Chapter 8:

Part I- Reawakening

Regret is a curious thing. By its very nature, it only hits after you've done something. It's not a warning system. Just a voice in your head telling you that you fucked up. The other thing is, it actually holds you back. I should probably clarify. If you really did do something that you believe you shouldn't have, then your next step shouldn't be to mourn over it. You should be trying to fix things. Put them right. And that means being determined and active. So really, the only time you can give in to regret, is when you know there just isn't a way to fix what you've done. And well, if that's the case, you should be trying to minimize damage to yourself, and look forward instead to the future.

As I'm monologuing all this, I am currently laid out on the couch in front of the TV, watching a movie. I actually have decent English, but it's hard to pick up everything lifelong speakers say when they're talking at a natural pace. So I guess you could say… I was watching a dub, with subs.

"Onii chan. Are you just going to lie there the whole day?"

"Hmm, not really. I'll probably go work out in the afternoon."

"So you're going to skip school?"

"Yeah."

I heard a sigh of dissatisfaction, before Komachi walked over and stood in front of me. I tried to peer around her, but she stepped to the side, blocking my view of the screen.

"You mind?" I said.

Komachi grunted as she grabbed the remote and turned off the TV.

"Hey, I was watching that."

"Onii chan, are you going to tell me what happened yesterday?"

I looked up at her. I could see the concern on her face. While she's a bit of an airhead in some matters, she's also pretty stable in some ways. Ways that I'm not. That feels a little weird for an older brother to be saying. But maybe that's we get along better than most siblings. We have complementary strengths and weaknesses.

"Shouldn't you be commenting on how my eyes look even more dead than usual?"

"Onii chan, this isn't a joke. Tell me what happened."

There was an earnestness to her voice that made me hesitate for a moment.

"Nothing that's outside what I normally do," I answered. "I had fun."

"You don't look like you did."

I thought back to the events of the day before.

Did it really matter to me? What anyone thought about me?

I didn't care what 2-F thought. They'd spread the word, and eventually, the whole school would know. Maybe it already did. But that doesn't matter to me either.

Hedonism is defined as a theory that states that the pursuit of pleasure, and satisfying one's desires, is the highest and true goal of life. I think I picked that definition off a Google search. Certainly, I didn't really spend any time studying what any of the philosophers had to say about it. Ironically, that didn't sound fun at all. No, I'd just happened to meet someone once upon a time, who told me that having fun was the only thing worth doing in life. I ended up taking his advice, and trying living like that. Very soon, I realized that things aren't really black or white, some kind of obvious binary. In the very short term, if one chooses to, say, just laze around and watch an anime, it'll probably be fun. But over a longer period of time, if one does only things like that, their life would turn to shit, wouldn't it? Physical weakness from inactivity, mental sluggishness from not using their list goes on and on. Eventually, they'd get to the point where they wouldn't even be able to enjoy the simple act of watching an anime. So I had to ask myself: what kind of a life would I enjoy?

The answer had been simple. I wanted a life where I could do the things I was interested in. Do them well. And I wanted one where I could relax and indulge in the things I liked as well. And I wanted real, deep pleasure. How can I explain it? It's like a video game. You know how easy games just sort of end up feeling like a grind? Like you finish the 20 hour campaign mode or whatever, and you say "I finished the game" and you move on to next one. Doesn't that sound like a chore? Instead, think about what happens when you play something challenging. A game that tests everything, and punishes you for mistakes. You spend hours and make many failed attempts, before you finally beat that one boss. And when you do, you're ecstatic. You jump for joy. You feel like a badass. And you revel in using the weapons you gained as a reward after beating the guy. It's like that. I wanted real fulfilment, the sort I could only get by doing things I considered important to me.

