Chapter 12: Legacy and Resolve
Shizuka's POV:
Summer holidays! The best time of the year! A time for enjoyment! Trips to the beach! Renewing gym memberships! Reducing alcohol intake and regaining reverse heel kicks! Also, a time to catch up on all the Vento Aureo episodes one has been saving up! And, of course, a time to be able to hang out with friends, family and your significant other! Ahahaha… yeah, no. Life, unfortunately, isn't that easy. You'd think that a teacher would get some time to relax when school is out, but that is not the case. Checking assignments and papers, planning out coursework, conducting remedial lessons and attending staff meetings: these are the things that really happen. Sigh. The adult world is disappointing. Growing up is basically about eliminating expectations so that you aren't let down.
But one must be able to look on the bright side, I guess. Even with all the tasks I mentioned, I still have much more free time than I normally do, so I planned to enjoy myself at least a little. Well, once I got a certain mission out of the way, that is. You see, Soubu High (which is where I teach) is partnered with some of the elementary schools in Chiba, and once or twice a year, there are shared camps that are carried out as learning opportunities. One of these is an outdoor summer camp, and it was planned for the coming week. Some of the teachers from the elementary schools had volunteered to look after their students, and I, for whatever reason, had been given the job of supervising Soubu's participants. The good part was, most of our students who had chosen to go to camp happened to be from my homeroom class, so I knew there weren't any troublesome people involved. Or at least, no more troublesome than high school students normally are. And just in case, I had decided to bring some backup with me. Well, the decision wasn't really mine, per se. Yuigahama was coming anyway, since her friends had all decided they'd come. Yukinoshita had decided to tag along out of her usual sense of duty. Which left, really, the singular student who was simultaneously the biggest troublemaker, and my trump card.
Hikigaya Hachiman.
He was… unusual.
With his brawn and fighting skill, I'd normally expect him to be a typical jock. It's not everyday I see a second-year who benches 1.5 times his own bodyweight for reps (yes, I've spotted him in the school gym once or twice during PE), or someone who can casually no-sell my punch, no matter how much I was holding back. But a typical jock is pretty much the furthest thing from what he is. It should have been easy for someone like that to be well-liked and popular. His appearance wasn't bad either: though his eyes could be a little off-putting at first, I'm sure Hikigaya could have found a way around this if he had really wanted to be accepted or liked. No, on the contrary, he seemed perfectly happy being just who he was. His only friend was the school's most famous case of Chuunibyo, and he had no problem playing along with Zaimokuza's antics. Later on, of course, I ended up recruiting him into the Service Club, and I'd like to think he made a few more friends. But the more I learned about him, the less made sense. Hikigaya was a skilled visual artist. Rumours were circulating about a one-shot manga that he drew (which may have been related to a request the Club got). Naturally, being someone who puts no stock in rumours, I Googled that, and read the manga in question. While Hikigaya wasn't exactly at a professional level, he was far and away one of the best student artists I've seen, maybe even the best. Soubu's manga club had its own ace, Ebina Hina, but between her and Hikigaya, it was hard to say who was more skilled. If the two of them worked together, who knows what kind of creation would be born? But that wasn't all either. Athlete, fighter, otaku, artist: Hikigaya was already many things. It was already difficult enough for one person to have all these skills and interests. But there was more.
At the start of term, I set 2-F an essay on a seemingly random topic. Most students would interpret this as me testing their current skill at Japanese, which was true. But what they wouldn't realize is that this was only one of the things I was examining. You see, people have a tendency to let the truth slip when their guard is down. And one of the easiest ways to make someone let down their guard is letting them think they've figured you out. Most high school students, getting as fluffy a topic as "Describe your high school experience so far" would immediately notice that this was a much easier essay than what they would normally be expected to write in an exam. Therefore, it must be a way of gauging their level. Thinking this, they'd focus on their grammar, communication and sentence formation. Which means, they wouldn't be putting any real thought into the most important thing of all: the ideas they were trying to convey. Most people would end up writing their actual thoughts on youth and school. They'd probably censor and water it down a bit to avoid getting in trouble, but the crux of their beliefs and way of thinking would still be there, for me to learn. Thus, without having spent even a week with them, I'd know exactly who I was teaching. It was a bit of an underhanded trick, but it was effective. And besides: over the years, I'd found that using a trick or two was fine, if it meant I was protecting my students. Noticing problem kids, and noticing what their problems were, meant I could address them before they harmed anyone. I guess maybe that's why Soubu ended up trusting me with the position of Guidance Counsellor though I don't have any kind of psychology related degree.
But I digress.
Getting back to the point, I had used this essay as a way to get to know my students. Predictably (and thankfully), most of them were quite normal. Good kids, with some flaws in their way of thinking, no doubt, but good nonetheless. There were a few little rotten twerps in there too, but nothing I couldn't handle. All in all, things looked like they'd be under control.
Except for one.
One student had turned in an essay unlike anything I'd read in my teaching career so far.
You see, it's not unusual for there to be that one shit-for-brains delinquent who thinks he's hot shit for submitting an empty sheet, or scribbled profanities. Most of them over the years ended up behaving themselves after I personally introduced them to my fists and feet. But in all my time in this profession, not once so far had I read a properly written essay that followed all the rules and conventions of good writing and school assignments, but propounded a world view so different.
This guy had denied and rejected the standard conception of what it meant to be a high school student, or a young man. He had rejected the ideals and thoughts that were most common among Japanese (and international youth). He had rejected the idea of blending into society.
Instead, he claimed to be a hedonist.
Someone who lives only for pleasure. Only for fun. To him, having fun is the greatest goal, the only goal worth having. The only goal worth working for, fighting for. Society, compromise, fitting in: these were all signs of weakness. A great man sets his eyes on a dream, and gives it all he has. He is prepared to fail, but he is not prepared to live a life where he does not reach out for what he truly wants, a life where he doesn't even try.
In some ways, this sounds like the sort of philosophy that might be propounded by someone from a Shounen manga. But there was a weight to his words. The weight of conviction, of belief. This was how Hikigaya Hachiman lived his life.
And that told me, he was unlike any other person I'd taught.
That essay showed me that he didn't really understand himself, didn't really understand the meaning of his own beliefs, his own way of life.
And I thought the Service Club would help him understand.
This person, unlike any I had taught, or even met, before, was the right person to join the Service Club.
Long story short, he was a bit of a wildcard. And I sincerely doubted he wanted to spend his even a moment from his summer vacation on some camp when he could be doing his own thing instead, but I was totally going to find a way to get him to come, because I could really do with the help.
And that leads me to the current moment.
I'm in my living room. It's the first morning of the holidays, and I'm about to call Hikigaya and find a way to trick him into coming. It's not unethical! I feel safer when he's around. For whatever reason, I feel like he's the right guy to count on when things go bad, and he's definitely earned that impression with the work he's done in the Service Club so far. Summer camps with a bunch of teenagers are always chaotic, and I'd feel a little bit better that someone with the physical strength of a young Goku and the moral compass of a naive Kazuma Kiryu would be tagging along.
Even as I'm about to dial the number (which I got from the class directory), I can't help but feel a little guilty.
You see, things are a little… complicated between me and Hikigaya.
In hindsight, I should have seen the signs from the start.
Hikigaya wasn't the type to just get along with anybody. He could be friendly, but that was only if he liked you. I hadn't seen or heard of him interacting much with any other teacher. Yet, he did so with me. I had thought this was just because we happened to share more interests than was usual for a teacher and student.
But no, that would not have been enough of a reason for him to act the way he did.
Now that I think on it, he did go out of his way a few times to look good in front of me. To be honest, I'm rather flattered, but there isn't any way for that to go anywhere.
A short while ago, he confessed to me.
