entered Lady Mary's empty bedroom. As she walked into the room, her mind clouded and she couldn't remember why she had come. She began to try to recall what she had been asked to do. Had she needed to grab something for Lady Mary or had she forgotten to bring something up? She took a few more steps into the room glancing around to see if she could remember. Her head was pounding so hard that she could hear it in her ears. Breathing deeply, she took a few more steps forward and leaned her hand against the rail of Lady Mary's bed. She needed a moment. Just a moment.
Anna had thought that taking a moment to breathe would make her feel better, but instead her body began to uncontrollably shake from weakness. Attempting to swallow the lump in her throat down, her eyes began to lose focus. A small short gasp left her lips, before she lost complete consciousness.
Mary let out a frustrated sigh.
"Where is Anna?" She questioned aloud to her parents and sister rhetorically.
"Seriously, Mary, perhaps you should find someone new," Edith expressed for the third or fourth time. Mary's rolled her eyes and ignored her sister. Last thing she wanted was her advice.
"Is everything okay with Anna?"
Mary looked up at her Mama and sighed again, "I don't know." She answered honestly and stood up. Not saying another word, she headed toward her bedroom. Surely, Anna was just having trouble finding the broach she had wanted. While she was annoyed with her Lady Maid's disappearance, she was more worried. It was no secret that there was something wrong with Anna. She had not been herself in months. It was quite concerning and not like Anna at all. Whenever Mary questioned her, Anna just insisted she was fine. But she was not fine. Her frame has shrunk into a shell of the woman she had been; her manner was unlike she had ever been before. She was…well, she was skittish. That was the best word she could think of to call her. She was still kind, hard worker, but not the same. It was heartbreaking really. Her main confidant was no longer.
Entering her bedroom, her thoughts paused and heart began to race.
"Anna!" She nearly screamed, rushing down to her Lady's Maid that was passed out on the floor. "Anna!" She stayed still, but she was breathing. That gave Mary some relief. Pulling herself back up, she walked back to the door. She scanned the hallway, trying to find someone who could help. Immediately, she saw Thomas walking by.
"Call the doctor and get Mrs. Hughes up here," She demanded. Without question, Thomas did as he was told. Right before she turned back to Anna, she noticed her mama's new Lady's Maid down the hall.
"Um…um.." She struggled remembering her name. "Baxter!" She chipped, as it hit her, "Please come here right away." Baxter walked into Mary's room and gasped when she saw Anna on the floor.
"Oh…"
"Help me pick her up and put her in the bed," Mary directed. Baxter acquiesced. The two of them struggled, but were able to move her into the mattress.
"Oh my, Anna…" Mrs. Hughes voice pierced, as she set eyes on the scene in front of her. Mary's eyes darted over to her with a questioning glance. "He's on the phone with him now," she answered.
"Thank god."
She was drowning. The water was weighing down on her frame and she was sure she was going to die. "Mrs. Bates," his voice rang in her ear. Her body flung trying to get away from him, but she didn't know where he was. The water engulfed her and it felt as though a million of his hands were pulling at her skin, trying to take it as his again. "You are mine," he promised. "I will always own you." He was right in front of her. She couldn't breathe. "I will always own you," he repeated.
Anna's eyes darted open.
"What..where," she questioned, attempting to sit up. A hand landed on her shoulder and she nearly leapt out of her skin.
"You need to lay down," Lady Mary's voice rang in the air. It was then that Anna realized she was laying in Lady Mary's bed. Her face turned to panic and she shook her head.
"No, no…this isn't right. I shouldn't…"
"Anna, I will have none of that," Lady Mary's stubborn voice stated, "Lay down."
Anna did as she was told, but felt like a fool. How could she have allowed this to happen and now she was in Lady Mary's bed. Her aching, tired body made her forget all of those thoughts quickly, however. She felt so incredibly weak.
"The doctor is almost here," Mrs. Hughes mentioned, entering the room with some fresh towels on her arms.
Terror filled Anna's eyes. "No, no doctor," she begged. "I can't…I won't." Anna started to attempt to climb out of the bed, her eyes wild. All of the restraint she had kept for the past two months completely escaped from her body. She was too fragile, too weak to keep that facade up anymore. "He can't…he'll know. I can't do this," she cried. "I can't."
Lady Mary's eyes locked with Anna. It was as if something clicked right there and then. Everything finally made sense and she wanted to kick herself for not figuring it out before.
"Anna?" She questioned carefully, "Did someone…hurt you?" Shame and self-loathing covered Anna as she wrapped her arms tightly around her frame to protect herself from the truth. A small nod was given and then she sunk deeper into the bed. Before anymore could be said, Dr. Clarkson entered the room.
"Will you give us a moment, please Dr. Clarkson?" Mrs. Hughes asked. He did a quick nod and stepped into the hallway, closing the door behind him.
"Anna," Mrs. Hughes' motherly voice said, as she sat down next to her. "It's okay, love. He doesn't have to know everything."
"No," Lady Mary agreed. "Not a thing, but he does have to look at you. A perfectly healthy person doesn't just pass out like that."
"But…"
"No buts. You will do as I say," Lady Mary stated inflexibly.
With a half frown, Anna murmured a yes m'lady. Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes walked out to let Dr. Clarkson in. At that moment, she regretted not asking one of them to stay with her. She felt so insecure and doubtful about herself. And the last thing she wanted to do was give anything that had happened to her away. It felt like her dirty little secret and she intended on keeping it that way, as much as she possibly could.
