Chapter 4: To Be A Man

My name is Hikigaya Hachiman. Genius. Moderately well off. Loner. Hedonist. When I'm not ripping off iconic lines from movies, I'm having fun in other ways, like practicing roundhouse kicks or doing anatomical drawings. Recently, things got interesting with the start of my second year of high school. My hot new homeroom teacher (emphasis on hot) didn't really like my essay. Long story short, she tried to intimidate me into redoing it, I kinda made her give me an "A" instead, and then I joined the new Club she started, because I want to help her out. Totally not because I have the hots for her. No, really.

Anyway, I showed up at the Service Club, where I met a familiar face, one that has the kind of freezing power Todoroki Shoto can only dream of. We didn't really get along, so we kinda sorta got a challenge going, about whose methods help people more. And then a girl whose dog I helped her save also showed up.

We got our first chance at our challenge when my buddy Zaimokuza came to ask for help with a light novel he's working on. A bunch of stuff happened, but Yukinoshita gave him some critique, and I drew a manga based on his work and told him he has what every author really needs.

Score: Yukinoshita-1, Hikigaya- 1.

But the battle's only beginning. It's been a week since that incident, and life has gone back to usual, with nothing really different. Well, not really. But you'll see what I mean.

It was another beautiful afternoon in Chiba. Not too hot, slight breeze blowing. Classes were done for the day, and I was in the Service Club's room. Today, I was doing practising the forms of the human body. Just getting a bunch of sketches in to work on my visualization and perspective.

"Hikki, your post's gotten over a three hundred shares now. It's even showed up in a bunch of manga hosting sites."

I answered without looking up from my drawing.

"Eh, that's good, I guess."

While I was certainly happy with the success of the one-shot, which apparently everyone at Soubu had read after I posted it online, there wasn't really any reason for me to dwell on it. The simple reason was that I had used my actual name on the cover page. My art accounts, where I got my commissions, used different names, since I definitely didn't want people from Soubu getting all up in my face about what I did in my free time. Meaning, no one who had seen this manga would become a follower of my art accounts, which meant, no commissions, nor any increase in the size of the audience to which I'd be showcasing most of my work.

Of course, as I had discovered, very rarely is a topic just dropped in this room. No, one or the other person (including me) would invariably pick it up, and canvass it till it was exhausted.

"I'll admit, Hikigaya kun, I was impressed with the level of your work. Certainly, even I cannot find anything to fault in your art."

"Thanks, Yukinoshita," I said, hoping for once that that would be all.

"Now if only I could say the same about your behaviour. Or your attitude. Or you in general."

"Thank you, Dark Souls," I said.

"Attempting flattery now, lowlife kun?"

"Why did I even try."

Yuigahama laughed nervously. The established pattern was that Yukinoshita and I would get engaged in some sort of ultimately pointless argument, with this poor girl being stuck in the middle. Honestly, I felt bad for her. Here she was, trying to have a good time, and she had to deal with this. It was pretty much a given at this point.

Shaking my head, I examined the form construction I had just finished.

Could do with some more dynamism.

Taking note of it, I was about to start another, when the door slid open with a bang, and a woman flew nearly horizontally across a five foot distance in a clean flying kick, while doing the best Bruce Lee power yell I've ever heard from someone who wasn't him. She landed smoothly, then did the trademark shuffle step while getting into stance.

"Waah, that was really good, Sensei," said Yuigahama enthusiastically. After seeing this sort of thing a few times, she had learnt to just roll with it.

"Speaking of dynamism, that was an 11 out of 10, Sensei. I'll really need to step up my game to match that."

Hiratsuka Shizuka raised a fist in victory.

"Still got it. You're too early to be challenging me, Hikigaya."

The sound of Yukinoshita face-palming was like a warm, soothing balm to my soul.

"Is there something you wanted other than to try for a long jump record, Sensei?"

"Eh? I just wanted to come and see how you guys were doing. Since you have a successful mission under your belt, you should soon be getting more requests. I just hope you keep doing as well as you have so far."

Far be it from me to take this opportunity to blatantly attempt to gain favour or get in good graces. I'd never stoop so low.

"You can count on me, Sensei! I won't let you down."

Fuck.

I had actually overdone it with my eagerness, to the point where she blinked slightly in surprise.

I felt my face growing red in shame.

Damn it. When will I ever learn?

"Wow, you're pretty eager, huh? Hikigaya? I guess you must have a pretty good reason, eh?"

Sensei smirked deviously, and I could feel my heart pounding exponentially faster.

Oh no. Please tell me she hasn't figured it out.

Orimoto had nothing on Sensei in terms of how bad me being found out could be.

