Angels and Demons. Embodiments of all of Man's virtues and sins. Locked in an eternal conflict for dominion over the mortal world. Light vs Dark. Good vs Evil. We've all heard it before. But what a lot of people don't know is that this ancient conflict has devolved into little more than slapboxing, hair-pulling, and nipple-twisting. Sure, you'd get some real hot ones in some parts of the world but nothing like the shit before Napoleon strutted his midget ass out of Corsica. And in Putang City, a shiny metropolis on the American East Coast with all it's lights, splendor, and STDs, it was no different.
Among the skyscrapers and buildings of various quality and capacity lay a church. It was humble in size and is said to be as old as the city itself. Inside this church slept a man and as the sun rose on the horizon, an alarm clock next to the man's heart-shaped bed went off with a loud and obnoxious beeping. He groaned and rolled over in bed, slapping the snooze button on the alarm clock.
"6am comes too fuckin' quickly…" He grumbled and sat up, stretching his arms as he yawned then tossed the bedsheets aside and hopped off the bed to do some more stretches before starting the day and made his way to the restroom.
A washed body, cleaned teeth, combed hair, and most importantly, a well-groomed beard made so with only the finest of hair gel. These things are of utmost importance for men like him. Men who are made for the social life and bedding all the women they could get with their charms. With that done, he strapped on his outfit of the day. A simple white shirt under a button-up vest and dark-blue trench coat with matching pants, black dress shoes, and a dark green flat cap, after which he was named. Because that's how names work. He then took a long look in the mirror, admiring the figure in the reflection. 'Man, I could tongue kiss myself.' He thought. Making his way to the church's kitchen for some breakfast, Flat Cap noticed a certain lump of fuzz resting on the table. Mesh, the little bear-dog pet…thing. None of the chairs were pulled so it was curious how he got up there, but it didn't matter to him. He then began prepping some toast, eggs, bacon, and coffee. As the bacon and eggs sizzled, he heard a thud behind him.
"Ow." A deep voice said.
Flat Cap turned and it was none other than his fellow angel, housemate, and partner: Loincloth, who forgot to duck when he entered through the kitchen door. One of the downsides of being a musclebound giant.
"Mornin' tae ye, Loins. Care for some coffee to help wake ye up?" Flat Cap asked, turning back to the bacon and eggs.
"You know I don't like coffee." Loincloth answered.
"Just figured I'd ask."
The toaster then dinged and out came the toast. Perfect timing, too. The bacon and eggs were just about done. Flat Cap got his breakfast together on a platter and sat at the table across from Loincloth, who had taken one of the leftover meat haunches out of the fridge and just chomping down on it like an animal. As the angels ate, Loincloth glanced at the digital clock on the oven.
"Huh, that's unusual." Loincloth said.
"Wot is?" Flat Cap asked, taking a bite of a bacon strip.
"It's 6:33 and Helmet hasn't barged in to greet us with a bible verse yet."
"Maybe he forgot to set his alarm last night."
"You really think that nutcase needs an alarm to wake him up? He could get only 2 hours of sleep a night and still have enough energy to preach and whack people over the head with his stick. I don't care what anyone else says. The man isn't human."
"He certainly is a dynamo, that's fer sure."
"Meeeesh."
Both Flat Cap and Loincloth then looked to see Mesh wide awake and staring at Loincloth's meat haunch.
"Get your own." Loincloth said, raising the haunch out of Mesh's reach.
Mesh responded to this by growling, then bit hard on Loincloth's arm.
"...You know damn well that doesn't hurt me." He said, unimpressed by Mesh's bite.
Suddenly, there was rumbling outside the church. It sounded like a thunderstorm, but before they all realized it, a flash of light and a loud boom popped into the room. Flat Cap covered his eyes to avoid being blinded and when it was over, he removed his hand and saw a charred Loincloth and Mesh. Both were still alive of course, with Mesh's jaw still clenched tightly onto Loincloth's thick, meaty arm.
"...But that does." Loincloth then began to gag and threw up a piece of cloth onto the table.
"Oh, that's just bloody disgustin', lad."
