Is There a Doctor in the House?
"Hmmm," Xavier frowned as he went through some paperwork in his study. "More anti-mutant supporters have been elected among the school board. Bayville High may end up banning mutant students after all. And the city is debating whether to conduct an investigation to determine if the Institute poses a danger to the community. The students are growing more anxious and restless every day. The living room needs repairs. The Danger Room needs repairs. Every vehicle at the mansion needs repairs after Kitty's latest attempts at driving lessons," Xavier sighed and rubbed his temples. "I must admit I've feeling rather stressed."
Suddenly, the video phone on his desk snapped to life. "Aggghhh! Not again!" A staticky image of Magneto appeared looking very disheveled. "Those idiots have finally driven me too far! I'll kill them! I'll kill them!"
"What the?" Xavier gasped in surprise. "Magnus? How did you hack into the mansion's private communication network? Explain yourself!"
"Charles?" Magneto turned to look at him in shock. "Oh great! Exactly what I don't need right now: dealing with your self-righteous attitude. On the other hand, at least I can count on you to act reasonable and sane!"
"Huh?" Xavier blinked, confused. "What are you talking about? Is something wrong?"
"What isn't wrong around here?" Magneto hissed in exasperation. "Do you know what those crazy subordinates of mine have done to me this time? Do you? DO YOU?!"
"Uh, no," Xavier was stunned by his old friend's outburst.
"I'll tell you what they've done!" Magneto's eye began to twitch. "I told that fool Pyro to leave my lab alone!"
"Okay," Xavier said slowly.
"I told that fool Pyro it was a flame-free zone!" A vein on Magneto's forehead bulged out. "And then that fool Pyro set light to acetone!"
"Oh dear," Xavier winced reflexively.
"And things went 'Blooey! Boom, pow, pow!'" Magneto ranted. "Cling, clang! Rattle, rattle! Whizz, bang!"
"They went what?" Xavier blinked.
"Blooey! Boom, pow, pow! Cling, clang! Rattle, rattle! Whizz, bang!" Magneto repeated.
"I see," Xavier stared at Magneto's unexpected behavior.
"Blooey! Boom, pow, pow! Cling, clang! Rattle, rattle! Whizz, bang!" Magneto went on accompanied by related crashes and explosions in the background. "Blooey! Boom, pow, pow! Cling, clang! Rattle, rattle! Whizz, bang!"
"I get the picture," Xavier said. "It reminds me of the last time Kitty attempted to make dinner."
"I told those maniacs, 'Stay out of my sanctum!'" Magneto continued grabbing some aspirin. "I told those maniacs, 'On my new door don't drum!' And then those maniacs blew it to kingdom come!"
"Exactly what Kitty's vegetable paella did to the kitchen," Xavier groaned.
"And things went 'Blooey! Boom, pow, pow! Crunch, crash! Shatter, shatter! Poof, smash!" Magneto howled downing aspirin straight from the bottle. "Blooey! Boom, pow, pow! Crunch, crash! Shatter, shatter! Poof, smash!"
"Speaking of which," Xavier winced as the background began to shake.
"Blooey! Boom, pow, pow! Crunch, crash! Shatter, shatter! Poof, smash!" Magento ranted making hand gestures. "Blooey! Boom, pow, pow! Crunch, crash! Shatter, shatter! Poof, smash!"
"Uh, Magnus?" Xavier gulped as part of the ceiling fell down behind Magneto. "Don't you think you'd better see to your charges?"
"What do you think I've been trying to do?" Magneto snapped holding his head. "Now I'd gone out to form a group of deadly mutant fighters! But that turned out to not be very smart!"
"Very smart!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr were heard singing in the background.
"No kidding," Xavier commented.
"For they're fond of playing fool games with explosives and lighters!" Magneto went on. "Intent on tearing the whole place apart!"
"Place apart!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr cheered.
"AGGGHHHHHHHH!" Sabertooth was seen running by covered in flames. "HELP! WATER! WATER! YEEEOOOWWW!"
"Yikes," Xavier gulped. "And I thought my new students were a handful.
