Honesty
I originally wrote this as a one shot and was going to use it to add more one shots to. But after reading it again, the ideas adding to this are endless! This is not accurate to the series pattern so there will be quotes and references dotted around in the wrong order. I am re-living the romance during lockdown. Enjoy!
''Don't touch that. Or that. Or that. As a matter of fact, don't touch anything!'' The doctor rubbed his hand over his face. He regretted bringing possibly the most curious woman to one of the most naturally dangerous planets in the galaxy.
Clara turned to look at him. ''It is winter here, what normally happens in winter?'' He continued
Clara looked all around her. The entire place was full of thick, green foliage, tall trees and the darkest blue of skies, just peeking through the small gaps. They were encased in green. Green grass, well, it looked like grass. Green trees, green trunks, green bushes.
The doctor watched her as she thought the question over before it dawned on her. ''The leaves fall off the trees in winter.''
''Correct!'' He exclaimed. ''The atmosphere releases a week of acid rain which coats the leaves and preserves them. They don't fall until the leaf underneath has grown within their place. A totally green planet.''
Clara grinned; this was cool. ''What's the but?''
''But, if you touch the leaves, they spit acid at you, it is a protective measure. It stops animals from eating them. I analyzed the acid once, it is deadly. You would get some nasty burns along with other things if you touched them.''
''Noted'' Clara placed her hands within her pockets and wandered through the clear-cut pathway. The doctor followed close behind.
They had spent a lot more time together since their horrific Christmas dream crab experience. The doctor had explained that dream crabs take a present or long term thought from your memory and turn that into a dream. Danny's death had been Clara's long-term thought. Whilst Clara and the Doctor parting ways, had been his long-term thought. He had admitted his regret, and she had admitted hers. Something had shifted between them. But neither of them dared speak about it.
A small, normal looking rabbit hopped from behind the greenery and into their pathway. Clara stopped and bent down to admire the fluffy little creature.
''Now this, is super cute!'' Clara half giggled. ''It looks just like the bunnies on earth. How odd!''
''Clara, come away from it. It is not a rabbit.'' The doctor warned.
The little creature sniffed towards Clara before hopping closer to her. Clara raised her hand out of her pocket and held it out for the rabbit to sniff it.
''Clara'' The doctor's voice was hushed now. ''Come away!''
''Calm down Doctor. Not everything you show me is evil.'' Clara chided. But before she could take it back. The rabbit lunged at her hand and tore a chunk out of it with razor sharp teeth. It was a small chunk, but it was enough to make Clara jump up and grab her hand. ''Ouch!''
''Oh, Clara what have you done!'' The doctor shouted, darting round to face her and placing his sonic sunglasses over his eyes, scanning the bleeding wound. ''You never know what these vermin can give you.''
Clara's breathing began to slow and her response was slurred. Before the doctor had time to respond, she fell to the floor and lay unconscious. ''Clara, Clara''
XXXX
Her eyes fluttered open and adjusted to the dim light of the room. There, sat at the end of the bed was the doctor. Watching her with a dark gaze.
She looked around; she could tell she was in the tardis. The round decorations on the wall and design of the room made that clear. But what made it really clear was that the doctor didn't look uncomfortable.
''You must have thought I was dead for a while'' She spoke light heartedly, keen to break the silence.
''Yes'' He replied gravely
''How was that?'' Clara asked, no longer seeing the humor either.
''Longest month of my life.'' He replied.
''It could only have been 5 minutes.''
He looked at her and stood. ''I will be the judge of time''
A shiver ran down her spine. Something had definitely shifted. And not for the better. ''So, is that it. Am I better now?'' Clara said, about to get up.
''No, not even slightly.'' The doctor started.
''I feel fine though. Perhaps whatever that thing was, what it wanted to do, doesn't infect humans?''
''Oh Clara.'' The doctor sighed. ''They are an alien parasite, used in wars for interrogation. They scan your mind before showing themselves and form as something comforting, so that they do not look of any threat to you. Once they bite you, they release a slow acting venom within your system.''
