Chapter 9: Life Goes On

"Hikigaya. Why aren't you in class?"

I was standing in the staff room, just outside a certain cubicle. Inside it, clothed as ever in her trademark lab coat, was Hiratsuka Shizuka. Needless to say, I wasn't supposed to be here. Class was ongoing, and I was skipping it. But I had to speak with her. And it couldn't be pushed back. I'd come this far by ignoring logic. If I started to be cautious now, I wouldn't succeed.

"Because I need to talk to you."

"Japanese isn't until 8th period. It can wait till then."

There it was again.

This was the face she'd shown me a day ago, when I'd told her she couldn't always help everyone. The face of a teacher speaking to her student, and nothing more. A face that clearly showed the boundaries of our relationship, a barrier that would prevent me from ever stepping beyond that. It wasn't the face she'd shown me before. Gone was the carefree smile or the confident grin she had when we traded references to old anime that were long past the peak of their popularity. Despite being so much younger, maybe in some way, I felt more like her than I did like any of my classmates. Perhaps it was because I never really fit in. Didn't quite see the world the same way, or follow the same unspoken rules. Just like her. As much as this might be oversimplifying things, Hiratsuka Shizuka was a weirdo who wore a lab coat though she wasn't a science teacher. She liked imitating Kenshiro and making references to obscure manga from a decade ago. And I was a weirdo who went around acting like I was a protagonist in some story too, and somehow protected from the rules of the real world, though I knew I wasn't.

Neither of us was realistic. I already knew that.

Hiratsuka Shizuka's undying, unbreakable idealism, of helping others even when they don't appreciate you for it.

And Hikigaya Hachiman's unshakeable, invincible hedonism, of reaching out for people and things, even when I knew I was asking for too much.

We were the same breed of illogical people, and I admired that in her.

To give up and change oneself to fit a mould was to admit defeat.

And neither of us had done that.

We had both come this far by facing our respective paths of most resistance.

And maybe that's why, I had considered her a kindred spirit.

And perhaps, somewhere inside, I had been arrogant enough to believe that she had seen me the same way too.

And I'd revelled in that closeness we'd had, closer than a teacher and student should have.

Until she'd increased the distance. Brought it to the level it should have been at in the first place.

But I couldn't just let things end that way.

I'd tried to rationalize it.

Tell myself that it could never work out.

That a teacher and a student could never be together the way I imagined.

That she just wouldn't be interested in me, or even take me seriously.

That even if we somehow ended up together, eventually, it would turn bad, since pretty much the world would be against it.

But really, all of those are just excuses, aren't they?

I can keep telling myself why I can't do it… or I can go ahead and do it.

"This isn't about Japanese," I said.

"Is it about the Service Club then? Has there been a problem?"

I noticed she was avoiding any mention of the scene from a day ago. She had to have heard about it.

But that was neither here nor there.

"It's not about studies, or club activities. I'm not here right now as a student. I'm just here as… me."

That seemed to take her aback slightly.

For just a moment, the face she had put on seemed to flicker, revealing the person underneath. But then the mask was back on.

"Dramatic as always, Hikigaya. I don't really have time for your games, so get back to class."

She's trying to shut me down, reminding me of the difference in our positions.

But I can't allow this to end that way.

"I'm not playing," I said. "If anything, you're the child here."

Her eyes flashed with anger.

"Hikigaya, remember your place."

Good, I've got her nice and pissed.

Yukinoshita is the type to get colder with anger. A fight against her is a fight against her ideology.

But Hiratsuka Shizuka is nothing like that.

Like me, she understands a simple fact.

Ideologies don't fight, or win fights. People do.

So when clutch comes to clutch, she won't beat around the bush. She'll strike back.

And if anger is the only genuine emotion I can get out of her right now, then I'll take it.

"What's the matter? You don't like hearing the truth? Here's some more of it then. Giving the cold shoulder is a high school move. You're angry, so you're going to pretend like I don't exist? I've seen people in my class react more maturely than that, and that's saying something."

"Shut your mouth, Hikigaya! You need to learn some respect. You think because I'm lenient you can just get away with whatever?"

She's standing up now, all facades gone, anger clear to see.

At long last, I've managed to break through the mask.

Knowing that brings a smile onto my face.

"It's because I respect you," I said, bowing slightly. "That I can't accept not being taken seriously by you. I realize that I offended you the other day. And I wanted to apologize… to the real you. Not someone who wasn't listening."

I looked up, and saw the anger replaced by surprise.