The smirk widened.

"You, Hikigaya, actually have…"

No, no, no. I gotta run. Out the door? No, I won't be fast enough. Damn it, but this is the fourth floor. I can't go out the window either. Shit!

"... a desire to win this challenge, don't you?"

This time I blinked.

Sensei was grinning triumphantly.

"Face it, Hikigaya. You'd like nothing more than to show Yukinoshita you're better than her. Isn't that right?"

I couldn't quite tell if the disappointment was stronger, or the relief.

I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, Sensei," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'm really invested in that. You could say it's the reason that keeps me coming back to this Club."

She nodded, oblivious to my sarcasm.

"I thought so. I knew there was more than some hedonist in you. Competition really does bring out the best in people."

The retorts were at the tip of my tongue, and holding them back was taking some effort. I stared at her in awe. It was incredible how someone could be this perceptive and this dense at the same time. Has this woman actually read so many shounen manga that she has now started developing the traits of their protagonists?

It was at this exact moment that a far darker thought occurred to me.

Wait, it didn't even occur to her that she might be the reason?

Why? Is she already dating someone?

Now that I thought about it, that seemed extremely probable. She was beautiful, had a great figure, was smart but kind and thoughtful without being condescending, and she was fun to spend time with. She had literally every quality anyone could want, and at that moment, it seemed beyond obvious that she must already be seeing someone.

Even as that thought registered, I told myself that I should have thought of that ages ago. I also reminded myself that I was never serious about her. I was well aware that she was a fantasy, and was comfortable keeping it that way.

For something so simple and lighthearted, why did it suck so bad to be faced with the thought of the fact that that was all it would ever be? Just a fantasy, nothing more. I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of images of some faceless guy with her, the both of them having the time of their life. It made me sick to my stomach to think of someone else with her that way. Unfortunately, an overactive imagination meant I was seeing everything very vividly.

"... Hikigaya, are you okay?"

I realized Sensei was standing right in front of me.

The other two girls were staring at me as well.

I shook my head.

"Yeah, I'm all right. Kinda warm in here. Head was swimming for a moment."

To my intense surprise, she reached out a hand towards my face. My breath stopped. She checked my forehead.

"Temperature feels normal. It's not a fever. Try not to spend too much time in the sun?"

I swallowed.

"Y-yeah, sure."

She was far too close. I realized that for all the times I'd stared at her, I'd never actually seen her up-close. Her cheeks were smooth, and her full lips glistened slightly, though she wasn't wearing any makeup I was aware of. From this distance, I could see her eyes had a hint of violet in them, an unusual colour. She smelled nice too, not like cigarettes, which is what I would have expected. I could see a slight hint of beads of sweat rolling down her neck, drawing my eye to other interesting areas.

I drew back, got off my chair and looked away.

Too close. Way too close.

"Hikigaya, are you all right? You're acting pretty weird."

"It's nothing!"

I took a couple of swipes, stretching out my shoulders.

"Just warming up, you know. Gotta be ready for any job that shows up."

This was too close. What the hell was I thinking? Get your head back in reality, Hachiman. This is just a fantasy. Nothing more.

I turned back to her, trying to keep my expression the same as usual.

She looked at me for a second, and I wondered if she was going to push the issue.

"All right. I'll leave you to it then. Keep up the good work, you three!"

Yukinoshita and Yuigahama gave words of thanks and said they'd do their best. I remained silent. I didn't really trust myself to speak much at the moment.

Sensei gave me one last glance before waving and exiting the room.

This time, the disappointment definitely outweighed the relief.

"Hikigaya kun."

I turned to look at Yukinoshita, who was looking at me with an expression that seemed a mix of surprise, disbelief and consternation.

Next to her, surprise mostly dominated on Yuigahama's face.

"What?"

Yukinoshita opened her mouth to speak, but shook her head.

"No, never mind. I probably imagined it."

That was a relief. I really wasn't in any mood to deal with more of our regular banter right now.

As if to make sure I wouldn't have to, there was a knocking on the door at that exact moment.

"Come in", Yukinoshita and I said at the same time, causing us to glare at each other.

The one who entered was actually familiar to me, at least by sight, being a person who was in the same class. This person, who was both well known and well-liked at Soubu, was sometimes mistaken a for a girl, though he was very much a boy.

"Totsuka chan, yahallo!"

I cringed slightly.

"Thank you, Dark Souls," I muttered under my breath.

Totsuka waved and smiled.

"Yuigahama san, yahallo!"

Hmm. Maybe this greeting is not that bad.

The silver-haired visitor nodded to Yukinoshita and me as well.