And if that wasn't enough, they were then greeted by the sound of a door being slammed open and an all too familiar voice. One that radiated with a sense of righteousness coupled with hints of madness.
"I HEARD THE LORD'S THUNDEROUS CALL FROM ABOVE AND HAVE COME TO ANSWER AND CARRY OUT HIS DIVINE WILL!"
"And a fine mornin' tae ye too, 'Elmet." Flat Cap greeted as he finished his coffee. "There's still some egg and bacon left over fer ya."
"I thank thee for the offer, but I must refuse. For I am fasting this week."
"You're always fasting. It amazes me that you still have meat on your bones." Loincloth commented as he tore off a piece of burned meat from the haunch and fed it to Mesh, who happily devoured it.
"The Lord provides me with all the sustenance my body requires, Ser Loincloth. You both should try it. It will help purify your mind and soul in your quest for redemption in the eyes of The Lord. Speaking of which…"
Helmet then picked up the cloth and held it up for the angels to see the writing on it which read 'Pole'.
"Pole? Seriously?" Loincloth groaned, "Out of all the clues we've gotten, this has to be the most unhelpful."
"'Ave ya learned nothin' durin' our time here, Loins?" Flat Cap asked, "It's clearly talkin' about pole dancin', which means strip clubs, which means headin' out tae see some lasses shake their asses and hopefully bring one back for a night of non-stop poundin'."
"Of course your aphrodisiac-addicted brain would immediately guess that. Besides, these clues aren't always literal. Sometimes they're more metaphorical."
"So it's talkin' about long cocks, then?"
"Can you ever think of something besides sex and gentials?"
"Yeah, when me balls are empty."
Helmet cleared his throat.
"Regardless of the Lord's meaning behind this chosen clue, it is a clue and one thou must use to deliver His justice upon the foul spirit that has crawled from the pits of Hell." Helmet then struck a pose, "Now go forth, Sers Flat Cap and Loincloth! Go forth and banish this evil from the mortal plane!"
"Sure thing, lad. But first, I gotta clean up and get ready fer work." Flat Cap said, standing up from the table and taking his plate and mug to wash them.
"And I gotta pick up some leather and fabrics from downtown." Loincloth added, "Got a few guys who want some pants made and they're offering good money." He then gave the now meatless bone to Mesh for him to chew on and proceeded out of the kitchen.
"But there is an evil spirit on the loose!" Helmet protested, "A servant of Satan! A corruptor of innocent souls! A-"
"A dreaded creature of unfathomable 'orror and malice. We get it, lad. Ghost bad. But ghosts 'ave been gettin' weaker and weaker fer years now. They couldn't cause any real trouble if they wanted to and all it takes now is one good hit and poof, no more ghost." After drying his hands, Flat Cap approached Helmet and placed them on his shoulders. "We 'ave all the time in the world to find the bastard, so there's no need tae rush. Besides, if we didn't have our jobs, this place would still be a dump."
"I suppose that is true. But nonetheless, I expect thou to begin your search once your daily employment duties are completed."
"Of course, lad. We'll be all over that ghost loik stink on hot shite." With that, Flat Cap took his hands off of the oddball crusader and made his way outside. "Enjoy your day, 'Elmet."
"May the Lord bless your's with joy as well, Ser Flat Cap!"
For some, bartending is a wonderful job to have. One gets to meet all kinds of interesting people, hear their stories, and maybe even make friends with them. It can be exhausting at times during busy days, but for Flat Cap, that's nothing a little cocaine can't fix.
"Hey, Cap!" He heard his manager shout, "It's 5:00, Stiletto can take over from here!"
'Already? Time sure does fly.' He thought. Flat Cap made his way to the break room in the back, passing the blonde bombshell lady that was Stiletto, catching a quick glance of her booty, and clocked out for the night. He needed to get a taste of her one of these days, but she had weird hours so he didn't get to see her a lot.
He then stepped outside the bar for a smoke and thought about how to spend his evening.
'I should start looking for that ghost, but I really just don't want to.' Flat Cap thought to himself. 'Hardly worth the effort these days, especially with how rare they've gotten. Used to be about 3 a month and worth around 2-3 Heaven coins. Now we'd be lucky to get a ghost within 3 months that was worth a full coin. Some people in Heaven thought it was a sign of Judgement Day approaching, but I don't buy it.'
