"Mummy? Can I talk to you?"
13 year-old Patience Elizabeth Mount leant against the doorframe of her mother's music room in a manner she hoped would be read as nonchalant, despite the fact her vest top was sticking to her back and her palms were slick, and not because of the summer heat.
"Can it wait my darling?" Olivia mumbled around the pencil hanging out of her mouth, craning over the music score sprawling across the table. "If I can get a head start on this then we'll have the whole weekend."
The youngster let her head drop to her chest, the adrenalin rush dissipating to leave her jittery and tired. It had taken so much energy to get to this point. She'd spent at least five minutes standing outside the door just trying to knock. She squeezed her eyes shut, refusing to let the building tears escape, her throat swelling and only allowing the smallest voice to escape her mouth. "Ok."
She turned and walked away, her own arms wrapping around her torso. Why did this have to be so hard? It wasn't really such a big deal was it? She was hardly bringing dishonour on the family!
"Patsy?" Her mother's voice followed her down the corridor. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Patsy was well aware of just how falsely bright her voice sounded right now, but she'd lost her nerve entirely. "It doesn't matter." And then her feet were moving, long gangly limbs carrying her through the house and up the stairs at speed and into her bedroom, the door closing harder than she meant to close it.
Simultaneously, Patsy wanted to throw herself down on her bed, and kick seven shades of something out of her desk chair. She settled instead for pacing furiously, stomping her foot every time she turned, her hand in her hair, clutching the strawberry blonde strands and tugging, while silently berating herself for being a coward. So consumed was she by her internal diatribe that she jumped in fright when her door opened a moment later. Her mother stood in the doorway, her posture tight and her eyebrows drawn down with concern.
"What are you doing?" Patsy shrieked. "What happened to 'We knock in this house!"?"
Olivia raised her hands in supplication taking small, measured steps towards her daughter. "Patsy, darling, what's wrong?"
Patsy threw her hands down against her sides, stopping short of stamping her foot. "Nothing!" she whined. "I said it was nothing!" The words flew from her mouth despite her brain screaming "Tell her! She's right here! Get it over with!"
Her mum softly grasped Patsy's hands, walking backwards so she could sit on the edge of the bed. Patsy remembered her doing this when she was younger so she could remain comfortably at Patsy's eye level while the little girl got her thoughts straight. Only now Patsy towered over the seated woman while she tried to form her words.
"My darling," her mother began earnestly while Patsy's eyes wandered the ceiling, refusing to cry. "I'm sorry I asked you to wait. Whatever it is you need to tell me is clearly important. I'm ready to listen."
Patsy was losing her battle against the building tears, a few escaping down her cheeks, but she'd be damned if she was going to let them overwhelm her. She closed her eyes and drew in the deepest breath she could, releasing it slowly, squeezing her mother's hand when she heard the woman in front of her do the same. It was just 3 words. 3 little words. 3 words she used everyday, just not in this order. She just needed her brain to shut up long enough for her mouth to do the work.
"I…ummm…"
Come on Patience for heavens sake. 3 words. Come on.
"I…" She glanced down at her mother. Big mistake. The woman looked ready to cry herself. Oh god what if she disowned her for what she was about to tell her? Arghh why did she have to be like this?!
She tore her hands from her mother's grasp and spun away, wiping furiously at the tears spilling down her face. "I can't!"
The bed shifted behind her.
"Yes, you can sweetheart." The voice was soft and warm, and Patsy desperately wanted to wrap herself safely in it, in her mum's arms, to hear her say everything would be alright. Yet at the same time she wanted to be as far away from here as possible right now, terrified of the disappointment she might see in her eyes.
"No I can't. I don't want you to hate me," Patsy whined against the sob rising in her throat.
"Patsy, listen to me." Her mother's hands on her shoulders gently urged her to turn around. "Whatever it is you need to tell me I will not hate you. You're my little love." She looked her up and down. "Or not-so-little love now."
A finger under Patsy's chin tilted her face up, her lower lip shaking as she risked pulling her gaze from her own shoes. She found a small smile waiting for her on her mother's face.