So I hit upon a balance. Anything really worth doing is challenging, but not as hard as it's made out to be by people who refuse to put in effort. If I could endure some not-fun moments everyday, then over time, I'd get results. And I'd still have enough free time in a day to indulge myself. So that's what I did. One year of smart work. One year of putting in just the right amount of hard work. Not so much that I burnt myself out. Not so little that I didn't make progress. I was doing the right things, because I was doing the research. And I maintained a balance. Working hard enough that I was making progress, but not so hard that I was burning myself out. And I gave myself plenty of freedom to do other stuff.

And that worked for me.

In one year, I was able to become a Hikigaya Hachiman the old me wouldn't have been able to dream of.

All the traits that I'd associated with cool guys, I had. I was in shape. I could fight. I was good at art. I could win at video games.

And I realized, I'd only been able to do all this because I was willing to endure the difficulty, to make the struggle and put in the work.

That was how my first year at Soubu High came to an end. With me having developed a version of hedonism I could live with. My new abilities made life fun for me. I liked being able to sit down and draw a thicc girl who looked good. I liked being able to pick a Mishima and do electric wind god fists. I liked being able to spar with guys, being able to counter their jabs with crosses.

This was motivation for me to keep going. Surely it'd be even more fun if I got even better at all of this. But of course, even when one is working for the sake of better play, one must still take some time off, and just… well, play. So I remained an otaku. Indulged to the fullest in everything I enjoyed.

All in all, life was pretty good.

And well, that was around when I met… well, you know who.

I joined the Service Club.

I had already learnt that enduring struggle in the short term can ensure fulfilment and joy in the long term.

And I made a decision.

The reason was simple.

Helping her would make me happy. That was what I believed. It was why I joined the club.

And, to my surprise, it wasn't as much of a slog as I thought it would be.

On the contrary, just simply helping people was fun, especially if I could show them everything they had to gain from choosing their own happiness.

And so, I spent my days in the Service Club. All that time in that room, was I simply deceiving myself?

I thought simply helping Hiratsuka Sensei would make me happy. Just as I thought fulfilling Yuigahama's request would. Being able to single-handedly antagonize an entire classroom should have been a welcome bonus.

How many people can say they've told all their classmates to fuck off, right to their face?

It should have been a win for me.

And if so…

Why did I feel like I'd lost?

I looked at Komachi, who was waiting for my answer, looking worried.

Reaching over, I patted her head.

"Hey. I'm fine. I had fun. I just feel like taking a day off, that's all. Now go on. I'll have food ready before you come back."

The worried expression didn't fade. Her eyes glittered, and I wondered for a moment if I'd just pushed her away the same way I'd done with Sensei yesterday. That fear faded quickly. If the bond between us was that fragile, it wouldn't have lasted this long anyway. Instead, she smiled sadly.

"I see. Then later, Onii chan."

I watched her leave for school, then sighed and leaned my head on the couch.

"I can do it all by myself, can't I?"

I turned off the TV, then found myself going up the stairs, into my room. Once inside, I went to my closet, and opened it. Right at the bottom was a cardboard box, taped up. I took it out, and stared at it. Wondering, if it might be all right. If this time, I could do this.

The face from more than a year ago appeared.

"You going to do it? Look at your own past?"

I shook my head.

"You've got the courage, have you? To remember?"

I got up. Heart pounding hard, I put the box away and shut the door.

Later that afternoon, I hit the gym. It was a good time to go. Most people were either at work or school, so the place was far less crowded than usual.

One of the coaches who trained me was around.

"Eh, Hikigaya? Not at school today?"

"Hanma Sensei. Nah, didn't feel like it."

Hanma Sensei was only a little bit older than me, and not a lot taller, though he was in phenomenal shape. I'd once asked him if he was a competitive bodybuilder or something, but he'd told me that wasn't the case. He was simply interested in getting stronger. He was one of the guys who'd taught me the basics, and helped me a lot with the forms, with diet, and advice.

He also had a strange, carefree attitude that I admired.

Right now, he was looking at me with strangely perceptive eyes. I'd often thought he noticed far more than he let on. But if he was able to sense my mood, he didn't say anything about it.

"I see," he said. "Then how about we go hard today?"