It felt at that moment like many pieces had just fallen into place. Suddenly, it all made sense. From the very start, he must have had some kind of infatuation with me. Maybe he saw joining the club as a way to get closer. Maybe this infatuation was the reason he was putting some effort into it when talking with me.
Whatever it was, though, it wasn't something I could support, or allow to continue.
There was no happiness awaiting Hikigaya at the end of that road. In fact, it would be the opposite. As things stood, he had a bright future ahead of him. He needed to learn a few lessons, yet, but he would learn them in time. And once he did, he would have a good life ahead. Most likely as an artist. Hikigaya is also a good guy, no matter what he claims about himself. And so, I know he can, should, and will find a proper relationship with someone who's right for him (hopefully it will be long term).
In order for all that to happen, I can't let this infatuation get in his way.
It's perfectly normal to develop a crush on someone. Slightly rarer for the person to be a teacher, but not unheard of. However, it isn't healthy. The best thing for him is to realize this and move on.
I thought the best way to do this was to treat his confession as a proper one (which, to be fair, it was). Wherever else he may have been at fault, he was certainly honest and direct, and even took the rejection well. That was yet another sign that he was mature, and would get over this soon.
Despite that, however, I know it doesn't happen right away.
He's been trying his best to hide it (mostly by avoiding me), but I can sense that he feels awkward around me.
I hesitate a little.
This isn't really fair to him.
I'm older, I have perspective.
I know that in the big picture, this whole thing will be nothing more than an amusing memory for him at most. But he doesn't.
He's living it, in the here and the now. It's real to him.
Moreover, is it really fair of me to ask him to do things for me, knowing that he'll probably agree just because of his feelings?
No, no, it's not fair.
But then again, he'll barely be spending any time around me at all. In fact, he'll mostly be hanging out with Yuigahama and Yukinoshita. They're both good people. The three of them bring out the best in each other. Hikigaya has changed for the better since they've met, and so have the two of them. Him getting to spend time at summer camp with them would be a good thing.
Besides, I've also seen the way the three of them look at each other.
Strictly speaking, a teacher probably shouldn't be thinking this way, but it's evident that there is something going on there that even the three of them aren't aware of. Who knows? Maybe Hikigaya will get to move on from me sooner rather than later.
That would be best.
And so thinking, I tap the screen to dial his number before I can stop myself.
Since I had already dialled it, I decided to wait for a response, while internally dreading the conversation that would follow. No matter how much I justified it to myself, I still felt guilty making him come along with us.
As the phone continued to ring, though, I frowned.
This was strange.
Did he not have his phone at hand right now?
Maybe I should dial back later. I disconnected the call.
Seeing as I couldn't do anything about this, I decided to see if any new issues of Kengan Omega were out online.
Later that evening, I called Hikigaya's phone again, but he didn't pick up.
This was strange. Was he ignoring my calls deliberately? Do, that wasn't possible. He didn't have my number, so he wouldn't know it was me calling. Maybe he makes it a policy to not pick up calls from strange numbers? Wise policy, but I need to talk to him.
There was one other thing I could do.
I decided to look in the student directory again, and found the Hikigayas' residential phone number, which I dialled.
I wondered if this call would go unreceived too. Maybe the Hikigayas' weren't at home at all. It was entirely possible they had gone on a family vacation. Hmm… what were the Hikigaya parents like anyway? He had never spoken of them. The topic had never come up.
Just as I was about to disconnect, though, someone picked up.
I heard a female voice. Sounded young.
"Hikigaya residence."
Unsure who I was speaking to, I decided to introduce myself.
"Ah, hello. I'm Hiratsuka Shizuka, from Soubu High. I'm Hikigaya Hachiman's homeroom teacher. Sorry for the intrusion, but I needed to talk to h-"
"EEEH? You're the teacher he keeps talking about?
Umm… what?
Before I could ask anything, though, the person on the other end decided to introduce themselves.
"Oh, sorry, you don't know me. I'm Hikigaya Komachi, Hachiman's younger sister! Nice to meet you. Well, figuratively speaking. We haven't actually met yet, teehee."
"A-ah, nice to meet you," I muttered.
This is Hikigaya's sister? She's nothing like him- wait, hold on a second. He has a sister? I didn't even know that!
Come to think of it, leading question asking essays or not, the truth was that I didn't know much about Hikigaya.
The fact that he had a sister was just something that proved that.
But never mind that.
"Umm, Komachi san…" (wait, is it even okay for me to call her by her first name?) "I need to speak to your brother. Can you put him on the line?"
There was a slight pause, and I could almost hear her hesitate on the other end.
Right away, I knew something wasn't right.
It's an intuition you build up from having to read people for a living. Hikigaya Komachi seemed like a confident extroverted type, who didn't have any of her brother's difficulties in communicating with people. Where Hikigaya Hachiman used infallible confidence as an armour to keep away those he didn't like, Hikigaya Komachi used it as a way to put people at ease without them even realizing it.
After all, she'd been able to momentarily distract me with just a line or two.
For her to hesitate like this, something wasn't right.
I wondered if she would hang up on me.
I had no idea what was going on (if something even was going on).
Was it even my place to interfere in what might be a family issue?
Hikigaya had a right to his privacy, after all.
But before I could take a decision on that, Komachi decided to come to a decision of her own.
"My brother… he's not doing so well-"
She paused slightly, then spoke, in a stronger, clearer voice, devoid of her former hesitation.
"My brother needs help. He's locked himself in his room, and won't answer. I've been trying to talk to him for a while, but he won't respond."
My eyes widened.
This… this wasn't good.
From the sounds of it, the situation could be volatile. I've said before, I don't have a psychology degree or anything, nor do I have any training in how to deal with those who might be suicidal.
From what I was hearing, Hikigaya could be in an extreme state of mind at the moment.
The safest thing to do would be to call Emergency, and have them deal with it.
As if reading my mind, Hikigaya Komachi chose that moment to speak.
"My brother's not suicidal. He just needs help. Please."
My brain was working in overdrive.
But ultimately, it was my heart that ended up deciding.
It's funny actually.
I had spent the better part of ten years helping people. And I had done most of this from a distance. The distance was important. It stopped you from getting emotional. Getting attached to the people you were trying to help. That kind of attachment muddled your thinking, disturbed your decision making ability. Ultimately, you ended up hurting people, not helping them.
Yukinoshita understood this. It was why she tried to remain logical in all her missions for the Service Club.
It wasn't until I met a certain brash hedonist that I found out that an alternative was even possible.
Hikigaya despised the idea of helping people for the sake of duty, or from a distance.
He was incapable of not getting attached, not getting involved.
No matter the costs, no matter the turmoil, Hikigaya's way of helping people was the exact opposite of mine. It was to think with his heart, not his brain. It was to allow, and even thrive, off his emotions. It was to empathize and connect with people.
Hikigaya could never have been a good doctor or counsellor. He would also probably have been a horrible lawyer or social worker.
But he didn't need to be any of those things.
Hikigaya was exactly what everyone who came to the Service Club needed.
A friend.
Maybe in some way, that had ended up inspiring me.
Because in that moment, I let my heart choose the way.
"Fine, I'll help. I can't just leave my student like this. But how do I talk to him? You said he's not answering you… hngg… all right, fine. I'll come over."
I didn't ask why she hadn't called their parents. To me, it was obvious that she had probably already done so, and they hadn't arrived home yet. Or maybe she hadn't. But in that case, there must be a reason. No, if I was to do this, I'd need to trust that Komachi had her brother's unique combination of level-headedness and instinct.
"Y-you will? Really! Thank you! But… don't you need me to give you the address?"
"No, not really. I'll get it from the student directory. I should be there in an hour at most. In the meantime, try to see if you can get him to talk. Even if you can't, just keep him company. Make sure to keep talking to him."
So saying, I hung up.