"I will not hate you."
Patsy hoped against hope that that was true. She pressed her head down against the woman's shoulder, a tight high-pitched cry escaping her throat. She felt her long hair being stroked away and a cool hand settle on her neck, another stroking slowly up and down her back.
"Why did this have to happen to me?" Patsy mewled. "What did I do wrong?"
She felt her mother stiffen against her, the hand at her back slow and the one at her neck tighten.
"Tell me Patsy. Please."
A sob was lodged in her throat, and it was making it really hard to catch her breath. She stood up straight, hoping better posture and a bit of space would help. It didn't.
"I…I, I…I…" Her voice was rising in pitch with every sound she made. She was surprised the dog hadn't come out of Grace's room to investigate.
She threw her hands down against her thighs and growled, only vaguely aware of her mum flinching back.
"I LIKE GIRLS!"
She dropped her head and held her breath, not ready to see the look in her mothers eyes.
Silence.
Of course she couldn't bear it for long. She heaved in a breath, fresh tears clinging to the edges of her eyelids as she slowly looked up at her mother. The woman's eyes were wide as saucers, a hand hovering in front of her mouth. They just stared at each other for what felt like an eternity.
Then a huff of air escaped her mother's mouth. And then another. Her eyes creased and a hand moved to clutch around her own waist as she bent double.
Patsy recoiled in horror, the tears cascading down her cheeks. Her mother hated her. She'd lied. She hated her. God what was she going to do?
She was so deep in her own head that she cried out when gentle arms wrapped around her. It took a moment for her to register that her mother wasn't sobbing. She was laughing. Why was she laughing? What the hell was going on? She struggled against her mothers grip, suddenly angry, suddenly wanting no physical contact with someone who found her distress highly amusing.
"Patsy…"
When those arms tightened she shoved at her mother's chest, slapping at her shoulders when she refused to release her, emitting small mortified shrieks as furious tears soaked her face.
"Patsy, please." Her mother's arms released, and for a moment Patsy believed she'd escaped and tried to step away, only to find her wrists captured and held tight.
"Patsy listen to me. I'm sorry." Olivia's voice erred on the stern side, something Patsy couldn't quite blame her for. She'd raised both her daughters to behave in a lady-like manner no matter how emotional they got, and right now Patsy was behaving abominably. But it just hurt so much. "I swear to you Patsy, I wasn't laughing at you." She released one of Patsy's hands to grasp the back of her neck and draw her closer. "I'm sorry. You were just getting so distressed I thought…" She released a faltering breath and shook her head. "…It doesn't matter what I thought, just know I wasn't laughing at you. I'm so sorry."
All the fight left Patsy in a long drawn out keening moan as she collapsed against her mum's solid frame.
"I've got you my darling." The woman walked backwards, taking Patsy with her, retaking her seat on the edge of the bed and drawing the teenager onto her lap.
Patsy was definitely too big for this now. Rather than sitting she ended up laid across her mum's legs so she could tuck her head under her chin, her legs folded up on the bed beside her. It wasn't the most comfortable, but it was what she needed. Finally, she allowed herself to cry rather than fighting it, feeling safe, being gently rocked in her mother's arms.
"Oh my little Valentine. It'll be ok, I promise."
Valentine. She hadn't been called that in a while, maybe not since her mother dropped her off at boarding school for the first time when she was 11. It was her special nickname. Patsy was meant to have been born on February 14th so her parents had referred to her as Valentine in utero. Her sister had just been known as Bumpy. But of course Patsy had been over-eager to join the world and had made her grand entrance nearly 3 weeks early. Hence she was named Patience. She'd never lived up to her name. But hearing her old nickname always made her feel that little bit more loved.
"Oh my god you're such a giant baby!"
"Gracey," her mother warned the 8-year old red head stood in Patsy's doorway, a white cloud of bichon frise wagging it's tail beside her.
Patsy just burrowed further into their mother's shoulder. This was the last thing she wanted to deal with. "Get out of my room Grace!"