''Interrogation?'' Clara asked, nerves forming in the pit of her stomach.
''Honesty!'' The doctor said, his hands waving up in the air. ''They make you totally honest, unable to lie about anything, or even think about avoiding the truth. Total hell, if you ask me.''
''Right, don't you have a pill, or an antidote or something?''
''No, because I am not an actual Doctor.'' He replied sarcastically.
''So, how long will this last then, the honesty.'' Clara asked
''Until you have told your most precious truths.'' He looked at her gravely. ''The venom becomes weaker and weaker the more honest you are, but it never fully leaves your system until you have totally opened your mind to honesty. It ensures those interrogating you do not miss anything.''
''Tactful if nothing else.'' Clara admitted.
''There is nothing funny about this'' The doctor looked annoyed, angry even. ''Trust me Clara, there are some things that should never be said, some truths have a need to stay hidden. But before this starts, before the venom takes effect. Tell me… is there anything you have lied to me about?''
Clara paused. There was a good bit, but most of it he knew about now. The dream crabs had pretty much opened her heart and mind to him. ''Not that I can think of.''
The doctor sighed. ''That's great.''
''What is''
''You're lying'' He replied.
Clara stared back at him, only when he spoke those words, did she realize that she had just lied to him. ''So, what now, will you just drop me off at home and pick me up once I am normal again?''
He scoffed. ''Okay. A. you have never been normal. B. How can I drop you off to live your normal life whilst you have an alien venom making you entirely honest to whoever you meet? You work in a school, I suspect you hate every one of those kids in there, don't for one second think that they won't know that by the end of their school day.''
Clara held a finger up in the air. ''I do not hate all of those kids… just a few. Do you really want me in the tardis for however many days, weeks, until this thing runs its course?''
''I have a duty of care'' He responded simply. ''I will have to deal with it.''
''And what about you, are you impacted by this?''
''Well, that depends on what you end up wanting to tell me. Put it this way, there will be no secrets by the end of it.''
''Other than yours'' Clara replied coldly.
They both remained quiet for a few seconds, but it may well have been hours. Her head was fuzzy and heavy. ''You should rest Clara, you will drift in and out of sleep for the next few hours, then you should wake up feeling as right as rain. Come and find me when you do.''
Before Clara could respond. The Doctor had fled the room.
XXXX
He paced the tardis console room, anxiety rippling through him as he knew she would soon be bounding up those stairs, blurting out her honest thoughts. He rubbed his face with his hand before leaning on the console. Maybe she had not hidden anything from him. They had just about managed normal from the dream crab drama. He had had to explain his regret, his hurt at her living her life without him. But she had had regrets too. Who was he kidding, he knew by her eyes that she had not told him everything.
Why is she so difficult to get out of my mind? Why does nobody else match up to her?
Honesty is good, pure and should be positive. But it isn't. Honesty can tear people apart, ruin lives and create loneliness. He was not ready to lose her again.
''There you are!'' Clara's voice chimed through the room, dragging him from his thoughts.
''Here I am''
''So'' She started ''Where are we off too?... May we go back to the underwater world, with those talking fish? I never really understood those.''
He remained quiet, she was babbling, running interference, she knew what she was trying to avoid.
''Or what about that planet with those spider looking things that deep clean your skin? I was never comfortable enough to enjoy those either.''
''Sorry'' He stopped her. ''The tardis is acting up. There is some form of force-field around her, stopping her from moving. I have been trying to fix it.''
''Oh'' Clara paused, and under the doctor's watchful eye, wandered over to a chair, and sat herself down. Whilst there, she pulled out her phone, and started to unlock it.
There, sat on the screen saver, was Danny. The man who had died saving the world. Converted into a cyberman before her very eyes, in-fact, she had done it. Clara stared at the screen for a moment, absorbing all of the feelings that came with that picture.
