Previous note to the last version
To all of you who already know some of my stories, most likely The Leopard, it will come as a surprise that I'm not publishing yet the end of the series, The Unexpected Goddess, and instead, I'm rewriting my first long story, the first entry in the Infinite Loop series.
The truth is that even though TUG is already fully developed before I started to actually write it, I read this story again in order to avoid retcons and keep the story fresh in my mind. After all, I started writing it two and a half years ago and developing the plot a lot earlier.
I always kept that idea from back when I wrote it, like I was not at all satisfied with the first two chapters, and that from the third on I started feeling more comfortable. Reality is far more cruel (a total bitch, in fact) than my memory. When I read it again, I come across the fact that the first two chapters are really poor, and the rest is way worse than I remembered. Some scenes just don't work (or at least the way I intended to), others can be improved and in many, I feel like I've fallen short, like the story behind the words is stronger than what's really being said.
I don't think The Leopard is "well" written, but I sincerely think it's superior to Numb. Nor do I believe that Numb is an absolute waste, there are parts of which I remain very satisfied with the final result ... others not so much, and unfortunately the latter are in greater numbers.
Unfortunately, I have dropped a fully developed story and several half-developed ideas for lack of time. My plan from the beginning was to finish TUG and then gradually improve Numb, as my last effort in writing. However, these plans were modified when I realized that Numb needed many improvements. Infinite Loop is the kind of series that you need to read every part of it to fully grasp the whole story. I thought about those of you who will, maybe, read Numb coming from the Leopard or TUG (when published). I thought it was very unfair that you read a worse version of the story when, after a short time a version that I believe to be better was going to be published and probably mostly ignored, so I decided first to improve this story and then TUG.
This story is lost in the backlog of this fandom, so (and forgive me for that) I will refloat the story when the chapter numbers keep adding up, so that you know that it's been rewritten and if anyone's interested, offer them the chance to read it.
I'm not aiming at writing a masterpiece, not even in the limited confines of this fandom. I wouldn't know how. My writing skills are very limited, and if I'm here, it's only because of the tremendous affection I have for these characters. That said, I'm going to try to make Numb better.
For those of you who have already read it, you might want to do it again and discover a story that is essentially the same, but that includes more scenes and general changes and improvements. For the newcomers, welcome to this little world, a world that I have created so that Max and Chloe can be happy for a long time... and I mean a long, long time, but all in good time, because you might not know it yet, but we all have our little role in this story and some of you will be surprised. In the meantime, this is the first part of the four into which my story is divided.
To all of you, from a part of me that writes a little (just a little) better than 2017 me, let me introduce you to Numb.
Chapter one: A farewell and a half.
September 2, 2013. Mid-morning.
Max looked out of the passenger window, focusing on the environment around her.
The leaves of the trees were still displaying summer colors. There were a few weeks left before they began mutating to the brown, red and orange tones that she appreciated so much. Max's artistic eye loved that time of the year, the tonalities of light and the reflections on the autumn leaves were not only perfect for her photographic style, but also they provided a pleasant, soothing vibe. The fall brought a nostalgic atmosphere that had always attracted her during her childhood—a feeling she had never experienced again in Seattle, and now, a few miles from returning to the one place she had always considered home. That foresight comforted her.
Beside her, her father kept his eyes fixed on the road and his hands on the wheel, as he always instructed her to do.
Her mother had stayed in Seattle, this decision, far from coming from Max, had been agreed by her parents, and only later they had casually mentioned it to her. Max had not raised any objection, in fact, she preferred it. Although, it had nothing to do with her not getting along with her mother. On the contrary, in the last few years, she had discovered how important she was to her parents—to both of them. Maybe her parents had decided it for different reasons than hers or maybe, once again, they were thinking alike. It didn't matter anymore, because they were driving to Arcadia Bay and a new chapter in her life was about to start.
The trip from the Caulfield residence to Arcadia Bay was estimated to be about six hours, including mandatory stops to eat and visit the toilet. Instead of using the more scenic coastal route, Ryan who had never driven back to Oregon since they had moved five years earlier, and being a big fan of Stephen King, decided to use the interstate for the reason that it traversed a city called Castle Rock, because Hey, I'm the one driving and if there's a Paris- TX it turns out there's also a Castle Rock -WA and this is as close as I'm going to get to Maine, so buckle up, cause we have a long way to go.