I needed to get there, fast. I threw on my casual travelling clothes, a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and grabbed my car keys. Before leaving, I opened the student directory and found Hikigaya's home address, which I entered into my phone. The GPS revealed that the place wasn't very far from my own house.
Good.
Without wasting a moment, I moved out.
The office rush hour was already over, so there wasn't much traffic to deal with. I ended up reaching the Hikigaya residence in fifteen minutes.
It looked like a nice house, complete with a small garden around it. The Hikigayas didn't seem to be hurting for money, at least.
Feeling slightly nervous for some reason, I went up to the front door, and rang the bell.
Barely a moment later, I heard the sound of quick footsteps, before it opened.
Looking at me was a person who was basically a female, smaller and cuter version of Hikigaya, complete with the same hairstyle, down to the same unruly strand that stuck up at the back.
"You're Hiratsuka Sensei, right? This way!"
I had to give her credit. No nervousness or awkward waste of time. I followed her. I needed to talk to him right away, make sure he was OK. Taking off my shoes, I muttered an apology for the intrusion as I closed the door and followed her inside. Moving quickly, she led me up a flight of stairs to the first floor. Once up there, she knocked on a door.
"Onii chan, I know you don't want to talk to me. But you have to talk to someone. And… someone's here. Someone you might want to talk to."
That was my cue.
Now that I was already here, the reality of the situation properly sank in.
That was another thing with Hikigaya.
So much of what he did was basically something out of comic books.
You just don't see too many guys like him. To the point that when you do see someone like Hikigaya, there's almost a dreamlike aura surrounding them. As if everything's a story, a dream, scripted arc in a manga.
Certainly, Hikigaya regularly pulled off things that when taken in context, and considering the fact that it was a single person performing these feats, made it all seem like he was an invincible protagonist of some kind.
But that wasn't the case.
For all his skills, all his apparent confidence in himself, he was still just a human being.
Just a boy, not even out of high school yet.
Right now, he needed help.
This was real, and I needed to do this.
I pushed away my doubts and hesitation, putting on at least an appearance of confidence, like I did every day before class.
I knocked a few times on his door.
"Hikigaya, it's me: Hiratsuka Shizuka. I know you're in there. Please talk to me."
There was no response.
I couldn't hear any movement from inside either. For a moment, fear gripped me, and I wondered if he had already done something to himself. I was about to break the door down, when I heard the rustling of a sheet, as if someone was sitting up in bed.
"What are you doing here, Sensei?"
He replied!
"I heard a student of mind had locked himself up in his room. His sister was worried sick. I came to check on him."
"Is that all? Then you should leave. You have better things to do."
"Like hell I do! Open the door, Hikigaya!"
He didn't sound disturbed. His voice was perfectly even. Almost bored.
It was unnatural. Especially for a guy as energetic and animated as him.
"You came all the way here, to check up on your student. Did you ever stop to think, that I maybe I don't want to be checked on?"
His words gave me a moment's pause but I rallied.
He was talking. That was a good sign.
"People don't always ask for help, Hikigaya. We help them regardless. Everyone needs help. Right now, it's you. So let me help you."
"Help? I thought I told you this. You can't always help people, Sensei."
Those words, again.
I felt a surge of anger, just like I had felt the first time he had said them to me.
What do you know, about what I've done? About what I do. About what I will do.
The entire world embraces the creed of looking out only for themselves.
And who looks out for the ones who get left behind?
I refuse.
I say, exactly the opposite.
You can always help people.
That's why I made the choices I did.
It's why I am here today.
It's why your words piss me off so much.
But that's not the only reason.
Your words piss me off… because…
"You're lying to yourself, Hikigaya! I've read that essay, remember? I know you. This hedonist crap that you've been spouting… it's been nothing but shit, from day one, a lie you say to blind yourself! To pretend like you don't care. It's impossible for a human who doesn't care… to be hurt this much!"
"Is that it, then? Helping people? Having good intentions?"
The reply came so suddenly, I wasn't prepared for it.
"Did you know it's possible to have the best intentions in the world, and still fail? But of course you know that. You're an adult. So how come all you teachers don't talk about this in class, huh? Helping people? Being there for others? And what am I supposed to do when the one person I wanted to help, needed to help, above all others… what am I supposed to do when I'm the one who killed him?"
Killed him?
A chill went down my spine, and I felt my heart stop for a moment.
Then, Komachi's voice broke through the silence, strong.
"You didn't kill him, Onii chan! You already know this! He's still alive, he's in hospital, he wants to see you, and he finally can! They've been calling from there for the past two hours! Don't you want to see him again, Onii chan?"
"I can't! I can't see him!"
There was a note of panic to his voice, paranoia even.
"I don't deserve to. Not after what I've done. I let him down. Let down everything he taught me. I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy. Useless, useless, useless. It's all useless. I thought I was something. I was so wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong."
I could only stare at the door in silent horror and sorrow.
The Hikigaya who never hesitated to help others, who felt like on a good day, he could fight a Super Saiyan and win, seemed utterly and completely broken.
My heart ached to see him like this.
I didn't even know who this person was he was talking about, or what had happened in the past to make him feel this way.
But I knew Hikigaya.
He was, first and foremost, a good person.
And he shouldn't have to feel this way.
Next to me, Komachi was crying, but unable to say anything.
"Just leave me alone, Sensei. I'm not suicidal."
There was a soft sound, like someone lying down on a bed, then silence.
I turned to Komachi.
It didn't seem like Hikigaya would answer any more questions.
I could break down the door, but I no longer thought that was a good idea.
For the moment, there was only one thing I could do, and that was to help the sibling in front of me right now.
"Come on."
Gently, I placed my hands on her shoulders and prodded her towards the stairs. Slowly, she began to go down them, and I took her into the living room, and sat her down on the sofa.
I went into their kitchen, found the fridge, and got a bottle of water out of it, which I decided to bring to her.
"Here. Have some of this."
She accepted, and took a sip.
Her eyes were still red, but she was calmer now.
"Hiratsuka Sensei… my brother hasn't killed anyone."
"I didn't say…"
"You're probably wondering, aren't you?" she said, interrupting me. "What he was talking about. The truth is, we're partially at fault. My parents and I. We… should have done something sooner. But he seemed to be recovering… seemed to be happy. And we couldn't take that away from him."
I waited for her to continue.
It was obvious that she needed to get this off her chest. And I would be lying if I said I didn't want to know the truth.
"The thing is… this isn't really a story I should tell you. It's not right. There are only two people on earth who have the right to tell you this story. Onii chan won't. So we have to go see the only other person who will, in hospital."
My eyes widened.
"This other person… who are they?"
Komachi looked right at me.
Her eyes were filled with sorrow.
"A boy named Kamishiro Kazuya. He was… is, Onii chan's first real friend, and the one he looks up to more than anyone else in the world."
My eyes widened as even more pieces from the puzzle fell into place.
Hikigaya had indirectly mentioned him in his essay.
"I was presented with an ideal, a shining vision of humanity."
I was already in too deep to back out now.
No, that had nothing to do with it.
I won't leave Hikigaya like this.
But I can't help him if I don't know the truth.
And to know the truth, I must meet a boy I know nothing about, Kamishiro Kazuya.
"He's in hospital, right?" I said, standing up. "Well, then, I hope you have the address, because we're going to see him."
Komachi, likewise looking determined, also stood up.
"I don't need it. I know the address by heart from all the times I've been there to visit Onii chan."
I wanted to question that statement, but now was not the time. Komachi grabbed the house keys, and we both left, heading to the hospital in my car.
This trip took a little longer, but we still managed to get there in half an hour.
Once there, we went up to reception. Komachi had the ward number of the guy, so the lady at the desk was able to tell us where to find him. We were given visitor badges.