"Im not in your room!" Grace crossed her arms and cocked a hip. "What are you crying about now? You kept me up ALLLLLLLL night with your boo-hoo-hoo-ing!"
God the girl was such a brat! Patsy sat up suddenly, nearly smacking her head against her mum's chin, grabbed a cushion from the end of the bed and lobbed it at her sister. "I said get lost!"
"Both of you settle down please!"
"I'm not doing anything!" Grace actually had the temerity to stamp her foot, the dog hopping sideways into the room to avoid the potential tantrum.
Patsy rose from the bed, spoiling for a fight now, her stomach twisting with rage, but her mum grabbed her wrist and pulled her unceremoniously back down onto the bed. Just one smack, that's all she wanted to give her, just one good wallop and she'd feel so much better!
"I said settle down!" Her cool hand returned to the back of Patsy's neck.
Patsy sighed, her stomach slowly uncoiling with the soothing touch of her mother's skin.
"Grace, go and get your shoes please."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
The little red head stomped away. She'd never lived up to her name either.
Patsy watched the small dog sitting in the doorway whining, gazing after Grace, but also glancing at Patsy, apparently aware she was upset. Eventually it crept towards Patsy, looking up at her with big brown eyes, placing one paw gently on her foot.
"Hello Callisto." She reached down and lifted the dog into her lap, nuzzling the top of her head.
"I thought Grace named her Snowy?"
"Snowy's a stupid name," Patsy mumbled, half-heartedly trying to evade the dogs gentle kisses.
"Callisto? After the Greek nymph? Or after that warrior woman in that TV show you were watching the other day?"
Patsy shrugged, finding the dog's collar suddenly absolutely fascinating and hoping the heat rushing up her neck wasn't as obvious as it felt. Damn her fair skin.
Her mum's eyes were boring into the side of her head. She heard the woman sigh. "Were you really that worried that you couldn't sleep last night?"
Patsy shrugged again. She'd known her mother would have questions, she just had no idea how to answer them. Or if she wanted to. The dog licked her nose. It tickled.
"Worried about telling me?" her mother urged, rubbing her back gently. "Or that you might be a lesbian?"
Patsy tensed, accidentally squeezing the dog. "Mummmmmmm! Please don't say that word!"
"Which one? Lesbian?"
The teenager slapped her hands over her ears, absolutely mortified. "LA LA LA LA…"
Her hands were tugged away from her head, and a hand on her cheek coaxed her to look at her mum.
"Why don't you want me to say it my darling?" she asked softly.
"I don't want anyone to say it!" Patsy whined. "It just sounds so…angry!"
Olivia sighed and pulled Patsy into her side, the dog whimpering as though in agreement. "Let me guess, the girls at school use it as an insult."
Patsy nodded against her mother's shoulder, remembering the last day of term when Catherine De Sousa had spat the word at Nina Rae during an argument. It felt like being slapped, even though it wasn't directed at her. "Dyke too."
Her mother shook her head above her, rubbing her cheek against her crown. "Some things never change I'm afraid Valentine. I'm sure it's horrible hearing it used like that now, but one day, hopefully you'll be proud to call yourself one. If, of course that's what you turn out to be."
"What do you mean?" Patsy's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Did her mother think she was making it up? Her back was starting to twinge and so she forced herself to sit up straight. As much as she wanted to be close to her mother right now she was resentful of the growth spurt she'd had in the spring, it was getting increasingly uncomfortable to cuddle up the way they used to.
Her mother shifted to face her, taking her hands gently. "Only that this might just be a phase you'll grow out of, that you may yet find out your straight…"
Patsy's guts suddenly twisted hard. So her mother was upset that she was this way. She didn't want to have a lesbian daughter, and to be honest, why would she?
Her distress must have shown plainly on her face because Olivia squeezed her hands tightly. "…I'm not saying that's what I want or expect to happen darling. I couldn't care less which way you swing…"
"Mum!" Patsy was starting to think she was going to spend most of this conversation mortified.
