Chapter 1: Loss

August 2003
843 days after...

Erwin and I were together for 15 years, 8 months and 29 days. A whopping 5600 days if you're counting. I don't know the exact hours or seconds, only God knows that. At this point I'm too exhausted to even try.

I met him at the young age of fifteen. It was 1985 and I was the new girl. New year, new school, new life I told myself as I pushed down all of the memories I made at my old home. I was young and unsure of myself and had no clue about what I wanted to do with my life, as we all are at that age. It's strange thinking back on it because the day I met him, I knew he would mean something to me.

It's one of those things that one look at him and I knew I wanted to be with him. He was so kind and sweet on my first day. He offered to help me find my classes and carry my books. I initially declined his offer, but Erwin would have none of it. His bright blue eyes blazing with a mixture of determination and amusement, he grabbed my books and ushered me to follow. I was dumbfounded by his forwardness but my meekness kept me hushed as I followed behind him. I soon discovered that we were the same age, in fact, we even shared many of the same classes.

One look into those dazzling blue eyes and I was struck. The best way I can describe it was like a rod of lightning split the heavens and jolted my heart. If I knew then what I know now, would I have done things the same? Would me staying have saved his life? So many questions with so few answers.

Even after all of these years and everything in between; the good times, the bad times, the loneliness, the pain and loss, I never quit loving him. Even when it hurt me more to stay, I still loved him. The love we shared was special. It was meaningful. Beautiful at times but the distance and time apart killed me.

I was bitter, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I was bitter because after eleven years of Erwin being away on constant deployments and tours it put a heavy strain on my sanity. What did I have to show after 15 years? No work history, three miscarriages, a dead cat and years spent wishing he would come home and stay this time.

Before you ask me,"Well Kelli, if you loved him, why didn't you just stay?". The answer is simple, I was already bitter and the last thing I wanted was to resent him. I loved him much too much to tarnish the wonderful feelings I had for him. I made the decision to leave for the both of us

Day 5600

"Hey, sweetheart. How's the baby?

I swallowed a sob and fought down the whimper that threatened to emerge from my bleeding heart. The phone shook in my hand and I used my other one to help hold it still.
"I lost the baby, Erwin." I choked out.

Losing a child never gets easy. The first one was devastating, the second one destroyed me. This time was different, at least it was supposed to be.

When Erwin and I first got married, he talked of having a large family. It didn't matter if he was having a bad day because once he talked about having children, his entire being lit up. I could feel his excitement and strong desire at becoming a father. His mood was infectious, he made me yearn for a family of our own.

Five was the number we agreed on, though he wanted more, I was able to convince him that five would be plenty. So as quickly as we could, before he was shipped off to boot camp, we decided to try for our first child.

The problem was never getting pregnant, the problem was me being unable to carry to term. God, he was over the moon when I first told him we were expecting. Already, the man was coming up with names. Jacob for a boy and Natalie for a girl. We had it all planned out. We had a room for the baby in our small apartment. Where the child would go to school. What sports they might play. What their personality may be like.

I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. To hold our child in my arms, whisper words of love to it while it slept. To rock it to sleep while I sang to it. But God had other plans, so it seems.

One week I was listening to its heart beat at the doctors office. Erwin had already finished his basic training and was shipped to overseas. The next minute while listening to the sweetest song on earth in the cold hospital room, it stopped. I swore my heart stopped with it... We never got to know the gender.

It's normal for your first pregnancy to end in the first trimester the doctor assured me. He and the nurses did their best to console me but my heart was still shattered none the less. I cried as they did the d&c, hoping and praying that it was just a horrible nightmare and not my life unfolding in front of me.

Erwin was torn by the news but he remained hopeful. We could just try again he offered. Right, we'll just try again...

The second one went much the same as the first. I cried every night for weeks after. Unable to eat, sleep or do much of anything, I let my grief consume me. I wished harder than ever that Erwin was there with me. I needed to hear his deep, soothing voice. To have his strong arms holding me close. To smell his warm scent that could ease my pain.
In my isolation I began to wonder why my body hated me. Why God hated me. What was wrong with me? Was I not meant to be happy? To have a family? To be a mother... My only dream in this world was crumbling before my eyes.

Erwin was much quicker to suggest we try, yet again. I, on the other hand, was terrified. For years I feared enduring another pregnancy after the failed two. I'm thankful that he never pressured me into trying again. Always the understanding husband he took my apprehension in stride, telling me that when I'm ready, then it will happen.

