I adjusted my red, silk smooth hair and practiced a smile at the mirror. A sigh escaped my lips the second after, and I couldn't keep my eyes from rolling at how pathetic I looked.
As if I could smile, act cool or just be normal in front of Harry. Knowing myself the way I did, my face would heat up instantly, I would step on my own feet, fall to the ground and make myself look like an even bigger fool to him.
Harry always made me nervous, and I had no trouble admitting that. After all, I had grown up listening to his story before he was aware of what he did as a baby. Then, to further increase my admiration, I had heard about his adventures from Ron and the twins - Percy didn't really pronounce himself much, but even he liked The Boy Who Lived, which was saying a lot. Harry was out of this world - and yet, somehow, a part of mine.
And after what had happened the previous year, I couldn't help but feel grateful - and guilty. If it weren't for him, I would be dead. And if it wasn't for me, no one would have been at risk the way they had been - including him.
I had absolutely no idea how to redeem myself, and there was no way I could simply put it behind my back. Even if I tried, my family would make sure I couldn't forget it.
Maybe I should get bangs, I thought to myself, glancing at myself one last time before exiting the bathroom. It took me a few years to realize how that idea was deeply connected to my level of teen angst and how lucky I was that my mother talked me out of it.
The Leaky Cauldron wasn't busy that morning - the Weasly family literally made up over fifty percent of the affluence - so it was easy to spot him from a distance. Hermione and Ron were all over him, laughing and asking and sharing and telling. His green eyes shifted between the two of them, amused and joyful, before meeting mine.
He smiled in my direction and I waved at him. His smile was genuine and kind. If there was any sort of concern, he hid it pretty well - and that felt refreshing, after the summer I'd spent.
Before I could even consider approaching them, Harry moved in my direction. I held my breath, my heart racing and my mind panicking a little bit. What would I say? Curiously enough, we hadn't exactly spoken since the incident, and I didn't know what would be the best course of action. Should I apologize, thank him, pretend nothing happened? Would he want me to address the Basilisk in the room, or did he want to play it cool?
"Hi, Harry."
That was a start.
"How've you been?" I ventured.
"Well... I just ran away from my uncle's because I blew up his sister. "he mused.
"That's what we call a casual Wednesday at The Burrow." I tried to joke, regretting it as soon as I heard myself. Harry, on the other hand, laughed.
"Yeah, I can imagine the twins have done worse. " He smiled. I could feel my cheeks changing colour, and I looked at the floor in hopes that my hair would hide my face.
For some reason, Harry was also blushing. I had never taken him for someone shy.
" What about you?" he asked casually.
"Harry, can I steal you for a second?"
My father appeared out of nowhere. Harry gave me a quick look. I shrugged and smiled, letting him know, silently, that it was okay.
Dad put his hand on Harry's shoulder, leading him to a separate room.
"Is this about Sirius Black?" I heard the green eyed boy ask in the distance.
The door closed behind them, keeping the answer a secret.
I tried to keep my goodbyes short and quick. As I rushed towards the Express, mum's voice stopped me.
I looked at her over my shoulder.
"Please be careful. " she begged, her eyes tearing up. "I know your brothers will look after you, but if something happens..."
"Mum, " I replied, trying my best to remain patient. I knew it was out love. I knew she was worried and scared. But no one knew how sick and tired I was of being handled like I was made out of crystal - weak and fragile. "I can take care of myself."
"I..." she hesitated. I knew what she wanted to say. I had heard it over and over again, from her, my dad and my brothers, in many different ways. She wasn't so sure I would be safe on my own.
"I love you too." I told her, smiling. She smiled back, and nodded, without finishing her sentence.
With a wave, I got into the train.
I took the first seat available in an empty compartment and let out a frustrated sigh. I closed my eyes, and for a second I tried to imagine how different my life would be if I hadn't written in that goddamned diary in the first place. I wondered if I'd have everyone's trust, whether I would have actually made friends in my first year, whether I would have been allowed to enjoy my time in Egypt without having Percy checking if I was still with the family every three seconds.
I heard a knock.
"Hermione," I sat up straight and pat the seat next to me "come in."
"How are you?" She asked, with a concerned smile. "Do you have a headache or something? I think I know a spell that may help."
"I'm just... Working some things out." I shook my head. "I'm okay, considering. And you?"
"What do you mean, considering?"