Was I getting through to her? I needed to do that.

"I'm not here today as the Hikigaya Hachiman of 2F, someone in your homeroom class, who learns Modern Japanese from you. I'm here as the Hikigaya Hachiman who respects not just Hiratsuka Shizuka the teacher, but the Hiratsuka Shizuka that chooses to be a teacher. I'm here because there was something you needed to know… no, something I needed to say."

By now, the initial anger was gone from her. I waited for her to respond, to give some sign of what she was feeling.

"Sigh. Always so dramatic, huh? Well, I can't pretend like I haven't encouraged it."

I watched, as a somewhat wry smile finally made its way onto her face.

"Well, I suppose I can hear you out, since you went to all the trouble of skipping class for this."

I looked at her.

Yes, this was definitely the face I'd come to know.

One that didn't look down on you. One that was kind. Yet, it wasn't kindness that I wanted from her.

"Sensei… a day ago, when I was here, you wanted to help. You'd noticed that I was troubled by something. That's only to be expected, I suppose. You're quite perceptive compared to others."

"Nice backhanded compliment."

"I'm new to this, okay?"

I took a breath to calm down.

"At the time, I didn't want your help, because I didn't want you to know the reason I was troubled."

Yes, this was what had caused the distance in the first place.

Sensei had always treated me as someone closer than an ordinary student. By saying that she couldn't help me, by refusing to confide in her, I was doing to her the exact same thing my middle school classmates had done to me.

I was basically saying that she thought we were closer than we actually were.

That was how she interpreted it, and I couldn't blame her for it.

Just now, it occurred to me, that given her reaction, this couldn't be the first time this had happened to her.

Loners are once bitten, twice shy.

I'm the same way, so it's a miracle I've even been able to reach out to everyone again the way I have. Maybe there really is a God, and he's boosting my stats, just for the day.

And that was why, I needed to correct her misinterpretation.

"I'll come out and say it, Sensei. The reason I didn't want you to know wasn't because I didn't want to confide in you, or because I felt you couldn't help. It was simply because if I told you, things might not be the same between us anymore. I guess I was afraid of losing… this, whatever it is."

She took a moment to absorb all of what I'd said. I watched all of the subtle emotions play across her face, before she ultimately smiled. It was a reassuring smile, and much the same as my own crazy efforts on this day: someone taking the risk, and believing in the bonds they have, choosing to let that courage overcome their fear of being played, of being abandoned. For a moment, I wondered what Sensei's story was. In hindsight, my past with Orimoto was nothing special. I was saved by someone. I wonder what had happened with her. Had she been saved too? Or did she have to pick herself up and keep moving… by herself?

"You should have a bit more faith, Hikigaya. I'm not going anywhere."

Yes, that sounded like her all right.

"If you hear this, you might not feel the same way."

"Maybe so," she said softly. "But you want to say it anyway, don't you?"

I nodded.

"All right. Here goes."

I took a deep breath and exhaled.

"You once said that I was the right person to recruit for the Club, didn't you? Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. But I definitely didn't join for the reason you think I did. Sure, I found out that helping people is fun. And… I was fortunate enough to meet some people I'll keep close from now. But those weren't the reasons I joined back then."

I looked at her. This was it then. No turning back.

"It's extremely rare for someone to be genuine in their desire to help others. Even more so for them to have the determination to go through with it, though they might not receive anything in return. Not even acknowledgement or gratitude. I looked at you, and I saw a woman fighting the world alone, using the flimsiest, most unreliable weapon of all time: kindness. And somehow, she was still standing. I was blown away."

I realized that Sensei had gone silent. She wasn't saying anything anymore, nor could I read her face.

I guess now that I had come this far, all that remained was to go all the way, and tell the whole truth.

"I fell in love," I said, not quite able to look her in the face. "And I told myself, I'm going to help this woman, because it might be fun. Really, though, I was just looking for a way to get closer to her. It's pathetic in hindsight, really. Even I know that it's vain and entitled to expect someone to like you just because you did something for them. But I guess I wasn't thinking straight. I wanted to try any method I could, if it meant you'd see me clearly. In the end, it didn't work though. Not until I said it directly."

I paused and managed to look up and face her.

"Sensei, I like you. I'd do anything for us to be together. I know I'm younger, but please give me a chance. I'll make it work!"

With everything I had in my heart laid out at last, I waited with bated breath for her answer.

Sensei seemed surprised enough that I couldn't really tell which way this would go.