It wasn't until this past year that I finally came around to the idea. I'm almost thirty, and I'm not getting any younger. It was now or never. Erwin's enlistment was coming to an end. We discussed him finding a career outside of the military or being in the reserves. I was elated to hear that I would be able to see him on a daily basis. No more letters, no more overseas calls, no more waking up in an empty bed more often than not.

A fresh start that both of us greatly looked forward to. For once I would have my husband beside me every night and all of the loneliness would have been worth it. So, I took that leap.

No sooner after I fell pregnant did Erwin inform me that he reenlisted and that he would be re deployed soon for an unforeseeable length of time. I wanted to cry and scream and swing at him, but I held it together, for us. I just wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to support him and all of his endeavors even if with each passing year a small part of me died.

With this pregnancy I felt like I was constantly holding my breath. Each week I got closer and closer to the time when I miscarried the other two. I couldn't enjoy this one, I was so traumatized that I felt like I should sooner plan for a funeral than a baby shower.

And then the weeks passed and still baby was alive. I felt I could breath easier but fear was still on the forefront of my mind. I entered my second trimester, this time I was much farther along than my first two.

I cried when I found out I was having a girl. Erwin was just as thrilled to meet our little Naomi. It hurt not having him present for the doctors appointments. I got strange looks from the other patients, how typical, a single black mother, who's the child's father? Does she even know?

I envied the glowing mothers to be. They had their husbands there with them the entire way, their large hands stroking their wives' growing belly. Or how they kiss each other sweetly and dream of their futures as parents.

I had no one. My family was in another state and his family didn't approve of our marriage. To them I was just supposed to be a phase for their son. An outlet for his lust and sexual experimentation. It wasn't supposed to develop into anything by their old school standards. Blacks marry blacks and whites marry whites. That's how it was for those idiots. They believed I was tarnishing the gene pool and that my miscarriages were proof that Erwin and I shouldn't procreate. Mixed blood and half breeds would be our brood, never would they accept our children or I.

My mother loved Erwin. From day one she approved of him. My father was another story. Always protective of my, he did his best to make sure my virginity stayed intact til we were married... Sorry dad, I lost that the night of my senior prom. But my father came around after awhile. He treated Erwin like the son he never had and the two got along very well. It didn't matter that Erwin was white and not black, my parents loved him because I loved him.

Soon, I wouldn't be alone, I would have Naomi and all would right. Caring for her would keep me busy and my mind off of Erwin's absence. I knew I would still miss him but I would have a piece of him to keep me company.

Then it happened. I woke up and began my day as usual. I cleaned to pass the time, watched tv and did some light reading. I went to the bathroom and what I found shocked me. Touching gingerly it felt like a balloon protruding from my vagina. I didn't waste time and rushed myself to the hospital.

What started as a normal morning ended up being a nightmare...

The doctors tried everything. They informed me that I had an incompetent cervix and that the weight of the baby was putting strain on it, thus causing my cervix to open. I was sure then that my body hated me, it simply didn't want to carry a child. My baby, my Naomi, was literally falling out of me.

The doctors laid me down and helped me to lift my hips. They explained that with the odd angle, that the amniotic sac and baby should slide back in and into place. Once that was accomplished, they'd give me a cerclage, effectively stitching my cervix closed until I was closer to term.

Even though fear was gripping my heart, I stayed hopeful as nurses and doctors surrounded me, monitoring me. I wished more than ever that Erwin was there to console me and tell me that everything was going to alright. But my hope, like it always did, ran out.

Against my will, my body, my damned body, went into labor. There was nothing else they could do. We, mostly I, had to ride out this storm. I delivered Naomi. It was all a blur. One minute I was pushing and the next they were laying her on my chest.

She didn't cry. She didn't open her eyes. She opened her mouth once, maybe twice as my doctor sat back and watch on with tears in her eyes. Naomi, if only I had been a few weeks farther along, she would have had a forty percent chance of surviving. It was a small chance but still one nonetheless. Her little body just wasn't strong enough, not developed enough to survive without me.

I held her to me as long as I could. My eyes scanning over her still body, cementing her to my memory. She was so tiny, she resembled no more than doll but she was perfect in every way. Ten toes, ten fingers, she had her fathers Roman nose and his thin lips. She was definitely daddy's little girl, I had thought dejectedly.