Taking one last puff from the cigar, He tossed it to the ground and stamped it out. "Welp, might as well get started." He said to himself and got into the gorgeous white pickup truck he and the others affectionately called Tighty Whitey. Placing the key in the ignition and starting her up, Flat Cap began considering where to look first.
The note did say Pole, but that could mean numerous things. Telephone pole, magnetic pole, a fishing pole even. God forbid it'd be metaphorical like Loincloth assumes.
'Why couldn't they have made us a ghost tracker or some other Ghostbusters shite to make this job easier? Or is our lack of that part of the punishment? If it is, then fuck those cunts.'
As Flat Cap drove along the inner city streets with the sun slowly setting over the horizon behind him, he caught a glance of a building he's been to more times than he can count. The best strip club in the whole city. The Leak. A crap name for a strip club in his opinion, but the women were some of the finest he had seen since getting booted to the mortal world. After passing a couple blocks, Flat Cap let out a sigh.
"Fuck it." He said, driving onto the furthest left lane and made a u-turn as soon as he could. If he was gonna spend all night looking for a ghost, he was gonna at least enjoy himself while he did it. Parking in the nearest spot he could find, he stepped out and greeted the bouncer ashe went inside.
As usual, The Leak was packed with patrons and dancers. Drinks were served, music was blasting, and breasts were bouncing. Before Flat Cap could conduct his search, he needed a drink of his own. He approached the bar and sat on a stool where he was then greeted by the twinkish barkeep who he had the pleasure of knowing both in and outside of The Leak.
"And what can I get for you this evening?" He asked in a sensual tone.
"Just a shot of whiskey, lad." Flat Cap answered. "I'm on business tonight."
"Coming right up...daddy~."
God, he hate being called that. If he could go back in time, he'd find the person who started using the word in that manner and sock them in the mouth. As he waited for his drink, Flat Cap looked around at the girls who were dancing and serving drinks. They were all just gorgeous. Not a single flaw on any of them and their tits were all natural. He would know, because he shagged most of them at least once. He could only wonder where they find all these girls in a city like Putang. Half of the women in this city were 6's at best. The other half looked like bulldogs.
"Here you are." The barkeep said as he placed the glass next to me, "And if you don't mind me asking, what sort of business are you on tonight?"
"Angel business."
"Ah, looking for some naughty souls to punish? Well, you'll certainly find plenty of them here. Myself included."
"It's just one I'm lookin' fer and I ain't even sure it's 'ere. Lead I got was very vague and this was the only place I could think of where it would 'ide. Seems too obvious, now that I think about it."
"Sometimes the most obvious answer is indeed the correct one. I let you know if I see anything spooky."
"Much appreciated, lad." He raised the shot glass before downing the whiskey.
"If you're not in a rush to find the spook, I could give some...proper service when I go on break. How does that sound?"
"Ya know wot? That sounds good to me."
"Marvelous. See you in two hours...daddy~."
Aaaaaand there goes his boner. With that decided, Flat Cap began his search. Carefully analyzing the girls and their assets for anything that could be considered ghost-like, enhancing his already acute senses with some special pills he purchased from one of the patrons so he could react even quicker when the ghost shows itself, and eventually taste-testing the various alcoholic beverages to ensure there wasn't any corrupting ghostly residue.
He eventually got a text from the barkeep and went to the restroom to receive proper service. He was very eager to provide and Flat Cap was more than happy to help him hone his skills. Shame his break only lasted a few minutes, though. While he left satisfied for the night, Flat Cap was still yearning for another release. Maybe he'll have one of the girls tonight. But which one?
He examined each of the girls, considering his options. There was the brunette who he had taken to my bed many times, but she was starting to get a bit too loose for his taste. Next was the girl currently dancing on the pole. She was thicker than the other girls, which made for a nice clapping sound against her cheeks, but if he recalled correctly, she moans like a dying cat. Then there was the Indian girl serving-
"Hey there, hotstuff? You wouldn't happen to be The Scottish Ram I've heard so much about, would ya?"