Kamishiro's ward was on the first floor. We took the elevator up, and found the room soon enough. Once there, I wondered if I should knock before entering. Before I could do so, though, the door opened, revealing a kindly looking old nurse.
"Oh, you're here to see Kazuya?"
I looked at Komachi for a second, then nodded.
I felt a little guilty at how the poor nurse' eyes lit up with happiness.
"Oh, that'll do him a lot of good. He hasn't had a single visitor so far, you see. But wait… I called a friend of his earlier today… you wouldn't happen to know anything about whether he's coming, would you?"
I felt even guiltier now, but Komachi answered.
"Oh, I was the one who answered all your calls after the first one. My brother ended up falling sick, so he can't make it just now. We're here in his place."
"Ooh! I see. That's sad… but thank you for coming. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you."
She moved aside, and we entered the room.
"I'll give you some privacy," the old nurse said before leaving. "Use the bell to call if you need anything!"
I nodded and thanked her, then proceeded further into the room.
There was only one bed inside. It wasn't possible to see the occupant from the door because of a curtain pulled in front of it. Walking around it, I got my first look at the one Hikigaya looked up to above all others.
He was sitting upright, propped against a pillow and reading a manga. He looked incredibly thin, and his hair was dark and discoloured. He looked up as we approached. Despite his frail body, his eyes seemed alert and energetic, alive and full of life.
In so many ways, he was the exact opposite of Hikigaya, who was muscular and well built, but whose eyes always seemed dead.
Upon seeing Komachi and myself, he exaggeratedly looked upwards at the ceiling and then at us again.
"It's raining women? Now this is my kind of weather."
It was hard to resist from rolling my eyes.
"Devil May Cry 3 reference, right off the bat? Well, you have good taste at least," I said drily.
He chuckled slightly.
"A woman who plays video games too? You'll have to forgive me, miss, but I don't remember knowing anyone like you."
He looked at Komachi, and his eyes flashed with recognition.
"But wait… you… no way… Hikigaya told me he had a sister… You're Hikigaya Komachi, aren't you?"
She nodded slightly.
She said no words.
I could see in her face the same guilt and sorrow I had seen in front of Hikigaya's door.
I looked at Kamishiro, who was staring at us now, wide eyed.
"If you're here… then does that mean… Hachiman is here as well?"
On the drive here, I had wondered what sort of a man had been able to inspire such loyalty and respect in Hikigaya. From reading his essay, it was clear that most of Hikigaya's hedonism was learned from him. Thus, I had come here expecting to find a teenage dirtbag.
Admiration tends to blind people. It was quite possible that Hikigaya's admiration had warped his perception of Kamishiro, turned an otherwise ordinary guy into something amazing.
But no, that was not the truth.
Humans are horrible at hiding information.
Our bodies react, and reveal many things.
And we are not as good at acting as we think we are.
It is possible, over time, to deceive someone into thinking you are their friend.
But the look of hope that lit up Kamishiro's eyes at the possibility of Hikigaya being here?
I do not think it is humanly possible to fake that.
Whether or not Kamishiro was the man Hikigaya thought or not, one thing was for sure. The bond between these two was real.
I shook my head.
"He isn't here," I said.
Just for a moment, disappointment passed over his face, but he hid it soon enough.
"I see," he said. "Well, I can't really blame him. I wouldn't want to visit a hospital either. Holy shit, these places are depressing. A healthy man has no business being here, hahahahaha-"
"Kamishiro," I interrupted him. "I'm actually here about Hikigaya. You don't know me, and I should introduce myself. I'm Hiratsuka Shizuka, his current homeroom teacher."
He raised an eyebrow.
"Wish I had a teacher like this," he muttered. "I might actually attend a few classes then."
I ignored his statement. I had already figured out that this was a guy who joked no matter how bad the situation was. I was starting to see where Hikigaya got his habits from.
"I know this is a lot to ask, since you don't know me. But I need to know: what happened between you and him? Why is Hikigaya scared to come see you?"
A shadow of pain crossed his face for a moment, and he turned to Komachi.
"What's going on?" he asked her. "What's the meaning of this?"
Komachi answered in a trembling voice.
"A year ago, after that happened, you were both brought to this hospital. My brother was injured, but his body recovered soon enough. What ended up happening was that he suffered nightmares of the incident. He wasn't able to live with himself, knowing what had happened, and blaming himself for all of it. It got so bad, he saw a doctor here, who basically made him do something that would make him forget all of it. The idea was that eventually, when he was better, he'd gradually regain his memories, and have help as he did so. That was supposed to have happened a while back. I'm sorry. We should have… I should have been there. Told him that he needed to remember. Helped him do it, bit by bit, slowly. But we didn't. He seemed happy not knowing, and it was easier to just leave it all that way, tell ourselves that he'd choose when to do it himself. When he got the call from here today, telling him he could visit you, and you wanted to see him, he tried to remember. He forced himself to remember all of it at once."
Komachi was crying.
"He blames himself for all of it. You have to understand, he can't forgive himself. If we let him remember, he wouldn't be able to live with himself."
I looked at Kamishiro.
He was staring into the distance, into the memory which was so painful, that Hikigaya could not live with it.
I wondered what it was, that could make him loathe himself this much.
If he really had let Kamishiro down to that extent, it would make perfect sense for him to be bitter about it, to hate Hikigaya for it even.
But I couldn't see bitterness or hatred in his eyes. Not even a fraction of it.
No, the only loathing I could see there was self-loathing.
"I see. This is what I get for not revealing the truth, huh? I knew it. Friendship is about being open, trusting each other with your true self. I failed ya once, buddy. Don't worry. I won't fail ya again."
He looked at me.
"You want to know the story, huh? And why is that?"
And all of a sudden, it was as if the gravity in the room increased ten times.
Never in my life did I think that a frail, near-skeletal man bound to a hospital bed could be intimidating.
Until that moment.
"Who is Hikigaya Hachiman to you? Why should I entrust my kyodai's secret to you?"
Incredible. Even with a body that can barely move, he's got a fighting spirit like this.
But even with his overwhelming gaze on me, I couldn't back down here. I would save Hikigaya.
"He's my student. It's a teacher's job to protect her students."
"You lie", he said, narrowing his gaze.
What?
"Teachers? Sure, I'd buy that if any real teachers were to be found in the schools of Japan. But I haven't encountered any such. Where are you teachers when your students are suffering? When they're bullied, alienated, cast aside, treated like trash? When their entire lives are reduced to marks on a grade sheet, statistics on a report, lunch money to be taken by thugs? Where are you teachers when the ones who need help aren't the pretty ones? When they're the kind of kids even their own mothers don't love. Where are you all then?"
This man… he's sharp.
And his words had weight.
He was well aware of the corruption in the education system. And I couldn't fault his words, because there was truth in them.
But I could only speak for myself. I might not always succeed, but I had always tried to be the teacher I should be.
"Not once have I abandoned any of my students," I replied. "I don't know what Hikigaya went through in middle school. I don't know if I could have saved him from it. But I do know that the Hikigaya I know is a promising boy with a bright future. I will, no, I must, protect that future. So please… tell me the truth."
"... You believe in what you're saying, I'll give you that. But are you really just a teacher looking out for her student?"
He paused.
"Never mind. I believe you when you say you want to help Hikigaya. Fine, then. Listen well. To properly understand all of this, you have to know even the things that Hikigaya doesn't."
He looked at the both of us.
"Without boring you with details, I'll tell you this: my father's a filthy rich man. Have you heard of the upstart Yukinoshitas who act like they're a big deal these days? They haven't got anything on him. Heck, I'm half sure if he wanted, he could probably buy this entire city. That's why my medical bill's been paid all this time, though no one's come to visit. You're wondering if I'm going to spill the family name: well, the answer's no. I have my principles. But I'll tell you this. Kamishiro is my mother's name. Me and mom were never accepted by the old man's family. So we continued to live by ourselves. Every month, they'd send us some money, probably hush money to make sure my mom didn't tell anyone that the old man had an illegitimate son. Eventually, it got too much for her."