At each stop (including the longer one at Castle Rock where to Ryan's disappointment he could find zero references to Stephen King) Max took the chance to snap several pictures, most of them consisting of selfies with different backgrounds. Taking advantage of the fact that she was still in a good mood, Ryan dared to ask what little difference any spot could make from another if the subject of the pictures was always Max herself. Needless to say, the artistic vein in the Caulfields ran on the feminine side. Max in particular had been taking photography very seriously for a long time. Her father was well aware of this circumstance, so, while understanding there was indeed a reason, he went ahead and asked the question only to pester his daughter.
Except for a couple more cheerful incidents of the same fashion, most of the journey consisted of light talk.
Neither of them wanted to address the issue behind the whole Max-returning-to-Arcadia-Bay situation. Ryan for fear of troubling his daughter and Max… well, because she was Max. From the moment they took the last detour to their destination, the conversation decayed, and as they were approaching Arcadia Bay, Max sank deeper into her usual introspection. Her father was not concerned With the years, he had learned to respect his daughter's ways, so he just focused on driving. Clearly (very clearly in fact) Max was concerned. He knew it, and she knew she could count on him whatever it was. It was enough for both of them. When she was ready, she would speak.
By the time they arrived at Blackwell's parking lot, she had been silent for over 20 minutes. Ryan killed the engine and took a close look at his daughter, lost in her own thoughts as she looked out the window with a longing gaze.
"We are here."
Max came out of her trance and delicately turned her head until she met the expectant stare of her father. She stared back at him for a short time, unable to answer as she tried to control the myriad of emotions that piled up inside her. Like so many times before, in a gesture that had become a social getaway, Max bowed her head and took a deep breath before finding her father's gaze again and answered, "Finally."
The true meaning behind their words was not lost for either of them, but as it has already been established, between them there was no need for further clarification.
"Come on, let's get down to business, you've brought half the house with you… plus the guitar."
"Plus the guitar… right" Max drew a half-smile as she got out of the car.
Logical distribution of tasks led Max to be left alone in her room unpacking boxes while her father made round trips to and from the car carrying those boxes by hand. Ryan began strong, confident, but the journey from the parking lot to the dorms, loaded with bulky boxes, felt longer than it first looked. In addition, the last stretch of the way was accompanied by a couple of devastating flights of stairs, so the gap between each trip began to grow larger, and each new unloading of boxes was accompanied by an assortment of snorts and grievances.
It was during one of those gaps that Max heard a soft knock on her door and raised her head to find a girl smiling shyly at her from the threshold, definitely not daring to enter her private space without permission.
"Oh, hi," Max said as she got up, a bit taken aback.
"Hello," answered the girl. "My name is Kate, Kate Marsh, I'm your neighbor, my room is 222."
"Max Caulfield," she replied as she dropped off the package she was unwrapping in the same box she had taken it from. Nothing else happened for a few seconds. The girl stared at her with a gentle smile on her face without setting foot in her room. "Oh, right," Max finally said as she realized what was going on, "please come in."
Without a word and keeping the same warm smile, the girl entered the room and extended her hand towards Max "I just wanted to introduce myself and welcome you to Blackwell." A slight inflection in her voice and an even lighter bowed head were the only gestures that denoted that the girl was forcing herself out of her shell to be nice. These small gestures were quickly identified by Max. "I also wanted to tell you that I've been around for a couple of days, in case you want me to help you become acquainted with the facilities."
Max carefully considered the girl. Her blonde hair was tied up in a bun. She dressed in a very conservative fashion, but the most noticeable feature was the beautiful golden cross hanging from her neck—outside the shirt, with no intention of concealing it.
Max must have been staring too long because, without dropping her smile, Kate lowered her gaze towards her cross and lifted it up. "It's so obvious, isn't it? The thing is, this is me. I'm not hiding, but I don't expect anyone to share my beliefs. You seem nice, and we can be friends regardless of our different approach to religion...I mean, as long as you're not a devil worshipper. Are you?"
"No!" Max replied immediately, raising her voice. "Do I look...?"
Kate's giggles interrupted her complaint and Max blushed realizing that she was teasing her. "I'm sorry, don't be mad at me… you should have seen your face, though."
"I know," Max replied, joining in the chuckles. "You see I'm not very good with people, I thought you were seriously asking."
"You never shook my hand," Kate finally said. "Come on, now officially… I'm Kate Marsh, your room neighbor."
"Max Caulfield, not a demon worshipper," Max replied as she softly shook Kate's hand. "And about your offer, as soon as I have the room slightly decent, I'll be more than pleased if you show me around."