In his narrow focus, Flat Cap hadn't noticed the red haired girl approaching him. She wore the serving girls' uniform and didn't look a day over 25.
"As a matter of fact, I am." He confirmed, "I take it you're new here?"
"I just started last week. The girls tell me you have a nasty habit of taking one of them home for the night a couple times a week. Is that true?"
"I am indeed cursed with a libido to rival the Greek god Zeus and I imagine they also told ye that I always leave them satisfied."
She giggled. "How about I give you a private show then? If you find me acceptable, we can head to my place later and you can give me a sample of your god-like libido."
"I would loik that very much, lass."
Taking his hand, the redhead led Flat Cap into one of the back rooms and gestured to him to sit. The chair was nice and comfy and once he was relaxed, the redhead began dancing, slowly stripping off each piece of clothing. During which, Flat Cap remembered that there was something he was supposed to be looking for, but he just couldn't remember exactly what it was. Must've not been important. When she finally got to her bra, revealing her D-cup breasts, she sat on his lap.
"How do you like me so far?" She asked, bringing her face mere inches from the angel's.
"Ya move with the grace of an angel."
She giggled. "If you like that, you'll love this next part. Close your eyes and don't open them until I say. Got it?"
Flat Cap smirked and obliged her request, closing his eyes and could feel her weight lifting off his lap. In Flat Cap's mind, she was no doubt gonna show him her babymaker. Not something the girls do often while one the job, but it does happen. At least when they're with him. The seconds that passed felt like minutes as he waited for her to give him the go ahead.
But that never came. Instead, Flat Cap began to feel something wrap around his arms and legs. He quickly opened my eyes and the cute redhead was replaced by the ugly and vicious visage of a ghost whose long jet black tentacles bound my hands and legs before he could react.
"I told you not to open your eyes." It hissed, "Now it's just going to be more painful for you."
'Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck' was all Flat Cap could think as he struggled to reach his hat, but the ghost was having none of it and tighten it's grip on his arms. Thinking fast, he bit down on the tentacle holding his right arm causing the ghost to screech and let go, giving him only seconds to grab his hat. Thankfully, Flat Cap was quick enough to do so and as it transformed into his weapon of choice, an angelic thompson machine gun, he unloaded into the bitch.
Unfortunately, it was also a quick bitch and he only managed to graze it as it let go of his limbs and ran off. But there was no way it was getting away from him that easily. No one leads Flat Cap on like that and gets away with it.
What followed next was pure chaos. The ghost's sudden appearance and ear-piercing shriek caused the patrons and employees to flee the building in terror, which made it difficult for Flat Cap to get a bead on the thing. He managed to get on top of the bar counter where he had a better visual and proceeded to spray and pray. The ghost dodged and weaved the bullets as it floated around, the only things they hit were pictures on the walls, ceiling fans, curtains, and other furniture and decorations.
By the time the last few people fled, the club was left a wreck and the ghost and the angel were staring each other down at opposite sides of the club. He had a clear shot at it too. Just one good hit was all that he needed.
"You know it's not very gentlemanly to bite a woman like that." The ghost hissed.
"It also ain't very ladyloik to kill a man while he's enjoyin' tits loik that." Flat Cap retorted, "Then again, ye are a ghost so ye aren't really a lady to begin with."
He would immediately regret those words as he felt the full force of a chair being thrown at his head and knocking him off the counter. He really needed to watch those tentacles. He then realized he had lost my gun and hurried to grab it, but the ghost grabbed hold of his leg before he could reach it and he was left helpless as she proceeded to toss him around and slam him into everything that wasn't already busted. When she was finished, she grabbed the rest of his limbs and held him up in front of her.
"Now, let's try this again." The ghost began as she slowly unhinged her jaw like a snake and somehow still spoke, "You are going to close your eyes and enjoy the warm sensation as I devour you and consume your soul. After that, I'm going to find the other angel and consume him as well. And with the power I will possess, I shall assume dominion over this PATHETIC MORTAL CITY!"