His voice softened a bit.
"I came home from school one day, and she was…" he looked at Komachi, and changed what he was going to say. "Dead."
"It's a messed up world where a fourteen year old kid has to get his mother buried. But I guess that's how it is. From then onwards, I lived by myself. My dad never showed up to the funeral. But he continued to send money, so I was never starving. Heck, I was living comfortably. I'd probably be fine if I did nothing for the rest of my life."
He paused, then looked away.
"I got sick and fucking tired of it all. So I did everything. It started with shoplifting. I did it just for the fun of it. Can I sneak a DVD out a store without anyone noticing? Turned out I could. The things I stole got bigger and bigger, until I was moving entire PCs. Then I got tired of it. So I turned to stealing money, cards. I had more cash than I knew what to do with. So I started to party. You name the drug, I've done it. You name the car, I've driven it. Moving TV sets is one thing. Moving car parts? Now that's big time. If I got busted for that, things could get bad. The risk made it worth doing. Eventually, I made a mistake. Managed to cover my tracks, but I could never go back to moving cars again. So I turned to drugs, big time. The days melted into each other. I had money, so buying more was never an issue, which meant I was always high. I would have overdosed sooner or later if I kept it up. I didn't really care. The world had turned its back on me, and I wanted nothing to do with the world either. It was around this time that I ran into a middle school kid a year younger than me. His name was Hikigaya Hachiman."
My eyes widened.
"I remember it clearly, because that was one of the few days back then that I was sober. I'd decided to hit an arcade and get a few games of Street Fighter in. And here comes this guy, who looked like he was carrying all the weight in the world. Looked depressed as hell. And he looks around, and he finds that all the slots are taken. So he chooses the only one left, next to me. And for whatever reason, I thought, ah what the hell. Let's just have some fun. So I strike up a conversation with him. Doesn't respond at first. Hikigaya wasn't really too good at the game back then, so I pretty much whooped his ass in round 1. But something about him struck me. Most often, you beat a guy that bad, and they pretty much admit defeat. But he was different. He didn't care about losing in the first place. Like it didn't even matter. Like nothing mattered. And that's when it hit me.
He was just like me.
He'd gotten to the point where the world had turned its back on him.
And he was in the process of turning his back on it too.
And something about that just didn't feel right.
Maybe because I'd been living that life for sixteen years. Maybe because I wanted to see someone fight, and take their own life back. Maybe because, for the first time, I wanted to do the right thing.
So I figure, I won't do it.
I won't let this kid lose hope.
I won't let him give up on life.
So I let him take that second round.
It was a simple thing, but it worked like a charm.
Suddenly, he was into the game. I didn't make it too easy for him. There was still challenge. Still hardship. But now, he knew that it was possible to get results. So he was enjoying it. And in round 3, I decided to up the intensity even more. It was a risky move. It would succeed big time, or fail big time.
But I thought, there are two kinds of people. The kind that emerges from a difficult event broken, win or lose. And the kind that emerges from it stronger, win or lose.
I needed to make sure he was the latter.
So I told him I'd do a super.
And I challenged him to do a pro gamer move, a Daigo Umehara move, and parry the whole thing.
And the madlad did it. I don't know if it was luck, or skill, or destiny.
But he pulled it off, and then he did his own super on me.
And his face just exploded with happiness.
And that's when I knew."
I watched Kamishiro Kazuya with bated breath, as he spoke the next words with a certainty that was incredible in its simplicity.
"I had been saved. Hikigaya Hachiman had saved me."
What followed was a tale so strange, it could only be the truth.
Kamishiro Kazuya spoke of the month he had spent with Hikigaya Hachiman. Of learning Hikigaya's past, and helping him deal with it.
"You see," he said. "I was never a good guy. And I was never brave. I'd always made the wrong choices in life. But when I was with him, I felt like I could be brave. I felt like I had a reason to be good. Hikigaya believed in me. And because he believed in me, I could believe in myself. Apart, we were both weak. Together, we were strong. So I knew I couldn't let him make the same mistakes I'd made."
"I'd always tried to have fun. I'd pursued pleasure. I didn't care who got hurt, or who I stole from. As long as I got what I wanted, I didn't complain. But I was never happy. So I told Hikigaya that. Having fun is the most important thing, but not at someone else's expense. I had to show him the right way to have fun. Heck, I didn't know what that was, myself! I was bullshitting most of it anyway. But the important thing was that he was having fun. More than he'd ever had with the scum he studied with in middle school, that's for sure. I didn't really have anything I could teach him. Only the skills I'd picked up myself. I didn't want him to be a thief. I didn't want him slinging drugs or taking them. So I taught him to be good at video games. Heck, I remember thinking it'd be great if I could be a mangaka. I didn't know much about life either. But I could at least pass on what wisdom I'd picked up on the streets. Hopefully, it'd be enough to make sure he didn't get duped by any of the scumbags in the world. But not so much that he'd end up losing hope like I did."
He told me all of it.
The street fights, the partying, the games, the wandering around.
And at the end of it all, I understood why Kamishiro Kazuya treasured Hikigaya Hachiman.
"They were after us for a while, those guys. I'd kept the truth from Hikigaya. No point in getting him worried. We were both good in a fight. Courage is the most important thing in a fight, and when we were together, we had all the courage in the world. I figured we could handle them. But I was wrong, so we had to run."
He got to the part about them taking refuge in the under-construction mall, and the jump from the walkway to the chandelier.
"He was scared. But so was I! I was terrified. It was like a hundred feet in the air! A fall from that, and it was all over. But if I showed my fear, how was I supposed to be the guy he believed in? He was still young, still naive. He didn't know what it meant to believe in himself. So I gave him the only thing I could: a friend, a real one. And it worked. He had grown so much in that one month. To think, he nailed that jump like a total badass. I couldn't let myself be outdone by him though. So I was about to jump too, when I got clipped in the back by one of those guys."
I didn't even realize that a single tear was rolling down my face.
"I managed to hold on for a little while," said Kamishiro. He looked at Komachi. "You should have seen how hard your brother tried to pull me up. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up tearing his biceps."
Komachi was speechless, tears pouring from her eyes.
"How much did you weigh?"
Kamishiro raised an eyebrow.
"What?"
"How much did you weigh?" Komachi repeated again.
He gave the question some thought.
"I guess I weighed somewhere around 60 kilos at the time. What does that have to do with anything though?"
"A few months ago, Onii chan came home from the gym one evening, barely able to move his arm. Barely, but still able. He was boasting about how he'd curled sixty kilograms. He hadn't talked that much in months. He was talking about how he'd been trying to hit that goal ever since he started working out. How something at the back of his mind was nagging him, and he felt he'd never rest easy unless he pulled off that exact lift."
And for the first time, I saw the invincible man Hikigaya had put his faith in, falter in his composure.
His eyes widened.
"All this time, even if his mind forgot, his heart didn't!" said Komachi. "He's been working. All this time, he's been working tirelessly, so that he never fails again!"
Hikigaya has been working all this time?
Isn't he the guy who always boasted that he never puts in more work than necessary?
No, I can't believe I actually bought that.
You can't get to that level in a year, unless you work your ass off.
Memories or not, Hikigaya has been dealing with this kind of pressure for an entire year?
I had chills all over my body.
The strength to lift a falling man up, one armed.
The fighting power to beat down twenty opponents, alone.
Those were the goals Hikigaya had set himself.
I could not imagine what he had gone through to achieve them in a year.
Had he lied to himself? Told him he was doing all this for "fun"?
It was impossible. It should be impossible.