Kate smiled again, and Dog, it was a lovely smile. "Do you like tea?"
A little later, the room was beginning to take shape, still, far from what would be considered decent, when Ryan came stomping into the room and heavily unloaded a couple of boxes "the last two, we're done" .
"Do you want to sit down and get some rest?"
"No, I'd rather get going, I've got a long way back home." Seeing that his daughter said nothing, Ryan hesitated for a second before adding, "Would you walk me to the car?"
"And why wouldn't I?" she replied in an equally hesitant tone.
"Well, for one thing, it's your first day here, and you're almost eighteen. I wouldn't want to embarrass you."
Max looked at her father with an almost condescending expression before she took the room keys and gestured to her father to go ahead. "You know I don't care about that."
The two Caulfields walked to the car in silence. Once there, Ryan, not being able to avoid taking a look around, hugged her daughter tight. "Max…" he began to say before feeling a lump in his throat.
"I know, Dad, I know."
"Yes," he replied, "the beginning of new adventures for you."
"Right," Max replied laconically, but her reddened eyes said much more than any word could.
"I gotta go now. I… just… you know you can count on us."
Ryan stood there, staring at his daughter as she walked back to the dorms until she disappeared from sight, before stepping into the car and starting the engine. As soon as he drove out of Blackwell's parking lot, he felt an uneasiness taking hold of him. As he passed through the streets of Arcadia Bay, his discomfort increased. The last five years in the life of the Caulfields, particularly Max, had not been easy, and they all had to support each other to get through. Ryan had talked a lot, and about many issues, with his daughter, so had Vanessa. Still, one tumultuous thought lingered in his mind and would not leave his head
Stopped at a traffic light, just before he left town, Ryan made up his mind. After making sure that no car was coming in his direction, he swerved and dialed his daughter's number.
"Dad, it's something wrong?" Max answered the phone, concerned.
"No, everything's fine, but I need to talk to you. I'm driving back to Blackwell, can you meet me in the parking lot in 10 minutes, please?"
"Sure, but you're worrying me."
"There's nothing to worry about… just, there's something I should have told you a long time ago."
Unknown date, 2.008
Vanessa looked at the clock for the fifth time that morning. She had been awake for a long time, rolling up in bed and not getting much rest, if any. Beside her, her husband, usually calmer and a good sleeper, had also spent a rough night. The two adults, abandoning all hope of falling asleep, turned around to face each other.
"We can't push it any further."
Ryan raised himself slightly and looked at his wife. Bloat-faced, she was no doubt making an effort to hide the fact that she had spent the night crying. "We've probably fucked it up enough already," he said without further ceremony.
"Oh man," Vanessa replied with a broken voice, "this is a total mess. It was bad as it was, and then this son of a bitch kills Bill… poor Chloe. Max is gonna hate us."
"Don't think about it. I know you're going to blame yourself for Max's pain, but you know as well as I do that we did everything we possibly could to stay. We ran out of options, there's no other way."
"It just… it breaks my heart, Chloe is like another daughter to me, even more so since what happened to her, and we're gonna wreck these two girls' lives."
"Don't cry," Ryan said while hugging his wife. "It's not your fault."
"I know," she said between sobs. "That doesn't make me feel any better."
Ryan ran his hand over his wife's back trying to console her without much success. "They're young. They've got their whole lives to live. They'll be fine."
"You know we should be supporting Joyce, and you should be doubling as Chloe's father. That is what Bill would have wanted."
Unable to provide an appropriate answer, Ryan limited himself to continue comforting his wife, while striving to contain his own tears. "I'll talk to her, you've been through enough."
Max got up even a little earlier than usual. As a norm, on weekends, she would get up relatively early, have breakfast with her parents (the only condition they placed on her) and leave for Chloe's house not to return until Sunday afternoon. Since Bill's accident, she sacrificed staying a little longer in bed to spend more time with Chloe, so that Saturday, apparently a day of no greater importance than any other, Max came down the stairs, still drowsy, totally unaware that she was going to face a situation that would permanently mark her life.
"Good morning everyone," she said between yawns, sitting down in her chair.
Her parents were sitting in front of her, clutching their coffee mugs in silence. A full plate of untouched pancakes laid in front of them.
Ryan cleared his throat "Um, Max… we need to have a word with you… there is really no easy way around it."
Max looked up from her breakfast, alarmed "Is Chloe all right?"
