Chapter 6: Courage
"The only thing worth living for… is to have fun.
"You don't owe the world a thing."
"Go on, kid. Become a badass."
"Live with no regrets."
I sat up in bed, breathing hard. Rays of sunlight filtered in through the curtains, lighting up the walls. I took a moment to catch my breath, allowing my heartbeat to slow down as I waited for myself to calm down. This had been the second time in twenty four hours that I had seen him. The strange thing is, I don't even remember his face. Whenever I see it, all I'm looking at is some substitute my brain came up with. But I can remember his words. Ever since that incident, over a year ago, I've repeated them to myself often, to remind myself of what I learnt that way, and to never stray from the path I chose.
It's funny. Over the course of the year, I had done many things, not a single one of which I regretted. Always, if I asked myself, "Am I being a badass?", the answer was a resounding yes. Until yesterday. Yesterday, he had asked me that. And I hadn't been able to answer.
Because I was the furthest thing from badass. To be genuine, to live on one's own terms, meant being honest. If you were really proud of yourself, would you have a reason to hide who you were? What you were? Yet, I was hiding. Hiratsuka Shizuka was living with an image in her head, an image of a Hikigaya Hachiman that wasn't real. And I hadn't had the heart to tell her that. To tell her that I wasn't, and never planned on being, the person she thought I was.
I was selfish, and proudly so. I didn't plan on changing.
I had not hidden that fact. Not since I had realized it myself. I had lived exactly the way I wanted to, and had made no excuses. That was how it was meant to be.
And then, like a coward, I'd run away.
Because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her. Why was that? Was it because she was one of the very few people I had met who I genuinely liked and respected. She was real in her desire to help others, and as misguided as that desire might be… I could appreciate where it was coming. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to stamp out that hope. Maybe I was arrogant in thinking that my opinion would matter that much to her. But I couldn't bring myself to take that risk.
And so, here I was. Living the exact thing I didn't want to: a lie.
Looking back on middle school didn't hurt anymore.
I had lived a lie then too, but it was fitting: I was dealing with human trash, people who hadn't earned the truth. As foolish as I'd been, them having received only a lie from me was an outcome I did not have any regrets over.
Now though?
I was lying to someone who actually mattered.
I cared about Hiratsuka Shizuka.
That much I was willing to admit. Even if everything I imagined between us was nothing more than a daydream, she was a person I cared about.
It hurt because I knew, even if it was just as a teacher for her student, she cared too, and I was unable to repay that with the truth.
I got up and decided to bathe and get dressed. Sitting around thinking about this would solve nothing. I had already made my choice. Now I'd have to live with it.
School was much the same as always. I found myself alternating between paying attention, drawing, and watching Tony Ferguson videos when I was sure the teachers wouldn't notice.
However, I couldn't just relax during recess. I had a job to do, and it required observation.
Hayama was easy enough to spot. His idol-like looks had made him stood out even to someone as uninterested in his classmates as myself. That, and he had a group pretty much surrounding him all the time. There were three other boys right next to him, laughing and talking excitedly, and they must have been Tobe, Yamato and Ooka. I wasn't sure who was who, though it was pretty obvious that these three were indeed the right ones. Looking at them, there wasn't really much to choose from between them, much to set them all apart. They were the kind of high school students I had seen everywhere. Hayama, on the other, was clearly acting, putting on a kind of performance, or a persona meant exclusively for an audience. It should have been fairly obvious to anyone really looking, but he didn't really feel any of what he was saying right now.
Aside from these four, there were quite a few girls as well.
I spotted Yuigahama, who seemed to sense uncannily that I was looking, and turned to lock eyes with me. Almost immediately, she blushed and looked away.
Stop. Sending. Misleading. Signals.
Shaking my head, I moved on.
The girl right next to Yuigahama was also someone I had noticed before, if only on account of her looks and diva-like attitude. It'd be fair to say she was quite good looking, and would normally be very well-liked in class, if it hadn't been for the fact that she had the personality of a heel wrestler.
Looking at her now, though, the only exception to her temper was… Hayama. Indeed, her attention was mostly focused on him, as she tried to get him to focus just as much on her.
On the other hand, it should have been clear to even the most casual observer that while he was responding kindly enough, he certainly didn't seem to have the same attraction to her.
Unrequited feelings are a bitch. Condolences, Blondie.
Maybe that's why she was pissed off all the time. It had to be annoying to try so hard to get someone to notice you, only to get the Friendship Route, and not the Boyfriend Route.