But I'd seen him, bench a hundred kilos for reps. And I'd felt him no-sell the punch I've honed for years, without even flinching.
Wait, come to think of it. Didn't Kamishiro just say that he would have liked to be a mangaka?
I get it now.
All this time, he's been working tirelessly. I should have realized from that essay alone.
I looked at Kamishiro Kazuya.
Everything Hikigaya failed to be for his friend, he resolved to become. In his heart, he never forgot, not for a second.
Not just the skills either.
The ideals Kamishiro Kazuya had imparted, in order to make Hikigaya Hachiman better than himself.
He had internalized them all.
Just like Kamishiro had been for him, Hikigaya was for everyone who came to the Service Club: a friend, someone to believe in, and someone to believe in them.
"I get it now," said Kamishiro. "Yeah. Now, more than ever, I know Hikigaya saved me. I haven't met him in a year. But I know he's on the verge of becoming the one I knew he could be."
He placed his hands on the bed, shaking, and tried to sit up a little straighter, his face scrunched in agony from doing so.
"Kamishiro!" I rushed forward.
"Unnhhh… you see, I can't move fall broke my spine. They can't fix it. I've lost feeling and mobility in most of my body. The damage was severe. My superficial muscles have atrophied severely, and most of my organs need to be supported. This bed is pretty much the only thing keeping me alive. I can't survive outside this hospital."
My heart felt an actual physical pain for him.
"The doctors tell me I can't live for long like this. Heck, I might as well already be dead. Besides, I don't know when my old man is going to get tired of putting money into keeping this corpse alive."
I didn't even know how to reply to that.
In all my years as a teacher, or just as a person trying to help others, I had never faced a situation like this.
Here, a man was telling me he would be better off dead.
And I didn't have the heart to deny that to his face, knowing how painful his life was.
But he wasn't done yet.
I was understanding, with each passing second, why Hikigaya idolized this man so much.
"Therefore, before I'm completely dead… my final task… is to free Hikigaya from his guilt. I have never blamed him for any of this, and I never will. Just as you saved me… this time, I'll save you."
He turned to the both of us.
"He's refusing to come see me out of a sense of guilt, isn't he? Typical. And I'm guessing he's locked himself up in his room too. Well, I know how to get him out."
"How?" I asked. "How do I get him out? How do I save him?"
"His inherent nature is to be someone who will help others in need. If someone is in need, he'll go, no matter how difficult it is. The easy solution would be for me to talk to him directly over the phone. But that won't solve the underlying issue. He needs to face his past, his fear and his guilt over his failure. And he needs to do it himself. And he can. Because his desire to help others, and to be the best version of himself, is stronger than all of that. But he needs someone to communicate the need to him. Someone strong, who can endure the guilt of forcing him to deal with that turmoil."
I understood what he meant.
Hikigaya needed to decide to come here, by himself, since it represented facing his past.
But someone needed to give him a reason to do so.
He already knew Kamishiro was in hospital, but he hadn't come.
Which meant, somewhere inside, he feels that his coming here will only make things worse. I have to make him believe otherwise.
But he isn't listening to reason.
The only way he'll come here is if Kamishiro needs him to come.
And to make him believe that, I'll have to lie.
It'll be an unfair lie, one that places Hikigaya in a position no one should have to be in.
And it'll be a cruel lie too, since once he gets here, he'll realize that Kamishiro doesn't have long to live anyway.
He'll probably hate me for being the one to make him see this.
I took a deep breath.
So be it, then.
Kamishiro and I both realize this. We both know this. Hikigaya has a bright future ahead of him. A future that must be protected. Kamishiro gave everything to help craft that future. And if I must earn Hikigaya's hatred to protect it, so be it.
I took out my phone, and texted Hikigaya. He wouldn't pick up my call, but he was likely awake, and would more than likely check a text.
"Hikigaya. Kamishiro Kazuya is dying. He's been placed under Life Support. It is likely he won't survive the day. One of the last things he said was that he'd like to see his friend one final time. Are you going to let him down?"
Before I had time to reconsider this horribly unfair text, I sent it.
I waited with held breath.
Would it work?
Hikigaya was a perceptive guy.
He might see through my lie.
But would he? Humans have a tendency to fail to see clearly when their emotions are involved.
Sure enough, I got a reply within a few seconds.
"I'll be there."
I read the text, and looked at Kamishiro, who nodded as if it was the only possible outcome.
We didn't even have to wait twenty minutes for him to arrive.
I heard footsteps running down the hall, and I knew it had to be him. As I went over to the door, I wondered how I would explain this. If any explanations or apologies would even suffice. And when I opened it, and saw his face, I couldn't really say anything.
Hikigaya was breathing hard. He'd thrown on probably the first clothes he could find. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were red. He was a far cry from the smooth, confident guy who carried himself with all the self-assurance of a heel wrestler. This was Hikigaya at his lowest, but as Kamishiro had said, he'd come here, because his friend needed him.
Yeah, I was right. You were indeed the right person to recruit to the Service Club. More than anyone else, you embody its ideals.
The absolute madman in the bed behind me had inverted the situation from a year ago.
Back then, Hikigaya's arrival had given Kamishiro a chance to be the best man he could. And now, at the lowest point of Hikigaya's life, he was giving him the same chance.
And so, I said nothing. As much as I wanted to help my student, I'd already done everything I could.
From this point, it was between the two of them.
I moved aside, and allowed him to enter the room.
"Komachi, come on. Let's give the two of them some privacy."
And so, the two people left in the room were the pair who had chosen to be brothers, reunited after a year.
Hachiman's POV:
I didn't really know what I expected to see.
But lying in the bed in front of me, as emaciated as he was, was definitely the man who had saved my life.
"Hey, man. Ya made it, huh? Sheesh, I had to play dirty to get you out of the house. Jerking off is good and all, but ya gotta go out once in a while, ya know?"
Yes, there was no doubt about it.
He was so frail now, it was nearly impossible to reconcile his image with the one I knew. His once athletic body now little more than a skeleton. The dyed blond hair, always flamboyant and confident, was discoloured and dark. And the once handsome face was sunken.
But there was no mistaking that gaze, or that invincible smile.
"Kazuya…"
There was so much I wanted to say.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to say sorry.
I was the one who had done this to him.
If I had simply believed in his choices from the start, and just made that jump right away, the hero who had saved my life wouldn't be in a hospital bed right now.
But before I could say any of that, he spoke first.
Come to think of it, he loved hijacking conversations like that.
"Look, man. Spare us the tears and the sobbing, huh? I didn't call you out here so that we could be depressed together. I called you out here so that we could hang out, have a good time."
He reached over to the table next to him, grabbed a can of MAXX, and threw it over to me.
"I have a feeling you still like these. Go on, this one's on me."
I looked at him, and found myself opening the can, and taking a sip."
"There are probably a bunch of things you want to ask me. But my life ain't that interesting, and I fucking hate sob stories. Why don't ya tell me what you've been up to instead? You've gotten bigger, huh? Been hitting the weights, I see. But ya can't tell me those muscles are just for show. You been in any fights? Tell me all about 'em!"
Well, that was something about the guy. I never could turn down a request from him.
"Well, not as many as we used to get into," I said. "But yeah, sure, once in a while I run into a punk who thinks he has a are different now, though. I learned how to fight, so it's easier."
"Oh? You learned some crazy martial arts stuff? Can you do a Shoryuken?"
"A jumping screw uppercut? Hate to break it to ya, man, but martial arts aren't really about flashy stuff like that."
"You're breaking my heart here. Next thing I know, you'll tell me that low kicks are the real ultimate move."
I wondered whether or not to tell him that my striking art was Muay Thai, and that low kicks were indeed extremely powerful.
I decided not to. Better to let him dream a little.