'So this is it,' Flat Cap thought, 'I'm fucked. Can't say this was the way I wanted to die again, but I could think of worse. Boiled alive, cut into pieces, electrocuted through my balls, and a menagerie of other things.' As he braced to be swallowed whole, he heard a shout, though it was more akin to a bellowing roar, followed by the sight of a large fist impacting the ghost's face, releasing Flat Cap and sending the ghost flying through the wall. Flat Cap fell to the floor and looked to his left and standing above him was Loincloth, his expression the same stonelike, resting bitch face as this morning.
"Had a feeling I'd find you here." He said, handing Flat Cap his namesake.
"Could've come by sooner, ya know." Flat Cap responded, taking the hat and standing up on his feet. They both then looked back at the ghost, who had just climbed out the hole.
"How dare you ravage my face?!" It shrieked, "Who do you think you are?!"
A smirk formed on Flat Cap's lips. "Loins, I think it's high time we introduced yourselves in the proper angelic fashion. Don't ya agree?"
"I'd rather just kill it, but whatever floats your boat." Loincloth answered, "Doesn't matter now that I'm here."
Two bright halos then appeared above the angels' heads which they quickly directed downwards, changing their clothing completely before ascending back to the top of their heads. Instead of the slick, dark blue coat and pants, Flat Cap's attire was of a Scottish fashion. The colors were a pure white with dark blue accents with his hairy chest, arms, and legs made bare and plain for all to see and the belt buckle holding up his kilt was encrusted with a large star. Like Flat Cap's attire, Loincloth's was white in color but with violet accents and instead of the ragged pants, boots, and gloves pieced together with rugged leather and adorned with small bones and pieces of metals, it was all masterly crafted plate armor with a fine silk sarong hanging from his waist. His tattooed upper body remained bare. Two ethereal wings soon then appeared behind their backs, though Loincloth's were far less noticeable due to his sheer size.
As if this wasn't enough, lights danced around the angels as music played, despite the speakers and amps in the club being completely destroyed, and they began flexing and performing sensual dances on and around the two stripper poles at the center of the club. Everything about this scene seemed to ooze masculinity that was both sexual and awe-inspiring, which left the ghost quite flustered. As the angels performed, they spoke in unison with their voices echoing throughout the building.
"Oh pitiful shadow lost in the darkness
Oh evil spirit born of those drifting between Heaven and Earth
May the thunderous power of the garments of these holy valiant guardians strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger
Shattering your loathsome impurity and returning you from whence you came!
Repent Motherfucker!"
By the end of this declaration, the angels had removed their namesakes which transformed into their signature weapons: Flat Cap's machine gun and Loincloth's battleaxe.
"So….hot!" The ghost muttered, frozen in place by the beauty and grace the angels displayed before they leapt in the air with Flat Cap firing multiple rounds into the ghost's chest and Loincloth finishing it off a powerful downward swing of his axe.
"So hot so hot so hot so hoooooooot!" The ghost shouted as it exploded into clumps of black goo.
As Loincloth wiped the goo off his face, Flat Cap walked to Loincloth's side and looked down to see his prize. A heaven coin and a full one at that. With a pleased smile, he picked it up.
"Couldn't cause any real trouble if they wanted to, huh?" Loincloth asked with an annoyed look.
"Bitch just caught me by surprise, that's all." Flat Cap replied.
"So you got careless. Again. Maybe you should give me that coin for saving your ass. Again."
"I found the ghost so I get the coin."
"And I dealt the killing blow after saving your ass!" Loincloth shouted, taking a step forward, "If anything deserves it, it's me."
"Okay, 'ow about this? I'll give ye the coin, if ye say 'You were right, Flat Cap. I should listen tae ye more often.'"
"Allow me to present a counteroffer: Give me the coin and as you do so, say 'Thank you Loincloth for saving me from getting vored.'"
There was a long silence between them after that. In Flat Cap's mind, there was no way he was giving that meathead the coin. He was the one who nearly died fighting that ghost. The greedy fuck has far more coins than he did. He could stand to not get one this time. But he knew Loincloth wouldn't just let him walk away with it. Placing the coin in his pocket, Flat Cap tossed his gun aside. Loincloth knew right then and there what it meant.