"Welcome to the Service Club. How may we help you?"

Totsuka blushed slightly, having some difficulty looking Yukinoshita in the eye.

"Erm… it's a little hard to say, but I could do with a little help with my tennis."

Oh yeah. Totsuka did play tennis. I saw him at it a lot during PE. He was actually pretty good at it, which made me wonder…

"What exactly do you need help for? You're pretty good already", I said.

Totsuka looked slightly surprised at hearing me speak.

"Ah, Hikigaya san, thanks, you're too kind. Actually, I'm a member of the tennis club. And we're really short on members. You see, a lot of our best players were third years, and they just graduated. Without them around, a lot of second years left too, and well, somehow or the other, the captaincy fell on me. I want the Club to do well, and have more members. But I need to get better for that. So please, help me improve!"

I was still a little distracted by the episode with Sensei, but Totsuka's words had jogged me back to reality.

This actually seemed like it could be a fun request. There were many ways to get the Tennis Club more members, and anyone could spot easily that a lot of them wouldn't have anything to do with Totsuka's skill as a player at all.

"Very well," said Yukinoshita. "We'll accept your request, and train you. First, we'll do push-ups till you die. Then, we'll do sit-ups till you die. Then, we'll run till you die-"

"That's a horrible training method," I interrupted. "Muscles have an optimal volume and training of intensity, and grow during rest."

I sized Totsuka up. From what I had seen of his movements, his speed and technique were good. I certainly didn't know enough about tennis to help him with the latter. But Yukinoshita was right about one thing: he could definitely benefit from having more muscle and strength.

"Hoh," said Yukinoshita. "It seems like Gorillagaya kun will be able to help you in this department."

"You looking for a fight, Sub-Zero?" I yelled.

"Such a primitive, Neanderthal kun. But you can handle that, and I'll handle his tennis training."

I raised an eyebrow.

"You're good at tennis?"

"Passable," she answered simply. "Enough to provide some good practice."

Knowing Yukinoshita, that's probably code for "better than you".

Well, all right.

I'll let her have this then.

But this is still a challenge, right? Gotta show my way's more effective.

Let's see here: it'd be easy to get the Tennis Club more members.

But Totsuka's request was for us to help him become better at tennis, not recruit people.

Well and good. However, my hedonism is founded on knowing what you actually want.

With Zaimokuza, it was easy because I know him, and because I know where he's coming from.

But I hardly know Totsuka at all.

The odds are stacked against me.

But I'll still win.

For now, agreeing to train him will do.

"All right, then. If Totsuka has no objections, we'll do our workouts together."

"Ah- ok!" Totsuka said. "Thank you all. I'll be in your care then."

"Oh! I'll help!" said Yuigahama.

"You sure?" I asked her. "The training we're about to do isn't going to be easy."

"That's okay! I want to help you, Hikki!"

Yuigahama's trademark cheerfulness was there, but there was also a determined glint in her eye.

I liked that.

I like that in a person.

"OK. We'll start right away then."

Since Totsuka would be training two different aspects, strength and skill, he would be having two training sessions a day, with plenty of time to recover in between. One during recess, and one after classes. He would be training four days a week, with three of them being strength training days. The other days would be for rest and recovery.

And today was one of those three days.

"Have you done any push-ups before?" I asked him.

Totsuka shook his head.

"This is how you do 'em."

We were in the school gymnasium. Incidentally, this is where I spend my time during PE classes, instead of out on the field with the others.

I got down into the position.

"Hands just wider than shoulder width. Position them so that they're more or less perpendicular to the ground. Keep your back straight. Don't allow your butt to go up, and don't allow your core to give in. You want to keep your shoulders down and back a little. No need to overdo it. Just make sure you don't shrug them towards your ears while doing them. Go down slow, and go up fast. You should be feeling this mostly in your chest and your arms, specifically the triceps."

I demonstrated 10 reps, then got up.

"Give it a try!"

Though slender, Totsuka wasn't too weak. He managed proper push ups, without needing to rest his knees instead of his feet, which is a version used by those who need to work their way up to full push ups. He got through 5 reps before his form started to slip.

"Stop there," I said. "Rest your knees, and do 7 more reps."

By switching to the easier version once his muscles reached failure on the regular ones, he was able to stay in the right rep-range, and get good time under tension on the set, while still having gotten intensity in the first few reps.

"This… is harder than I thought," said Totsuka, sitting on the floor.

"This is how you do them. You'll see a bunch of people in our class boasting about how they can get 50 reps. Most of 'em can't even get one good rep. Your 12 good reps versus their 50 half-assed ones: you'll be the one making the gains."

