Junie B. Jones and the Drunk-ed Tractor Ride
Chapter 1: My Experience with Beverages
My name is Junie B. Jones. The "B" stands for *BUUUUUUUURRRRRPPP!* Sorry, I'm still a bit drunk. Earlier for my B-Day, my Grandpa Frank Miller gave me this huge car that you drive in farms. Frank was calling it a "tractor", but I just called it a tall giant car drived in farms.
Anyway, did I mention I was Junie *Burp* Jones? I don't think I did *hiccup!* tell you who I was. Oh well! I also don't know what the F-Bomb means. But other than that, I'm so flippin' fine, all right?! I am not drunk, I lied at the beginning! I still don't know what the F-Word is but ok.
Mother then yells at Frank and Helen (My weird and ancient, say, since this whole "Big Bang" scenario, Grandmother) "SHE'S NOT EVEN 15 YET, DUM-DUMS!" So that's when I sneaked out some of Daddy's old Bud Lights, Sierra Nevadas, and Coronas (No not Coronavirus, and I can tell you I've NOT been tested positive for it!), and then I drunk 'em all up, gave a loud BUUUUUUUUUUURRRPP and I hope Mother didn't notice. Turns out she didn't.
So then, I snuck outside, and my dog, who I gave the stupidest name of all: Tickle, started to, get ready, wait for it: curl up into a ball and started snorting as if he was on
Coca-Cola powder. That's when I went outside, got into that tall giant car that you drive in farms, and drove into the sunset. Then I drove into Lucille's gigantic rich-person house. It then occurred to me that I was about to have what Daddy calls: a hangover.
I threw up on Lucille's million dollar couch. Thank god Lucille wasn't home yet; she must've gone out to do her nighttime shopping with her Nana. "I don't want Junie Jones to come into my house, Mwom!" I heard someone say. Turns out, this was Bossy May's house, and her brother, Mean Old Jim, started to come searching upstairs for his swim trunks.
Then, he screamed, cuz I was wearing a freaky Jason Hockey Mask. "What is it?!" Shouted May's Mwom. "Freddy Krueger's in here!" Shouted Jim. I made a big mistake and took off the mask and collapsed on the vomit bed. "Eww, Junie Jones, I'm callin' yo mama!" Said May's Mom. I couldn't hear anything, cuz I was in a food coma for a couple of hours.
Next thing I knew, it was 3:00 AM back in my own non-vomit bed. "What in the Sam Hill is this?" I said out loud. "Jeez mom why does my head hurt so badly?!" Ma came running upstairs and shouted, "SHUT UP JUNIE B.! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP! IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO TELL ME?! IS THERE A MONSTER UNDER YA BED AGAIN?!" "I think my memory has gone wrong, and there has NOT been a monster under my bed but if there is, get the broom immediately! Cuz you did that to a roach once and you are excellent at it!"
Mwahahaha! Said a voice. I don't wanna know who the heck it is.
END OF CHAPTER 1