I was free to leave a few days later. I learned that due to the d&c that i had after my first two miscarriages, my previous doctor had unwittingly damaged my cervix, scarring and weakening it. My current doctor, Dr. Nowitzky informed me that should I become pregnant again, at twelve weeks they would bring me in and place the cervical stitch. She assured me that there was nothing wrong with me and that having an incompetent cervix didn't mean that I wouldn't be able to carry to term the next time. An incompetent cervix was just one of those things that you didn't know you had until your child was falling out of you.

I nodded and listened to her, she seemed hopeful that I would one day, finally, have the family I had always wanted. I didn't interrupt her or interject but in my mind, I had already made my decision.

"Are you alright?" I heard Erwin's deep voice whisper on the other end of the phone. He sounded pained but knowing him, he was likely holding it together for me,"I-I'm coming back." He managed.

My heart beat rapidly in my chest, tears streamed down my face for Naomi and now for what I was about to do.

"Erwin," I said, cutting off what he was trying to say," when you come back, I won't be here." I finished before hanging up on him.

I tossed the phone aside and went back to packing my things. The phone rang incessantly but I ignored it. If I answered, I knew he would talk me into staying. I needed to be strong. For once, I needed to be strong for me. If I answered that phone, the small sliver of strength I had in me, would break and who's to tell how many more lonely years I'd spend as his wife until I resented him.

I couldn't do that. Not to him. He was always too good for me. I knew he loved me and that through it all and across oceans and years between us, deep down, I know he stayed true to me. That's how Erwin was. A gentleman to a fault. A one woman kind of man. I knew he'd never entertain another female. He could have easily found another family over seas and have the many children he always wanted, the children I could never give him, but he didn't. He always came back to me.

But it wasn't enough. Maybe I was being selfish. Maybe I was making a mistake my conscience reasoned but I ignored it. I deserved some semblance of happiness and so did he. He deserved a family of his own and the more years he wasted with me, I would keep disappointing him. Lastly, I needed to move on. I couldn't be lonely anymore. I couldn't have a husband that was never around.

I didn't want another man. No, I was done. Erwin was and is my one and only. No other man could nor would I allow into my bed or heart. I'd lock it all down and savor the wonderful memories I had with him.

It wasn't easy walking away from the home he had purchased for me. Next to losing our children, it was the second hardest thing I had to endure. With the money I had saved over the years, I chose to move to another state, our home state. I had already bought a new home. Nothing grand. It was small and needed some renovations but there I would spend the rest of my life. My family would be close by and this new loneliness would be my own doing and I was ok with that.

August 2003

843 days after, same day...

"Would please come up and share a few words?"

My head snapped up at the mention of my name. I still went by his name. Two years ago when I had told him I wanted a divorce, he told me that that was something he could never give me. He had so much hurt and desperation reflecting in those crystal blue eyes when he found me. Looking at him almost broke my resolve but I stayed firm in my decision.

I looked down at my hands. I hadn't realized I was clutching the tissue so tightly that my dark knuckles were turning white. I heaved a sigh in an attempt to gather my emotions, my father, sitting next to me, gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. His dark, chocolate brown eyes, were rimmed in red and he allowed his tears to freely fall down his wrinkled face. My mother, who sat on the other side of him, reached across and to hold my hand. Her expression, though somber told me that I would be alright. She gave me a tight smile, her own brown eyes glistening with tears.

Rising, i slowly made my way to the podium. Everyone's attention was on me, pity and remorse playing on their features. I looked to Erwin's family, they didn't even try to hide the hatred and disgust that they felt towards me. I was used to it, seeing their disapproval that is but what really struck me was the look on his mother's face. Her glare was accusing as though I was the cause for all of this. I didn't blame her, in fact, I sided with her.

I averted my gaze from them and I focussed my attention on the casket in front of me. It was all black and I could see me reflection clearly in it. I looked exhausted and as though I had been crying for days, which I had been. Beside it sat a large picture of Erwin in his military uniform. His expression was serious and his bright eyes were unreadable. I remembered that day. I had fussed over his hair, combing it back so that it looked sleek and not a single strand was out of place. He looked so handsome that day.

I took in the many bouquets of flowers. They were all beautiful it almost reminded me of the arrangements we received after our wedding. Though this time the flowers were for a much much less joyous occasion.

If someone had told me that I would be a widow at thirty-two, I would have said that they are lying. I'd known some of the other Army wives that had lost their husbands and never would I of imagined that I would be joining the club. I wished I could have looked at him, one last time before they cover his casket in pounds of dirt but it was closed. I heard a few details, his body was so badly mangled and destroyed that they had to keep the lid tightly shut. More tears slid down my face, knowing that my husband's lifeless body was inside.