"Considering how everyone sees me." I confessed. "As if I'm a risk to myself and others. As if I'm a child who doesn't know any better. As if I'm... a walking disaster. I'm sorry, I'm not any better at analogies than I am at making people believe I'm okay, I guess."
My last sentence made her chuckle.
"I'm sorry. I know your family is... intense. But you know they only want the best for you, right?"
"Yeah, but... I mean, you know how Ron is, normally. Can you imagine how he was this summer? He wouldn't even let me go to the loo without asking me where I was headed. There was one night I even asked if joining me would make him feel safer and, I swear by Merlim's beard, for a moment there he hesitated to give me an answer!"
Hermione laughed again. She gave me her hand and looked me in the eyes.
"I promise you, people don't think of you that way. Ron... Is a bit... Let's go with dramatic. But he'll get over it." Her voice was warm and comforting.
I knew the reason who had began to talk was my brother, but she had become a very good friend very quickly. And I knew she cared about me and respected me. I was even confident she didn't blame me for what happened the year before, and that knowing it was me opening the Chamber of Secrets hadn't made her think any less of me.
We spoke for a bit longer. She told me about her summer in France, all the subjects she had enrolled on for the upcoming year - more than I thought possible, but what did I know? - and we spent some time commenting on Percy and how ridiculous he acted when he was trying to impress Penelope.
"Hermione?" I jumped in my seat at the sound of Harry's voice. "Me and Ron..."
"Ron and I." she corrected, but Harry proceeded as if he hadn't listened.
"Saved you a seat in another compartment... There's another guy there, but he's asleep."
She got up and looked at me, gesturing me to come along. Harry seemed to only notice my presence at that point.
"I'm sorry, but there's something I need to tell you guys... And it's better if it's only the three of us." he looked in my direction. "Sorry, Ginny."
I faked a smile, which fell flat as soon as he turned his back on me. Hermione gave me an understanding and pitiful look, before leaving.
A few Ravenclaws sat in the compartment and made small talk, before starting to gossip about people I had never heard about before. At some point, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to doze off.
I woke up with the Ravenclaws raising their voice. I opened the eyes to see that the lights were out. A quick glance at the window made me realize the train had stopped. It was dark - the night had fallen without me noticing.
"What's going on?" I asked one of them.
She shrugged and blurted out the possibility of something being on the tracks.
"Wait... Are those... No, it can't be." A brunette was staring out the window. "Those look like... dementors."
At that point, a hooded figure passed by the window. What happened afterwards is still very confusing to me - not only because of how fast it happened, but because I think I may have gone into some sort of shock.
The temperature seemed to go down drastically; I hugged myself, shaking. And then, it was as if an aggressive wave of sadness and despair was washing over me - or better yet, drowning me.
Memories, voices, flashes - everything swirled at the back of my brain, and I could do nothing to stop it. Tom Riddle's neat calligraphy responding to my confessions, the Basilisk hissing in my ears, the smell of Mrs Norris's blood, Hermione petrified in the Hospital Wing. The guilt, the shame, the sadness - all of it, taking over me, filling up my spirit.
"Yasmin, look!"
I felt a pair of hands in my shoulders.
"It's the dementors." I could hear the brunette's voice, as if she stood meters away. "I'll go get help."
"I've seen her with Hermione Granger."
I don't know how much time passed. But later, I was back in the compartment. Someone had covered me with their own robe, and one of the girls was holding my hand and looking at me worried.
Yasmin came back with Hermione.
"I believe the dementors affected her." she was explaining to my friend.
"Yeah, Harry also fainted..." she muttered, shooing the other girl away and taking her place next to me. "Professor Lupin is taking care of him."
The lights were back, the train back in motion - as if nothing had happened to begin with.
I was still shaking, and my reflection in the window showed me how pale I was. I began to cry, and Hermione hugged me.
She gave me a piece of chocolate and comforted me the rest of the way. When I asked about Harry, she told me not to worry - and that I should be more concerned about Ron once we arrived.
AN: One of the things that holds me back while writing is my constant need to edit and change stuff - which means I write two pages and end deleting them right after. So I decided I'm just going to ignore my "inner editor" in the first stages. Once I finish the story, I will then properly edit this "manuscript". In the meantime, please feel free to comment, suggest and correct!
Hope you enjoy and have as much fun reading as I do writing!