December 18, 2019

"I feel so much better now that you're gone forever!" Blasted through my earbuds before I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked to my left, and standing there was my best friend, Freddie Freeman.

Freddie's mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear anything due to the music. I pulled both buds out which granted me a smile from Freddie,

"Sorry, couldn't hear you. What'd you say?" I asked.

"Dinner's ready. Victor tried calling you a few times, but since you didn't hear him, he sent me to get you," Freddie explained.

"Sorry, I was reading," I explained, referring to the book that was on our desk.

"With your music blasting?" Freddie asked, giving me a weird look.

"Yeah," I said with Freddie keeping his weird expression, "It helps me concentrate."

"Really?" Freddie asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"Pedro does the same thing, but then again he's always listening to music," Freddie muttered.

I didn't know that about Pedro, but then again he doesn't talk much anyway. I bookmarked my page and made sure to close out Spotify on my phone before following Freddie downstairs. "So, what's for dinner?" I asked as we headed down the steps.

"Uh, Turkey, Corn and Italian bread," Freddie said as we stepped over the bum step.

"Did Darla cook the turkey?" I quickly asked.

"Nope, all Victor," Freddie said with a smirk.

Thank god,

The first night I was here I remembered Victor complaining about Darla's Tofurky, and later that week I understood why. Tofurkies are only for a select few.

When we got downstairs, Victor greeted me with his broad smile, but he also gave me a look of worry. "Ah, there you are. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good... just reading," I said, taking my seat next to him and Darla.

"And blasting music," Freddie added as he walked around to his seat. I threw him a glare which he returned with a smirk. "Oh, does it help you concentrate?" Victor asked.

"Yeah," I said awkwardly. At that comment, Pedro gave me an approving nod.

"Well now that everyone's here let's pray." I knew what Victor meant by Pray, and it was starting to become one of my favorite parts of the day.

" All hands on deck!" Everyone stuck there hand in the middle of the table, including me.

"Thank you for this food, thank you for this day, thank you for this family and thank god we have an actual turkey," Victor said lightly joking with the last prayer. Everyone laughed at the joke except for Darla, who drew daggers at Victor.

Rosa was the first to start the daily routine of asking each of her kids how our day went. I thought it was nice that they cared and wanted to know how we were doing every day, but the attention I got when she asked me always made me uncomfortable since when she asked no one talked because they were all listening to you.

Rosa always started with Mary then went to Eugene then Freddie then Pedro then Darla and finally me.

Mary was preparing for Caltech and applying to scholarships left, right and center, and she finished another one today, which earned her praise from Rosa and Victor.

Victor asked Eugene about a project he had been working on for school. The project was some hacking app that Eugene made. Seriously that kid is a genius.

Freddie talked about a new Superman study that he read, and it was about how Superman pees. The air in the room got awkward as everyone shot him weird looks. I shot him one too, but he always got excited when talking about anything superhero related, and it always made me happy to see him like that.

Next, was Darla who talked about the new friend she made today. This was a reoccurring thing almost every night since she made friends practically every day.

Finally, Rosa got to me, "So, Billy, how was your day?" Everyone's eyes turned to me as they ate their food, and once again, I felt my cheeks get red from embarrassment. I wish this wouldn't happen every night, but it did. Back like I said, this attention made me uncomfortable as I wasn't used to it.

"Okay," I quickly said, hoping the eyes would return to their food and only their food.

"That's good anything exciting?" Rosa asked beaming.

"Nope," I said quickly and awkwardly. Rosa didn't say anything, but instead gave me a reassuring smile that gave me a silent message. Got it, sorry.

Thankfully everyone's eyes were off of me and on to a variety of other topics. Darla, Victor, and Rosa led the conversation with Freddie, Mary and Eugene joining in here and there while Pedro and I kept quiet, but still actively listened. But midway through the meal, Eugene surprised me with a question, "I've meant to ask you how'd it go with your Mom?"

I turned my head quickly towards Eugene, looking at his curious face for only a few seconds. I didn't want to answer the question, so I returned to my food. I could feel a new tension in the air, and it was deathly quiet.

Freddie broke the silence, "Wait? What's this about your Mom? The question was directed at me, feeling the sets of eyes on me. The anxiety was starting to get to me, and my head kept screaming at me to do what I always did. Run.