Who else was in that group?
Moving on, the next person my eyes landed on… was looking right at me.
Oh shit.
It was the infamous fujoshi.
One of the few people in class whose names I knew, if only because I'd run into her online on some of the forums I visited.
Ebina Hina.
Incidentally, she also happened to be an artist (a pretty good one), though the content of her art wasn't exactly to my taste. Don't get me wrong: I don't automatically hate yaoi. It's just that some people can be aggressive about getting you to like it.
Such as Ebina Hina.
Of course, she knew who I was, and was well aware I had drawn that one shot. And although she hadn't commented on it to me online, I was sure she had read it.
Now that I was observing her in the context of her group, though, it was obvious that she was somewhat of a secret outsider. A secret outsider is someone who is generally accepted by the members of a group as one of them, but who isn't really part of the group. The plastic smile she was wearing was proof of this. To be fair, she did seem to be close to Yuigahama and Blondie, but as far as the boys went, it was more like she was tolerating their presence than happy to have them around. |
As far as I could see, these were all the major players.
Since Hayama was the only common factor between the three guys, aside from the fact that they were all in the same class, it would be fair to assume that the chain mail had been sent by someone because of something to do with this class, and most likely this group.
But who could have motive to do such a thing?
And what could the motive be?
The first thought that came to mind was that they wanted to discredit these three. Since the common factor was Hayama, it could be that someone was trying to alienate them from him. And after that, what? It was conceivable that one might get some positive rub from being associated with someone like him.
But it was highly unlikely that someone who had never before spoken to him, and did not have any prior acquaintance with him, would be able to eliminate these three, and then take their place.
So it had to be someone already close to him.
So someone from within the group?
Interesting.
It was extremely clear that for the most part, Hayama was the glue holding this group together.
None of the three victims seemed particularly close to each other, evidenced by how most their comments were addressed to Hayama, and not each other. Among the girls, neither Yuigahama nor Ebina seemed particularly interested in Hayama. If anything, both of them seemed more content just being with the girls.
Which left… Blondie.
Huh. Would you look at that. Perfect Match.
The motive was different, of course. She wasn't looking to associate with him because of reputation. She simply had a crush on him.
But she was already in the same group. What could she have to gain by getting rid of these three?
Well, for one thing, the crowd thins out. Without the three of them dominating the conversation, maybe she would be able to command more of his attention.
For another, there was an immediate benefit to be had: the upcoming Workplace Visit.
It was to be carried out in groups of three.
With those three out of the running, Hayama would be alone, and she'd be able to ask him if they could be in the same group. She might also ask Yuigahama to come along as a wingwoman, since she's supportive (and may actually be a good wingwoman, now that I think about it).
Yes, the clues and circumstances fit.
If I was right, Blondie was behind the chainmail.
But I had no proof.
That was okay though. I had reached an answer, through observation and deduction. That had been the hunt. Now all that remained was to find out if I had been chasing shadows.
After school, I texted Zaimokuza.
"Hey. There's something I need help with."
"Of course I would be willing to help mine ally!"
"So a chainmail's been circulating around 2-F these days. I need you to find out who the original sender is. Can you do that?"
"It should not be overly complicated. Send me the mail in question, and I'll find out."
Sighing in relief, I forwarded it to him before heading home.
Later that evening, I got a text from Zaimokuza, with the answer.
"The number it was originally sent from appears to have been a disposable cell phone. It was registered to one Takahashi Kaori."
Of course. One would have to be incredibly stupid to send one from their own number, or any number registered to their actual name. Takahashi Kaori must be the name Blondie had made up for this little stunt. But there wasn't any way to connect that with her, at least none that I could think of.
"Thanks, Zaimokuza."
I began to think. It would have been easy to provide the number and the alias to school authorities, or even the police, who could easily find out Takahashi Kaori's true identity. But that would have been too easy. Where was the fun in that?
Recent events had left me feeling disappointed with myself.
This was a chance to break out of that funk.
"I'll do this myself."
With that being the goal, the only method I could think of… was to get a confession out of the culprit.
This was risky. My only suspect was Blondie. If I accused her, and turned out to be wrong, or failed to make her slip up and admit the truth, then she'd be the one accusing me of slander. That wouldn't end well at all.
Besides, I wasn't going to accuse her in public, knowing she might be innocent. Even I wouldn't stoop so low.