What followed was an intense back and biceps workout. We lifted pretty heavy, hitting deadlifts, pull ups, rows, bar and hammer curls. Training with Hanma Sensei was always great. Not only did he motivate me to squeeze out a little extra, whether it meant a little more weight or a few more reps, but it also put things into perspective. That tends to happen when the guy training you is casually pulling 200 kilos off the ground. There's a saying around the gym that his back resembles a demon's face with all the visible muscular development on it, which is a really interesting way of looking at the anatomy, artistically speaking.

By the time it was over, I was honestly feeling… much better?

I hadn't been thinking about anything while lifting. Just focusing on maintaining form, on feeling the muscles work. On moving the weight. When it was done, I was tired, and sore. But there was something refreshing about having exerted myself to that extent. As if it had wrung every unnecessary thought out of my brain.

A towel came flying, and I caught it.

"Thanks," I said.

Hanma Sensei gave me a thumbs up.

"You feeling a little better?" he asked.

Caught by surprise, I could only nod.
"Y-yeah."

"Heh. That's good. You were starting to look a little… defeated. It doesn't suit you."

My eyes widened in surprise. Hanma Sensei, despite being friendly and polite, didn't often comment on anything personal.

Thus, hearing this coming from him actually managed to bring a smile onto my face.

"Wow, if even you're bringing it up, I must have been looking pretty awful."

He chuckled.

"You could say that."

Pausing slightly, he went on.

"Don't take yourself too seriously, Hikigaya. Life goes on."

"Yeah. Yeah, it does. Thanks, Sensei."

I walked out of the gym, feeling considerably better than I had been when I came in.

On the way back, I grabbed some groceries. I can't really cook much, but I guess I can make a halfway decent curry, so that is what I fixed up. I left some for Komachi, and had my fill. Once that was done, I headed to my room.

I felt calmer now, able to think clearly.

As I sat down to play some Tekken, I realized the internet was down. That basically meant no online mode, so I could only go singleplayer. Well, that was okay. One sometimes needed to hit practice mode too. As a matter of fact, fighting game players know that that's actually where most of one's time is spent if you're gaming at home. I normally played Kazuya, but on this occasion, I decided to pick Yoshi.

Yoshi was fascinating to play for a number of reasons. One of them was that he was basically a rule breaker. Many of the stuff that applied to other characters didn't apply to him. He was strong in ways others weren't, but also had weaknesses that others lacked. To be a really good Yoshi player, what you needed was instinct.

The ability to get a hard read on the opponent. To know what he's about to do, before he does it, and use that to do damage to him.

Of course, animation wise, he had some truly insane moves to fit that playstyle. Stabbing the opponent through himself, using his sword as a rotor to fly, a variety of rolling and spinning kicks, and even the ability to self-heal.

Which basically meant, he was a lot of fun to play if you just wanted to party.

I went through some of his combos in training mode before starting up treasure battle. While the AI was relatively easy to play against, this mode was still fun because of the items you could win. A few matches in, I realized something.

It's more fun when it's multiplayer.

Well, that was fairly obvious. Fighting games are meant to be played with other people.

But I wasn't just talking about games.

This was the first day in a while that I hadn't seen or spoken to Zaimokuza, Totsuka. Yukinoshita. Yuigahama. And even Sensei.

I… miss them?

But even if that was so, I couldn't just turn up the next day and pretend everything was fine.

Why had I done what I had done?

If I truly did things only for fun, there was no reason for it.

The answer was so obvious, it took a while to sink in.

I wanted to protect Yuigahama's group because it would make her happy.

And I had been sure that would make me happy.

Yet, here we were.

I hadn't won anything.

I'd lost.

Why? Why did I feel that way?

I had no chance with Sensei. And I couldn't just give my own leftovers to Yuigahama. Yet, walking away from both of them had hurt.

I liked them.

I liked them both.

I liked spending time with them. I liked all the good things about them. Heck, even the so-called bad things were adorable.

Then why had I run away?

"Well, you were afraid, weren't you?"