"So anyway," he said, continuing. "You actually know how to throw hands now. But then wait: fighters get chicks, my dude. And that must mean… you've got a woman now! Tell me: who's the girl?"
"Urgh!"
My mind instantly jumped to Yui, but also Yukino for some reason? I shook my head. It's Kamishiro's influence, I tell you. Wasn't he the guy who introduced me to doujins in the first place?
And of course, he picked up on my reaction immediately.
"Aha! So there is a girl! Wait, there's more than one, isn't there? You sly dog… you've become a proper riajuu, haven't you? Fucking asshole."
Scary.
He's way too good at reading people.
"In fact, I'd wager money that the teacher waiting outside is someone you've crushed on."
OH SHIT!
"Take my advice, Hikigaya. Give up on her. You're making this unnecessarily hard on yourself. Can you imagine what people would say about her if they found out she was going out with a student who's probably ten years younger than her? Come on, man. Don't make her deal with that shit."
"Ouch. You're fucking cruel, dude."
"Quit being a little bitch, Hikigaya. Besides, you've already moved on, haven't you? If I know anything about you, I'd say that it wasn't anything more than a passing phase. You tend to stumble around a little, but ultimately do what you need to, after all."
We both laughed.
"Come on, I'm the only one talking here. Tell me all of it! Everything you've done this past year."
And so I did.
I told him all of it, everything I'd been up to.
Everything that had happened since I'd become a second year at Soubu.
Meeting Zaimokuza.
Wanting to help Sensei.
Joining the Service Club.
Getting to know Yui, Yukinoshita, Totsuka.
I told him about the requests we'd gotten. Drawing a one-shot manga for Zaimokuza, training Totsuka, roasting the entire class over the chain mail situation.
I told him about being confessed to, about doing the confessing, and getting turned down.
Curiously, we both laughed more than we cried.
Perspective is a funny thing.
And haven't I said?
One of humanity's greatest strengths is being able to laugh.
By the time I'd told him the entire story of the year we'd been apart, it was already evening.
He looked out the window, to where it was already dark outside.
"Well, I guess this is where we gotta part ways, huh?"
So he said.
"I probably won't get another chance to say this, and I've been pushing it back anyway. But I guess I just wanted to see what you've made of yourself since I last saw you."
"Kazuya-"
"You never asked me about my family, did you? I used to ask you about yours all the time. I wonder, did you instinctively realize it was something you weren't supposed to talk about? Looking back, how many barriers like that did I set up between the two of us? You looked up to me. A little too much. And I encouraged it. At the time, it was because I wanted what was best for you. But maybe I didn't believe in you enough. Seeing the you in front of me now, I'm sure you would have turned out fine even I'd told you who I was back then."
I shook my head.
Where was all of this going?
Why was he talking like he was at fault for anything?
"My mother… my family…" he paused, and just for a moment, I saw a flicker of pain cross his face, before it was once more replaced by his ever-present conviction. "No, it doesn't matter, at least between the two of us. You've come this far believing in me… and it's done the job. It's time for me to finish this. I've already taught you everything I could, Hikigaya. You remember what I said at that moment, don't you? I've already given you my last lesson.
But I never tested you.
This is the test. Pay attention. You're only going to get one chance at this. So listen carefully, then give me your answer."
Suddenly, my heart was pounding.
It was a skill Kazuya had. The ability to make me go along with all of his games and craziness. But this wasn't a game.
It was true that he'd taught me, had helped me become who and what I was.
And last time I'd been tested on that, I'd failed him, let him down.
This time, I couldn't fail.
But could I succeed?
All of the doubts and fears that had disappeared as I'd talked with him over the course of the day came hurtling back.
Suddenly, it was that day again, and I was once more struggling to hold on to Kazuya as he was about to fall.
And once more, he had that same unbreakable smile on his face, completely unfazed by his own predicament.
"All right, listen well. You trusted in a man. Listened to everything he had to say. Tried to learn everything he taught you. You believed in him. And he taught you to be a "hedonist". You took that term at face value. You didn't really understand what that means. And so, when you felt like you had failed, the only thing you had to fall back on was your half-assed memory of a bunch of ideals you didn't really get. And so, you were confused. You were supposed to be living for fun. But the only time you felt alive was when you were helping others? Is that really what a hedonist is? Or was the ideal you believed in so shallow? So shallow that you helped others in search of approval? Surviving like a vampire on other people's energy?
So here's the question, Hikigaya. What is hedonism to you anyway?
And don't give me some answer ripped off from Google or some philosopher who died a hundred years ago, and has nothing to do with you or me."
This was it, then.
The one who had made me everything I was, was now challenging me. Challenging the very foundations I had taken for granted.
I didn't really understand.
Yes, he was right.
I can't believe I ever thought my half-assed imitation of Kazuya would ever impress him. That was all I was doing, all this time, wasn't I? Going around, trying to act like a badass. Trying to talk like him, act like him, without even understanding where he was coming from.
I called out people for how shallow they were all the time.
Yet, I was just as shallow.
I was just an imitation of someone I admired.
And he had seen it right away.
Called my bluff.
In video gaming terms, this was a true final boss battle.
Even reduced to a mere shadow of his former self, and possessing the capability to use nothing other than words, Kazuya had taken all of a few seconds to destroy the foundations of my self.
In so many ways, it was well-earned.
I had condemned him to be trapped in this bed, a man with flawless ideals, and no body to carry them out with.
And he had retaliated by exposing me for what I was: someone with a functioning body, but no ideals at all.
Was this how it was to end then?
It was well-earned.
I was being destroyed by the man I had destroyed, and let down.
Perhaps out of instinct, I looked towards the door. Just beyond it, Komachi was waiting, as was Sensei.
And elsewhere in Chiba, there was Yui, and Yukinoshita. Zaimokuza and Totsuka.
Somewhere else, stuck in office, were my parents.
And as all their faces flashed in front of me, I realized.
I don't want to die here.
Even if it was a metaphorical death, I didn't want to die.
I didn't want the "me" I was to die here, and not live to see all these people again.
I didn't want to give in to the hopelessness, to the despair, to the fears and the hatred, to accept that everything I had done and been in this past year was fake.
Because that would mean that everything I have with these people was fake too.
I can't lose here.
But if I was only fighting for others, only living for others, then I wasn't really living at all.
And that's when it hit me.
I wanted to survive and see everyone again.
But I also wanted to survive for my own sake.
I didn't want to die.
I looked at Kazuya, and I realized how dangerously close I was to resenting him.
And that's what made me realize just how distorted my own thinking was.
Final boss battle?
Kazuya trying to destroy me?
That doesn't make any fucking sense.
Kamishiro Kazuya was the man who had saved my life. He was my first, and best friend.
He'd never do anything to harm me.
All of this… he's right. All this time, I've been trying to be him. Hell, I was so consumed by guilt over something I didn't even remember, I trained just so that I'd be ready if the same situation ever happened again.
But that was never what he wanted for me.
He didn't want me to be stuck in the past, thinking about something that had already happened, something I couldn't change.
No, Kazuya had given everything to make sure I became something. Someone.
Someone worth being.
But that someone couldn't be a carbon copy of himself.
He'd seen what I was turning it. Realized that I was floundering. That's why he'd asked these questions.
So that I finally confronted myself.
Find out what I am, who I am.
What is hedonism to me anyway?
Is it just blindly pursuing whatever seems fun in the immediate moment?
No. No it isn't.
That leads to an ultimately shitty life.
Is it helping others out of some kind of sense of duty? Is it altruism? Living for others?
No. Not that either.
I am selfish. Even if I was doing it out of guilt, trying to be the guy I wasn't back then, I enjoyed every single thing I did this past year. So it's wrong to say it was just out of guilt.
I chose it all, because I enjoyed it.
The immediate pleasure of just having fun.