"Arrrggghhhhhh!" Magneto cried as more of the base fell to pieces around him. "I told those crazy nuts to stop fooling around! I told those crazy nuts this is not a playground! And then those crazy nuts near burned the whole base down!"
WHOOOOOOOOOSSSHHH!
"Literally," Xavier blanched as a wave of fire seemed to engulf Magneto.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro was heard cackling maniacally.
"And I went, 'Aiiieeeee! Ooh, ow, ow! Sheer pain! Oh, another migraine!'" Magneto wailed hopping around trying to avoid the flames. "Ooh, eee! Ooh, ow, ow! Sheer pain! Oh, another migraine!"
"I told you long ago that a metal helmet was not considered completely fireproof," Xavier sighed. "And was too efficient at conducting heat."
"Aiiieeeee! Ooh, ow, ow! Sheer pain! Oh, another migraine!" A trio of elder mutant voices were heard shrieking in pain. "Ooh, eee! Ooh, ow, ow! Sheer pain! Oh, another migraine!"
"Who is that?" Xavier's forehead wrinkled in curiosity. "I recognize Erik's screams and Sabertooth's agonizing cries, but who is the third one?"
"The antics of these crazy nuts are costing me a fortune!" Magneto emerged from the flames with his uniform covered in scorch marks. "While proving they're all empty in the brain!"
"In the brain!" Pyro was heard laughing.
"I'll take your word for it," Xavier gulped.
"From their chaos and shear madness I wish I was immune!" Magneto wailed. "As they are quickly driving me insane!"
"Drive insane!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr sang happily.
FLOOOOOOOOOM!
"Wow. That is a lot of firefighting foam," Xavier gaped as a torrent of foam flooded the screen. "Though I've never seen pink and glitterized kind before. And are those rubber duckies bobbing in it?"
"Bleah!" Magneto spat while being bonked on the head by rubber duckies. "I swear those lunatics will be the death of me!"
"YAAAHHHHHHHHH! OUTTA MY WAY!" Sabertooth ran by while being chased by a giant steam, floor-scrubbing machine.
"Hahahahaha!" Remy cackled driving said machine.
"I hope one of these days they'll stop acting crazy!" Magneto prayed.
"I wouldn't count on it," Xavier sighed.
"YAYAYAYAYA!" Piotr and Pyro frolicked amongst the foam while dueling each other with giant stuffed swordfish.
"I fear I'm stuck with them for all eternity!" Magneto blinked in realization. "Oh no, no! Why me? Why, why, why? Help! Please! Somebody save me!"
"What was that?" Xavier asked as the screen began to flicker intermittently.
"WAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The mysterious voice was heard wailing again. "Why me? Why, why, why? Help! Please! Somebody save me!"
"I'd consider it," Xavier looked puzzled. "If I had any idea who you are."
"YAHOOOOOO!" Pyro whooped tossing rubber duckies everywhere while managing to set part of the foam on fire.
"Not again!" Magneto cried floundering among the madness. "Why me? Why, why, why? Help! Please! Somebody save me! Why me? Why, why, why? Help! Please! Somebody save me!"
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Sabertooth howled as Remy ran over him with the floor-scrubbing machine.
"Blooey! Boom, pow, pow! Cling, clang! Rattle, rattle! Whizz, bang!" Various shouts and screams rang out as the madness endlessly raged about. "Aiiieeeee! Ooh, ow, ow! Sheer pain! Oh, another migraine! Why me? Why, why, why? Help! Please! Somebody save me! Blooey! Boom, pow, pow! Crunch, crash! Shatter, shatter! Poof, smash!"
The video phone abruptly winked out. A stunned Xavier stared at it for a full minute. "Well, that was certainly unexpected."
"Charles? Are you busy?" Ororo entered the study. "Hank and I were going over the Institute's latest repair and grocery bills and…why are you smiling?"
"Oh, no reason," Xavier said. "Just thinking how thankful I am for my students. Knowing that however difficult and stressful they or my life may be, others have it a great deal worse."
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Witch Doctor".