After a moment I took the few steps up to the podium, Jesus Christ, his head raised high as he looked to the heavens as his body bled on the cross, didn't even spare me a glance. I looked into the crowd, noting his fellow comrades sprinkled amongst the group of family and friends. They had all piled into the large Catholic church, so many people that cared for Erwin, occupied the church pews and all that was left was standing room.

My eyes scanned the crowd, memorizing all of their faces. I stopped when my eyes landed on Levi, Erwin's best friend. I had known Levi just as long as Erwin. The two were inseparable. Friends since grade school, they referred to each other as brothers because of how close they were.

I never understood how the two men became friends. They were complete opposites. Where Erwin was the captain of the football team, the known "nice guy" , well mannered and never one to get into trouble, Levi was the complete opposite. Usually quiet and most days sporting a scowl, Levi had a sharp tongue, vulgar vocabulary and was known to beat the shit out of anyone that crossed him, yet the girls in high school fawned over him, the school bad boy.

He had quickly made it known that he didn't like me and only tolerated me because of Erwin. The feeling was mutual. Levi, was and still is an asshole. Where I could appreciate his level of honesty, the cruel way in which he expressed it rubbed me the wrong way. He cared little for how people felt and went about his life fucking every woman that threw themselves at him. He wasn't the relationship kind of guy and teased Erwin about being tied down to one woman at eighteen.

They both joined the Army together and I figured that that would change him. Nope, when they came back from deployments he was just as cold and intimidating as ever. I treated him as a host should when he came by for dinners but there was always something wrong with my cooking or I didn't wipe the table down right or I was spilling water on the floor while I washed dishes. With Levi, nothing was ever perfect but I endured it, for Erwin.

Levi stared back at me from where he stood. His uniform in place and immaculate as I assumed it would be for the neat freak. His arms were crossed and his deceptively youthful face was blank and devoid of any emotion but his eyes told me of the rage he was concealing. Rage directed at me.

I looked away and dabbed at my tears. I didn't prepare a speech but I knew where to start.

"I loved him," i began," through the years we spent together, he was my everything. Even though he snored so loudly I was sure the neighbors could hear him," some of his Army friends and others laughed, nodding their heads in agreement,"it didn't stop me from laying beside him even if I was losing out on sleep. He'd wake up the next day, saying that was the best sleep he'd ever had. I'd sleep well too if I could." I cracked a grin of my own at the memory.

"He suggested he sleep on the couch since he kept me up at night. Not that it would have helped but he was always considerate like that. I've always known him to put the needs of others before his own. I loved that about him. He'd see a person walking in the rain and without a second thought he'd pull over to give them a ride. I told him he didn't know if he was picking up a crazy person but nonetheless he'd stop anyways. As terrified as I would be, my brain conjuring up the worst possible scenarios, he'd hold my hand and assure me that we would be fine."

" He did little things like that that made me adore him..."

Day 1

October 1985

"Hey, Kehlani." Erwin greeted as he joined me at the table in the library. I was studying for my history exam when I presume he noticed me and decided to join me. I rolled my eyes at his greeting and set him with a frown.

"I've already told you to stop calling me that. Call me Kelli."I hated my name and he knew it but chose to continue to use it against my wishes.

"But, why? I like your name." He gave me a confused look.

"Kelli just looks better on a resume."

He laughed and it was beautiful, he was beautiful. He had one of those laughs where he didn't care how he looked. His eyes would close and his mouth opened wide, his deep booming laugh filling the quiet library. I smiled at him, my heart soaring and agitation clearing from hearing that wondrous sound. I probably looked like a dope staring at him like that but we were alone, so I didn't care.

Once his laughter died down, the smile never leaving his face he nodded in acceptance,"Fine, I'll call you Kelli."

I smiled triumphantly and pushed my shoulders back, making myself rise up pridefully from my little victory.

"I just think it's a nice name " he went one,"It suits you."

I thanked God for my darker skin. I felt my face heat up from his declaration... Thank you melanin.

"If you like my name, you should hear my sister's." I said, changing the subject.

"What's her name?"

"Mariah." I deadpanned that earned another laugh from the handsome teenager," What are you doing here anyways? Don't you have football practice?" I asked, glancing at the clock.