The appointment went by like a blur. Dr. Clarkson asked Anna several questions, to which she answered without any real thought. It didn't even seem to cross his mind that something bad had happened to her, which was a relief. Once she realized that, she drifted off into her mind allowing him to perform some basic routine checks and ask some basic questions. Her exhaustion kept her from caring too much about what was going on. She hoped he would soon finish and allow her to go back downstairs to her room. She did not feel right being in her Lady's room. It seemed wrong. It...
"Well," Dr. Clarkson's voice interrupted her thoughts, "You are definitely over exhausted, a bit dehydrated, and under nourished. You haven't been taking the best care of yourself."
Anna nodded to his admonishment. It was true. She hadn't. Or rather, couldn't. The dark cloud that engulfed her kept her from being able to do anything more than just barely survive.
A small smile crossed Dr. Clarkson's lips and he then added, "But I think a congratulations may be in order, Mrs. Bates."
"What?" She asked, biting her lip nervously. "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I can't know for sure yet. But based on the dates you gave me and some symptoms you have been having – like not being able to hold down your food- I would say you are expecting."
Anna's face dropped. The cloud tightened its hold over her and her breath tightened in her lungs. "Expecting?" She croaked.
"Yes," He smiled. "But you need a lot of rest. Time to get better. If you had gone on much longer, this could have been much worse. I will let Mrs. Hughes and Lady Mary know…"
"Don't tell them that I'm…"
"Of course, that is not mine to tell."
"And you can't know for sure?"
"Not yet. There are some new ways they have begun trying for now, but I tend to like to go the old fashioned route. Odds are that you are. However, stress and other factors can also interfere with your schedule. You should know in a month or so for sure."
Anna didn't know what to say or do. She was frozen in that moment again. His hands were on her. She couldn't breathe.
"All will be well," Dr. Clarkson promised with a quick nod. With that, he was gone.
Anna had little time to think about what the doctor had said, because Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes were back.
"You are to stay put for at least two days, per Dr. Clarkson," Mary informed her. "Then you can go back into your room and rest as long as needed."
Anna opened her mouth to protest on both accounts, but Lady Mary dismissed it before she could speak.
"No arguments."
"Lady Mary is right, Anna. You need your rest. Dr. Clarkson will be back to check in on you in two days to make sure you are okay to be moved."
"This is too much," Anna cried. She didn't know if she was referencing the time she needed to rest or, well, everything. Lady Mary looked at her sympathetically.
"I think you should tell Mr. Bates."
"I…I…no," she stated firmly. Lady Mary sighed quickly, but just patted Anna's hand.
"Well, we'll discuss this later. Get some rest."
"I'll go fetch you some food," Mrs. Hughes stated. "The doctor said you are to eat and sleep only."
"That seems a bit much," Anna protested.
"No arguments," Lady Mary repeated. Anna nodded her head in agreement and closed her eyes.
"We'll be back," they promised, before leaving Anna alone.
Slowly reopening her eyes, Anna turned on her side. The term expecting floated in her head, causing her uneasiness, as she fell into an unrestful sleep.
"Here you are, Anna," Mrs. Hughes said softly, placing a tray of food over Anna's frame. She had just awoken from her fitful nap and was upset when she remembered she was in Lady Mary's bedroom.
"I shouldn't be in here," Anna lamented. "I can make it down to my room."
Mrs. Hughes took a seat next to Anna and gently took her hand. "Anna, my dear. You are unwell. Dr. Clarkson is concerned about your physical health as well as your mental health."
"My mental…." Anna trailed off. Her eyes searched Mrs. Hughes for what he had been implying. "He didn't seem concerned to me."
"I don't think he knows," Mrs. Hughes comforted. "But you are not taking care of yourself, that much is as clear as crystal."
Anna's eyes adverted her glaze. She didn't know what she could say at the moment. Part of her wanted to tell Mrs. Hughes what else the doctor had said. However she didn't want Mrs. Hughes' thoughts and opinions on the whole thing. For now, it was her secret. And maybe, just maybe, the doctor was wrong. He had to be wrong.
Oh how long she and John had wished for a child of their own. A little one to care for, to love. But now. Her breath hitched into her throat. What would she do? That morning of the big party, she and John had been intimate in the most wonderful and loving way. It had been a special, sprung out of nowhere moment. It felt like a lifetime ago. That happiness torn away from her hours later by another man. There was no way to know who the child belonged to. If it were her husband's, this would be the worst time to be in the family way. And if it were Green's…her body began to shake and Anna began to dry heave.
"There, there," Mrs. Hughes consoled, removing the tray and pulling out a basin for Anna.
"I can't do this," Anna whispered to herself, her mind away from everything that surrounded her. What if the baby was born and it wore his face? How could she? Her stomach turned and bile rose in her throat before it released into the basin. Mrs. Hughes wiped her face and then helped her to lay back down.
"I want to die," Anna confessed, more to herself, but she said it out loud. Mrs. Hughes took in a sharp breath and opened her mouth to admonish the girl. But before she could, Anna grabbed her hands and begged, "Please, Mrs. Hughes. Please. Let me die. I want to die." Crumbling into tears, Anna let go of Mrs. Hughes and turned away. She left poor Mrs. Hughes completely lost and afraid for her sweet Anna.
To be continued...