The face was back, the face of the one who had changed my life at a gaming arcade, more than a year ago.

"Afraid? I'm not afraid of anything."

"Not even admitting that you don't want to be alone?"

I hadn't been alone.

Was that what I wanted to say?

I hadn't made it this far on my own. Coaches, masters, online teachers, people from various communities. I'd accepted all their help. After coming to Soubu, I'd even allowed two different people to call me a friend.

Yet, had I ever truly let myself think any of them was close to me?

I could understand that many of those relationships weren't really meant to be that close in the first place. But even so.

Not a single one?

Not even those I knew as friends, not just as teachers or peers?

And what about family? I'm not particularly close to my parents.

And haven't I been pushing even Komachi away?

Deep inside, isn't that what I was trying to tell myself?

I can do it all alone.

I didn't need to rely on anyone.

If I was good enough, I could have all the fun I wanted, all by myself.

Was I so afraid of being rejected by Sensei, that I had pushed her away first?

Was I so afraid of not being good enough for Yuigahama, that I had made it impossible for her to spend time with me?

Was I so afraid that whatever I had with Zaimokuza and Totsuka, was just the same as the countless fake friendships I saw everywhere?

And was I so afraid of being a burden to my own sister that I had stopped relying on her at all?

"Hey, are you doing it? Are you being a badass?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? Right about now, I'm the exact opposite of everything I want to be."

I turned off the game and stood up.

Maybe a day off was exactly what I needed. Some perspective.

There was something else I needed to do.

I made my way over to the closet, and took out the sealed box.

Cautiously, I peeled off the tape and separated the flaps to reveal its contents. I wasn't going to go through it all. I wasn't ready.

But there was at least one thing I needed to remember properly.

I found what I was looking for.

A simple photograph, with the edges rather crumpled. It was a little yellowed, but still quite clear and recognizable.

There were two people in it. One of them was a kid with somewhat untidy hair, and eyes that were still alive back then, shining with brilliant naivete and innocence.

The other was the person who had single-handedly changed my life.

So that's what your face looks like.

"Hmph. Still a brat, aren't you? Well, you seem to have regrown a pair of balls, I see."

"Hey… thanks. For everything. I can't remember all of it. But one day, I will."

There was no answer. Photographs don't reply.

All I saw was the invincible smile of someone who lived life his own way, and was ready to face the world for it.

I put it away, and closed the box once more. For now, this would be enough. I still wasn't ready to remember.

But I had regained sight of who I was, and what I needed to do.

"Walk away? Make myself a sacrifice? Fuck. That. Shit. I'll take it all. I'll eradicate everything that isn't fun from existence."

Komachi came back shortly afterwards, and I decided to go down to greet her.

"Yo. There's food on the table. Help yourself."

"Onii chan… did something good happen?"

"Eh?"

"It's just, you look happy about something."

"Hmm. Maybe it's just because I'm me. Anyone would be happy if they were this cool."

She gave me a dead stare.

"Well, I'm glad your confidence has recovered, at any rate."

"Tch. Tongue as sharp as ever."

She smiled slightly.

"Still… you look more like you normally do. Does thing mean things got better?"

I decide to be honest.

"Not yet. There's work to be done. But I'm through with giving up."

"Onii chan… you're not going to do anything crazy again, are you?"

"But of course. Reject common sense to make the impossible possible, as a great man once said."

"Onii chan! Can't you be serious for once?"

Hmph.

Walking over to her, I patted her gently on the head.

"You worry a lot about me, huh? Well, I guess I do a lot of stupid stuff. But worrying is the older brother's job. Let me act cool in front of you once in a while."

"O-Onii chan!"

As I knew quite well, Komachi was actually weak to anything resembling an open acknowledgement of affection.

"And don't worry. I do rely on you. When the time comes, help me out, okay?"

"Y-you bet I will!" she said. "So whatever it is you're planning tomorrow, you better not mess it up, Onii chan!"

"Hmph! Not planning on it!"