The doctor watched the beautiful young woman bend over her phone more and more, looking deeper into the screen until she was almost off of her chair. He should remain quiet; her honest thoughts processing may be enough to drain the venom from her system. But, a part of him wanted to know. No, needed to know. Nosey Parker. ''Clara?''
''Why is Danny on my screensaver?'' She asked casually.
''He is your boyfriend'' He murmured through gritted teeth. ''You lost him''
''Yes, I know all of that. But why is he on here?''
''I don't know, you tell me.'' The doctor answered. He was not expecting this to be the direction her honesty went in.
''I am guilty'' She replied, her tone sounded sad now.
''I'm sorry?''
''I am guilty because I lied to him. I was trying to make myself feel better about the mistake that I made.'' She paused. The doctor caught her gaze, tears brimming in her eyes. Deciding that this was not about him. He made the choice to go and sit with her, to hear yet another Danny story. Be a friend, doctor.
''I think we all lie to protect the ones we love sometimes.'' He tried to reason with her, feeling guilt himself.
''Oh, I know you do doctor.'' Clara looked directly at him, her eyes shining bright ''But this is different, I was not only lying to Danny. I was lying to myself.'' She began to cry. ''I tried to tell myself that I would get used to it, to the normal life. The normal boyfriend. That my heart would forget about the one man I could never have.''
There was one other man. But it would have never have worked out. For he was impossible.
The doctor did not speak, but just remembered her words during their dream crab dream. A truth, within a fake dream. The truth hides everywhere.
''Danny was loving, and kind and supportive. I loved him. I did not lie about that. But I didn't love him like I loved another. He didn't give me adventures, he didn't challenge me, or put himself in harm's way to save me. He wasn't protective, or defensive, he didn't keep me guessing. You see Doctor. I tried to give you up. I tried so hard. But I didn't go one day without expecting you back in my flat when I got home from work, waiting to show me something amazing. I was bored, I soon lost the want to thrive and live a normal life at all. But I was in too deep. I could not break Danny's heart. I loved him. But not like I loved you.''
Loved, not love… she was talking in past tense, what did that mean?
There it was. His eyes remained fixed on her, huddled over, tears streaming down her face as she confessed such a painful truth. He didn't move. But a little tiny doctor was stamping his foot and screaming the word idiot in his brain, for showing compassion to a friend. What on earth could he say to that?
''You are more than an addiction.'' Clara continued. ''You are my air, you make my heart beat faster, my brain smarter and my eyes wider. You give me something that nobody else on this planet can give. And I hurt you, I tried to follow my reason, I betrayed you, our friendship, your trust. I let you down. You see, I told you to go home to Gallifrey, I lied about Danny because I wanted to make up for the time of yours that I had wasted.'' She let out a sob as pain wracked through her.
''I wante—''
''Clara'' The doctor interrupted her. ''I want you to take one thing from this conversation, if nothing else. … I did not waste a single second of my life whilst with you.''
Clara smiled. He was being honest. Trying to make her feel better. ''I wanted to make up for it. But I spent every day hoping you would come back. Living with the guilt that Danny was dead because I couldn't let him leave my life whilst he was safe. And then I got thinking, stupidly so… All of those little things you said to me.''
Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?
I have a duty of care.
I should have come back sooner. I wish that I had.
When do I not see you?
He listened to her speak, but he recalled all of the words in the exact time that they happened. He remembered her expression for every single time he had shown her any affection or care. They were his memories. How often he clung to those each night.
''Then there was you playing pretty woman on that guitar. Saving me countless times, thank you by the way. Hearing you without hope when you thought the darleks had killed me. Admitting that you cannot get me out of your mind whilst trying to prevent a war. Doctor I knew that you flirted with me in your previous form. I did the same. But when you changed, the idea of losing you, your loyalty, your strange ways and comfort. It was too much to bear for the sake of not understanding a new face.'' She wiped her tears away. ''I know you probably love me, in your own weird way. I know you're scared to be alone, and that the thought of losing me again wracks terror through your bones. But know this, if, or whenever I go, I will not be doing it with the choice of staying as the other option. I need you, just as much as you need me.''