He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes searching and darting everywhere but to my own. Something was up with him, he looked nervous, it was a reaction I had never seen from him before. I decided then that I liked it, he looked cute flustered. I patiently waited for his response before I ask him what his sudden nerves were about.

"Your birthday is next week... Scorpio, right?"

" You're avoiding the question Smith."

"How's your studies going?" He tried again.

"Spill it. What's up with you?"

He sighed out in defeat, his eyes were unsure but I gave him a small encouraging smile,"Will you be my girlfriend?" He blurted out.

My heart stuttered in my chest and it felt like all of the air left my lungs. My mouth opened and closed like a fish but no words came out. Erwin was asking me to be his girlfriend. It was what I had wanted when I first saw him. I thought he was way out of my league and all of the girls, much prettier girls, had their eyes on him as well. Yet, here he was, staring expectantly at me, waiting for my answer.

Yes! I wanted to scream but I couldn't find my voice. His face fell, taking my quietness for rejection. "I'm sorry." He muttered before standing.

I panicked. No no no!. I had to say something. Do something I inwardly screamed at myself. He turned to leave and as if my body and mind began to work I quickly grabbed his hand, almost falling from my chair as I did so.

"Yes! I'll be your girlfriend." I rushed out.

He looked shocked by my answer but then a large smile broke out across his face.

August 2003

Day 843 after, hours later...

I nursed the beer in my hand. I wasn't much of a drinker but today I made an acception. My estranged husband was now six feet under. His family and mine left shortly after the funeral. A few of the guests, our friends came back to my house. They brought me a ton of food and offered their condolences. At least I wouldn't have to cook for awhile I thought soberly.

I understood their presence. They were just trying to offer me their support but I just wished they would leave. I wanted to be alone and them being here drained me, I guess they thought that I would do something awful if they left. So, I tolerated it.

The sun had set hours ago and only a few stragglers remained. I leaned against the porch, watching them converse and catch up. It's strange how events like this could bring people back together. I couldn't remember the last time I saw most of them. It hurt knowing the next funeral, whoever it might be for, would be the next time I saw any of them again.

I smelt his cologne before I heard him. Drakkar Noir. The same scent Erwin wore. I didn't have to turn to know who was behind me. The two were like brothers, so much so that they wore the same scent. The dark, mysterious cologne filled my sense and brought me back to the 80s where we had met.

From the corner of my eye I saw Levi step next to me. He didn't say a word but I knew that he was aware that I had felt his presence. I always thought that the cologne fit Levi's personality better than Erwin's but I loved the way it smelled regardless. But right now I wished that it wasn't reminding me of him.

"He never quit loving you." Levi spoke.

It was the first time he had spoken to me all day. To be honest, I wished that he didn't because I knew I was in for some scathing words. I clutched my beer tighter to calm myself and prepare for what he would say.

"You left him, Kelli. You fucking destroyed him."

"You wouldn't understand." I defended myself, my temper quickly rising but I kept my voice down.

"Understand? I don't think you understood what it meant marrying a soldier."

I snapped my eyes to him, giving him my full attention. He was eyeing me, his cold, grey eyes shining in the porch light. His eyes were challenging, and I could see the anger inside him, whirling and licking like flames from a fire.

"While he was worrying about you, I bet you were spreading your legs for every man that gave you attention." His voice was cold and detached. I knew he was angry and I knew he didn't really mean what he was saying but it still made my hand twitch. What I would give to slap his damn face.

"Fuck you, Levi. You don't know a damn thing about me or what our marriage did to me. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew he wouldn't always be around because of his damn job. You don't know what it did to me, having to hold our dead baby in my arms while he was off wherever the fuck." My voice had slowly rose as I fought to keep myself together.

I saw many emotions flash behind his eyes, too many to make out but indifference soon settled in them," Tch, I told him it was a mistake marrying you. I knew it then and I know it now. You were the end of him."

His words hurt and made my chest tighten. He was right, I knew he was right but shit, I didn't need this. Of all days, I didn't need this.

"Get the fuck out." I managed between breaths.

He didn't spare me a glance as he walked down the porch. The tears were already racing down my face and staining my shirt. I watched him take a few steps away from me. I don't know what possessed me but I called out to him one final time,"Levi," he stopped but didn't look at me, I knew he was listening so I went on," I never stopped loving him either." My voice broke at the end.

I rushed to my house before I let myself be fully consumed by my grief. Slamming the door behind me, I crumbled to ground and began to sob.