Part II- Clutch

The next day, I woke up feeling like a million bucks. Showered, brushed, got dressed. Decided to change up the look a little.

Ditch the blazer?

Ditch the blazer.

If you got arms, show them off, right?

Probably fix the hair a bit too. If a heel is what they're expecting, no point being a tweener.

Swept it back a bit instead,

Not bad. Not bad at all.

As an artist, I knew that different elements of appearance added up, modifying the overall look. If you're a jacked guy, but you you slouch, wear baggy clothes and have poor hygiene, people will just think it's fat. They won't know about all those hard hours you put in at the gym.

For me, I guess the bed hair and the eyes kinda added up to make me look slovenly? With the hair swept back and looking neat, I'd say I took at least 5 percent off the so-called rottenness of these eyes, and added 10 percent to how sharp they looked.

Oh, by the way, I like my eyes just fine how they are. They're pretty great in every way, and the artist in me has benefited a lot from them.

So presenting them properly is something I can get behind.

I checked myself a final time in the mirror.

I look like the kinda guy a teacher would put in detention.

Good. Because I need that extra time with her.

Satisfied, I grabbed my backpack, and made my way down for breakfast.

"Oh, Onii chan, you're ready- whaaaaaaa!"

The fork she was holding fell to the ground. I was glad it wasn't a plate. And the reaction was flattering, so there's that. But even I wouldn't sink low enough to tease her over it.

"Ah, Komachi. You made breakfast. I'm in a bit of hurry today, so I'm going to eat it on the way."

So saying, I grabbed the omelette, folded it a couple time, squeezed it between two slices of bread, took a bite out of it all, waved goodbye, and made my way out the house.

Soubu High is not so far from my home. As a matter of fact, I left early on most days, just so that I could walk there. That's what I did today as well,

But, the main character always arrives late.

So I decided to take a bit of a roundabout route, and ended up entering the school premises mere minutes before the gates were supposed to be closed.

There were plenty of others also coming in, and as expected, a few of them noticed me and started whispering.

Oh yeah, I'm famous now, right? Can't disappoint my fans, then.

I mock bowed to them as I passed, and to my satisfaction, they looked away, faces red.

As I was about to enter the building that housed 2F, I found a trio of boys blocking my way.

They started coming my way.

"Hey, you're the guy who messed with Hayato, aren't y-"

"Fuck outta my way, NPC."

I facepalmed him aside, right into his buddy, making them both tumbled away. The final remaining guy rushed in, but I saw his saw his swing coming from six miles away, so I ducked and gut punched him.

"Level up and come at me again. I'll crush you as many times as you want."

The Style Rank on the right side of the screen was up to a C.

Hmm. Not bad at all.

As I made my way up the stairs, I ran into other groups, talking various kinds of shit about me.

"Pretty brave, pretty brave. Takes a lot of guts to stand with a bunch of others and insult a lone guy, huh?"

Style Rank has risen to a B.

I had reached the corridor my class was on, and ran into a familiar face.

"Hikigaya kun."

"Yukinoshita."

I wondered what her reaction would be. I hadn't had a chance to see it, after all.

To my surprise, she gave an expression I didn't think she knew how to do: a sly smile.

"How does it feel to officially be Lowlife kun?"

From a lot of experience, I knew the difference between a demeaning insult and a friendly one.

"Feels damn good."

"Hmph. I'll see you at Club."

"Likewise."

Now this was strange.

Had my little stunt actually won Yukinoshita's respect? I had no idea how that even worked.

But the Style Rank was up to an A.

I reached 2F and slid the door all the way open.

Make or break.

Back in middle school, my mistake had been trusting others. Time and again, I'd been let down.

And here I was, once again trying to win people over.

This was a risk.

If Totsuka and Yuigahama turned their backs on me, it would mean we never had anything in the first place. That I had been right to push them away. But if there was a bond between us, then they wouldn't turn their back on me.

To rely on someone takes courage too, huh? To believe that what you have is real.

To trust is to take a risk.

