Trigger warning for self harm and suicide.

Set in season 1. As much as I like Iris and Barry together in the show I also don't like that they're pretty much siblings. So they're gonna have a brother/sister relationship.

Barry was always running. Everyone knew that, in school it was from bullies. After his moms death it was from the man in yellow and still bullies. High school, it was his thoughts more than anything else.

Once he started working for the ccpd it was still his thoughts, not the same thoughts as before. He never told anyone. He knew Joe would try and get him into therapy, Barry had only just gotten out of that. So he kept it to himself.

After the coma, he found out he could run at the speed of light. He found it ironic that the superpower he got was super speed since he had always been running.

He wanted more than anything to tell Iris. He knew it was a bad idea for her to know. The less people who know the better. And she doesn't have to always worry that he's going to get hurt again.

Doctor Wells, Caitlin and Cisco didn't say anything about the scars on his wrists, arms and thighs after treating him. They acted like they weren't even there.

Which he was glad about.

He was currently in his lab. He was working normal speed on a case him, Joe and captain Singh had been working on for a few days.

"Hey Allen you finished that report yet?" Singh asked as he walked in the room.

Shit. I knew I was forgetting something.

"Not yet. Sorry captain, I'm going over samples from the crime scene," Barry said as he stood up looking for the file David had given him earlier that day.

"This what you're looking for?" He asked, Barry turned around to see him pick up his coffee cup and then the folder that the coffee been sitting on top of.

"Yeah thanks. I'll get right on that, I'll bring it down as soon as I can."

Barry saw the look on the captains face when his sleeve rolled up a tiny bit as he took the folder back. Barry hoped he hadn't seen but by his next words he knew he had.

"Take your time Barry," he said, more friendly than usual before walking back out the room.

Barry sighed as he sat back down. He never calls him Barry. He opened the folder and begin the report. He flashed through it but left it on his desk before flashing through everything else he had to do.

Once all that was done he picked the folder up and walked out the room. He got a few "hey Barry," from a few officers when he walked past them.

He mostly ignored them and just carried on to the captains office. He knocked before opening the door.

"Allen, you finished?"

"Yeah," he said shyly hoping he'd forgotten about earlier as he handed the file over.

"Thank you," he said looking over it quickly as Barry went to open the door. "Not so fast Barry. I want to talk, sit down."

Barry done what he was told, knowing to the officers outside it wouldn't look good. He never really sat down and spoke to the captain.

"What's going on?"

"Just wanted to ask if your alright. I saw the scars on your wrist."

"That's nothing don't worry about it.."

"I know what that is. That's not nothing," the captain interrupted, he sounded worried.

"I've not done it in years, not since I was in collage."

"It's still serious Barry, we have someone here that you can talk to whenever you know that. If you need to talk about that or anything else that's affecting you mentally you go talk to her alright? She won't tell me what you've said just that you've spoken to her."

"Thank you, but I'm fine."

"Alright Allen," David sighed.

He doesn't believe me.

"You can head out early as long as you've finished your work for today."

"Thank you captain."

Barry stood up and walked out the room. He didn't say anything as he walked back up the stairs. He got his bag which had his flash suit in and walked back down the stairs towards the elevator.

He made it out and to Star Labs before beginning to get changed.

"Your early," Cisco said as he looked up from the monitor where he had been watching a movie and eating twizzlers.

"Singh let me go early," he said as he took his shirt off.

That had been the only time he noticed a slight look from one of the three about the scars on his wrists or upper arms. Causing him to finish changing using his speed.

"Anything happening?" He asked as Cisco stopped his movie.

"There's a suicide attempt currently at the top of a building," Cisco said, Barry heard the uncertainty in his voice like he wasn't sure it was a good idea for Barry to go.

"Alright give me directions."

Barry followed Cisco's instructions, by the time he got there police and paramedics were already there. He ran up to the top and turned his coms off.

"Hey, what's your name?" Barry asked softly not wanting to startle him.

"Holy shit your the flash?" He sounded slightly happy, but it didn't last. "You could be out there saving people who deserve it, just leave me."

"I'm not gonna do that, you deserve to be saved."

"This is the only way."

"I've thought the same thing before, trust me it isn't. It gets better, this isn't the answer."

"I'm sorry flash, but this time it is."

"No," Barry said quietly as he tried to catch him.

But Barry couldn't move. He couldn't do anything. He was frozen.

