november competition submission.
"seulement par une plus grande douleur..."
Trigger Warning: The following piece contains depictions of depression, grief, attempted suicide, blood and gore. If you are not comfortable with these topics, I highly recommend moving on from this and possibly future pieces.
In a couple of minutes, Snowstar had lost four of his lives.
It seemed like years ago that he stood over the sacred port to StarClan, laying down to surrender his name, his past, his life and be filled with a sense of resurgence as he ascended to his position as Fallenclan leader. Succeeding the disastrous end to the previous leader's reign made Snowstar actually feel like a hero, a tom with discovered purpose. A sensation he had never felt before.
Back then, he felt invincible.
Now, laying bloodied on the desecrated camp of what once was Fallenclan's home, the bodies littered around him…
He felt gutted.
He could hear wails, screams from those cursed with being left alive as they suffered the loss. He saw toms and she-cats alive sobbing over their lovers, their daughters, their sons...the true damage the ambush with intent to destroy had wreaked upon them.
And yet, despite the fatal wound from the side of his throat down his flank that had stripped him of his fifth life, he was the one that could stand the straightest and thus, the only cat that bore every blow.
He should have been dead the moment he was slashed in the belly when the nursery was raided.
And yet here he was.
He stumbled, dazed and sick to his stomach, across the red-painted battlefield. He saw his friends, his Clanmates, lying lifeless on the grass, faces resting in various states of pain, heartbreak, anger, grief...Snowstar felt the world spiraling out of his control, making him stumble…
The only cat who was in the nursery at the time of the attack was Kestrelpool. And he was bleeding out from the throat in Pebblestep's arms.
Only a couple of the apprentices had survived the massacre. Snowstar could see Songpaw trying to treat Hootpaw's gash down the belly. Mistpaw was trying to stop the cuts along her flank with hastily kneaded gobs of cobweb.
Everywhere Snowstar looked, he saw...bodies.
Bodies of his friends.
Cedarheart.
Patchflight.
Bristlerose.
Feathersong.
Lilypool.
Swiftheart.
Crystalflight.
Ignis.
…
No.
Inches in front of the leader, a face of shock written plainly on her face…
Was his daughter.
Shadowwind was bleeding and grieving into her fur, letting out heart-shattering wails that the usually quiet tom had never released before.
"Shads…" rasped the tom.
"W-Where...Where are...you…" he sobbed, looking around desperately for his lover.
And Snowstar saw it.
A long scar across his mate's eyes.
Shadowwind had been blinded.
"No...N-No…"
Everything he had heard in the stars, every archetype of power, confidence that he was preached to follow.
Gone.
Fallenclan had lost everything.
He was a failure.
And nothing more.
As the night grew bitter and the frost came down upon the ravaged group of cats cursed with life, Snowstar was not strong. He couldn't be.
He held Shadowwind in his paws, crying, grieving for his daughter, and joining the chorus of pained, agonizing cries into the dead of night.
The morning before, Fallenclan had about fifty cats.
Now, with the magnitude of the ambush behind them, there were just over fifteen.
Clearstone could barely handle the loss, let alone the amount of injuries treated. He tried his best, but the sheer power of grief was enough to shake her up and make common mistakes. Songpaw tried to help, but they had lost so much in such a small amount of time that it seemed nobody would be able to think straight any longer.
Snowstar had cried with Shadowwind until he was taken away. He had thrashed in terror, terrified of the world of blindness, as Snowstar barely mustered up the energy to comfort him, and lied to his face that he would be there for him.
If he couldn't be there for all those who died, how could he be there for anyone?
Snowstar stood shaking, quivering on the chilly grass. Weak, disheveled, dishonored. If someone were to come by and face the scene, the leader of the group would be thought to be dead.
He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to face the fallout. He didn't want to be strong. He wanted to be a normal warrior. He wanted his daughter back. He wanted to wake up.
He stayed genuflecting as his daughter's body grew as cold as the chill.
The wailing died down, the only singing voice left were the petrified screeches of Orion as he and Lux failed to accept Ignis' death.
The blood in his brain hammered him down and he felt like he could just shatter into pieces, drift into the wind with no more cares in the world.
He didn't want to be leader.