He pulled a face. This was awkward, uncomfortable even. God he was glad she would likely forget she said all of this. He could tell the venom was beginning to die off. Her breathing was rapid and her emotions seemed rattled. ''I think the dream crab state was right. I do think I would have spent 62 years alone, travelling and trying to find happiness. But not because nobody matched up to Danny. Danny never really matched up to you. He just filled a different space. I have tried filling my heart with things, and people that I don't need. But I have since learnt to live with an empty heart, but with a best friend. Rather than nothing at all.'' Clara clasped her hand on the side of his face. Affection pouring through her silk like skin. He had not even noticed how he too was leaning over his knees, listening to her intently.
He wanted to remain silent. Willed it even. But there was one thing he had to know. Needed to know. ''Why didn't you act on your feelings if it was me, you wanted all along?''
''I was too scared about losing a friend. I don't know how time lords love, or feel things. You have history, way more than me. I never really knew how interested you were, or whether you were simply attached to me as a friend. It seemed impossible, in-fact, I still think it is. It would never have worked. But you should know, that I fully accept, you are the only man for me. And if companionship is all you can offer. Then I shall take that, and be happy with it.'' She smiled, and he could tell, she was happy with that, but it didn't soften the pang of sadness that he felt.
''Anything else?'' He asked jokingly. She had said a lot.
''Yes'' Clara replied. Taking a deep breath as if this one was going to be the worst. ''Do you remember the time with that mummy thing on the orient express? Well, afterwards, I was talking to Danny on the phone. I said the words I Love You.''
''I remember'' He replied.
''Yes, well, I wasn't saying them to him.'' Clara admitted. The doctor looked up at her, to see her shrug her shoulders. ''It avoided any questions, but I know that hearing those words hurt you. I saw it on your face. But those words were for you. A confession, that you were too hard to let go.''
He was speechless. Perhaps he had misread things over the years. But she was right, it would probably never work between them… probably. All he knew is that he couldn't bear the idea of letting her go. He knew that he loved her. He just didn't know how much. ''So, trying to bully me into finding Danny was what exactly?''
''Guilt.'' She replied simply. ''He died because I refused to let him go the minute, I realized he was not going to make me happy. I tried so hard to want normal. If he had not of been in my life. He would still be alive.''
He couldn't argue with that. Danny was a target whilst with Clara, who was with the Doctor. He nodded his head. Understanding things better now. Aside from the 90% of awkward honesty and leaking eyes, it had gone pretty well. ''So, what now?''
''Nothing'' Clara replied. ''We just fly away. Finding adventures, getting into trouble, looking after each other. I don't want to ruin what we have for the sake of some feelings doctor. Besides, you're married.''
Christ. Yes. He was. He smiled kindly at her. He could see the pain in her eyes, the weight she was carrying. He couldn't deny that he was happy, to know for certain that she loved him. Yet he felt a strong unease at her acceptance it would never go any further.
Clara leaned forward, so that her face was next to his. They stared into each other's eyes. ''Just one last thing.'' And then, Clara closed the gap between them, and placed the lightest of kisses to his lips. Lingering there for a second before pulling back and wrapping her arms around him. He was frozen, and didn't move. But she climbed into a comfortable position and clung to him, crying into his velvet coat.
''I love you Doctor. More than anything you could possibly know.''
Silence. The words stuck in his throat. Almost too afraid to admit it in case something terrible happened. She deserved it. Venom or not. She had exposed truths so painful that it shattered her, drained her energy and spirit to reveal the tired and sad woman behind it.
''I love you too'' He whispered.
It had to be done. Please leave a review if you think this should be continued or not. It's an older canon, I am not sure how popular it is now. Thanks for reading.