No, I needed to know first, that she was indeed the one.
Only then would I reveal it to anyone else.
The next day at school passed by uneventfully. I still didn't have a concrete plan. I figured a good place to start would be to find out more about Blondie. Like her actual name for one.
After the bell rang, I decided to hang back outside the classroom. People left one by one. Finally, the one I was waiting for made her way out.
"Yo," I said.
Yuigahama nearly jumped in surprise.
"WAAAH! Hikki! Don't scare me like that, sheesh!"
To make her point, she proceeded to hit me a number of times with her bag. Honestly, it was so adorable, I didn't even tell her to stop.
"Sorry," I said.
She sighed and seemed to relax a little, though her cheeks were now red, and she was fidgeting.
"So, what do you want?"
"There was something I needed to talk to you about."
Right away, all her existing symptoms went into overdrive as she spluttered.
"S-s-s-something you needed to talk about? W-well, you could have just waited till I got to the Clubroom, ehehe…"
She laughed nervously.
I shook my head.
"Actually, it has to be in private."
Her eyes widened, and her mouth opened slightly.
"H-Hikki… I- I don't think I'm ready… besides, aren't you-"
I interrupted her. I really needed her help with this.
"It won't be that difficult! Trust me, we can do this. Come on!"
With that, I began to walk quickly, and she hurried to keep up!
"Hikki! Slow down!"
I led us to one of the few spots in the school where there was little chance of our being overheard, a back staircase that led to the tennis courts.
"Okay, we can talk here."
Yuigahama's face was quite red, and she was furtively glancing at me.
"So what did you want to talk about?"
I looked around a little to make sure no one was close by.
"It's about the whole chain mail situation."
Right away, the weird expression on Yuigahama's face disappeared, replaced by a dead stare.
She took a deep breath.
A moment later, I felt a foot descend on my own, fairly hard.
"OOOUCHHH! The fuck is wrong with you, woman!"
"Stupid Hikki! I should have known… there was no way it could be that. After all…"
"No way it could be what, exactly? And after all, what?"
She glared at me for a second.
"Hmph! Never mind."
"Oi, don't you dare pull that move with me. I know what a girl means when she says "never mind" or "it's nothing"! I've read enough manga to know that!"
"Life isn't manga, silly Hikki!"
Yuigahama was snickering slightly, at my expense of course. It took a moment to realize that Yuigahama of all people had just scored a point off me.
My face was glowing with shame.
"S-stop laughing, damn it!"
Her giggling changed to full out laughter at that, and I was left fuming, with no way to counterattack.
"This absolutely sucks. I'm going home, you can figure this out by yourself."
"Wh- Hikki, wait! Hikki!"
She grabbed onto my backpack to stop me from leaving.
"I'm sorry, I was just kidding."
"Huh. You were having a good time roasting me. Maybe you can handle this case without my help."
I was acting like a kid. She knew it. I certainly knew it. She decided to play along anyway.
"I'm sorry, Hikki. We need your help, OK? So don't leave."
I sighed. As much as this was functioning as cold water to my ego, the burn had already happened.
Still slightly miffed, I turned around and looked at her.
Yuigahama still had a bit of a smile on her face. The weird nervousness she'd had around me for the past few days was gone. All of the strange tension had disappeared, along with that distance that had seemed to spring up.
"So? Will you tell me what you wanted to say?"
I took a deep breath.
"Well, I wanted to talk to you about the people you hang out with."
"Hmm? What for?"
"In order to understand who might have a reason to do this, I need to know as much as I can."
"But I already told you about Tobechhi, Ooka and Yamato."
"They aren't the only ones. I need to know about the others around them too."
"Eh? Really?"
"That's how detective work goes."
Yuigahama seemed to accept my claim.
"OK. I can't tell you anything personal, but I'll try and help."
I nodded.
"What's the name of the blonde girl who keeps doting on Hayama?"
Immediately, Yuigahama's eyes narrowed.
"Why are you so curious about her, Hikki?"
I chopped her lightly on the top of the head.
"Focus, Yuigahama. Contrary to what you might believe, I'm not trying to get into the pants of every girl I see."
"H-Hikki! That's lewd! Gross!"
"You're the one who was thinking it, woman!"
We glared at each other for a while before she finally relented.
"Miura Yumiko," she said at last. She narrowed her eyes again. "Are you really not asking for personal reasons?"
I rolled my eyes.