"All I'm saying is that you're only 13, you've got plenty of time to figure it out, there's no rush. Although just between us," she leaned in closer, lowering her voice. "If you're going to be anything, be bi, then you get to experience the best of both." She winked at Patsy conspiratorially.
Patsy just frowned back in response. "What does that mean?"
"It means that you can date both girls and guys."
Patsy's eyes widened, her top lip lifting in disgust.
Olivia laughed. "Or not."
"Boys are yuck." Patsy shuddered, her tongue hanging out.
Her mum chuckled again. "I did notice you weren't swooning over Jolyon Warner Price like the other girls at the barbecue last week. I just assumed you were a late-bloomer." She peered at Patsy. "Were you swooning over someone else?"
"NO!" Patsy cried indignantly. Her mother continued to watch her with raised questioning eyebrows. "I wasn't!" She sighed. "It was mostly girls from my set there, they waste so much time and energy gushing over boys. It's pathetic," she spat.
"Do girls at school still practice kissing on each other?" Her mum asked gently.
"Yes," Patsy replied morosely, her shoulders dropping.
"Do they ever practice on you?"
"Once. Not anymore, in case they work it out."
"Is that how you found out?"
Patsy shrugged.
Olivia stroked a strand of hair behind Patsy's ear. "All right Valentine." She kissed her temple. "Get your shoes on and meet me by the car."
—
The library wasn't where Patsy had expected to end up. They'd left Grace in the kids section near the back of the building, and now as she and her mum moved through the space she could feel the quiet pressing in on her. "Mum what are we doing here?"
"Looking for some information," her mum stated, glancing at a community notice board as they passed.
"But you're not going near the books," Patsy pointed out sullenly, looking around for some clue what her mother was up to. "Are you looking for the computers? I think they're upstairs."
"Oh my darling girl," Olivia smiled indulgently. "There are more resources here than just books and computers. Ah-ha!"
Rounding yet another stack of shelves, the enquiry desk came into view, Patsy's mum picking up the pace as she caught the eye of the librarian stood behind the desk. The woman was younger than Patsy expected, with short brown hair, baggy jeans, and a green chequered shirt over a black vest top.
"You guys all right there?" The woman asked softly.
"Good afternoon," Patsy's mum smiled. "I was hoping you might know about some local services. You see…" She wrapped an arm around her daughters shoulders and Patsy's hackles raised. "…My daughter here has just come out."
"Mum!" Patsy hissed, shoving her away. "What's wrong with you?!
"It's all right Patsy," Olivia reached for her hand, but Patsy snatched it away. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"That doesn't mean you can tell the whole world!" She was so close to stamping her foot, so very very close.
Patsy was surprised by a hand on her shoulder, the librarian having seemingly magicked herself from behind the desk.
"It's ok. Patsy is it?"
Patsy side-eyed the woman before giving a small nod.
"Nice to meet you Patsy, I'm Val." Val held her hand out and Patsy hesitated a moment but she shook it. "All right, now let's get one thing straight. From here on out, you're the only one who decides who you tell. Ok?
Patsy nodded.
Val smiled, then turned to Olivia. "Ok Mum?
A flicker of shame flash across her mother's face as she nodded. "Of course. I'm sorry Patsy."
"S'ok," Patsy muttered, scuffing her toe against the carpet.
The librarian squeezed her shoulder. "Good. Now then, today is your lucky day, Patsy, Mum."
"Olivia, please," Patsy's mum offered her hand, which Val dutifully shook.
"You see, I am actually an LGBT Youth counsellor, and I have something that might be just what you're looking for." The young woman dashed back to the desk and leant over it, rummaging for something.
To Patsy's horror, her eyes were drawn instantly to the firm denim-clad backside. Heat surged up her neck and across her face and she forced herself to look away before the librarian turned around and caught her staring. If Val noticed that she closely resembled a tomato when she turned back around, she was gracious enough not to let on.
"Here," she handed a trifold leaflet to Patsy. "I run a couple of LGBT youth groups. Every council should have something like this, but there wasn't one in the area when I graduated from uni, so I set one up."
Patsy frowned at the rainbow border on the leaflet's front page. "LGBT?"
"Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender," Val translated. "There's a whole heap of other letters that can be added on as well, but put simply it means anyone who isn't straight or of a traditional gender."
"Oh. Right."
"A lot to take in eh?" The librarian grinned.
"Kinda," Patsy nodded.
"Don't you worry," Val wrapped her arm around Patsy. "The groups just a social thing mostly but we try to do some educating in each session as well. And we are all going to Thorpe Park in a couple of weeks, which you'd be more than welcome to join us for if you wanted. In the meantime, have a read of the leaflet, it'll tell you about all the services we're connected to if you need them, spend some time having a think on it all. And while you're here…"
Patsy was surprised to find her hand being taken, and lead towards the shelves.
"…Shall we find you a good book? You're a bit young for Sarah Waters yet, but there's a couple of other titles we can start you off with."
—
Turns out trying to read with your 8-year old sister singing off-key in the back of the car, kicking your chair was surprisingly difficult.
"Grace I swear to God if you don't stop I am going to smother you in your sleep!"
"Patsy?!" her mother cried from the drivers seat. "Do not talk to your sister like that!"
"She's being a complete brat!" The teenager knew it was unbecoming to whine but she was beyond caring. She turned and glared at her sister. Grace just stuck out her tongue. Patsy narrowed her eyes and turned back around.
There was a single solid kick to her mid back.
Olivia flung her arm across Patsy's chest before she could retaliate. "Grace, leave your sister alone."
Patsy watched the girl shrug in the wing mirror. One day she would actually get her own back.
"Patsy, I know you've had a stressful couple of days, but I'd appreciate it if you tried to keep your temper."
"Sorry Mum," she mumbled sullenly.
Olivia sighed. "I should probably write to your house matron, let her know what's going on."
"No!" Patsy's head snapped round so fast she felt her neck protest. "Please Mum don't tell Sister Ignacious!"
"I need to know you've got support love." Her mother squeezed her knee. "If the other girls find out, there's a chance some of them won't be very nice to you. You need someone on your side."
"But she's a nun! They think it's a sin, they'll make me spend all my free time in the chapel!"
"Don't be so dramatic." Olivia laughed. "All right, what about one of those new younger teachers? Was it Miss Dolan and Miss Russell?"
Patsy cringed. No way did she want Miss Russell knowing about her…inclinations. That was the last thing she needed, for her crush to know what she was. "Maybe Miss Dolan," she offered.
"All right then," her mother nodded. "And what would you prefer to do about your father?"
The teenagers eyes widened. She'd completely forgot that she'd need to tell her father. "I don't know," Patsy frowned. "Does he…how do you think he'll take it?"
Olivia took a long breath, the corner of her mouth twitching as she took a moment to think. "He won't reject you if that's what you're worried about. It's just your dad isn't very good with surprises." She glanced at her daughter before returning her eyes to the road. "Maybe I should tell him, just in case he gets a little…unpleasant."
Patsy thought hard about her father. She'd always been a daddy's girl while the family lived in Singapore. He'd never spoilt her, but they had been close. Too many people had said she took after him more than her mother, in character as well as looks. It had been very hard for them both when Olivia had moved back to England with the girls so that Patsy could attend school. Daily phone calls had quickly declined from once a day, to once a week when term started, now they were sporadic. Patsy understood that her father was a busy man, she'd spent enough time in his various offices around the world to know what his day-to-day was like, but it still stung, this distance.
"I feel like he might be more disappointed in me if I don't tell him myself," admitted Patsy, refusing to give in to the urge to fiddle with the leaflet in her lap. "I don't want him to think I'm a coward."
The cool comfort of her mother's hand returned to her knee. "He won't think you're a coward Valentine. He loves you. We both do."
Patsy grasped Olivia's hand tightly in both of her own, holding onto her until she had to pull away to change gears.
"You've still got a few days until he gets back, if you change your mind just let me know.
The teen glanced up at her mum and was warmed by the soft smile on her face.
The lorry careening towards the drivers side barely registered in her Patsy's mind.