"Yes, yes… Chloe's fine."
Vanessa clenched her fists under the table, trying to portray a calmness she lacked. Of course, she had asked about Chloe. The first thought that came to her mind, not her parents, not anyone else in her family, not even herself, just Chloe.
"So, what's going on?" she asked in confusion, as if the fact that her friend was fine ensured that any other consideration was not a serious issue at all.
"I'd better go straight to the point, Max, our economic situation is not good. It's actually far from being. Your mother hasn't worked in a while and my job doesn't pay nearly enough for the whole family. We understand your situation, and we understand what Chloe is going through. But we've almost consumed our savings. I ask you to please believe us when we tell you we've tried everything, but we don't have a way out in Arcadia Bay. We really don't."
"What do you mean?" Max replied, frowning without fully understanding where the conversation was headed.
Vanessa took her husband's hand in her own and gave him a look of assent, trying to infuse him with courage.
"Some time ago, we made the decision to look for work outside Arcadia Bay. Initially, we tried in Portland looking to be as close as possible, but gradually we had to expand the range… our mother has received a very good job offer. She will be able to support us and I will have more chances in such a big city."
"Big city?"
"Yes, it's not Portland, but it's the nearest big city. We'll be a few hours drive away."
"I don't understand," Max said, looking alternately at both parents. "What are you talking about?"
"It's Seattle, honey," Vanessa spoke eagerly as she leaned toward her daughter. "We have discarded better opportunities to stay closer. We already have a house and it's big, with a spare guest room for when Chloe comes over."
"Moving, you're talking about moving?" Max kept looking at both her parents, incredulous.
"Yes, we know the timing is horrible and we should have told you before, but the truth is… we didn't know how to. we're sorry. We really are."
"Mom, when?"
Ryan rushed to answer in fear of his wife's meltdown, "Next Sunday. On Monday, your mother starts her new job. You have all this week to… "
"Dad, Mom, please don't."
"We're very sorry. Your father and I had given it a lot of thought, we have no other choice. I understand you won't see it like that, but it's the only way out we have."
Max looked at them as tears streamed down her cheeks, with her voice affected by the crying she left her parents speechless, "I'm gonna miss you."
Vanessa looked at her husband searching for answers, he shrugged not knowing what to say. An uncomfortable silence settled in the dining room for a few moments until Ryan spoke again, "Pumpkin, what do you mean you're gonna miss us?"
"Seattle. You're going to Seattle." Max was still crying inconsolably.
Both parents looked at each other, their eyes open in pure astonishment. Ryan could not help but curse in a very low voice. Luckily for him, Vanessa and Max had enough going on in their heads not to notice his words, since they definitely weren't appropriate to be said out loud in front of a 13-year-old girl.
"The whole family is moving to Seattle. Max, you are coming with us." Her father said after, barely, recovering his voice.
"No." The answer was categorical, not a thread of doubt poking through the tone. Most certainly, her priorities were clear.
"You're only 13 and you don't even have a place to stay."
"Of course I do. I'll stay and live with Chloe. She'll be thrilled."
"Max, look… no matter how many times we tell you we're sorry, we both know it won't be enough, but now you must listen to us and understand what we're saying. We're moving to Seattle. All of us. You can come back to Arcadia Bay on every school break if you want to, and Chloe can come up there whenever she wants." Ryan paused briefly to run his hand over his sweaty forehead. "In any case the decision is final."
"No."
"Max, please don't make this any harder than it is."
"It's not about making it harder. I don't want to upset you. I just can't."
"What do you mean you can't?" Vanessa spoke using a conciliatory tone. As Ryan was beginning to raise his voice
"After what happened with uncle Billy, Chloe made me promise her that I would never leave her. And I won't do it."
Vanessa turned around like a boxer taking a straight to the jaw. She rose from her stool staggering, with her face sunk in both hands and sobbing, she walked off to the living room as she babbled a couple of words to her husband, "I can't do this, Ryan, I can't."
After a brief run to the living room, to try to comfort his wife, Ryan brought his seat up close to an impassive Max who watched the whole development from an emotional distance. "Your mother is heartbroken. It's not your fault, but that doesn't change things. She tried everything to stay, both of us did. I know that all you are doing is being faithful to your friend, and I respect that. In any case, this ends now. You've got a week to say goodbye to Chloe. On Sunday, when you come back, we'll start packing."