Totsuka stared for a moment, eyes slightly wide.

"You really know your stuff, huh, Hikigaya san?"

"Eh? These are basics. You can learn this stuff off any good exercise website out there. But it is better if you have an actual coach though. Much easier and faster learning process that way."

Yuigahama, who was also present, and had tried the push ups with Totsuka (and actually done pretty well), chose this as her moment to speak.

"Hikki, aren't you going to do these too?"

"My workout's on a higher intensity level. I do dips."

There was a pair of parallel bars in the gym, and I walked up to them, and got between them. Gripping one bar in each hand, I hoisted myself off the ground, bent and crossed my legs under myself and angled my body forward slightly, then took a moment to make sure I had my balance. Then I began the reps. Slow, controlling the movement on the way down. Pausing when I felt my elbows had bent to ninety degrees, and I had a good stretch in my chest. Then pushing upwards explosively, till I felt a burn in the pecs and triceps. 15 reps later, I was feeling pretty good, and had done as many as I could properly in one set. I let myself down, enjoying the feeling of the pump.

I walked back to the other two, who had watched the whole set.

"That looked way harder than what we're doing!" exclaimed Yuigahama. "Hikki's actually strong?!"

"Hahahaha! Of course I'm strong."

I'd changed into my gym uniform before the session began. Right now, I took off the jacket that was part of it. I certainly wasn't a massive guy, but I won't pretend I wasn't in good shape. One year of solid lifting, with some very good coaches helping me out with both training and nutrition, had brought results.

"EEEH?! How do you fit those arms into the uniform?" Yuigahama cried.

"Old protagonist trick," I answered. "One gets bigger when the clothes come off."

Yuigahama pouted.

"Mou! Is there anything you're not good at? This isn't fair!"

"Lots of things I'm not good at," I blurted out before I could stop myself.

"Like what?" she asked.

"Never mind. We're here to train, not chat. Totsuka, Yuigahama. 2 more sets of push-ups. Same rules. Do as many full push-ups as you can, then switch to the knee version."

We proceeded through the rest of the session. I did my own session with them. It was a full-body workout routine, which is ideal for most natural trainees, and can be done safely three times a week.

Barbell/ bodyweight squats, barbell rows/ one-armed rows, leg curls. I added some arm exercises at the end for myself.

All in all, a good day's work.

Predictably, both Totsuka and Yuigahama were sore and exhausted, since neither of them were used to resistance training.

"Hmm… this might have been a little bit too much for a first day. Make sure to sleep well tonight, both of you. And take tomorrow off. Next session, you two are sticking to bodyweight only stuff, till you get comfortable with that. We don't want you so tired that you can't play tennis."

They both nodded.

Totsuka seemed determined.

The normally easy going boy had a fire in his eyes. He'd felt a taste of the action… and it had felt good.

Yeah. Now I can say I know you, maybe 0.1 percent.

For the rest of the week, we continued the training. Yukinoshita handled the tennis, as she had said. I watched a few of the sessions and found that she was indeed very good, far better than Totsuka as a matter of fact. I found myself wondering why, apart from her slender physique, she hadn't considered playing competitively. Explosive delivery gave her serves and returns plenty of speed, and she had great movement. I didn't know the first thing about tennis, but even I could see she was good.

It was the final session of the week when I felt I finally came to know Totsuka the person a little.

Since the first workout, I had made him switch to a bodyweight only routine that had an emphasis on core exercises. He'd done it diligently, and had picked up on the forms well. He'd be able to continue on his own once this was over.

It was during this session that it happened. I finished knocking out some biceps curls, and racked the dumbbells.

Since Totsuka had less items on his menu, he was already done, and waiting for me to finish.

I noticed he was oddly silent.

"Yo. Something wrong?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking it's incredible."

I raised an eyebrow.

"What is?"

"We've been in the same class over a month now, and I didn't even know you were working this hard."

"A month is a very short period of time for you to get to know someone in your class."

"Is it, though? For a month, we were in the same room, six hours a day, five days a week. In all of that time, I barely looked at you. Even when I did, all I thought I was seeing was someone, who for some reason, was alone. But all this time, you were working, by yourself. You probably started long ago, didn't you? Working away, in silence. It makes me realize. There must be others like you too. The world is full of beasts, isn't it? I'm no one. I thought, because I enjoyed tennis, that I might be something. I was misguided. I'm nothi-"

Before he could utter another word, I grabbed his collar.

"Hey. You've got some nerve, talking all this shit to someone who just spent a week training you."

Totsuka's eyes widened in fear and alarm.

"I- I didn't mean-"

I could see it all. The telltale signs on this guy.