"Eugene found Billy's Mom," Mary pointed out.

"I did find her. Right? I mean if I didn't, I'm sure-" Eugene asked.

"It was her," I said, cutting in keeping my eyes on my food.

"How'd it go?" Mary asked, cautiously.

"It wasn't a good time," I said quickly. "Oh..." Mary said as the awkward silence grew.

I felt the anger and frustration beginning to boil over, and I hated feeling this way. And it all leads back to my Mom.

"Will you go back?" Darla asked oblivious to the tension of the situation. I saw out of the corner of my eye the warning glances Mary and Rosa shot Darla's way.

"No, she didn't want me," I said, trying to say neutral. And truthfully she never did.

"Oh, Billy, you don't deserve that-" Mary said compassionately.

"It's fine," I muttered. I'm fine.

"No, Billy, that's not fine she can't just do that, you don't deserve-" Freddie began to retort.

I had enough. I put my fork down on my plate and shoved my chair in harshly. The anxiety and stress of the situation were killing me. I couldn't talk about her not now.

"Billy!" Freddie called.

"Don't!" I yelled, turning back to him before storming upstairs. I expected Victor to try and stop me, but he didn't. Thankfully.

I wanted to scream and cry and maybe punch a wall. I was so angry. How could I be so stupid? I searched and searched for her even when so many told me she didn't want me. I defended her every time!

It was the 21st century if she wanted to find me she could have why didn't I see it before! How could the one person who was supposed to love you unconditionally cause so much pain? It wasn't fair, and it wasn't right!

I slammed the door to my room wincing at the sudden noise the door made slamming shut. I felt awful for storming upstairs and leaving everyone worried and probably angry. It wasn't right for me to yell and get mad at them for bringing her up. But because of my anger with her, I took it out on the only people who had ever cared about me. They didn't deserve that, especially Freddie.

Freddie had helped me so much despite how much of a Dick I was to him at first. I stole his bullet and then lied about it. Then I yelled at him when all he was trying to do was give help. I'd have to apologize, to Freddie, he deserved that much.

Throwing myself on Freddie's bed, I shoved my face in between my knees and hands as I fought the tears. Suddenly the door opened slowly, "I don't want to talk," I spat not removing my face from my hands. Whoever it was didn't speak, they came closer. "Billy." It was Mary. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I said, unsure myself.

"Let me see your face," Mary said calmly but sternly. I lifted my face from my hands and turned to face her. She was sitting on the bed with a worried smile on her face.

"Oh, Billy," She said with a frown before she pulled me into a hug.

I didn't like physical contact of any kind, but I couldn't find the strength to pull away. I began letting all the emotions out that I've held for so long — the anger and tears. I cried into Mary's shoulder as she put both arms around me and rubbed my back.

"It's okay," was all Mary said. I lifted my head and looked at her as I attempted to compose myself and not look like a crying mess.

"I'm sorry about downstairs I'll apologize later," I muttered wiping away the last few tears.

Mary gave me a confused look, "What do you have to apologize for?"

"For yelling and getting angry with you guys."

"Billy," Mary said softly putting her hand on my chin and lifting my eyes to hers," You don't have to apologize. I get it we all get it."

"You just had a very traumatic experience with you're Mom we expect you to be angry and you should be," Mary continued.

"I'm more angry at myself then I am at her," I said as the mere thought of it was making me angry again. "It's the 21st century if she wanted to find me she would have," She didn't ."I wasted ten years of my life looking for one person and pushing everyone else away in the process," I said growing angrier with every word.

"Billy, you didn't waste those ten years," Mary said calmly.

"Yes, I did!"

"But you didn't. Think about it if you stopped looking for you're Mom you would have never found us then where would you be," Mary explained carefully.

On the streets with fake memories of my Mom.

I didn't say anything for a few seconds as Mary's eyes and calm expression helped me relax. "I'd be alone."

"Exactly and now you're not, and you never will be, not ever again," Mary said softly.

"Thanks," I quietly said.

"And Billy?" Mary asked.

"Yeah."

"Stop beating yourself up about this. You deserve to have someone care and love you unconditionally it's not your fault you didn't have that at first," Mary explained.

"I know, but I have that now. Right?"

"Yes 100%."