"Dad, I can't…"
"One week. On Sunday morning, we are leaving for Seattle." With these words, Ryan got up from the table, took his wife by the arm, and went upstairs leaving Max alone in the kitchen, in front of a breakfast that no one would eat anymore.
For the first time since her parents had mentioned moving, the true extent of those words reached her.
She was moving.
She was going to break her promise.
She was leaving Chloe.
Max fell to her knees hugging her stomach as the immense void in her belly seized her entire being. She cried until her eyes were dry and sore and then she cried a bit more, alone, curled up on the floor of her dining room.
When she finally got up, there was no more pain, no more despair. Just emptiness.
Numb.
Unknown date, 2.008
"Wait for me in the car, please."
"This is seriously wrong. You can't do this. Not this way." Ryan's voice was filled with concern "Chloe is your best friend—your only friend. You're gonna regret this."
Not even turning her head towards him, Max replied in the same hollow tone in which she had been addressing the rest of the world for a week. "I won't take long." With her gaze fixed on the ground and a tired stride, she got out of the car and climbed the steps leading up to the Price's garden. She couldn't help but take a quick look at the house that meant so much to her. The half-finished paint job interrupted by the tragic death of Bill Price felt at that moment as the aptest metaphor of her own life. This wasn't any more home for her.
She rang the doorbell, secretly wishing for no one to answer, but that was a hope that wasn't meant to be fulfilled. The door finally opened to allow for what was left of Chloe Price.
She had lost weight and her usual lanky frame had withered to worrying limits. With huge bags under her eyes, wearing dirty, worn-out pajamas and in dire need for a shower, Max could state emphatically that she had never seen her in a lower moment, not even when her father passed away.
This, of course, shouldn't have come as a surprise to Max. After all, she had been battling with her parents for a whole week. A week that Chloe had spent begging for her to come see her. Her parents had joined in those pleas, letting her know that Chloe had stopped eating and refused to leave the house until she could talk to her.
It was all in vain.
The first words she crossed with her parents after Ryan's ultimatum were to inform them that she wasn't going to say goodbye to Chloe, and that if it was up to her, they could leave sooner. And so she stood until that very morning, when, to everyone's surprise, she asked her father to drive her to her friend's house.
Because even if Max had her reasons, no matter how wrong and odd they were, it was still Max and Chloe. And it may not seem like much now, but at the end of this long journey, there was no way Max could leave without seeing her partner for the last time.
"You're here," she said in a trembling voice, "I thought I'd never see you again."
"I don't have much time. you… you'll be good, ok?"
"I can't believe it? This is all I'm gonna get from you? 'You'll be good?'"
Despite everything she felt, the betrayal and the pain, Chloe hugged her friend desperately pressing as tightly as she could. "I'm sorry, for whatever I've done… please don't leave me." Max remained still, not returning Chloe's embrace, her arms hung loose at her sides until Chloe pulled away from her and wiped her eyes on her pajamas "Please."
Not answering, and staring at her shoes, Max let her friend know it was a hopeless battle.
"You are looking forward to Seattle, aren't you? I'm sure you were so thrilled when your parents told you." The wounded Chloe, the one that never showed up when Max was around, took over and spat out her pain to her friend.
Max clenched her fists, biting her tongue. No matter what she said, nothing was going to change the fact that was tearing them apart from the inside out.
She was leaving.
Once again, Max remained, apparently, unaffected.
"I see" A defeated Chloe wiped her snot on her sleeve in an unflattering gesture, not that she cared much about decorum, anyway. "Max, what am I to you? At least answer me, even if it's the last thing you do for me… What I've been to you?"
There was only one answer she could honestly offer her friend. Her whole being was threatening to explode, asking her to shout it out loud, to the whole world, if possible, that not a single corner remained on earth unaware of what she meant to her.
Chloe Elizabeth Price, you're everything to me.
Infinite alternate universes were born and ceased to exist during the short time that passed as the question waited for its answer. This was not the place to analyze the many different paths our story would have undergone if Max had been honest with herself at that precise time and place. All the love between those two little girls that could have been, was forever lost because Max Caulfield, heartbroken beyond words, could only manage to look at the floor and stammer "I have to go now… you take care of yourself, please."
Max walked back to the car as she had come, head down and a colossal burden on her heart.
This time, however, the screams of the only person whose opinion mattered to her, echoed in the background. Max did not manage to discern many of them, laden with regrets and accusations that, undoubtedly, not even Chloe thought were fair.
Some of them did, though. Words like I hate you Max or I don't want to see you ever again were properly registered.