All he could do was watch as the man lent forward.

By the time he could move, the man was dead.

Over the next couple weeks his thoughts got worse again. He didn't go to work, which resulted in a lot of phone calls from Singh and Joe which went unanswered as he lay in his bed.

So did the knock at his door about two hours after his shift started.

Though he heard his door began to unlock and he began regretting not putting the chain on last his.

"Barr? You here?" He heard joe shout.

He stayed quiet and just sighed. He knew he could flash out the house before he would notice him. But he didn't see any point in that.

"Barr?" He shouted again before opening his bedroom door. "Barry. You okay?"

He stayed quiet as his foster father walked over and crouched down next to his bed.

"What's wrong?"

"Just tired," he said with no emotion in his voice.

"What's going on?"

Barry felt bad, he didn't like worrying Joe, so he decided to lie. Like usual.

"I'm fine, I just didn't get a lot of sleep. I only just woke up when I heard the door open."

"As long as your sure that's it, come on and get ready. You missed a meeting."

"Okay," he sighed, he watched as Joe took some clothes out his closet and put them on the end of his bed.

"I'll made you something for breakfast while you get ready," Joe said before walking out the room.

Barry reluctantly got up and out of bed. He considered having a shower. But he didn't he took his pyjamas off and quickly dressed in the jeans Joe picked out. He put the shirt on the floor and picked up a star labs sweater.

He tried to ignore the scars as he pulled the sweater over his head. The urge to made more became stronger than it had been in years.

He walked out his room and into his kitchen. He picked up one of Cisco's calorie bars and got his shoes on.

"You not having anything else?"

"Nah one of Cisco's bars will be enough."

"Alright," Joe sighed as he picked his car keys of the counter where he threw them and followed him out the door.

"How did you get in? I don't remember giving you a key."

"I spoke to your landlord, said I was worried about you so he unlocked the door for me."

"Can I just run there?"

"I told Singh I'd bring you in."

Barry just sighed as got in the passenger seat and looked out the window as Joe began driving. He wanted to run, he wanted to be alone.

Once he got to work he went straight to Singh's office. He closed the door behind him and sat down.

"What's going on Barry? You said you were fine but the way your acting, your worrying everyone."

"I'm fine, really. No one needs to worry."

"Multiple officers have come to me saying their worried, that your acting different. Your presenting differently, your work and yourself."

"I really am fine, I'm just not sleeping too good. I'm sorry I'll do better."

"No no." Singh stood up, walked around his desk and lent against the front. "That's not what I'm trying to say Barry. All I'm requesting is that you talk to Doctor Edwards. Or you take a few weeks off."

"You want to get rid of me?"

"No. Not at all, you the best csi I've met. I just want to make sure your not pushing yourself."

Barry didn't want to see another shrink, but he didn't want to take time off work even more.

"I'll go see her. I guess. Just don't tell Joe, please."

"I won't.."

"Thank you."

"But I think you should," Singh continued.

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"I've already put him through so much crap. I can't keep doing that."

"I'm not going to tell you what to do about that, I think you should tell him. But it's your decision. I'll let you go now, go see Dr Edwards about getting an appointment then get to work."

"Alright," Barry said as he stood up.

"And Barry," he said causing him to stop at the door. "You can talk to me if you need someone."

"Thank you."

"That's alright."

Barry gave him a slight smile before leaving the room. He got a few worried looks from a couple officers on his way out. He was just glad the psychiatrist office was on the same floor as his lab.

After walking up the stairs he walked in the opposite direction than his lab. He knocked on her door waiting for an answer before walking in.

"Barry, how are you?" She asked, joy in her voice and giving him a smile.

"Singh said I should see you," he said quietly, she motioned for him to sit in the seat across from her.

"Why does he think that?"

Barry wasn't sure he wanted to talk, he didn't like talking. He didn't like shrinks.

"You can trust me Barry, everything is confidential unless I think your a threat to yourself."

"I guess that makes sense. He uhh..he said I've been acting different."

"Okay. I don't think that's everything but it's a good start," she said as she opened her notebook.

He watched as she wrote his name at the top of the page.

"He...he found out the other day that I..that I used to uhh.." Barry sighed and stood up. "You know what it doesn't matter. I'll just take the time off."

"Barry wait!" She shouted as she stood up.

But it was too late. He was already on his way downstairs walking towards David's office.