He didn't want to be responsible.
He didn't want to live with the consequences any longer.
After an unknown, unfelt amount of time, Snowstar felt a shaky, weak nudge at his side. He blinked open to see Blazespark, who looked near as shattered as he. His eyes were red and drenched in salt, he was favoring one side and blood was dripping through and beyond his grit teeth. In the ambush, he had lost not just his mate, but the unborn kits she had been bearing.
The Fallenclan deputy was hollow. He looked like a ghost, how lifeless his eyes were.
Snowstar, united in their rawness of grief, let Blazespark sob into his littered, dirty white pelt. The tears drenched as he cried into the leader like a kit into his father.
And Snowstar felt sick again with the knowledge that through and beyond his grief, he would still be the one everyone looked to. The knowledge that sometime in the future he would have to let go of grieving with everyone as an equal and leading everyone through this as a leader.
It wasn't him.
He could never.
And by now, everyone left knew that well.
All he could do was hold his deputy close and hope that this was the world's worst nightmare.
But as the night went by, he failed to wake up.
The moon was high in the sky when the Clan began to accept death.
Blazespark and a couple others that could stand without throwing up or falling over began to slowly drag out the bodies into the middle of the clearing. The scent of death was overwhelming, nigh intoxicating to Snowstar, who was lying on the ground just outside the medicine den. He had barely moved when Clearstone patched him up. He hadn't responded with anything coherent when Clearstone asked him questions.
Clearstone was always quick to give him advice when he needed it (and he needed it a lot), but there was no words of how they could possibly get through this. Nothing of advice or comfort that could console this chaos.
Everything was gone. Fallenclan, once brimming with life and pride and diversity was reduced to...something worse than nothing.
A small congregation of shattered souls that in mere hours had lost everything they loved.
"How is he?" he whispered throatily.
"H-He's gonna live," rasped Clearstone, hoarse from crying, "B-B-But...the d-damage...is done...h-he won't be able to s-see again…"
As much as Snowstar was glad he was alright, he cursed under his breath and had to hold back tears again.
"C-Can I see him?"
Clearstone nodded, head bowed, and stepped aside.
Snowstar stepped shakily into the drab, dry den, his head spinning as he saw Shadowwind...the face of the love of his life, blinded by dock leaves and poultice.
"S-Snowy…" he whimpered, "W-Where…"
"I'm right here…" whimpered Snowstar, on the brink of tears again, "I'm right here, my love…"
He wrapped himself around Shadowwind, trying to envelop his mate in his scent and calm his quivering. Never before had he heard Shadowwind so...so scared.
"Dark...can't see…" he rasped, trying to hold himself together.
"I'm here, Shadowwind...I'm here…" said the Fallenclan leader, snapping under the weight of everything that they had lost.
For the first time in his life, he saw Shadowwind begin to cry. This was no weeping. This was out of terror.
All Snowstar could do was hold him close. For all he knew, he was the only thing Shadowwind could know in the darkness he couldn't see.
"We...lost...her…" sniffed the blind tom, lips quivering.
Snowstar continued to cry.
By the time the bodies were laid out for vigil, the bitter cold of the first snowfall began to flutter down upon the barren camp.
Everyone was huddled up in the warriors den, pressing up against each other for warmth and comfort. Throughout, there was shivering, crying and coughing as the shambles of FallenClan soldiered through their first lonely night.
In the leader's den. Snowstar held his mate close to his chest as the snow came down, masking the bodies with a gentle blanket of harmless white. He had always loved snow; how it seemed to cover up the scars of the world and give every living thing a chance to start again.
But he couldn't be happy.
No one could ever be happy when they had lost this much.
In a couple of days, the grief would boil into anger. Anger he would be forced to control within himself and keep tempered in the rest of his Clanmates as they tracked down the organizers of the ambush. Even with the worst punishment they could ever inflict, he knew that the wounds they were suffering would never heal.
Fallenclan would never recover.
And no one would ever admit it, but because of his horrible leadership, Snowstar knew that he was the leader that caused Fallenclan's destruction.
He should have prepared, he should have sent out more patrols, he should have done something…
He was useless.
This was why he never wanted to be deputy.
This was why he never wanted to be leader.