A part of me was afraid she'd just dismiss all of this as an elaborate joke. After all, we'd tried to one up each other by recreating scenes from various manga before. Doing a confession scene would definitely beat out anything either of us had done though, even if it would be a little cruel.

I was wondering if I'd have to shout, scream myself hoarse, do anything at all that she asked me to, to prove that I was being serious.

But none of that was needed.

The expression on her face changed, to one that showed she had understood.

My heart was pounding fit to burst.

"Hikigaya… thank you."

And this was when I realized.

Right now, she wasn't looking down on me, nor seeing me as a teacher sees her student. It was Hiratsuka Shizuka seeing Hikigaya Hachiman.

It was still a kindly smile on her face, a happy one even. But it wasn't the one I was hoping for.

"Thank you for your feelings, but I can't return them. Sorry, Hikigaya."

Well, at the very least, she didn't sugarcoat it, or overdo it trying to soften the blow.

"I see," I said. I smiled. It was a bittersweet smile, but I wasn't holding any grudges. Unlike with Orimoto, I at least knew for a fact Sensei wouldn't try to use this against me.

I actually felt lighter now, having gotten it all out of my system. Had I actually thought, even for a second, that this would work?

Now that would be laughable.

"Hikigaya…" Sensei began. "If you need to talk-"

"That's quite enough, Sensei. A man can take no for an answer, but he definitely can't accept pity."

I grinned slightly, indicating that it was a lighthearted jab, not to be taken in earnest. Well, this was about all. No need to stretch a scene out longer than it needs to be.

"I have a class to get back to, and probably a detention to collect. Later, Sensei."

With that, I walked away without waiting for an answer.

As I walked down the corridor, I reflected on the day so far.

Well, I got Yui and Totsuka back. Turns out Yukinoshita was on my side too. I'm pretty sure Zaimokuza wouldn't turn his back on me either. And of course, Komachi wouldn't leave either. I have a lot to be thankful for, don't I?

Yeah.

This is fine.

"Do you have any regrets?"

I could see his face clearly in my head.

"Not a single one," I said aloud, holding my fist up in the air. It was childish, but that's fine. We can act immature once in a while.

What, did the reader think I was going to be crushed by a single rejection? Hikigaya Hachiman isn't that weak.

As it turned out, I was given a couple of extra assignments, but nothing I couldn't handle. The other classes passed by quite normally.

No mention was made of any of the craziness of a day ago, and for that, I was glad.

Come lunch, I decided to head to a certain vending machine on the ground floor. Once there, I grabbed a MAXX Coffee, and waited for the person I wanted to meet. She arrived five minutes later.

"Hikki…"

"So you showed up… Yui."

I put another coin in the slot, and ordered another MAXX Coffee, which I handed to her.

"Give it a try. You can dump it if you don't like it."

"O-oh. Okay…"

A brief moment of silence followed as we both enjoyed the taste of this beverage.

"Hey, Yui. You've done a lot for me, you know? And I'm real happy to have you in my life. I can say, with complete honesty, that I have feelings for you."

It was pretty much everything she could do to not spit her drink out, judging by the coughing I was hearing from the sudden attempt to swallow it all.

"H-Hikki?!"

It was true. Yui was awesome. She deserved far more than being someone's second choice, and I had not been planning on ditching her if Sensei had somehow miraculously said yes. Nor had I been planning on keeping her around as a backup.

As scummy as I could be, even I wouldn't sink so low.

Honestly, I hadn't even planned that far ahead. Coming into today, all I really knew was that I didn't want to lose any of the people I cared about, and that I wanted to express my feelings to Sensei. Everything else that came as a result, I'd deal with once it came.

"You're actually amazing. And that's why, as I am now, I know I'm not worthy," I said. "So I can't ask you out right now, nor can I say yes to you. But… I want you to stay with me. Give me some time, so that I can prove myself, and figure myself out. When I'm ready, I'll tell you how I feel."

Yeah, Yui was a girl who needed to be someone's first choice.

Definitely not a rebound off being rejected.

I'd wait till I could do right by her.

That is… if she was even willing to wait that long.

I looked at her, and for the fourth time that day, I was nervously waiting for an answer.

She smiled, and this time, it was the smile I was looking for.

"Mmm. That's fine. I'm not going anywhere, Hikki."

Maybe it's a little pathetic, but I felt better knowing I wasn't alone, and I wasn't ashamed of that. Feeling better, I took another drink from the can of MAXX.

Life… is actually pretty good.