But what even is a life where you can't believe in yourself, believe in others?

To bravely cross the fence to see the grass on the other side for oneself, that's my hedonism.

I'll put my loner's pride on the line then. And I'll bet it on you. That what we have is real. That it's the genuine thing.

I looked, and took in the sight that awaited me.

There were many faces in there, but I ignored them, focusing on the ones I was looking for.

I spotted one of them. Totsuka was quite popular even after his transformation, but he didn't really have a clique in class.

Wave test? Wave test.

I raised a hand slightly as I looked at him.

"Yo."

It was asking a lot. After the stunt I had pulled. To expect anyone, even a friend, to pretend that none of that had happened, would be unfair.

Besides, I'd never ask for anything so small.

From a friend, I'd want loyalty, even with them knowing everything I'd done.

"Hell of party when I was last here, huh?" I said, making my meaning pretty clear.

Totsuka's eyes widened for a moment in surprise.

This is it. Show me what you got.

And then, his face twisted into a grin I couldn't imagine on the old Totsuka's face.

"Party, huh? You mean the bit where you told everyone here to go fuck themselves?"

"That exact bit, yeah."

"Heh. You gotta pre-invite me to this shit, Hikigaya. My young heart can't take all these surprises."

Nailed it.

Under the sarcastic smile, I could see it: a sense of gladness on his face. So he was happy that I was relying on him, huh? Come to think of it, Totsuka's goal was to be a man. Isn't a man happy when he knows he can be relied on?

I nodded slightly, trying my best to convey my appreciation without making it too obvious.

And then I turned to the other person here who I cared about.

Yuigahama was staring at me, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing.

Was that just shock, or was she happy to see me?

Guess we're going to find out.

I raised my hand slightly.

"Yo. Been a minute, huh?"

If I had asked a lot from Totsuka, I was asking even more from Yuigahama.

Her group pretty much hated me.

And I would lose no sleep over it at all.

But I would lose sleep if I lost Yuigahama to these punks.

I'm taking her from you.

Her eyes were wide, and glittering. She couldn't have expected this. Guess I was putting the feelings she'd confessed to the test.

It was unfair of me.

Asking her to choose between her friends and me.

But I was all right with that.

I'd tried the sacrifice route, and seen already where that would lead.

No more.

For a moment, we just stared at each other. It couldn't have been more than a second. But it seemed like an eternity. I feared that maybe, maybe I'd be the one losing here.

Then…

"Hikki…"

The mask shattered, and a smile of pure happiness spread on her face.

If anyone could have been certain, even without knowing, what I had been doing when I'd made enemies of the entire class, it was Yuigahama. And despite that, she wasn't going to pretend like the moments we'd shared hadn't happened.

So it was the real thing, huh?

I felt a deep satisfaction, right in the core of my being, a sense of contentment.

So this is the happiness I've been looking for.

I grinned.

I'll have more of this.

"Y-Yui, what's wrong with you? Don't talk to that creep!" said Miura, grabbing one of her arms.

Sorry. I won't be losing to you either.

Break another unspoken rule?

Break another unspoken rule.

"Hey, Yui," I said. "There's a vending machine on the ground floor that sells MAXX Coffee. Wanna hang out there during lunch?"

I'd probably underestimated the effect of this brokenly overpowered move.

Yui was blushing madly, barely able to look up from the floor.

"Y-Yui?!" Miura staggered backwards, and most everyone in that clique seemed like they couldn't believe what they were seeing.

"Yui, don't tell me…"

But Yui wasn't listening to her anymore.

Looking up, she met my eye, and nodded shyly.

"Mmm. Okay, Hikki."

Style Rank has hit SSS.

More importantly, I won.

I cared about them both. Yuigahama and Totsuka. And I wasn't going to give either of them up.

I moved towards my desk, and as I did so, I heard footsteps behind me, and knew who it must be.

Reaching the desk, I turned around to face one other person who I wouldn't be giving up.

Hiratsuka Shizuka had arrived for homeroom.