Silverstar would have done something.
Ashstar would have done something.
And he did nothing.
Blazespark, who was right next to him, seemed to read his thoughts and posture, speaking to him in a wrought, dry voice.
"S'not your fault…" he said, "We had nothing...no scent...no sign...we couldn't have known...we c-couldn't have prepared…"
Snowstar scrunched up his face.
"I killed them...I let them all die...I did nothing...I should have done something…"
"You couldn't have-"
"Stop it, Blazespark…" spat Snowstar bitterly, "You lost your mate...you lost your kit...all because of me. I'm the worst leader in the world."
He bowed his head, crying despite being basically dry of tears into Shadowwind's messy fur.
"Stop."
Snowstar did a double take and looked down at Shadowwind, who was looking straight ahead.
"Get...your shit...together…"
"Shads, please…"
"You...Fallenclan...leader…"
"Stop...Shadowwind, stop…"
"You...are better...than this-"
"SHUT UP!" he roared, completely snapping, "JUST SHUT UP, SHADOWWIND! I KILLED CATS! I LET THEM DIE! THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED IF I WASN'T LEADER! BLAZESPARK WOULD HAVE STOPPED THIS! ASHSTAR WOULD HAVE STOPPED THIS! HELL, SILVERSTAR WOULD HAVE STOPPED THIS! ANYONE COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS! NOW MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD, MY MATE IS BLIND AND ALMOST ALL OF THE CLAN IS ROTTING OUTSIDE! SO IF YOU TRY TO SAY TO MY FACE THAT I AM AN ACCEPTABLE LEADER BY ANY MEANS AFTER TONIGHT, YOU ARE THE WORST LYING SACK OF SHIT STARCLAN COULD HAVE SENT UPON THIS EARTH!"
Blazespark was on his paws, eyes wide in shock as Shadowwind bowed his head, his emotions undetectable. Neither had ever heard Snowstar snap this badly.
"Snowstar!"
"WHAT?!"
It was Lux, who was alight with terror in his eyes. "I-It's Pebblestep...H-He…"
Snowstar fell down to earth.
He realized who was among the dead.
Kestrelpool, his mate.
Cedarheart and Bristlerose, his siblings.
Sparrowkit, his daughter.
"W-What's wrong…?" he rasped, eyes wide with terror.
"He-He's not breathing...He collapsed and-"
He didn't finish.
Through the now heavy snowfall, Snowstar trudged through to the leader's den, where wails of terror and grief could be heard as Clearstone tried desperately to revive him.
Snowstar felt dread mount as the Pebblestep failed to move.
And then…
He stopped.
"He's gone…" he said quietly, voice tight and ready to break, "I've lost him…"
As the den descended back into the sickly chorus of wails, Snowstar…
...couldn't stop staring.
His mind had descended so far into insanity that there was no grief, no terror, just...wonder.
Pebblestep had died of a broken heart.
His heart couldn't take losing everything.
So his body had mercy.
And stopped.
He had escaped.
Snowstar felt enlightened.
There was a way out.
And he took off into the blizzard.
Blazespark sensed there was trouble immediately, though, and raced after his leader. "SNOWSTAR! STOP!"
He was a blur, racing through the tumultuous downpour as fast as he could. He couldn't be stopped, not by Blazespark's desperate cries or his whining common sense.
On he raced, and on Blazespark chased, desperate not to lose his leader, his friend today, until he stopped.
Snowstar came to a stop and sat down. Blazespark looked down at where he was and gasped.
He was sitting in the middle of a Thunderpath.
"No...Snowstar, you can't do this…" said the deputy in desperation, "Please don't do this…"
"I've failed you, Blazespark," said Snowstar, tears near freezing in the blizzard, "I've failed everyone! I don't deserve to be leader! I don't deserve to live-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, SNOWSTAR!" roared Blazespark, "That's not true and you know it!"
Snowstar didn't respond as Blazespark went on. "Look, I know...I know that you're suffering...just like the rest of us...but you gotta understand, Snowstar, that this isn't your fault!"
"PEBBLESTEP DIED FOR WHAT I DID!" snapped Snowstar, "Everyone he cared for died in that battle! That's why he's dead! I'm useless! I can't do anything right!"