And the deep pleasure of doing something challenging, getting better at it.
None of that was a lie.
But that isn't all.
I couldn't see the truth because I was hiding behind those things. Trying to hide behind the things I enjoy.
The truth is… I don't want to be alone.
That's right. Being alone is terrifying. Ultimately, it rips you of your emotions, until you can't even feel sorrow anymore.
But terrifying also is the thought of letting down the people you care about.
Failing them.
I knew that all too well.
I was so scared of it, I refused to remember it.
But all I had been doing was running away.
Using "fun" as an excuse, a wall to hide behind as I tried to ignore the truth. I tried to tell myself I could do everything alone. It was just a way to avoid getting close to people, avoid failing, again.
And as I got closer to the people in my life, those fears resurfaced.
That's why I was seeing more and more of the past in my dreams.
Until I finally opened the box and learned the truth.
And now, I had a choice.
I could run away knowingly… or I could stay.
You know, I've been told that traditional hedonism always seeks pleasure. And one of the ways it does this is by actively avoiding suffering.
But I think that's bullshit.
So many of the things we love the most come with their own suffering.
You want to be really good at something? You've got to sweat for it.
You want to be close to someone? You've got to be prepared for their low points.
Someone who runs away from that pain, that suffering… they aren't a real hedonist. Because they're running away from life. Running away from the thing or the person they want the most.
To stay, to risk losing again.
That's my hedonism.
And so, the realization came.
Ultimate power does not lie in not giving a fuck.
Ultimate power lies in giving a fuck.
It lies in caring even though you know you'll suffer for it. Even though you know you might fail.
Humans are at their strongest when they care.
One lives for oneself. And one cares for others. That is when they are at their best. It allows us to surpass our limits, time and again.
Would the me who ran away from my past have been able to do the things I did?
No.
I could only do it because somewhere inside, I hadn't really forgotten.
I had remembered Kazuya.
That was why I felt happy when I was with the Service Club, with my family, with my friends, with the people I've met at the gym and the dojo, even the people I've met online.
To do the things I enjoy, even if they might be hard.
And to care about others, and try to help them, even if I might fail, even if I might suffer.
Those were two out of three components of my hedonism.
I'd managed to put these pieces together.
But one final piece remained.
My admiration for Kazuya.
For a long time, it had prevented me from properly thinking about and understanding the things he had taught me.
My admiration, my guilt, all of it was tied together, and it all came back to Kazuya.
I had idolized him to the point where I hadn't even been able to look at him, remember him.
Had Kazuya really wanted that?
I looked at him, lying on his bed, and tried hard to remove the lens through which I had always looked at him, the perspective of fifteen year old Hikigaya Hachiman.
Seeing him now, I realized he looked incredibly lonely.
He's been suffering here for a year alone, hasn't he?
Even before that, when we were together, had I truly been a friend to him?
As I asked myself that question, I was surprised that the honest answer was yes.
I might not have been everything I needed to be. But I had tried my very best. I might have failed. But I was, and always will be, his friend.
Just like he always will for me.
And that's when the final piece fell into place.
My admiration wasn't a mistake. Yeah, sure, admiration can blind us. Make us see what's not there. But looking back, at everything he did for me, everything I felt: none of that was a mistake. None of that was fake.
But I couldn't live with that same mindset forever.
No matter how much I wanted, that month, that time we had together, it wasn't coming back.
Kazuya had given his all to make sure I could move forward.
That's what he really meant, I realized.
He didn't care about how I defined hedonism. Heck, Kazuya had never cared much about definitions and semantics at all.
Ideals don't save people.
People save people.
Hedonism hadn't saved me. Kazuya had.
His real question was simple.
"What kind of a man will you choose to be, Hikigaya?"
I closed my eyes, and thought back to that month, to being rejected by Orimoto.
I had been bitter at the world.
It would have been easy for Kazuya to take that bitterness and rage, and turn me into an asshole.
But that hadn't happened.
No, I felt happy when I was helping people.
Kazuya had taught me the exact opposite of apathy.
Many years later, I would learn that he himself had been a victim of apathy, of indifference.
Abandoned by a father who couldn't accept him. That abandonment had led to his mother committing suicide. And alone, friendless, Kazuya had had every right to hate the world, and hate the world he did, lashing out at it in every way he knew.
It would have been easy for him to invite me into that same life.
To introduce me to drugs or theft or the same indifference the world had taught him.
But he hadn't.
Like I said, at that moment, in the hospital ward, I didn't know any of these things about Kazuya's past. I only found all this out later.
But even so, the lesson, the real lesson, that he had worked so hard to teach me, had struck home.
It had been within me.
It was the reason why I was happy when I was helping others, the reason I would always continue to do so, even when it hurt.
I just hadn't known what that lesson was.
But I knew it now.
I looked at Kazuya, and this time, I was able to meet his eyes, as I gave him my answer.
"At the lowest point in my life, I almost gave up on it. But at that point, when I needed it the most, someone was there for me. I could have hated the world. Done to it the same thing it did to me. But someone taught me better. When I needed it the most, he was a friend. It took me a while to understand what he was trying to teach me, but I finally get it."
Kazuya's POV:
I looked at Hikigaya as he gave me his answer.
There was a strength in his eyes that I hadn't seen before, and seeing it, I knew he had grown up at last.
"At the lowest point in my life, I almost gave up on it. But at that point, when I needed it the most, someone was there for me. I could have hated the world. Done to it the same thing it did to me. But someone taught me better. When I needed it the most, he was a friend. It took me a while to understand what he was trying to teach me, but I finally get it."
I waited with held breath for him to say it. To find out what he had taken away from all this, the kind of man he would choose to be.
He didn't falter as he said it.
"Everything the world failed to be for you and me, I will be for the world."
My eyes widened.
You've come a long way. From here, I know you can handle the rest yourself.
I allowed myself to smile a bit.
"Hmph. I guess you passed the test, huh? Took you long enough. Well, late is better than never. Now that I know you can take care of yourself, I can tell you: don't feel guilty about anything that's happened. I chose my own path. No one forced me. Not you, not anyone else."
This was it.
I was nearing the end of my life.
If Hikigaya stays around for the rest of this, it'll do him more harm than good.
Besides, I fucking hate people crying around me, and I hate drawn out goodbyes. I'll make sure I say everything I need to say, right here and now.
"Hikigaya… I want you to know. That one month we spent, and this one day… they're the best times of my life. It was a hell of ride, buddy, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Now go on, get outta here. I'm already late for dinner."
His eyes widen.
"Kazuya… can I come visit again?"
It makes me happy to hear that, but I can't have you doing that.
I shook my head. I guess I can be honest now.
"Nah. I'm not long for this world. I wanted to see ya one last time. I don't have any unfinished business left. And as for you, I know you want to be here. But you've already done more for me than you know. From here on, move forward, and live life to the fullest."
I don't half-ass it.
This is the last time I'm seeing him. I want to convey everything this has meant to me.
And he realizes it.
He's crying, but that's okay. It's better to cry now, and get it over with, and then move on.
Besides, there's nothing wrong with crying.
"Kazuya… thank you. For everything."
I shake my head.
"No, thank you."
For a moment, he's silent.
"Goodbye, Kazuya."
He gets up, to leave.
Something about this picture isn't right.
Stories are supposed to have happy endings. I can't have things end on this note.
As he's about to leave the room, I call out.
"Hikigaya!"
I'm holding out a fist.
Don't leave me hanging, brother.
Getting the message, he reaches out his own, and bumps it.
"Go on, kid. Become a badass."
Kamishiro Kazuya died a few days later. He passed away peacefully in his sleep. Having made prior arrangements, he was buried far from his paternal ancestors, next to his mother. The small fortune he had amassed through sale of stolen goods was given to charity through channels he had set up. The organization chosen was an orphanage.