"So, what's she like? Is she as rude as she appears? Or is that only reserved for commoners?"
Yuigahama punched me lightly.
"She's not rude at all! Well, okay, she might come across that way, but she's actually nice."
"Really? Because it kinda seemed like she was treating everybody except for Hayama like trash."
"No, that's just how she is. She can sound a bit bossy. And she is, I guess? But she also cares a lot, you know?"
"Oh?"
"Yeah. There was this one time we went to an amusement park. I wasn't doing so well on the rides, but I didn't want to tell anyone, since it would ruin everyone's day. Yumiko chan noticed, and got us all to stop. She took me home after that."
My eyes widened.
"And there was this other time Ebina chan was having a hard time at a bookstore. Some boys were making fun of her because of… you know, the stuff she reads. Yumiko chan put them right in their place."
Well, from what I was hearing, Miura Yumiko couldn't be that bad a person. But if that was true, would she try to throw people under the bus just to land a pseudo-date with the guy she was crushing on?
"What about the guys in the group? Does she get along with them?"
"Eh? Well… it gets a little awkward at times because she can be scary, but I don't think she minds them too much."
Hmm. Not as close to the guys. Maybe she doesn't consider them friends. It would explain why she'd be willing to throw them under.
"You can't really blame her for it. She's known us for a lot longer. Tobecchi, Yamato and Ooka have only been hanging out with us since we got to second year. It'll take some time before she can accept them, you know?"
So said Yuigahama. I knew all too well that it was entirely possible for someone to be very kind to those they cared for, and completely cruel to those they didn't. Was a person like that to be considered kind, or cruel?
Neither. Both.
It's easy to classify fictional characters as good or evil.
Much harder to do so for real people.
We aren't walking characterizations, or sublimations of a single idea. Human beings are full of contradictions, duality, flaws and virtues. Sometimes… the best and worst of qualities can be found in the same people.
"Hey, Hikki. You've asked a lot of questions. Can I ask you something now?"
"Sure," I answered absent-mindedly. I was trying to decide what the information I'd just gained meant for my theory.
"Do you like Hiratsuka Sensei?"
I all but stumbled and fell.
"W-what?"
"Do you like Hiratsuka Sensei?" Yuigahama repeated calmly, looking right into my eyes. She seemed calm, determined. Not flustered or uncertain in the least.
"W-where did you get that from? That's ridiculous, haha-"
"Hikki. It's okay if you don't want to answer, you know."
She smiled slightly.
This was not the nice girl smile I had seen from her so many times before.
There was a maturity in that smile, probably one born from having had to be the nice girl for so long. I knew quite well what that entailed, having tried to be a nice guy myself, once upon a time.
Unlike me though, Yuigahama had succeeded.
Persisted in her kindness.
Perhaps, in her own way, she was far stronger than I was.
A quiet smile, tinged with a little sadness.
Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to endure that smile.
Maybe the hedonist in me refused to accept that anyone needed to be that sad, when they could be happy instead. And if all it took was answering a simple question…
"Yes, I like Sensei," I answered.
Yuigahama had asked an honest question, one that I had been brutally roasted for asking, back in middle school. The least I could do was give an honest answer.
I continued. If I'd already said this much, perhaps saying a little more couldn't hurt. I turned to face the tennis courts. In the distance, the sun was setting, just like it had been yesterday, when I'd lied.
"She's kind, and strong, and brave. I like that. Maybe a part of me wishes I could be brave like that."
I laughed bitterly.
"Isn't that just like a coward? Envying the brave, without being able to take a step forward?"
"I think Hikki is plenty brave."
I turned around.
Yuigahama's eyes glittered slightly as she looked into mine, but her gaze did not falter.
"I've never seen anyone do the things you can. Never seen anyone fight so hard. And you're scared, aren't you? Maybe that's why you try so hard to hide it. But courage can only exist where there's fear, Hikki. And even if you hide it, I know the truth."
"The truth?"
"Hikki is kind, isn't he?"
My eyes widened.
"I'm not the good guy you imagine me to be," I whispered.
"I doubt that," Yuigahama said cheerfully. "If someone is in trouble, I know Hikki can save them."
I shook my head, but Yuigahama continued.
"Hikki. I'll be brave too. I won't lose to Sensei."
My jaw dropped open, and I couldn't stop staring.
Have I mentioned before?
Yuigahama Yui is beautiful.
Before I could say a word, she turned around and ran away on light feet, leaving me standing there.