"That doesn't mean you can't try again!"
Snowstar stopped.
"W-What?"
"Snowstar, listen…" pleaded Blazespark, "I know you tried to step down, but we need you more than ever before! We don't just need a leader! We need a leader who looks into the eye of a hurricane and smiles! We need a leader with unending confidence and optimism! We need you, Snowstar."
"My daughter's gone, Blazespark…" sniffed Snowstar, "I-I can't…"
"Yes, you can!" said Blazespark, inching forward towards his decrepit leader, "We all lost something today. Something near and dear to our hearts. But we need the cat that is willing to step down as deputy to be a better father and mate. Everyone alive needs you. I need you!"
He paused.
"Shadowwind needs you."
That was a blow to Snowstar's gut.
"He's blind. He doesn't know which way is up! He doesn't just need support, he needs love! Something only you can give him! Are you really this ready to let it all go because you're that set on giving up?"
Silence. Blazespark prayed that he had at least convinced Snowstar to reconsider.
Snowstar shut his eyes, seemingly fighting a mental war.
And then he opened them.
And his eyes glimmered with resolve, making Blazespark's stomach drop.
"You're really that ready to give me a second chance?" he sniffed.
Blazespark smiled warmly.
"Yes, Snowstar."
Snowstar was shaking as Blazespark stood at the edge of the Thunderpath.
"Come with me. We can get through this together."
Snowstar stared at him.
And began to step forward.
One step.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
And he was off the Thunderpath.
Blazespark looked up at his broken leader.
"Thank you."
Snowstar crumbled, wrapping his paws around his loyal deputy. His friend.
Blazespark let him hold him, as he mumbled high-pitched, heartbreaking apologies into his ear. Right behind them, a massive monster drove past them. Which would have surely been Snowstar's demise had he lingered a couple seconds longer.
After about five minutes of weeping, Snowstar broke away, looking as composed as he could through the tragedy that almost killed him.
"Thank you," he said shakily.
"All in a day's work," said Blazespark, smiling weakly, "Shall we?"
Snowstar looked into the storm.
And nodded.
"Let's go home."
"Home..."
Snowstar stared at him.
And began to step forward.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
He stopped.
"W-What if I turn out like Silverstar?" he whimpered to his deputy, "What if they blame me and exile Shadowwind and I?"
Blazespark hesitated. He hadn't thought of that. But he needed to get Snowstar out of here.
"I'm your deputy," he said as calmly as he could, "And it's my duty to fight for you."
Snowstar nodded.
"Alrigh-"
CRUNCH.
The noise and the sudden splattering on his face made Blazestorm jump backwards in shock. He flopped onto his back amidst the torrent of snow.
The deputy took a moment to recompose himself and drew a paw across his face.
Red.
Blood.
Blazespark went cold.
He looked up.
No.
The huge monster had skid off the Thunderpath, now on it's side with smoke hissing from all sides.
And Snowstar?
He lay quivering, his eyes wide and bloodshot, gasping for air.
The back half of his body was reduced to a red, garbled, fatal mess.
Blazespark screeched in horror, able to do nothing but hold on to the damned leader as he bled out.
As his final five lives were stripped from him, he could do nothing but twitch his eye upward to look at Blazespark with a look of dead agony.
Then the last of his breath left him, and he was still, left to be buried under the world's first snowfall.
Word Count: 3,044
I warned you.
That's all I can say.
And also sorry for killing everyone.
Which ending really happened?
That's for you to decide.
Best,
~Res
Credits:
Pebblestep and Ignis belong to succulentsofa.
Cedarheart and Lux belong to Mintflight0245.
Patchflight and Orion belong to Ember grieves for aspen.
Mistpaw and Feathersong belong to Phoenixlight of Fallenclan.
Hootpaw belongs to yeetledee.
Crystalflight belongs to DarkCrystal666.
Swiftheart belongs to Swiftheart1267.
Lilypool belongs to ThatOneVirgo.
Shadowwind belongs to Jayfeather's Friend.
Songpaw, Bristlerose and Blazespark belongs to Mossy Clouds.
Awarded First Place at November 2020 FallenClan competition (11/23/20)