I didn't need to be a psychologist to see it.

Heck, this wasn't even particularly deep insight. But I wasn't going to act on it. Not until I heard it from him, honest and true.

"What do you think is going to happen, thirty seconds from now?"

Totsuka's face was getting white now.

"Good. So you've got a clue. Now Totsuka, here's the thing: you don't know me. But I'll give away one piece of information for free. If I decide to beat you up, I'm going to do it regardless of what you do. Knowing this, knowing what's coming in a few short seconds, I'll ask you this question only once: what is it that you really want?"

And then, it happened.

The confirmation that this was happening: that he was definitely about to feel the pain of my fist against his face.

His fear reached a crescendo.

This is it.

I had been here before.

I couldn't encourage him aloud, like he had done for me.

But I said the words in my mind, a silent prayer in my heart and soul.

Go on, kid. Become a badass.

And then, the transformation.

From fear, to anger.

In the face of certain pain, Totsuka Saika made his stand.

"I want to be strong! I'm tired of being this weakling, tired of being taken like a joke! Tired of needing to play nice even when I don't want to! You don't know what it's like, Hikigaya! Every damn day, you think I haven't heard the whispers about me? The shit everyone says when they think I can't hear them? I am NOT a girl! I'm a boy. A boy!"

I grinned.

"Can you keep repeating those words while I make sure that face will never be pretty again?"

I raised my fist.

"I'm a boy!" Totsuka yelled defiantly, right at my face.

Go on. Become a badass.

I launched my fist forward.

"I'm a boy!"

My hand stopped, less than an inch from his nose.

His eyes were closed, but he had not gone back on his resolve.

Totsuka Saika had stood and fought, right until the absolute end.

"No, you're not," I said.

He opened his eyes, fury in them.

"You're not a boy. You're a man."

His eyes widened.

I let go of his collar.

"Hikigaya, were you-"

"It's not about how much you lift. Strength is a choice. Fighting like hell to protect what's important. If it means something to you… don't ever give it up. You'll make enemies. You'll find out a lot of people won't let a lot of shit slide when you refuse to bend over and act cute for them. But that's okay. You'll fight. You'll fight until the end."

Totsuka's mouth opened slightly, as he stared.

"Hikigaya, I-"

"Just don't become an asshole, all right? Being a man doesn't mean you gotta be a jerk. Anyway, I've started to preach, and I sound like a pain in the ass. That's my cue to leave. If you stick to the workout I showed, you'll start seeing some gains after around a month. Eventually, you'll need a more intense regimen. I suggest joining a gym with a good coach. Oh yeah, and keep doing tennis. I don't know why you think you're not good: you're easily better than anyone I've seen except Yukinoshita, and she doesn't count."

"Hikigaya-"

"Well, I'll be off now-"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, shut up for a second, and let me thank you!"

I blinked.

"Wow, your balls dropped hard."

"Real funny. You talk a lot about not being an asshole for someone who acts like one all the time."

"Oi, you want a fight, you punk?"

Totsuka smiled slightly.

"But… thanks. I appreciate the help."

I felt a smile coming over my own face.

"You're welcome."

I turned and walked away.

"Hey, Hikigaya!" he called after me. "You think… you think we could be friends?"

I stood still, his words having hit me like a lightning bolt.

A friend, huh?

Once upon a time, I wanted those so badly. Look how that turned out.

Hedonist tip: Don't allow the past to distort your view of the present.

Totsuka Saika had not been in middle school with me.

Somewhere else in Chiba, maybe he had been experiencing a personal hell, just like I was.

"Sure, why not?"

With that answer, I left.

Next Monday, Totsuka turned up at the Service Club's room to thank us all for taking care of his request.

Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were both quite surprised by the new version of him they saw. I, of course, ignored all conversation while reading a brilliant issue of Mob Psycho 100.

"Hikigaya, you little shit, stop reading manga when people are talking to you," Totsuka yelled from across the table.

"Scram, you little twerp. I'm in the middle of important stuff here."

"Still an asshole," he grumbled as he left. "Later, dude."

"Later," I called back.

An unusual silence followed his exit, and I looked up to find both Yuigahama and Yukinoshita staring at me. Neither of them had been present during that fateful training session.

"Hikki… did something happen between you and Totsuka chan?"

"Nope."

Neither of them knew what had happened that day. And I certainly wasn't going to tell them. That was Totsuka's secret to give away, if he chose to. Not mine.

I turned to Yukinoshita.

"Congratulations. Your method was able to help our client. I guess that means you're up by two to one."

Officially, that was the score now.

Though in reality, I think it would be more accurate to say that we were still tied.