"Flat Cap, don't. You know damn well what happened last time when you fought me."
"I ain't givin' it up, Loins. I earned it. So if ya want it, yer gonna 'ave tae take it from me." Flat Cap raised his fists into position, ready to sock the mophead right in the mouth.
Loincloth sighed and tossed his axe aside then cracked his knuckles. "I'm not gonna hold back. You know that, right?"
"Just make yer fuckin' move already, ya cunt!"
"If you insist." Loincloth then got into stance and the two angels spent the next minute staring each other down. Flat Cap had sparred with Loincloth on numerous occasions and only twice did they actually fight. He admittedly had lost both of those, but he learned from them. Loincloth had muscle, he had speed. He just needed to use that to his advantage and deliver continuous jabs to his mug until he gives. 'Shouldn't be too hard.' He thought.
The fight was quick. Very quick. Didn't even last 5 minutes. Flat Cap had underestimated Loincloth's reflexes once again and before he knew it, he had him in an ankle lock. Struggle as he may, Flat Cap just couldn't get out and he applied more and more pressure every time he resisted. At this rate, Loincloth was going to crush his ankle.
"Now say it!" Loincloth demanded.
"FUCK YOU!" Flat Cap gritted his teeth in pain as the giant applied even more pressure.
"Why do you have to be damn stubborn?!"
"WHY DO YA HAVE TO BE SUCH A SMALL-DICKED, PISS-SLURPIN' PRICK?!"
"You've seen my penis, Flat Cap! It has more meat than your whole forearm! NOW SAY IT SO I CAN HEAD HOME AND ENJOY WHAT'S LEFT OF MY EVENING!"
"GaAAAAAAAAAAAH OKAYOKAYOKAY FINE!"
Flat Cap felt Loincloth's grip loosen. Sweet relief at last.
"Well?"
"...Thank ye Loincloth fer savin' me from gettin' vored."
"And?"
"The fuck ya mean 'and?'"
"'And I promise not to eat the food on your side of the fridge again.'"
"Yer still fuckin' pissy about that?! There were just ribs! And I said I was sorry!"
Loincloth then tightened his grip once more and Flat Cap felt the pain in his ankle come flooding back in, slamming his fist on the floor.
"GrRRRRR! ANDIPROMISENOTTAEEATTHEFOODONYERSIDEOFTHEFRIDGEAGAIN!"
With that, Loincloth finally let go and Flat Cap rolled over onto his back.
"Fuck, mate...Yer a goddamn animal."
He then sat up and saw Loincloth extend a hand towards him. He grabbed it and waited for Loincloth to pull him up.
"The coin, Flat Cap." Loincloth said. Flat Cap blinked at this before he begrudgingly took the heaven coin out of his pocket and dropped it in the giant's hand.
"So this is what? The 5th time I've saved you since coming here?"
"...6th." Flat Cap answered, picking himself up.
"6th?"
"St. Patrick's Day. Red Sham Bar. Ghost was drinkin' all the alcohol and sprayin' it back at people, gettin' them drunk along with causing some liver failures."
"Oh yeah. I remember now. You said a lot of mean things."
"That was just the rum talkin'." Flat Cap then took this time to light a cigar and take a couple puffs.
"Sooo, what did ye plan on doin' this evenin'?"
"Honestly, I'm not sure. I got the pants done and I did my daily workouts. Maybe I'll catch up on my reading."
"Fuck that shite, man. Let's head tae the movies. I hear Jick & Jall is pretty good."
"Isn't that the one with the Irishman hunting man-eating pigeons and incestous witches?"
"No, that's MickMack. Jick & Jall 'as an actual plot to it."
Loincloth held his chin and pondered for a moment.
"Alright, I'm in. But you're paying for the food."
"Fine with me. Just don't bankrupt me."
With that, the angels left the club in style, hopping into Tighty Whitey, and went off to the nearest movie theater. A part of Flat Cap felt they should've stayed and helped clean up the mess the ghost made, but that's what repairmen and renovators are for. So they can do their job while the angels relax, knowing that they did their's.